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Interacting with my BF's adult children

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  • June 19, 2017 at 4:31 pm #154050
    Macy
    Participant

    Here is the issue…my bf of 7 years (we don’t live together)…has 4 adult children…I personally think his children are unrespectful at most times towards him…they are nice when they need money. So for Father’s day…they never made him supper or took him out for supper..he actually ate by himself. I had to work so I was unable to be there. One child is upset towards him…I called to say it would be nice to wish your dad a happy Father’s day…it’s a day to show appreciation  for the things he has done for you..I thought I was being polite but not trying to bully my thoughts as I know it would bug him not to hear from his child…I was told it’s none of my business..(tbh I think his kids have always had an issue with me..attention away from them..idk)they don’t live at home. Now he’s mad at me for trying. I’m actually at the point of walking away from this relationship…you try to help…I get shit…it’s almost to the point that he’s never happy with anything I do..he’s very judgemental..and always right..everyone is always wrong.

    So I was probably in the wrong for trying..and probably should of let it go..he has spoiled them so much..they all walk all over him..and they treat him like crap.

    Thoughts??

    June 19, 2017 at 5:33 pm #154062
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Macy,

    You have been with this man for seven years, it is only natural that his children in one way or another are going to be involved with you, he is certainly not going to hide you in a closet, or prevent you from answering the phone.

    I think it shows that you care about his well-being especially on Fathers Day. The fact that they don’t do anything for him for father’s Day is a lack of respect, which they may have learned from him, because he is treating you the very same way.  It may be better for him to give you a hug and thank you for caring, and just say he is sad, but that’s just the way it is, than to be rude with you.

    I would have a talk with him, where there are no distractions and ask him where he sees you in his children’s lives, and you would like to be involved more and be treated with respect. No one should be talked down to and disrespected. Let me know your thoughts?

    June 19, 2017 at 5:49 pm #154064
    Macy
    Participant

    Eliana

    Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. Yes I do agree he does not respect me. Years ago I use to let him push me around (verbally not physically), and I use to just suck it up, but lately I just started to have had enough.  One can only take so much before you want to walk. I’m glad to know that you thought I didn’t overstep with his kids.

    Thank you

    June 20, 2017 at 4:47 am #154154
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Macy,

    You tried. He knows how you feel and that you tried to fix it. His kids know how you feel and that you tried to fix it.

    Now you need to drop the rope and let them have their own relationship with each other. And you don’t need to have a relationship with them yourself.

    If you continue to interfere, the issue (for them) can become about you, and not about the real issue. People love to concentrate on distractions rather than the thing they should be concerned about.

    Just tell your BF that you are here if he needs you.

    Best,

    Inky

    June 20, 2017 at 5:07 am #154156
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Macy:

    You asked for thoughts, here are mine:

    You wrote about your boyfriend, the father of four adult children: “… he’s never happy with anything I do..he’s very judgemental..and always right..everyone is always wrong”

    And then you wrote about him as a parent: “(he)  has spoiled them so much”- financially, perhaps, having given them money, but what if he was with his children the way he is with you, what if he was never happy with anything they did, judged them harshly; what if in relationships with them he pointed to them being always wrong?

    That wouldn’t be good parenting/ good relationships. It would cause his children to be angry with him, and just like you are considering ending the relationship, they may be interested in the same, except that money keeps them around.

    He probably knows it and they do too. And it may be that in the strangest way, it is working for all of them because changing the nature of the relationships is too difficult, complicated and will require so much work.

    anita

    June 20, 2017 at 5:52 am #154172
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Macy,

    You’re very welcome, No one deserves to be pushed around physically, emotionally, and disrespected. I think you are making a wise choice. Keep us posted.

    June 24, 2017 at 6:35 pm #154850
    Macy
    Participant

    Update…

    Inky….you hit the nail on the head…I was told the adult wants nothing to do with me ever. Was told they are taking councilling…which I never knew there were any major issues..was told by the father that if his child ever hurts themself, it will be all my fault….as I was the icing on the cake.

    Think they never liked me from the beginning, so perfect time to hate me and make me look like a terrible person..for only trying to help. It’s very hurtful for the comment about if they hurt themself it will be all my fault.  I’ve left this relationship, ..I can’t do this any more. For as much as one wants to be in a relationship…I cant be in one that doesn’t give me any good reason to be in one.

    Thanks for all the input…was very helpful to hear strangers think I didn’t do something that really wasn’t so bad.

    June 25, 2017 at 2:59 pm #154948
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Macy,

    Wow, that’s pretty juvenile, belittling to you and awful what they are doing. Clearly they have no sense of boundaries or respesct, and unfortunately, you became the brunt of it. I don’t know how you did it, but I think you are a very strong, beautiful and caring person for putting up with everything for so long.

    There are alot of wonderful men out there who would leap at a chance to have someone caring in their children’s lives. This man is missing out. I’m so glad you made the decision you did.

