Dear Sammi:

So she pays you- when she does- for putting up with abuse. I don’t think she has enough money though, to pay you. And I don’t believe there is enough money to make up for abuse-as-it-continues.
anita

Dear Sammi:

True, the solution is right in front of her face, get him out so that you, her daughter, can be safe in her own home. Safety is your right, what you deserve, what you are owed.

It isn’t fair, is it…

anita

Hi Sammi-

I’m also from an artistic family. My mother was a painter, and my father sculpted. One of the few things I would do with my father as a kid was walk on the beach and collect driftwood. Found objects that would make their way into his sculptures. A good analogy for doing something creative with what you are given.

I reread your original post, and it was even more apparent to me just how abusive this person is and I wanted to add a few more insights – correct me where I’m wrong. (BTW on rereading I realized I spazzed and flagged my own post as inappropriate by mistake while having an IT problem.)

Abusive people try to exert control both overtly and passive- aggressively. Why? As a misguided way of trying to control their own fears and anxieties and past traumas. What he says when not just randomly lashing out are his own projections on you and others.

This kind of abuse is a confused mess of past abuse, of fear/anger/failure/love/hate which are all mixed into one mishmash in his misfiring brain. The reason I bring this up is that it is a screwed up, un-evolved Fred Flintstone (no, Fred was too nice) let’s say Cave Man language. How screwed up must a person be to have this be the way he communicates his buried fears traumas and rejections? And to project them on a kid? “No dreams or aspirations? Crying when the boss yells? “ Major projections of his own failures having nothing to do with you. I could imagine it started at a young age with him and effected the way his brain developed (purely speculation on my part).

So this is his ‘language’, which is both consciously and unconsciously malicious. But guess what.. Without really knowing it you (out of necessity of survival) have had to become an expert in this language – in the same way that you might read faces when returning home when you walk through the door to see what the emotional climate is, you understand intuitively what is going on. I realize that you don’t necessarily ‘internalize’ all of his abuse, but I just want to reiterate how important it is not to because it does have a way of seeping in and effecting your feelings and actions.

So just because we understand this kind of person’s screwed up language does that mean we should internalize/have any understanding or even sympathy for them? There are two answers:

1) NO
2) NO for even more reasons you might not have thought of having to do with the future.

No number 1: You owe this person nothing. While you have to be civil just to get through, your main job is to protect yourself. Sympathy for your mother? Of course. She is also a victim in this. – and she’s your mom.

No number 2: You understand this ‘language’ of abuse better than you think. So down the line, when someone comes into your life who speaks this language, it can be a natural inclination to (semi-conciously or unconsciously) say to yourself ‘Oh.. I know this language… I can handle this…” We are creatures of habit, and this is exactly how abusive relationships repeat themselves. (I realize I touched on this before).

There can be a very seductive side to a lot of abusive people because deep down they see themselves as victims or misunderstood. This justifies their actions (and sometimes addictions) to them. This seductive side is what they present when we first meet, or date or live with them. Then come what they think are pleas to be understood (usually not clearly expressed to us or even cryptic so we don’t ‘get’ them), then comes their victimization of themselves, then comes the abuse. Repetition of their same old patterns which have NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PERSON IN FRONT OF THEM. From what you say, you have seen this pattern repeatedly in some of the men from your mom’s past. I am putting this in a future context for you because this is exactly how this shit rolls into relationships that we form that we SWORE looked healthy at the outset. I have had to deal with some of this in my own life and the stuff I’m writing is what someone passed on to me which I had a hard time believing at first but which helped a lot.

The above might seem obvious to you because you know it all pretty well. But there might be few things you hadn’t thought of in the mix. Let me clarify one thing: By sympathy, I don’t mean feeling sorry for someone, but I mean letting it hit our sympathetic/empathetic nerve, whereby we, as fairly normal humans start taking on some of this person’s burden into ourselves.

There is nothing that justifies his words and actions towards you, and there is nothing that should justify you feeling like an expense, or not doing things for yourself. Though it is completely understandable that anyone would feel this way, this is fallout from the abuse – so maybe try to look at it that way and see if that shifts a few emotional things for you.

I realize this is a lot of heavy stuff to lay on someone your age but you are dealing with a lot of things you shouldn’t have to and I hope some of this might be useful in your tool kit.

I have a few more things to say about the creative side of things, but this post got longer than I thought it would!
-Mitchell

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Driftwood.

Hi Sammi-

A few quick words, more – i.e. some creative feedback/ideas to follow.

The reason you are getting such a great outpouring from people is that it’s obvious to everyone looking in objectively that you are a Good Person in a Bad Situation. Keep that line in your mind when the wheels come off. Make it your mantra.

