Is this rude?

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This topic has 26 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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February 14, 2022 at 12:00 am #392709

Lily Margarette
Participant

So something has been playing on my mind since Christmas.

One of my husband’s best friends who he went to university with moved to France some years ago. My husband still zoom calls him/ texts him, stuff like that.

Anyway we don’t normally send Christmas cards to eachother, but this year he sent one to my husband.

I found it so strange because he didn’t put my name on it…he only put my husband’s then wrote a few sentences about how he and his girlfriend would like to see my husband and get our kids together!

Am I being over sensitive, or is this rude? It’s not like I’ve never met the guy, he came to our wedding and we all used to go for weekends away together before we were married!

My husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with it and asked ME to send him a card back…I refused and told him to do it if it’s so important.

February 14, 2022 at 5:14 am #392716
Anonymous
Guest
Dear Lily Margarette:

If his friend didn’t include your name in the card on purpose, then he was rude. If it was not on purpose, that is, it didn’t occur to him that he should include your name, then he is just not familiar with basic manners, and should be educated about such. It would be interesting to see if he sent other married male friends Christmas cards including, or not including the names of the men’s wives.

It could be that the reason is that in his friend’s mind women are lesser beings than men. It may be the same for your husband, and that’s why he “thinks there’s nothing wrong with it“.

Another possibility- you wrote that you all used to go for weekends away together. Maybe, just maybe you were/ appeared to be rude to him during those weekends and he returned your rudeness. I have no reason to assume this, it’s just a possibility. I bring it up because on threads such as yours (this one and the previous) I can “see” only how another person behaved toward you on any one occasion, but I can’t see how you behaved toward that other person before the occasion.

Another possibility (and it is only a possibility): your husband told his friend negative things about you, causing his friend to dislike you.

I’ll close with the second possibility I mentioned above: maybe his friend is simply not a polite person.

anita
- This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by .
February 14, 2022 at 5:15 am #392717
Tommy
Participant
If one looks for faults in another then one may just find it? Addressing a Christmas card to the one person, who he has a personal connection, is not usually done to be rude but an oversight (unintentional) of others in the family. However, it is a choice one makes to take it as being rude or to let it go and move forward. What results from taking it as being rude? Anger? Distance between people (husband and friend)? What results from letting it go and moving forward? Sending a postcard to a friend? Not being upset over someone’s mistake? Question, does one spend any time with one’s husband when he zoom calls this friend? People forget … out sight, out of mind?? Send a postcard to his girlfriend and leave his name out of it. See how he reacts if one still has doubts?

Note: I do not say it is rude or it is not rude. Just that one has a choice in life to be happy or angry. I wish you happiness.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by Tommy.
February 14, 2022 at 6:19 am #392721

Lily Margarette
Participant

I think the thing that’s really irritated me (I’m not ‘angry’) is that personally I’d never leave off a spouse or a couple I know if I was sending a card. The fact that he included his partners name, and also suggested that our children meet especially irritated me because I’m their mum and I find that disrespectful. Even the way it was worded I found rude …’maybe you and the children could come and meet **** (the child’s name).

Nothing happened the last time we met, in fact it was at a friend’s wedding and we had a lovely time. Even if it did personally, I still wouldn’t leave someone off a ‘family’ Christmas card, especially if I was suggesting we all meet. It’s extremely petty and rude.

You’re right though, I’m just ‘moving on’ from it. I started thinking of it again because yesterday the guy text my husband pics of his kid and my husband was gushing about it all. And whilst it’s not the child’s fault (he’s very cute and I love kids) I just find it hard pretending to be all fine and normal when actually I do feel disrespected and made to feel that I’m not justified thinking this way by my husband, he’s very quick to brush any feelings I have for anything aside. Which is why I’ve asked for non biased options.

