I often found myself seeking reassurance in my relationships, be it with a partner or a friend. Lately, I have started to do some introspection after a post break up and found that I often seek reassurance and approval of others. In my last relationship which was long distance, my ex bf often complained that he cannot reassure me enough. In my understanding and perspective that wasn’t the case. Long distance did bring out some of my insecurities and for me to hear words of love and assurance meant a relaxed and calm mind. However, I am not sure if asking your partner ( if they want to be with me/ love me) asking friends ( if a certain dress looks good on me), asking coworkers ( if I did it right when I know I did the job right, I am pretty intelligent, no bragging). I do realize that sometimes asking these things is a part of normal human behavior/ tendencies. I see people ( friends, family, coworkers) asking for others opinions on subject matter, whether they are trying a dress or sometimes just need an affectionate hand around them. Again this is an example version of how I seek reassurance, I am sure everyone has their own.
My boyfriend recently left me and I am completely devastated not knowing exactly where I went wrong. Was I wrong when I asked him if he ever loved me ? He never made me feel like I was loved in our relationship, it always felt like he was with me because of some obligation to me or just got used to the routine of our friendship/ relationship. I never really felt attractive around him, never desired in a way that I desired him. I felt accepted at times ( rarely, since he was very critical) but never wanted .. and being merely accepted wasn’t enough for me. The characteristics he admired in others, I tried bringing into my own life just so he can like me enough. I was never the point of admiration for him, not the center, not even any point.

He would tell me things he liked in other female acquaintances/ friends and I often found myself saying ” I have that too” which I find childish and funny now looking back. I sometimes used to compare myself to these people that he admired/ liked and try to find similarities in myself. Over time I realized I was trying too hard, to be liked. I often lied about some work that I did, when I really didn’t do it ( and I am no where proud of it) infact it brings me greats amounts of regrets, pain and shame. Just because that is not the person I envisioned myself as and this is certainly not the person I want to remember when I look back. But he was so critical of me, I never felt good enough, untill and unless I do/ have something that he admired in others.

But this immense need/want to be accepted / loved/ liked by him drove me crazy. Our way of communication was so odd and different, he would never give me compliments ( not the genuine ones at least) and I often found myself boosting his ego by taking his random pictures and what not, telling him things that I liked about him or things that he does that are admirable ect

Now I look back and I find myself looking so stupid, trying so hard to ” make him’ like me when he was already with me. But being with me wasn’t exactly a happy relationship either ( given it was long distance) I don’t know if I should ever ask people to give me some assurance or if I should just trust them that they are there because they want to be.. I look good in that dress without my friends telling me that I do.. and I do my work good enough. I have been an A student throughout university and high school and I am starting my post graduate studies soon. My past often challenges my future though, not knowing if I will be good enough for graduate school or not. I have dealt with so much criticism from him over the years that I am not exactly sure how and where to begin the work of healing and self improvement.

I see the idea of seeking reassurance as a slippery slope argument and I don’t know to what extent its right to seek reassurance from the ones we love. I know I have work to do on myself, but I don’t really know if wanting to feel loved and wanted ( not just merely accepted) and asking for verbal assurance is ALWAYS a bad thing. Thank you for reading and please feel free to voice your opinions.