Amanda,

It is telling that you are asking this question rather than knowing what the answer is.  It shows you still need more work on helping yourself deal with your co-dependency and any other blind spots that is keeping you from the wisdom you already have.

You look at the last line of your posting, your question.  You are posing it whether to deal with your husband for another 27 years of behavior that makes you to blame for a messy house, that there is no communication, that he does not really care that you are with him or not, that he does not see an issue by staying with another woman while you are gone, that he says things are hurtful, and that he wants his own way – for going out to dinner and probably other things as well.

Should I continue this cycle? Or go with my gut and run before I waste another 27 years?

Just how you word these questions points to the answer.

Mark

Amanda,

It is common for women to be raised and expected to put themselves last.  There are many articles why self care is critical.  See the Tiny Buddha’s article on this: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-put-ourselves-last-why-self-care-priority/

Good for you for being proud of yourself.  Doing this work is hard and takes courage.  I hope you have a therapist to assist as well but being in a codependency group is great as well.

Supporting you for taking care of yourself first.  By the way, you will find out that your husband will do just fine without you.  In fact, isn’t that what he told you by going to his girlfriend’s place, by being disappointed that you came back, etc.?

Plus don’t forget that he is an adult.

Mark

Dear Amanda:

You shared that you met a “handsome and the bad type” boy when you were 14, and you were then “instantly smitten”. At 18 you moved in with him, “hung out and got high”. At 19 you had your first child, no longer high but he continued to drink and smoke pot and crack. At about 20 you had your second child. “He worked and hung out with friends” while you were “home 24/7 with the kids”.

“We mostly had a sexual relationship… he still really didn’t seem to interact with me unless there was sex”, you wrote.

In your twenties, you worked and raised your two children, became attracted to a coworker “who was very kind” and you “knew there was more than what I had”, so you asked your husband to leave. He moved out and he “began a 10 year addiction to meth” and blamed it on you saying it “never would have started if I hadn’t kicked him out”. You tried to help him for five years, “Risked losing my kids because he needed me” and finally you “moved back home to raise my kids”.

Five years later he went to jail and once released he moved in with you, been clean since, other than pot, “a great father and provider”. But he “says things that are hurtful and says he was joking”, will not help you around the house even though you were working 70 hours a week and he is otherwise selfish and most recently he told you that he will be staying for a few days at his uncle’s place, but you found out he was staying at his friend Cathy’s place. You talked to him about it but he doesn’t see that as a problem. Most recently he “realizes the error of his ways and is really going to work on it”and although you have a chronic illness and will benefit from working less, he wants you to work just as much as you are so that he can have the garage that he wants.

You wrote later: “I do know what I need to do. However, I am still struggling with feeling selfish and putting myself first”-

My input this morning: you are now 41 and your children are about 22 and 23, adult children. They must have suffered during this turbulent marriage, their father on drugs, in jail, gone.. even you were gone (at one point, you “moved back home to raise my kids”).

I don’t know if your kids are  living with you at home or on their own, but think of them first. It is difficult for you to put yourself first, so put them first: what is best for them that you do next?

* I will soon be away from the computer for the weekend and will be back in about 48 hours from now. If you respond to me I will read and reply to you when I am back. (There is a lot here in your life situation, and if you want, we can communicate about it for a while for the purpose of becoming more clear about the situation and what to do next).

anita