Is this the end of a friendship?

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This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 11 months ago by Anonymous.

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December 30, 2015 at 1:08 am #90896

Pree
Participant

TLDR: Asked a friend why he wasn’t responding, perhaps pushed him away for good. Guilty, confused, no idea how to amend.

I met a guy about 11 months ago (I’m female) and we hit it off immediately. We live in different cities and we grew close quickly. I was already in a relationship with someone. Though we joked about our ‘chemistry’, we had a good, platonic friendship. He flew to my city to see me for a few days and it was great fun. I got engaged after that, and he’d always been supportive of my relationship with my boyfriend. He then went through a rough patch – lost his dad, had to move back with his mum, etc. and I was there in whatever way I could. I then had a relationship crisis myself, during which I flew to his city. We did get some decent time together during which I was able to sort out my situation. But he seemed quite wary and didn’t share much about his life.

After that, he started being distant and ignoring my calls. I asked him gently if things were okay, to which he said he’s busy. I let it be. However, I got really upset one day when he didn’t respond to something I’d made and called him telling him I was hurt. He said it’s best we don’t expect anything from each other and hung up. I mulled over this and sent him an apology. We have always been very direct with each other. I told him I didn’t want to tiptoe around conversations. He repeated that he’s busy. We patched up (mostly due to my calls) a little later but he didn’t seem to care much. I suppose my ‘confrontation’ pushed him away further? He said he wasn’t obliged to me, which surprised me, because that was not the intention of my call at all! I’d hate to be answerable to anyone too, and I told him I just felt bad and wanted him to know.

I completely backed off after that. I went on to get married. He wished me on my wedding day. However, I feel he’s consciously keeping a very big distance from me (and only from me). While I’m genuinely happy for his achievements and happiness, I’m confused about why he’s cut me off. I also feel guilty because I feel I’ve done some permanent damage to this relationship and have no idea how to undo it. My approach to resolving things has always been to talk it out, and so has his, so his radio silence/standoffish ‘it’s fine’ surprised me.

During the months that we were thick friends, there was plenty of give and take. Have I undone everything in one go?

Am quite busy myself being newly married (happily!), but this has been at the back of my mind. I feel like I’ve lost a friend and that’s weighing me down. I leave the country soon and wanted to meet him (and intro the husband to him too) before I left but that doesn’t look likely now.

What should I do? Should I completely walk away from this friendship? Is it time to turn away? I had made him something for his birthday some time ago, and am not sure if I should send it. I also feel guilty, like I’ve been a terrible friend for making him feel obliged and pushing him (though that was not the intention). I’m no longer sure whether I have to forgive or be forgiven or both.

December 30, 2015 at 3:59 am #90903

HippieChick
Participant

Is it possible that he’s “pushing you away” because he realized during your relationship crisis that he wants much more than a friendship? It’s possible that he feels he can no longer be so close to someone he has romantic feelings for if there’s no chance he can be with her. Maybe he even felt like you had some interest in him as well (not your “fault”) because you tended to turn to him about troubles in your life, especially your relationship.

Just my first thought. It’s difficult to lose a friend without an explanation but if you’re truly happy with your husband and your life at this point it may be better to step back and allow things to happen as they happen.

December 30, 2015 at 5:28 am #90905

Inky
Participant

Hi Pree,

I agree. It sounds like he suddenly fell in love with you. The problem is that you have been treating him as more than a friend ~ visiting, calling, making things, hitting it off. So it’s hard for him to read signals that he is “just a friend”.

Another possibility is that he found someone.

In any case, back way off.

Best,

Inky

December 30, 2015 at 9:46 am #90914

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Pree:

You wrote: “I got really upset one day when he didn’t respond to something I’d made and called him telling him I was hurt.” And then you apologized to him about getting upset? Calling him and telling him you were hurt? There is no reason to apologize for these two things- you have done nothing wrong, none of these two things. These are what caring people do, to help a relationship, be true to oneself and to the other. The fact that he reacted to these negatively does not mean you did something wrong.

Why has he distanced himself from you? It can be an interesting intellectual exercise, one I personally enjoy: figure out people’s motivation, come up with hypotheses, test them out… but does it matter? What matters is that in those two things you mentioned, you did nothing wrong, so nothing to correct. If you were otherwise honest with him, well meaning, open to listen to him… then you did your best. And he does not wish to continue, not for a while now.

I would send him a Happy New Year message, let him know you are willing to re-kindle or kindle a friendship with him, you and your husband becoming friends with him (and possible partner). Tell him if he is interested to connect with you. And then- let it go.

anita

December 30, 2015 at 8:59 pm #90984

TriangleSun
Participant

You think he’s developed feelings for you and wants to keep away because you’re happily married and he doesn’t want to disturb your happiness/marriage? I’d say keep in touch but if he doesn’t reciprocate just back off. You’ve done nothing wrong. If he wants to get in touch he will.