Yes, the self victimization/abuser cycle goes something like this:

“WAH WAH WAH… My boss/mother/brother/sister/girlfriend doesn’t understand me. They exclude me from everything. They didn’t let me pitch my handcrafted tee-pee replica in the middle of the golf course and I worked so long researching it to make it a historically exact replica … I poured my heart into that project and I’m misunderstood and taken for granted. (Knowing full well from the get-go that no one was going to let them pitch a tee-pee in the middle of a frickin’ golf course-duh..) You’ve shown me no respect or love. Respect and love I’m entitled to!!! I’ve tried so hard, but now you’re forcing me to take out my Cave Man Club and hit you over the head with it so I can knock you out and drag you back to my cave. This way YOU’LL NEVER LEAVE ME!! I just want you to know you’ve forced me to do this for your own good and the good of the relationship.”

This is a main ingredient in the domestic abuse/dispute/violence cocktail.

Those ‘little’ snipes he takes at you, which he positions as ‘just joking’ are abusive – make no mistake. It has taken me a long time (years!) to figure that out as I endured it from a family member my whole life. Correct me if I’m wrong, but he is incapable of saying something nice without what I call the ‘disclaimer’ coming down the line at you. Why? Because somewhere deep inside he is too vulnerable to express real affection without the backhanded bitchslap follow-up as a ‘preemptive attack’, his personal guarantee just to make sure ‘he’ won’t get hurt by YOUR rejection because YOU are so mean and abusive. That’s how it was in my case – to the point of being accused of being abusive. So here was my point about sympathy: Now that you are getting a foothold on understanding something of the motivation behind it/him, should you feel sorry somewhere deep down for him? Compensate even subconsciously with ‘self limiting/self-loathing behavior for his terrible (wah..wah..wah) deep wounds that he is too weak to express normally but blames on everyone around him? F—K NO!!!!

Now look at it this way – easier for you to say F-K NO to it, than for someone who is romantically involved with him, since at least you had no choice in the matter and could care less if he leaves. So when he rode along with you and your mother, think of the relationship guilt trip he might have laid on her if he had been ‘excluded’.

You might think I have terrific insight into this person that I don’t even know, but I don’t – it’s because it’s a common pathology. It’s always the same story. I could give you a bunch of examples.

I will reiterate it is very difficult not to internalize this kind of abuse with low self image, self loathing, thoughts of suicide and all those good things we humans visit on ourselves. Especially when the abuser knows your exact triggers. (Knows because in part he created them.)

Which is why the mantra to yourself needs to be ‘Good person in a bad situation’. There is ZERO reason that you should feel bad about yourself in this situation. Allow yourself the time to let this concept sink in – but be vigilant about moving towards it (Good person bad situation or maybe GPBS?) when you feel yourself slipping backwards into those feelings.

As for your father – you are a kid who has been forced to set boundaries with a parent, which is something you shouldn’t have had to do. But you did have to, and you have done it the best you can. It was/is a healthy reaction. Priority here, again? Self preservation. It might be that someday you will say yes to the Christmas card once a year, or not. Your choice.

My niece has the same issue with my brother, and she’s gone through periods of tolerating him and not. He wasn’t around for her in her childhood/teen years and now wants to make amends. At this point (as an adult with grown and teen kids) she is just starting not to be affected by it. I have had long discussions with her about it even recently. I just came across a bitter poem she wrote about it when she was a teen. And she’s still dealing with those feelings. Another ongoing process- it’s not just because your a kid. But there’s time to deal with this. Priority now — Sammi!

Very psyched that you are saving my feedback somewhere for future reference. I hope this all comes in handy in your ‘toolkit’. One thing that is coming out in all of this with all the people who are giving you good feedback and support is that you have been successfully advocating for yourself and doing it through the written word.

Believe it or not, there is motion in all of this (hard to see now, but there is!) This is going to come in handy for you in the next phase as you prepare to get out of there and start working towards getting things on your own terms. All of this is a part of your path out and onto better times.

-Mitchell

Dear Sammi,

Your said that you learned from your mom’s mistakes and from your posts, it sounds like you have in deed! I think that (if you avoid rusty knives and nail polish remover) that you be a wonderful, loving mom someday!

You mentioned that you thought about starting a journal of things that you have learned. I have actually done that myself. It does help to be able to go to it (in the moments when you need support) and read the things that matter; things that help get you through. Sometimes just the smallest sliver of hope is enough to keep you hanging on just a little longer.

So much of what Driftwood is telling you is spot on. My ex husband was/is exactly like that so I know the type that you and Driftwood are describing. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE use the mantra “Good person bad situation or maybe GPBS like Driftwood said. He’s giving good advice.

