Hello Roxanne,

I’m not surprised you are struggling to move on. You’ve been hurt and you can’t just snap back from feeling hurt no matter how unworthy your ex is.

It seems to me that you need to let go of what he was thinking and feeling. Knowing what he was motivated by won’t change the facts of the situation, he still treated you badly and ended the relationship.

It doesn’t matter what he says about the relationship. You know what the truth was. You know what you did and what you were. Perhaps he is trying to minimise things to make himself feel less guilty about what he has done.

It doesn’t change who you are as a person and that you are wonderful and worthy of love. So look after yourself for now.

I wish you happiness

Oh darling, I wish I could transport you into the future one year from now. There are a couple things you need to know about him:
(1) You don’t know that he is happy. I know they may be running around town seemingly in love. Heck, they might even get married. But his capacity for happiness right now is very limited. He does not sound like a very caring person, a giving person, an honest person, or someone who has the ability to be in a long-term, healthy, stable relationship. I know it hurts to see (really! I do!) but you’re comparing your worst moments to his highlight reel.

(2) He’s manipulative and cruel. That is why he said that you were never together and he never loved you, you aren’t good enough, etc. They aren’t true. But he knows your vulnerabilities and he’s using them against you. When we share our vulnerabilities with someone, a strong stable and caring individual will not use those weaknesses against us, no matter how angry they are. He is not that man. You deserve better.

A few things about the future:
(1) You’re going to be hurting for months. I’m sorry. It’s true. It sucks. Like, REALLY sucks. But you will come through. I’m a big fan of therapy (cognitive behavioral therapy is a place to start). It’s not just for “crazy” people. It’s for anyone who is stuck; it is for anyone who cannot stop crying; it is for anyone looking for insight into themselves; it is for anyone who wants to learn from their mistakes and make better choices in the future. Also, I recommend the book Feeling Good, by Dr. David Burns. He also has a workbook. If you can’t afford therapy or something, this is a good place to start. BUT, you actually need to write out the exercises in a notebook. That is the ONLY way it helps. I’ve been working through his book and workbook over the last few months and it has been really helpful (to help move on after a particularly brutal break up).

(2) I think you need to know yourself better. I could be wrong! After all, we all get heartbroken. But, you seem to have given him everything when he gave you so little in return. Perhaps to point where you lost sight of yourself. If so, it’s common. We’ve all done it. The important point is to regain who that person is, or find out who you are for the first time! Being single is the ideal way to do that. USE THIS TIME. Meditate, take an art class at a local community college, or join a group on Meetup.com. But you are questioning whether you are good enough — a huge blanket statement. Good enough to what? Be loved? To not be on the receiving end of every mean thing a person could say? To be happy with yourself? To love yourself? Everyone is good enough for those things. You need to learn this for yourself so that you actually believe it. And call bullsh** if someone says you don’t.

Pretty soon, you’ll realize that he did you a HUGE favor. It’ll just take some time and some work to get there.