Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Intimidation, a first for me
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Lily.
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February 14, 2014 at 6:42 pm #51023
LilyParticipantHi everyone,
Id love to get your thoughts on something that I experienced recently – intimidation – which is new for someone like me because I am very happy and comfy being who I am and am very aware of my achievements, the hard work I have put in, how Ive live life as well as my flaws.
Just a couple of days ago I had a short (sexual) fling with someone I met at a party – he was visiting from overseas and things quickly escalated and led to spending 2 days with him (not something I do, this is only ever the second time that Ive done something casual). He has this cool life, he lives a life of adventure with nothing holding him back. New countries, new people, brilliant experiences. And stories about sexual escapades that were hillarious and interesting (and so many of them!). And when he asked me to tell him about the crazy sex stories I had had, the best I could do (and honestly say) was “I really dont have any, Im a good girl, a girlfriend-girl”. BANG! Walked right into the wall of intimidation.
Now what perplexes me is, how can I possibly be intimidated about something like this? Me the person who has always done the responsible thing? Me the person who has never subscribed to “being cool” etc etc? At what point in this conversation did I put him on a pedestal and feel like I wasnt cool enough as he is (or these other girls are)because I didnt spend my 20s sleeping around? And that I dont have crazy sex stories to share..HUH? How utterly absurd is this?!
What am I missing here..what went on there that made me feel intimidated? Your thoughts?
Lily.
February 14, 2014 at 8:58 pm #51031
memmParticipantYou went and slept with someone you didn’t really have anything in common with, so you feel disconnected / intimidated.
Not really sure what’s confusing here.
Sounds like you only had sex with him in the first place because of his perceived stature, so you got what you thought you wanted.
February 14, 2014 at 9:33 pm #51032
LilbuddhaParticipantYou were intimidated, because you are “the good girl”. His free spirit enabled him to experience a variety of things you found exciting and invigorating – not repulsive as in peer pressure scenarios. So, as you laughed and shared his stories, you became mesmerized by him,and was made to acknowledge you had nothing equivalent (no thrills and spills) to share. Something you hadn’t noticed in your previous contentment with normalcy. That became apparent, when he suddenly asked, “So…. What about you?”
It’s like someone saying, “Last week, I climbed Mount Everest, mined for sapphires in India, dined with an Amazonian tribe in traditional regalia, and developed a whole new understanding of physics that enabled me to travel back in time and dance with the Queen of Sheba.” And your only reply is, “Well, last week, I went to Walmart and picked-up some new socks.”
February 14, 2014 at 9:50 pm #51033LilbuddhaParticipantAlso, I want to add…memm (no offense) sounds a little judgmental. You slept with him, because you were charmed by his carefree way and undoubtably charming personality (apparently charming, cause he gets lots of women). You realized you hadn’t been adventurous and wanted an adventure in that moment. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s YOUR life, and your decision.
February 14, 2014 at 10:28 pm #51038memmParticipantI apologise if I sounded judgemental, I was aiming for neutral, I don’t really have a stance on casual flings one way or the other.
My point was that he was charming because of his stories and worldliness, it sounds like that difference is what caused the attraction from the get-go, you might have even put him on a pedestal without noticing. So it’s not surprising that that difference is also what caused the disconnection later when it became more obvious.
February 15, 2014 at 9:21 pm #51079LilyParticipantThank you Lilbuddha for shedding light on that. Yeah, it was exactly that – he has done all these exciting things, lives life with absolutely no rules or fears. It wasnt that I wanted or needed to compare (I could never have a life like he does or even be a part of his life in any bigger way) but perhaps, I felt a bit envious, leading to intimidation. None of my stories were cool in comparison, doesnt make me any less awesome..just different. I appreciate his personality and the lesson I take from his is that we all have awesome stories and to be vigilant for when intimidation and comparison hits you. For a moment, I forgot my impressive journey, my hardwork and growth – not cool.
I constantly tend to put people on these pedestals, I dont know why…and truth is, rarely does someone actually meet upto these pedestals that Ive put them on. I wonder why we do that, is it our own insecurities?
And thank you again, he saw (and appreciated) in me the courage to approach a guy I saw was interesting and I saw in him a vibrant, carefree person. We both wanted a bit of each other and thats how it went. I rarely have such adventures, we were both adults and mature about it and have no regrets. Thank you for understanding my POV.
Lily.
February 15, 2014 at 9:32 pm #51080LilyParticipantMemm,
No problem, it was a bit judgmental but truth be told, most of my dear friends would have reacted the same way. I get where you are coming from and I have felt the same way in the past about other friends. No apologies needed 🙂
Yeah, I think you are right (as per my reply to LilBuddha) – I did put him on a pedestal albeit for a tiny period of time. I need to look within to understand why I do that with people so I dont repeat it again. Because the moment I put them on it, I automatically lower myself, which is not ok and not how I should treat myself.
Thank you for bringing that to my notice, got much more to learn.
Lily.
February 15, 2014 at 10:33 pm #51081memmParticipantIt’s worth pointing out that you don’t really _know_ that that’s how he lives his life. Nobody is completely free from insecurities, rules or fears and nobody is perfect. Also “cool” isn’t in the content but in the execution, it’s a skill, a good storyteller can make a boring day at the office sound exciting. Picking up girls and telling stories of his adventures is quite possibly his own insecurities showing through, perhaps it’s the only way he knows how to build up his confidence.