Thanks

February 14, 2022 at 6:33 am #392722

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lily Margarette:

Having read both your threads, seems to me that all the social unfairness and disrespect that you’ve been experiencing for so long is too difficult to carry inside, day after day, week after week, etc. I think that it is very, very important that you attend couple counseling/ psychotherapy with your husband. If he refuses to go, then it is equally important that you attend individual counseling. Following a few sessions with a quality therapist, you will be in a better place to figure out what you need to do for your own- and your children’s- peace of mind.

anita

February 14, 2022 at 6:45 am #392724

Lily Margarette
Participant

I would love to go to counseling and even tried to get myself individual counseling in September. I’m still waiting for a therapist to get back to me. I was told due the pandemic the waiting list is a year long and I don’t have the money to go privately. I’d even have to pay for the one I’m waiting for which is a ‘charity’ amount of money which I’d struggle to pay but could scrape together.

I’ve started reading a few books to help me through in the meantime but tbh the whole therapy thing is a complete nightmare at the moment.

February 14, 2022 at 6:55 am #392725

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lily Margarette:

These forums are not a psychotherapy setting and I am not a therapist, but in the context of self-help, maybe I can be of some help to you.

Self-help is a process of sharing common experiences, giving and getting help. If you are interested, we can start with a couple of questions I have for you. You are always welcome of course to not answer any and all questions asked of you by me or by any other member. You are welcome to ask me questions and I will be glad to share with you my experiences that are relevant to yours.

anita

February 14, 2022 at 7:02 am #392727

Lily Margarette
Participant

Yes ok I will try.

Thanks for your help.

February 14, 2022 at 7:23 am #392729

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lily Margarette:

Again, you don’t have to answer any of my questions. The reason I am asking is to understand you and your situation better and hopefully lead to your own better understanding. When communicating with members and sharing about my experiences, I get to understand myself better. The quotes that follow are from your September 2021 thread.

1) “After 12 years of marriage and 18 years being together” – didn’t you get to know him, his father and sisters during those six years, and if you did, why did you marry him?

2) “I’m sick of him always putting me and the kids in 2nd place!” – as a child and in the context of your family of origin (parents, siblings, etc.), did you feel that you were treated as someone in 2nd (or 3rd etc.,) place?

3) “I’ve always been able to speak up for myself and I’m the kind of person to be extremely honest if someone has upset me” – when did you start speaking up for yourself, as a child? In what circumstances did it happen that you started speaking up for yourself? Also, what do you mean by extremely honest?

anita

February 14, 2022 at 8:48 am #392735

Lily Margarette
Participant

1) I thought I got to know everyone especially my husband but I beat myself up about that now because in hindsight there were warning signs of this kind of behaviour and I brushed it off. My husband was a very different person before we were married, since we had kids and he’s getting older he’s becoming more and more like his father and that worries me. I thought we’d have a happy little family unit together. I just wish I would’ve had more sense back then tbh. I even had his sister’s as my bridesmaids, I thought if I did that it would make us so much closer. I always wanted a sister and I was hoping I’d be able to look on them as sisters. I feel silly about that now.

2) I never felt 2nd place as a child. I came from a very loving, supportive family. Not perfect, but no family is. I have two older brothers who I’m still close to and both my parents have been a massive support during this time of my life. I do feel blessed for having this and some people don’t have anyone.

3) I’ve learnt to stick up for myself and speak up since school as I was bullied back then. I’m honest in the sense that I’m upfront about being upset about things. I’ll say ‘you’ve upset me because’… I like to know where I am with people and I’d like to be the same back.

February 14, 2022 at 9:33 am #392738

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lily Margarette:

“I beat myself up about that now… I wish I would’ve had more sense back then… I feel silly about that now” – if this was therapy (and it is not), a competent therapist would never verbally (or otherwise, of course) beat you up for anything, never accuse you of not having had sense at any time and never suggest that you were or are silly. I know this because I had competent, quality therapy for the first time in my life between the years 2011 and 2013.

In the context of self-help, I need to assure you, and you need to be assured, that I will not do any of these things to you, and I need to discourage you from doing these things to yourself: you do not deserve to be beaten up, you did your best at the time with the mental and practical resources that you had then. Currently you are looking back at past choices with resources you didn’t have then, so it’s not fair to judge yourself negatively.

