Hi!

@Anita: My birthday was surprisingly alright, besides my father’s constant harassment. He’said really trying to get me to meet up with him, and he won’t take no for an answer. And maybe I’ll ask my counselor about some options for help, but change is still very scary.

I’m very sorry to hear that you didn’t cope well. I can only hope that you’re better now, or will become better soon. My boyfriend and two other close friends do help me out a lot, and I’m so very thankful for them.

@Peppermint: Thank you for taking the time to read through and reply. I’m not too worried about him breaking in at this time of night, just because he’s usually in a deep sleep, since he has to get up early. I don’t have a lock on my bedroom door, but at times I’ve stacked up a few full boxes in front of it, just in case. Usually when the tantrums are extra noisy.

Thank you for the suggestions. I really do appreciate any opinions on the situation, because I’m at a loss.

In regards to #1, I don’t know. I have a bit of an attachment to my counselor, and I’m not sure if I have the energy to open myself up to someone else, all over again. She doesn’t ever have many suggestions besides getting out of the house, and meeting people at certain gatherings – basically your second suggestion.

I always contemplate leaving the house for a little bit (I live across the street from a mall, and a lot of shops and such) but I never know what I’ll come home to. The thought scares me too much to leave. Even if it’s just him and I home, and we pass eachother with silence, it’s still painfully uncomfortable and awkward. It ruins my day, even. I’ve gotten to the point where when I’m in the same room as him, I have a natural tendency to turn the other way. Or whenever he talks, even if it’s on the phone with someone, I need to play some music to just block out his voice. Jobs are scary, and just a wittle too much stress for right now, especially with school breathing up my neck, and such.

@mitchellspielberg: Thank you for taking the time to reply! You made some very great points, that I haven’t even considered before. Also, thank you for your kind comments.

I think I’m doing the best possible things I can in this situation. And I really appreciate that you can identify mistreatment, as a father. I would hate for someone else to go through this. Though it’s inevitable, that doesn’t mean there can’t be some prevention.

As far as childhood goes – to me, it ended very long ago. The magical, innocent feeling we all know is not something I’ve felt for quite some time. I went through other abuse when I was very young. I’d rather not bring it up, just because I don’t want to make anymore of a sob story out of myself than I already have. And mentally, I’ve always been a few steps ahead. I’m reaching that point where I have this urge to spread my wings, and I feel like staying around the nest is pointless. In reason, I know it’s irrational, because I really wouldn’t survive a day on my own. Oh dear, I rambled a bit.

And as far as writing goes – it’s an old passion. School’s kind of killed any interest I might’ve had for it. Writing bland prompt after bland prompt for years has made it more of a chore, and doing it as a hobby is just kind of a dreadful thought. Though, I still love grammar and editing (just because it reminds me of first grade literature classes) and I edit some of my friend’s work from time to time. It’s nothing special, really.

@Anita: Hi again.

I can completely agree. Even having control over little things like that is pretty comforting. I’m always trying to plan things into ways that’ll bring me the least amount of discomfort. When I did manage to work out, during the summer, I would always make sure that I would be home by 1pm. He comes home around 2pm or later. I always make sure to grab something from the kitchen around that time too, or after everyone is asleep that night. I walk my two dogs daily with my mom, right after she comes home. Sometimes, he comes home first, and I usually wait for him to go to their bedroom for whatever reason, before I go to the livingroom to put on my shoes and leave. He’s caught onto it though, and likes to point it out. I’ve managed to take a deep breath and just quickly get my stuff and go, while he’s still in the livingroom. I have a slip-on pair of shoes I put on daily, just so I spent as little time in the livingroom as possible. I almost think it’s ocd-related, just because I have some extremely compulsive habits, and excessive planning has become one of them.

I’ve been thinking, to soothe my worries of coming back home a little, I can leave to go to the mall while everyone’s still gone, and then text my mom to pick me up when she gets home. Though, sometimes, she’s stuck working late. Well, I probably won’t be able to go for a while, just since I have my online classes in the afternoon, and everyone is home all day on the weekends.

I’m very glad to hear that you’re doing well! I can only hope that I can heal after all of this is over, too. My counselor said that with the cortisol(stress) surges I get daily from him, it can lead to PTSD. It’s a little unnerving, but I’m always trying my best to de-stress as much as possible. I do aromatherapy, listen to soft music, and take brisk walks, daily.

@nan: Thank you for your reply.

I’ve been homeschooled for the past 2 years, by my own choice. I was miserable in both elementary and middle school. Being around people, mainly people my age, only makes me feel more isolated. I’ve heard from a former middle school classmate recently, and she apparently thought I was so miserable that I could’ve easily been suicidal. I wasn’t, by the way, I just really didn’t like being there. I prefer isolation, or being surrounded by a few very close friends. (Two of my middle school friends come over on the weekends.) I can’t be around people all the time either though, I get drained and grumpy after talking to people after a few hours.

In my opinion, online school is a lot easier on me. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t get stressful though, but what school doesn’t? It’s just convenient and extremely flexible. If I want to paint at 9am – with the morning sun shining in – instead of being trapped in a classroom, I can. I’ll forever be grateful for that. Plus, it’s a long story, but I’ve moved to another city and moved back after a few years, so if I were to transfer to the local highschool, I would have to encounter former best friends, who cut me out of their life. I don’t think I want to endure that. Also, as mentioned previously, I don’t know what I’d come home to. And the bus ride home would be unimaginably horrendous.

@anita: Thank you. 😀

I’ve told my mother before, as I briefly mentioned in the main post, but she doesn’t take me seriously. I’ve told her nearly everything (I’ve left out unhelpful details, like my self harm and such), and she just can’t wrap her head around it. From what I’ve heard, she’s grown up in a worse enviroment. She always goes on about how much better I have it than she had it growing up. I’ve suggested moving out multiple times, but as I mentioned before, rent is pricy. Though I’ve provided many cheap options to her, and potential financial aid specifically aimed at mothers and children fleeting domestic violence, she said no. She doesn’t like change, she’s been working the same job for 10 years, with no raise. I don’t think she understands the difference between good and bad treatment. I didn’t either, until people around me started making it more apparent.

Important little detail: She was actually planning to start dating the past guy again, once he got back out of prison. Even after the physical attacks and stalking. I’ll never be able to understand her choices.