When things get bad, if you can get online in your room, post here. You’ve got people who care and want to help.

~Shipp

Hi Sammi-

No need to apologize for writing back late. This is your oasis with several people here for you, and I know how slammed you are since all the teachers in all the school systems now seem to have a general inferiority complex and phobia about not giving enough homework.

Your wit and intelligence really shine through your writing and I think this year of being 16 is going to be a turning point and bring about some changes both inside and out for you. For one thing, I think ‘teasing apart’ this giant dreadlock of an abusive situation into its various elements (mom’s abusive bf, absentee father who wants to reunite in some way leaving you feeling ‘too little too late..”etc..…) will make it all more manageable, and soon, believe it or not, you are going to look at this abusive person almost from a distance – and his shit won’t be able to touch you. I know it isn’t easy.. but it’s going to happen. (Not knocking dreads, btw.)

Think about it this way for a second – the abusive boyfriend has not been able to touch your intelligence, has he? Not from the voice I hear shining through all of this. Why? Because he is not as intelligent or self aware as you are and deep down you’ve always probably known that in some way (am I right?). I mean kids have the best shit detectors in the world. Up until now, he’s been an “adult figure” to you, (though in his case the word adult doesn’t exactly apply) an abusive one, and this has taken a toll on your natural (normal) sensitivity and inner soul – why wouldn’t it since, again, remember, you’re a kid, and ‘under construction’. Things have been dumped on you in a giant emotionally unstable junk pile that you’ve had to pick you way through on your own – so of course it would have an effect on your inner life and outlook.

So now, in the spirit of ‘good person, bad situation’ it’s time to sort through the junk pile and separate the metal from the plastic, the lazyboy recliner from the truck tires or whatever junk-laden metaphor you can find.

In separating all this crap, it’s very important to start seeing his abuse as separate from yourself. I know it’s not so easy since he’s ‘active’ in his abuse towards you and knows the triggers, but try little by little to see his actions for what they are, as if you were floating above and looking down through the ceiling at the family dynamic in the house.

I imagine your mother is conflicted inside because she does ‘love’ him for what it’s worth (and like I say, that relationship has its own push-pull dynamic). That and her personal history keeps her in it. She does love you and just doesn’t know how to make it right – especially with this other person pulling her in all directions. So be it. Yes, she’s a flawed person like all of us, but I don’t sense a bad person there, and at some point down the line you will probably have a talk about this all with her. Probably with no or little resolution in the beginning… but at least you’ll discuss it. I also had a parent who was unable to fully be there for me. I had a hard time with it growing up and rejected him as a kid but in retrospect I see that he had a lot of his own emotional issues and he did what he could. In fact I see now he imparted a lot of understanding of things to me. I think the computer purchase, though it’s a material thing, is a way for her to reach out to you, since she really doesn’t know how to address things emotionally with you and seems currently unable to let go of her relationship.

The things you describe about being uncomfortable in some social situations are a natural outgrowth of the emotionally volatile situation you have been brought up in. It can be hard to navigate social situations when you’re coming from an ever-shifting home situation. As you start to sort these things out into their different elements each will have less of an emotional ‘hold’ on you and I think a lot of the unease you have in certain situations will also loosen up. Also, as you and your friends get a little older, there’s more common ground, and they’ve seen a bit more of life in all its imperfections.

Remember you are a teenager and you have the right to be unsure, scared, depressed, angry, lazy, resentful, whatever without being held accountable for your moods. While you have had to deal with an emotionally unstable situation and the instability of others, you yourself are an emotionally stable person (may not feel that way but it’s true- believe it). You haven’t had the luxury of being able to indulge in the teenage years in the carefree way a teenager should be able to when given the right kind of support.

In the same sense, you have a right to your own feelings regarding your father and they can be a confused, conflicted mashup. You don’t have to ‘know’ anything about this situation. Not your job. Again – you’re the kid here – not responsible for the emotions of the adults around you.

By teasing apart all these aspects of your ‘bad situation’, you are going to start finding yourself on firmer ground emotionally and feeling more stable/not internalizing all this abusive ‘bullshevic’ (I like the term!). With some effort, the same kind of natural confidence you rightly have in your intelligence will little by little overflow into your emotional life as well. Gradual process.

Still haven’t gotten to the creative thing yet, but we will. Good to keep sorting through all of this crap first, I suppose.
__________

On another purely practical note – my work takes me to different companies and organizations. One place I did some work for was a women’s shelter and they talked a lot about making sure your computer stuff is secure when there’s an abusive person in the house. I know you said there’s been no physical abuse – but are your writings secure? Any chance that he would read about himself anywhere in your writings and that could stir things up…?? Only you know the answer to this.

-Mitchell