@Driftwood: As they say, work happens. Or y’know, something along those lines.

I’ve come to terms with that whole situation. It’s done and over with. But I do feel a little guilty for carelessly posting outside links. I just considered the fact that I’ve used that website many times before with no viruses/scams, so it would’ve prolly been fine. Then again, not everyone uses Avast. I dunno.

Yeah, I do sense change. Little change, but it’s still there.

—

Just walked the dogs again. One of the most infuriating dog walks ever. Mother decided to avoid driving, so we walked them around the icy parking lot. I got stuck with our rowdy, massive bulldog/pitbull puppy, who likes to tug, and not listen to me ever. My mother offered to switch dogs, but I didn’t want to give up, or make her day any more stressful. (I already added to her list by asking she schedule a doctor’s appointment, as I managed to get something lodged in my ear.)

After lots of yelling, screeching and tugging later, we got home. My hands were burning from firmly gripping her rope leash, and my face was burning from having to put up with her. (The dog is a girl, I’m not referring to tugging my mother around on a leash.) He greets the dogs cheerfully, with not a care in the world. This made me realize something.

I’m better than him at something. This may not seem like anything new to anyone else, as you always see how I hold myself, compared to him. But for the longest time, I felt like I was good at nothing, and good for nothing. This is still a very familiar feeling. Let me explain further. If it was him being tugged around by the puppy, he would’ve lost it. He would’ve either scream at her until she listened, or threw the leash and stormed back to the house. I do the dirty work that he can’t handle.

@Driftwood: Howdy. I hope your snow shoveling wasn’t too exhausting.

Ah, mailmen. My dogs don’t like them, either. Maybe they’re all up to something that us non-mailmen humans don’t know about? Who knows.

As for you “big baby” comment, that sounds pretty correct. I don’t know if “addiction” is really something relevant here, unless we’re talking about his frequent protein shakes, and testosterone shots. That was a bit mean, but it’s true.

When I read your challenge/suggestion to do something that essentially makes me confident, and then leave my room when he’s around, I got the mental image of younger me standing there, and quietly shaking my head. Forgive me, as I know that it can only be a step forward, but I don’t think I want to endure that, just yet. It is doable, but in a chore way. Don’t think I would look very natural at it, and then it’d become their entire conversation for the night. When I close my room door behind me, it’s kind of like I’m leaving all of my confidence there.

To get myself out of bed tomorrow, I’m planning on livestreaming my makeup process, before counseling. (Instagram has a livestream feature, now.) I have a pretty small following, for someone online (350 people, about), so it’ll be a shock if I get more than 2 people watching. Hopefully that goes well.

The snow isn’t as pretty as it was a few days ago, which sucks. I really wanted to take a few photos, but the area around here isn’t all that inspiring. I have a hard time finding nice sights, within walking distance. I wish I had friends over a few days ago, but the drive would’ve taken forever. I’m kicking myself, because it was all such a missed opportunity. Maybe more snow will come, maybe not. There’s always next year.

I’ve heard of Powell’s Books, but I’ve never really had the chance to have a wholesome trip to one of their stores. I was passing through once, (wasting time with a friend) a few years ago, and got a few uninviting stares from the college kids that seemed to be everywhere. Felt a little lost. I remember their variety of books being insane, though. Believe it or not, I don’t actually read a lot of books, but I do like being in bookstores. Preferably, the manga or comic section of Barnes and Noble.

Oh – sorry to hear about the video sending website. I’ll dig around for an alternative, for future video sending needs. Possibly just uploading things to youtube as unlisted.

—

Had my friend over, for a few days. She managed to motivate me to get out of the bed relatively early, and then we headed out to the mall. The sidewalks are completely covered in ice, and she decided to wear high heels. Having a laugh at her wobbly, newborn deer walk felt nice.

We got there. Everything felt routine, of checking the few same shops and nagging about the same few things. But we got to Spencer’s, and the routine broke a little. Someone tapped me on the shoulder, which nearly gave me a heart attack, and complimented me on my hair. I quietly accepted it, and then wheezed at my friend, because neither of us are used to social interaction. Also, the mall is at a constant state of being completely packed, so her and I ended up panicking in the middle of Spencer’s. The guy that complimented me earlier sees us two huddled together and comes over to make conversation with us. He’s our age, apparently. At first, I thought he was an employee there.

Anyways, he ends up being a cool guy, and we exchange contact info. This is a big deal for me, because now I have a new friend. I’ve made a new friend. (I should clarify that I’m not naive, I made sure to make it very apparent to him that both my friend and I are in relationships, and he understood.)

@Driftwood: Hey. Merry Christmas to you, too. Hope all goes well, and you get to spend time with your daughter.

For christmas this year, mother and I are essentially doing early back-to-school shopping, sooner or later. I only have two pairs of non-pajama pants that fit, and two pairs of shoes I can survive a day in, but one is starting to kick the can. But I think as far as the day itself goes, I don’t think much will go on here. It’s kind of a bummer, because nothing else brings me back to actual childhood more than waking up to an array of presents. But last year, my mom’s idea of good presents were a rickety makeup holder, and a scale. So it’s better this way, since she doesn’t know me well enough to gift me anything I’d actually want.