As we continue to communicate (for as long as you are willing), uncomfortable, distressing feelings will come up for you- that’s a guarantee because it’s nature of examining oneself and one’s childhood. Most people run away from such feelings and examination. Whenever you feel distressed, take a break from our communication, and/ or let me know how you are feeling, and we’ll take it from there.

“I never felt 2nd place as a child. I came from a very loving, supportive family… I’ve learnt to stick up for myself and speak up since school as I was bullied back then”, “there were warning signs of this kind of behaviour and I brushed it of” –

– if you were in 1st place as a child, being very loved and supported, and then you learned to stick up for yourself since school, why did you brush off the warning signs with your now husband, why did you not tell your family about those warning signs and then, with their support, not marrying him?

anita

February 14, 2022 at 10:52 am #392741

Lily Margarette
Participant

if you were in 1st place as a child, being very loved and supported, and then you learned to stick up for yourself since school, why did you brush off the warning signs with your now husband, why did you not tell your family about those warning signs and then, with their support, not marrying him?

Probably because I didn’t want them to be true, so I just told myself in my head it was all fine. So I never openly discussed it with family. I also thought to myself that probably most people have these issues in a relationship. Everyone argues, everyone has disagreements you just have to work at it. The thing I wish I would’ve flagged up to myself more was the way in which his sister’s involve themselves in their siblings relationships. I saw this happening and I didn’t think to myself what it would be like if we were married and in fact if it would be worse which it was especially after having kids. Also if I ever spoke to my future husband about my father-in-law’s comments I was always told he was just joking and that I’m being over sensitive, he was like it with everyone. So for a long time I doubted the worries I had as me being paranoid or over sensitive so I never mentioned it to my family.

February 14, 2022 at 11:32 am #392746

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lily Margarette:

“I came from a very loving, supportive family. Not perfect, but no family is… most people have these issues in a relationship. Everyone argues” – as children and onward, we tend see our parents and our childhoods in the best positive light, turning our attention away from the negative, and focusing on the positive. Children do this automatically, so to feel safer. When grown up, this selective view continues.

You moved your attention away from the issues and arguments at home; fast forward, you moved your attention away from the red flags (issues and arguments) in regard to your then boyfriend and his family?

anita

February 14, 2022 at 12:15 pm #392748

pink24
Participant

Hi Lily Margarette,

I think you might be jumping to conclusions in assuming your husband’s friend is rude. For example, I often don’t cite anyone’s spouse or partner in a card or in a text or anything unless I actually have made a personal connection with him/her. I don’t consider couples to be a singular entity. Perhaps your husband’s friend thinks the same way–you even refer to him as your husband’s friend, not “our” friend.

Perhaps try making more of a connection with him, if you want to be thought of by him. Otherwise, let it go. Who really cares?

Pink

February 14, 2022 at 5:07 pm #392758

Lily Margarette
Participant

as children and onward, we tend see our parents and our childhoods in the best positive light, turning our attention away from the negative, and focusing on the positive. Children do this automatically, so to feel safer. When grown up, this selective view continues.

I don’t really feel I’m just focusing on just the positive with my family. I can honestly say hand on heart that I always felt safe and fully loved and supported. I’m not making that up. What I have realised over the past few years is that I assume all families are the same or should be the same. This is wrong of me because not every family are as close and there’s nothing wrong with that. I feel let down by my husband’s family because I thought they were also going to be warm and loving and caring especially to their grandchildren and they’re just naturally not wired up that way. So I had to change my mindset of feeling letdown and hurt when they wouldn’t show their warmth to ‘thats just how they are’. Problem is when that’s coupled with them being verbally offensive and expecting everyone around them to panda to them it crossed a boundary and that’s where the problem is.

I do feel so incredibly regretful that I never had a proper career set up for myself. I’m educated and always worked (but nothing leading to a specific career) but when I had kids I gave all that up. I’m completely stuck in a rut because I can’t see me ever being able to be independent and having a job anymore. I’m so envious of working mothers because they have the confidence to work. I don’t even know what work I would do as I’m 44 now. I’m getting on. I don’t feel I have any skills to give. I feel lost.
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