Dear Jerris:

I read some of your previous posts going months back. Time to move away and live on your own. Doesn’t matter what you do living independently as long as you do. Got to take a break from mom. It is scary to make your own choices because you have little faith in your ability to make good choices. You have very little experience making your own choices, no wonder you lack confidence in doing so. From your mother making choices for you, small and big and telling you what you should do, you learned that you can not be trusted to make your own choices.

No other way but jump into the water. And swim. It will be tough but that is the only way to un-stuck yourself from your existence as has been.

Move far away, take any doable job, tell your mother you need to make your own choices. Tell her nicely (sounds like she means well, but she is misguided in what is good for you), that you need her NOT to tell you what to do. Tell her you will make mistakes but that is the only way for you to grow up and have a life that is worth living for you. Teach her how to give you the space you need… and don’t ask her for her advice.

Get out, move out, live your own life- and go slowly, one little step at a time. Be gentle with yourself, you are afraid. Be gentle and patient and kind and forgiving to yourself. You don’t have to make the RIGHT choices, only BETTER choices than you are making now.

anita

a

Dear Jerris,

I’m also an only-child & sole daughter. I am also “hiding” from everyone to avoid the fuss while I am bumming right now.

Here’s some tips/thoughts that I have from surviving being a single-child:

1. You are independent – To some of us as single-child, there is a very deep attachment to our parents because there is no other sibling to bounce off. But once we reach 18, we technically are independent bodies from our parents. We have our own path and we always have this fear that our actions will negatively affect our parents. Independence can simply be just finding your passion without influence or actually physically moving out…it can start by simply thinking about “if my parents will be ok with absolutely anything I do, what would my life look like?” You don’t have to action right away, but you can just start jotting down your thoughts.

2. Your parents are independent too – I know this may sound weird, but it took me going on a retreat & talking to a nun to realize this. She said that my parents are independent of me and that sometimes, it is the kid that teaches their parents what to do. Because we are the only child, we often carry a lot of guilt, responsibility, burden that is actually our parents’ burden. But they are independent adults too that have the capability of taking care of their own matters. If a parent is controlling, know that it is not your fault…it is from their own conditioning while growing up. If there are control or other issues, it is actually more important to take care of yourself first & nourish yourself with positive things.

3. Create space – Being alone is wonderful! I give you kudos for doing that! It takes time to figure out whether you want to live independently or not. In the meantime, create space for yourself so that you can think deeply what your true calling is…instead of hanging around home, you can go to the library, park, community centre, wherever you can find space. You can sign-up for volunteering since there is no commitment and meet new people.

4. The dreaded “what are you doing?” question – It is annoying, I know. You can say things like “I am taking a career break” or “I am doing some soul searching”. I think you mentioned before in a previous post that you like to travel. Perhaps you can say “I’m planning do some travelling & explore the world”. If they ask where…you can always say “it’s in preliminary stages. What do you recommend?” so that the question is back in their court.

We aren’t following the convention path of getting a job, then married, then kids…so people often feel confused when we have nothing to give in response. Know that it is absolutely fine to stay out of it….there’s a bunch of us here that are also doing the same. 🙂

If you are considering moving out:
– Take a look at local ads for a one-bedroom apartment or something small to see how much they cost. There is no harm in just checking them out…nothing to worry about.
– See how much savings you have & see whether you can afford to move out. Then ask yourself whether you would prefer “bumming at home” or “work temporary as a tutor or perhaps something related to travelling” to fund your rent & other expenses such as eating, household supplies, etc. You always have the option to move home if it doesn’t work out 😉

May I suggest a couple of good reads:
“Introvert Power” by Laurie Helgoe
“You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay

Sorry for this loooongggg response. I hope you find something useful for your journey.

I wish you the best of luck!!
Jennifer

Jerris,

It is not wrong to enjoy being by yourself!! Some people are simply introverts meaning they prefer interests that only need one person to enjoy and don’t need the support of other people to be happy. Since you mentioned worrying about “EVERYTHING” and having a psychology background, it makes me wonder about a few things. You obviously don’t have to answer these if you don’t want to.

Do you have generalized anxiety or social anxiety? Anxiety itself can prevent someone from meeting new people or interacting with those they already know, while also making it seem like going out isn’t worth it.

Do you have the motivation or desire to go out and do things? Or do you simply enjoy hobbies that only need one person?

To find out where your next step in life is and what it is, you might need to do some true inner-self questioning. Once you know who or what you want to be, then you can move on. First thing I would suggest though is using your credentials to find a job, even not specifically in your field of teaching. You might do some looking around and find your qualified for a different position.

Best of luck,

-L.