There’s a cosplay convention going on through new years weekend, in downtown. Maybe I’ll stop by the bookstore, if we’re close enough. Or if my two energetic, impatient friends will let me. Long story, but the con is relocating this year, across the river, so now the area we usually hang out at during the con is too far away. The new hotel location is at the waterfront, but no one wants to run around a river in 30 degrees, or pace back and forth a tiny hotel for a few hours.

I wouldn’t say he’s heavy into body building, buuuut, he leaves for the gym at 5am every morning, with a protein shake. With the short glances I get of him, I don’t see any improvement over the past 3 years. Also, this is probably irrelevant, but on Wednesday, I get to pester my doctor about testing for having too much testosterone, as 99% of the symptoms listed online align up. I just found it funny how that works.

The livestream went well, a few of my friends sat around and chatted with me, until my wifi dropped. And it was an ego booster too, which is always nice.

I really hope this new year does show some sort of change. Excuse my language, but 2016 was quite the kick to my tush.

—

I accidentally said “yes” at the wrong time, and now I’m being dragged to a candlelight church service in 3 hours. Please wish me luck. I don’t think I’ll survive.. -dramatic back of hand to forehead-

So, this was my first week of break. I’ve gotten something artsy done nearly every day this week, but I also have 30+ assignments to catch up on. I. Can’t. Win.

Warning; minor surrealistic gore. If you can’t handle bubblegum pink blood, and gobstopper insides, don’t click.

http://orig11.deviantart.net/91b9/f/2016/355/b/7/why_bother__by_capturingthebeauty-dasez0u.jpg (This one was done on a 2×2″ canvas that my friend bought me for Christmas, along with two giant ones. I used watered-down blue, yellow and pink florescent pink. Took me ’bout 3 hours. I genuinely love the challenge of working on small canvases like this, but no one views the outcome as impressive as something larger.)

http://orig12.deviantart.net/95e4/f/2016/356/b/9/smoking_kills_by_capturingthebeauty-dasj8mm.png (I was putting on some of my favorite music, and getting pumped to get some schoolwork out of the way. Suddenly, he comes home, screaming. What do I do, instead of schoolwork? Trace a stock photo on my phone, and make it my own. Took me 2 hours.

For reference, I don’t smoke, and I don’t have interest in smoking. Cigarettes are just kind of the trademark of one of my favorite singers, whom I was listening to at the time, so that’s what I was inspired by.)

https://s27.postimg.org/awihglxxd/received_1350623558312642.jpg (This was a request from my friend, if you can’t tell, because it’s not something I’d normally draw. He wanted cover art for a song he wrote. Something about lightening and women. Also took 3 hours.)

http://orig10.deviantart.net/2814/f/2016/359/b/e/deliciously_delirious_by_capturingthebeauty-dastfca.png (This is another thing I drew on my phone. It’s a trace of one of my old photos. Took me about an hour. Deciding to start a drawing at 4am is a bad idea.)

Ooo, outside links.. click at your own risk.

I also got another painting to near completion, but I don’t feel like taking the time to complete it. And I started another one, but I can’t get the style I want correctly. Raaah. I have so many canvases, so little ideas, and even littler motivation. And massive amounts of schoolwork hanging over my head.

@Driftwood: Howdy. I feel like this is gonna be a long post, so beware.

Yeah, it’s a bumpy start to 2017 for me, too. I’m sure we both remember the art high I was on during the entirety of winter break, which means that I didn’t do any catching up, and now I’m failing 6/7 of my classes, with little to no hope of passing any of them now.

As for the con – I made the wrong choice. Only one of my three friends I invited could make it, to start off. It was supposed to be a “end of winter break/end of the year” hangout/celebration thing. But where I messed up was with the location. As I mentioned before, I already knew they changed the con hotel location, but I decided to go to the mall nearby anyways. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a con hotel, but there’s nothing to do, besides pay gargantuan amounts of money for admission and overpriced merchandise. And attend the deathly boring panels, which are usually hosted by very awkward introverts, who can’t do anything but mumble and click the “next” button on a powerpoint.

So we get to the mall. In onesies. We are the only ones dressed up. I’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake. My friend has never been to a con before, and she’s now upset with me for lying to her. We Google the new con hotel location, and it’s nearly 3 miles away, which is nearly an hour long walk. We tried to find the bus stop that’d take us there, but neither of us have the best sense of direction, so we decide to stay at Lloyd (the mall). I would’ve called mom to come back and drive us across the bridge (where the con hotel is), but she was on her way to go grocery shopping, and she brought her boyfriend with her. (And yes, that made a super awkward car ride from my friend’s house, to the mall. This particular friend knows I don’t like him, but doesn’t really understand. So she was yapping during the entire time, in which I only replied with silent nods, and pretended like I didn’t want to curl up and die.) And that being said, I didn’t get to go to Powell’s. I will, though.