It’s not really something you have to keep in mind all the time, but it’s good to break things down and see them for what they are when we’re stuck in a loop inside our own heads.
February 16, 2014 at 4:51 am #51085LilyParticipantHi memm,
VERY true! You mentioning about him picking up girls is possibly his insecurities…that is something that made me think.
I think the second half of my time with him, I felt like I was looking at a man of 37 who refuses to grow up and thinks he knows what is right for himself. the answers..but clearly, I (and anyone) could see that he has no clue but like most of us, is desperately trying and hoping he is doing the right thing. So full of contradictions with what he wants and what he seems to be doing to achieve it.
He also expressed his fears about love, opening up to someone and of being hurt when he starts to get close. Accepted that he was jaded after having been hurt and cheated on. And so many ideas/beliefs about right and wrong that beat common sense. I couldnt help but feel that his lifestyle, his sexual adventures was the only way he knew how to deal with these fears and insecurities – he cannot face them, so he either runs from them (literally away!) or he disconnects the moment he gets close.
Of course, he chose to share a lot with me (he accepted that he has opened up to me a lot, told me a lot)…but wont be friends now that our time is done. Life has taught me that sharing/over sharing with people puts me in an unhealthy place – boundaries are there to protect me and show myself (and others) a great deal about my self worth. I did at some point, wonder how he was so comfortable sharing so much with someone he has known for 10 short minutes. I suppose thats how he knows to share any intimacy? But it makes sense that you’ve mentioned that bit about building up his confidence. Maybe he believes without these stories and adventures – there is nothing else to show.
Fascinating, thanks memm for the insight. I love human beings, we are so complex and so wonderful and so great to learn from! 🙂
Lily.
February 16, 2014 at 5:32 am #51086memmParticipantWell I’d say sharing is part of intimacy and some people are just naturally open. Some of the best people I know are extremely open people, I think it’s great and I try to be like that too. Of course there is a limit to how much you can tell someone you don’t know yet, but sometimes you do just click and feel that you can share a lot.
I also know somebody that shares a bit too much and I sometimes worry somebody might take advantage of her because of that, but at the same time she’s also one of the best people I know precisely because of that same level of over-sharing.
But we can’t really be constantly afraid of what “evil” men or women might do to ruin our life, so I suppose be careful but be yourself is the moral of the story.
February 16, 2014 at 7:32 am #51087LilbuddhaParticipantLily,
I came back and read all through the additional postings, and your description of his refusal to grow-up and contradiction are exactly like my ex. I actually got tickled, because it describes him perfectly. I tried to befriend him again recently, and it didn’t go well. He has himself on a pedestal, blind to his own contradictions, which revokes his capacity for something as silly as humility. The bad thing about that is, he preaches his life “expertise” on YouTube to a rather large following. I am concerned for the people that take him seriously, and want to make him their “guru”. I guess I have “preacher’s daughter” syndrome, where I know him too well to believe him.
I’m struggling here too, because I think we are all like that to a certain extent (contradictive, blind to ourselves). And I think we create our own pedestal when we start judging another person to knock them off of theirs’. I’ve caught myself in that rut, because he hurt me. Still, when I look in the mirror, I realize I am just as contradictive and blind in my own way. This acknowledgment helps me to be more compassionate as opposed to judgmental, and I think you’ve acknowledged the same in your love of the complexities iof human nature that help to teach us and grow.
So, the sharing of your experience with us has ultimately helped me to sort-out my own head and regain a healthier perspective. Amazing how life works! Anyway, thank you for sharing, and thank you for the help in growth. :0)
February 16, 2014 at 9:18 pm #51150LilyParticipantLilbuddha,
Woah, didnt think that anyone would have met someone who is so similar to this man that I met. Im sorry you were hurt by someone like this, that is hard to deal with and I hope you are doing ok and that it doesnt hurt as much. You seem to have great perspective and a great deal of strength, I think you will be more than ok! 🙂
It is scary that this man you know preaches to public, yikes! I know the man I met has had his own experiences that have defined what he believes in but a lot of what he said/thought was unhealthy for him. I could see that it was a destructive way of thinking and behaving but it was not my place to say anything. As someone who did care about him (as I would for anyone I meet), I felt so much compassion towards his confusion and struggle. He is scared and he is trying. I think I am able to do that now (see other people, myself more clearly) after having gone through my own struggles and having spent many years listening to myself, healing, reading and being here on Tiny Buddha. The best outcome of all this introspection is moments like this when I am able to feel compassion, care and softness for people who are struggling and hurting. And realizing that THIS is the kind of person I have always wanted to be, that I pray every morning to be.
We are all in the same boat in a lot of ways, we are all experiencing different degrees of struggle and heartache, desperately trying to make it. Some of us will learn in the process, not all though. We all have so many flaws, we are blind to so many things and we need to show compassion, patience and kindness to ourselves too. No one is a winner or a looser in all this.
I am glad you are learning and growing — and that you can share your journey with us here. I am glad sharing my experience helped you, just the way it has helped me reading yours.
Warmth and light your way
Lily. -
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