Hi Flossy,

My ex bf of 1 year and me had the same thing before. We stopped being intimate when we reached our 6th or 7th month.To begin with, he wasn’t really that showy when it comes to physical affection which was weird for me. It was already a flag for me but I didnt pay attention at first. We never really looked into each other’s eyes and kissed, you know .. that kind of being sweet. It would always be a quick kiss or simple smack. That was okay for me because he was affectionate and attentive to other areas. I believe his love language is having quality time and running errands for me. BUT I AM DIFFERENT. My love language is through physical affection and deep conversations. No matter how hard I try to convince myself to love him because that’s who he is, I just can’t. I felt guilty of leaving him just because of that so I stayed for a while. Until time came when even the small kisses, cuddles and holding hands in public disappeared. And sex was out of the scope of our relationship. I tried to talk to him about this and he even got mad at me at one point and accused me that sex is the only thing I want in a relationship. He was wrong. Intimacy is important to me as much as I value honesty and loyalty in a relationship. He eventually admitted to me that he wanted to become a man of God, that means he didnt want to have sex with me until we get married. That was okay for me, I even agreed but I will catch him watching porn and add random sexy girls on social media? He even had pictures of cute and sexy girls on his phone. But when I touch him, he will move away. He even shouted at me once saying “Go find someone else who will do that to you because I am not like that anymore” Wow. I was really confused. By this time, my confidence and self esteem were deep under ground and I just didnt have the strength anymore to continue.

I think you just need to make a decision for yourself, on what matters to you the most, on what things do you want to value. Take a stand for yourself and let the universe do its thing. Today, I am in a great relationship with a man who has the same value for intimacy and affection as I have. I will not be in this situation if I didnt become courageous enough to give importance to myself. It’s my lovelife, IT IS MINE, I’m gonna own it. I will only marry a man once (hopefully) in my life so I will choose the best for me.

Flossy I know you love him but your needs should be met too. I commend you for staying that long in a relationship that lack physical affection. 6 months almost killed me, yours is more that twice long! If time came that you just could bear it anymore, have no worries! You’ll gonna meet a man that is right for you. Good luck. Keep us updated.

Hi Flossy,

I’m glad to see you had some great replies. Please do not think I was trying to be “blunt” or “mean” in any way. I would not be on here trying to help if I was like that. I care very much. I will share something, that I really have not shared on here. I had a cousin that sexually abused me. It caused me alot of problems in my adulthood with intimacy. I had vaginismus. I won’t go into detail about it, but if you “Google it” you can see what it is.

I was so embarrassed by it. It took me months to be brave enough to even Try to have a sexual and intimate relationship with a man, then I met my first love. I swept my “condition” under the rug, because I have him everything. He came home to romantic candlelit baths and a glass of his very wine or sherry from a long day at work. I made chocolate covered strawberries. When he walked in the door, I would put “surprises” like rose petals and little love notes, where I was hiding in “wait” for him to “seduce” him. I would wear fancy Victoria’s secret lingerie and sexy cologne and body lotion. It would excite him and thrilled him to pieces, yet, I could not be intimate no matter how hard I tried. He would yell at me, say he would find a “real woman” and slam the door.

I would sit and cry from guilt and shame and keep asking myself when was I going to see a sex therapist? I kept telling him I would, and I even did once, but I should have kept going but it was too expensive. I figured my romantic cuddles, massages, lingeries, baths, and love were enough to get us through. It wasn’t. In two years, he left me. I can’t believe he even held out that long. He even said he would go with me and help pay, but I was so ashamed. I finally got the help, but it was too late to save our relationship. I just wanted to share that with you, and really hope things get better. x

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Eliana.