My friend and I had a decent time. I made a other shallow promise of claiming there was a hot topic there, when it, in fact, has closed down within the past year. But we got some shopping done. She bought a tokidoki book bag, and I bought a little tokidoki unicorn notebook, to fill with advice and short quotes by the end of this year. And she stayed over for new years, which we spent standing outside my apartment, looking for fireworks, in the worst spots. She started shouting happy new years at everyone, and told me to lighten up. Then we went out and got sparkling cider. I spent that night sick and trembling, because my mom didn’t get me the sleep aid until 12pm. But all-in-all, I had a good time. And she got me fuzzy pajama pants. I really like fuzzy pajama pants. (I’m in a bit of a pickle, because her grandmother bought me a seemingly expensive jacket, but it’s really not my style, and cleaning out my closet is something I’ve been focusing on.. but my grandma didn’t even get me anything..)

I don’t currently have access to Netflix, but I have a few friends I could always pester for their login, or the online movie and tv streaming websites. That opening you linked is really well done. Their use of the drippy textures works in really nice, I think. It gives it a “dark” feel.

Speaking of art, I’ve found another opportunity. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to land it, but I think it’s worth a shot. There’s a new and upcoming monthly surprise box called Stickerbento, and they send out 8 large stickers a month, all by different underground artists. And you can submit art, for free. The only problems I’m having is that the style that a lot of the stickers they have chose previously are very cartoony, and it’s a hard style for me to pull off. I love creating as much depth as possible, and I hate doing lineart, so this is going to be a challenge. But I’ve started on a design already, and I think it’s going swell. I might’ve spent 2 hours coloring the skin how I usually would, and deleted that layer after I finished, to restart on a more simplistic style. And I started drawing my ginger character, only to realize that the company chooses a lot of stickers in a blue/purple/pink color palette, so I sucked it up, and made her hair blue instead. I think it’s coming out well.

Also, I’ve been having a little bit of an ongoing crisis for the past 3 or 4 years (yes, another one). Art style;what is it? Why can’t I maintain one? Doing this sticker submission is making me question where I am with my work, again. I feel like all the progress of finding myself, after I stopped copying anime/manga artists, is slowly unraveling. I feel lost. It’s always been a big goal of mine to have someone see one of my works, and know it’s mine, by my style. But my artwork is all over the place. And I feel like this is going to be an ongoing battle for many more years.

And more on art; I really, really, really want to sell some little doodles this year. Actually, just right before I checked the forum, I was researching on for types of paper people use when selling their artwork. I understand that a doodle isn’t going to sell as well as a painting, but it’s easier for me to take baby steps to committing to something that’ll take 2 hours, compared to 20 hours. Plus, the longer amount of time I put into something, the more attached I become.

—

Mother came home with a bottle of 90 vitamin D pills. One to be taken with food, daily. This means finding something appetizing to eat, daily. Actually, right before she came home I was quickly striding to the kitchen to grab some crakcers, because I didn’t know who would come home first, or when, so I didn’t know if I’d get hungry later. Now everyone’s making fun of me for never leaving my room. They’re all playing doctor, and saying “go out more”. I wish I could express to my doctor that I’m painfully agoraphobic (and for good reason).

Conflict is picking up in the house, again. It all falls exactly under the teepee scenario. He’s scheduled someone to replace the living room carpet with hard wood flooring this weekend, but he’s going to be out of town, and expects mother, the two very rowdy dogs and I to find somewhere else to go for 8 hours. After mother declines this, his response is hilarious. “None of this would be happening if [Sammi] would just take out the damn dogs to go piss.” (Mind you, I haven’t been able to wake up until 1pm, which is about the time everyone starts to come home. Oversleeping is extremely uncontrollable for me. I hate to play the mental illness card, but y’know.)

The blame game. I love the blame game. Keep it comin’.

@Driftwood: Hey. Quicker than expected.

Thanks for the reassurance on art styles. I follow a lot of twenty-somethings who are more than comfortable with their current art style, but I can see them burning out eventually. But it is nice to have that signature thing that keeps people coming back. Still yet to find mine, but with time, I’m sure. I guess it’s better to start the endeavor now, than when I’m 80.

I’m having a hard time understanding the first question you’re asking. I’m currently enrolled in an online academy, if that helps any. My counselor is under my health care and my former doctor referred me, so I should probably be mentioning her as my therapist, but y’know. The academy does have counselors, but all the communications are forwarded to your parents. There was a school counselor last year who skype with me and helped me set up a plan for catching up, but I’d be embarrassed to go back to her, for help. But she taught me techniques that I can use again, if my teachers decide to keep the assignments open for longer. A few of my teachers this year are notably rude and show no empathy when it comes to late work or mental illness (okay, maybe I’m actually using it as an excuse here, but you try doing algebra while someone is screaming at you from outside your door). Anyways, I’ll see what I can do. The lady from last year told me to always turn in the things with the most possible points first, to boost my grades faster. And that anything is better than a zero. Very nice lady.

—

“This topic has been reported for inappropriate content.” Fiddlesticks. If it survives, it survives. If not, it lived a long life.