    June 25, 2017 at 4:01 pm #154956
    Macy
    Participant

    Awww Eliana that was very sweet of you to say. Thank you!!! All breakups are tough regardless who initiates it. One day….I hope I meet a real nice guy….until then, I just have to keep myself busy with exercise and knowing I’m better than how I was treated.

    Thank you for taking the time to respond.

    July 14, 2017 at 12:00 pm #158130
    Macy
    Participant

    Update … again

    So this past week we talked…he said he never wanted me to feel bad about the situation….but it didn’t come across that way the first time we talked when he chewed me out and said if they harm themself in any way… (referencing it would be all my fault)…than said I haven’t tried to talk to him in about a month, I said because he said he was dealing with his kids issue and if I didn’t hear from him for awhile that would be the reason why. So we didn’t officially call it off I had just stopped communication and had walked away. So now it was my issue for not trying to talk to him. And it’s bogus how he never wanted me to feel bad about it. I think he just realized I was walking and not groveling on my hands and knees.

    So what are your thoughts?

    Macy

    July 14, 2017 at 3:09 pm #158172
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Macy,

    I’m glad you got back in touch. Thanks for keeping us posted. Since you have taken a break from the situation, what are your feelings about him now? Based on your recent post, it doesn’t sound like he has done much growing, as he is still “putting everything on you” and making you feel guilty. Nothing he says is positive or lifts you up. When you write you don’t sound too terribly excited about him. What are your thoughts on this?

    Let’s say you did get back together. Would the situation change? With the children? Or would you still feel frustrated back at square one? Frustrated and confused and left out of his children’s lives and still disrespected by him. He didn’t do much as say he “missed you” or apologized. Seems to me, he does not want to grow in the relationship..

    July 14, 2017 at 8:01 pm #158206
    Macy
    Participant

    Eliana,

    Thank you for responding.

    Yes, I feel he is still putting everything on me, that any issue is my fault and “i” need to fix things by changing my ways or to say I’m sorry, I was wrong. I have not felt excited about our last 2 talks. If we got back together, I know he would point out my faults in this situation…a way to control me, a way to think he is right and I’m wrong or did wrong. After it would get better than over time it would deteriorate by taking advantage of situations. We broke up a couple of times in the past and I always made contact and explained that I wanted him. This time, I have not missed him and am ok to move on even if I’m alone. I also think my relationship with his kids would not be good, rather on the “cool” side, it would be uncomfortable for me. No he hasn’t said he missed me, but I didn’t say it either. The two times we broke up he was quick to go out on a date or start dating…I went out a few times but I couldn’t hold the guys hand or kiss him cause it didn’t feel right..but I know he slept with another woman. He says each time  he realized they weren’t me..and wanted to be with me. He’s a stubborn person, but I can be too. I’m not perfect by any means, however, I think this time I’m done. I thought how will I feel if I see him with another woman..I may feel otherwise, but I think I could handle it..yah it may hurt but I hope it would be a day I look dam good lol. During this time apart ive had rimes where I questioned if I’m too hard and should be more of a softer person…I am a harder type personality than a lot of other women..and I’ve been told that by my family members..but than I have a very soft sensitive personality. Where I could cry just watching a lame commercial. Things make me tough..but other things bring out my soft side. The last 2 times we broke up I would mark on my calander another day no contact…this time ..haven’t even touched it. I bike a new cycle of 17 km not anywhere near where he lives a couple times a week..I walk daily..except today..I felt lazy lol. I don’t plan on being in contact with him again. So what are your thoughts? And if he contacts me ..which I think he will , maybe not soon but in a few weeks…should I just ignore him? …I’m the type if I get a text…I reply ..always cause I think it’s rude not to.

    Hugs

    Macy

    July 15, 2017 at 10:20 am #158280
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Macy,

    From your posts, and just hearing you talk about him, and your concern about the way his children are shows you are “not tough or hard” in a bad way, but you are a strong and sensitive woman who is being controlled, someone who has had enough of it, and someone speaking up and asserting herself and even removing herself from a toxic relationship and dysfunction between him and his children, and his controlling and manipulating ways.

    I know it hurts, but I do feel your feelings have changed about him. Understandably so. You are not getting your needs met, and he is not going to change. If he contacts you, just say “I enjoyed the time we spent together, but I no longer feel we are compatible, and we need to go out separate ways”. That’s it. You don’t owe him any more. If he continues to keep talking, politely say, you have to go, and end the call. Don’t contact him again. He may continue for awhile, but don’t fall for “I will change” because he would have done so by now. Don’t answer or return his texts, calls or e-mails. If he ** really** wanted you, he would do alot more to fight for you thenvjyst a cowardly text. He would move heaven and earth to get you back. In time, he will tire of it, and you will find the love and attention you deserve.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Eliana.
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