December 31, 2015 at 12:30 am #91021
Pree
Participant
Thank you everyone! I doubt that he suddenly fell in love with me – he’s been actively dating throughout. In fact, he even said he’d be there at the wedding (but my wedding was moved to another city – that’s another story). I feel disappointed, hurt and utterly confused. He would always tell me relationship troubles should be solved between two people but here I am trying to dissect the situation with everyone else but him. Because he’s not helping! It takes two to sort things out.

Before we fought I had left him a few ‘Can we talk when you’re free?’ messages to which he never did respond. I’m starting to wonder whether I even want to pursue someone who clearly has suddenly decided to shut me out without explanation. It’s like both of us put in 100% earlier, and then he started being distant and I tried to put in 200% which made his contribution drop to 0.

Perhaps none of this is even on his mind right now, and I’m the only one trying to salvage what I think is a solid friendship. I stood by at every point, and I suddenly feel like I don’t count.

I guess I need to put this behind me for now – because I might lose it if I keep analysing what could have gone wrong.
If friendship can’t be reciprocal and mutual, why try anymore?

A part of me if full of anger and resentment, and a part of me wants to give him the benefit of the doubt. How do I get it to stop pricking me so much?

P.S. Wish you all a very Happy New Year, with strong, happy, healthy relationships!
- This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Pree.
December 31, 2015 at 12:41 am #91023

Pree
Participant

Hi Tami, I apologised because I thought perhaps I was pressurizing him to respond when I knew he was busy. Also, he had told me a couple of times that he’s either working or partying, trying to constantly keep busy and keep ‘his mind off things’. I thought perhaps he’s just really depressed about his dad’s passing (and he’s not the kinds who’d talk about it) and maybe needs time and space to figure out things on his own. Have no idea why cut off from me though.

December 31, 2015 at 4:27 am #91025

MW de Jesus
Participant

Pree,

Based on what you’ve shared I understand that there is a distance between you and a friend you value deeply and he is unwilling to address it with you. I have a few thoughts. One, 99% of the time other people’s reactions/emotions are about them and not us. It could be that when he lost his dad and had to live with his mom that he withdrew emotionally from many people, not just you, and isn’t willing to engage for his own reasons. I think the less you can try to take it personally, the better (as hard as that may be). Second, have you told him how much his friendship means to you and how much you miss him? Can you offer him that, without any expectation of something in return? You shared that you were hurt when he didn’t acknowledge something you had made. I currently have a friend I am distant from because I feel she doesn’t recognize or value me…but ultimately my need for recognition is about me, not her. And lastly, maybe the friendship is over, has run its course. It is so painful when people don’t remain in our lives (and I hope that isn’t the case for you!), AND it is also a part of life. Let yourself fully feel sad, angry, hurt, etc. Perhaps then you can let go with love, instead of in anger. You were the best friend you could be and for reasons that may or may not be related to you, he can’t reciprocate. Best of luck!!!

December 31, 2015 at 8:24 am #91032

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Pree:

It has only been 11 months since you met this guy. I missed this detail and was under the impression it has been much longer. You connected quickly at the beginning, had some close times, a hint of chemistry… then distance from him, so the closeness was not for that long.

I am guessing you got to close to him, cared too much, too close for comfort, to him. He felt pressured, burdened. His relationship with you was no longer comforting, no longer worth it for him, not light and easy but heavy. This is my understanding.

anita

January 14, 2016 at 11:43 pm #92601
Pree
Participant
Hi everyone,

Thanks for the advice.

Anita, perhaps what you say is right, but he was initially equally invested too. Both of us were in it, and he was the one who made the first step to come to my city as well. And though it’s a short time since we met – we underwent major life changes in the first six months and the relationship was a great source of energy, understanding and support for both of us.

He called me on NY, sounding happy. I was happy to know that he seemed to be doing great. Suddenly it seemed like things were normal. We spoke a couple of times after that, however, it’s bewildering – one day it’s like we’re these great friends and the next day it’s all very strained.

I think part of me still feels quite bitter about our fight earlier, and the fact that there’s been no apology from his side about some of the things he said. I find it odd to suddenly be ‘normal’ and pretend like nothing happened in the last few months without talking about it.

I’ve decided the best thing I can do it to just let go of all of this mentally and stop being affected by this. I myself have taken several steps back from this friendship and I feel it’s better I just leave it to time and space.

I read somewhere that you never have to ask someone to make space in their lives for you – if they want to, they will. If it’s meant to be, it will. In the meantime, I’m just going to take care of myself, focus on my marriage and prep for my big overseas move 🙂
- This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Pree.
January 15, 2016 at 7:39 am #92614

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Pree:

I also feel uncomfortable pretending nothing happened when something did happen. I don’t like doing that and why would I…there better be a good reason for it. A very good reason, otherwise, if something meaningful happened, I want to know what it is before going on. It is necessary FOR the purpose of going on with any relationship of significance.

I like your view about not demanding another to make space for you in their lives and letting go, then, taking care of yourself and focusing on your marriage and overseas move- lots there to keep you occupied and get results that will benefit you and your future husband.

Post again, if you’d like!

anita
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