Dear Anita,

“his manipulation worked. All this time later, his words are still fresh in your brain and you believe him… at least some. And you want to contact him just to prove him wrong… ” Yes, exactly. Well, I don’t want to reach out to him, I want him to notice that I am fine without him. I want to prove to him that I am doing great without him. I just can’t get myself out of that mindset. I wish I didn’t feel like I had to prove anything to him.

A few months ago I was at a local grocery store. I never shop there because I don’t like the environment and the workers, but I really needed some oranges for my juice so I stopped by. I went in, got the oranges and quickly headed to the register to pay. There were a few people in front of me and I was waiting patiently. Then, someone comes up behind me and out of the corner of my eye, I see that it is my ex boyfriend’s friend. I freak out!! My heart is beating really fast and I can’t stop myself from thinking, ” I must look terrible” (I was wearing workout clothes and was somewhat sweaty after my jog) and I was also thinking that I must look weird just buying a big sack of oranges. In that moment, I just wanted to look presentable. I couldn’t help but think that this friend of his would tell him he had seen me at the store. I was so caught up in how I looked.

I’ve been trying to tear myself away from wanting to make an impression on my ex. However, it is this feeling that does not want to dissipate. However, I know that I don’t just want him to see that I am doing good. I want him to see and realize that I am doing better than him. I suppose this all stems from him bragging about how well he was doing without me when we broke up.

His life is a mess, and I am very ashamed to admit… but I was glad to read that so far he’s not having a good year, but I don’t want to feel that way. Him having a bad year is no cause for celebration. I shouldn’t be happy about that. I know it makes me look bitter and resentful and I want no part in that. I don’t like the idea of feeling good simply because he is having a bad time. Again, this all stems from all those last conversations between me and him.

“Once it is in your mind while you are dating: say it, don’t keep it in, that will distress you, I think.” Yeah, that sounds right. I do think it would distress me, very much so.

“An introverted man, not a popular and very social guy and one who does not want to have children, at this point, would be a good match for you.” How am I supposed to find an introverted man though? I mean, how am I even going to get to talking to him? If I am an introvert, and not good at talking to others, because of my social anxiety, and he is an introvert, well, how are we supposed to start talking? Also, wouldn’t it be counterproductive to be with someone who is also an introvert like me? I say this because really, if I were to be in a relationship with a man like this, well I don’t think there would be much of a chance for social interactions/gatherings and we’d basically not have many friends or go out much.

“And I would like to think of Aislynn as free…” I would like to as well. I want to be free to travel the world, discover new things for myself, help others, move around, and not feel tied down. Being free is what I aim for.

Dear Anita,

“As I read your post about the grocery store experience I was thinking what a good writer you are. You have the ability to describe a situation in such detail that I can see it, step by step. I think you have a real skill and talent, so much so that the idea of you writing for a living seems possible to me and it is exciting!” Thank you for your kind words. It is exciting, now that I am not perpetually worried about it.

“This is an All-or-Nothing thinking, isn’t it?” Oh my, you’re right!! I went to extremes in my thinking. Gosh, I feel a bit silly now.

“It is natural. It does not indicate you are a bad person, only that you were hurt.” I’m glad. For a while I was really caught up in thinking that I was a bad twisted person for feeling that way. That there was something wrong with me for thinking that way.

“Only what he thinks doesn’t really matter (hard to believe, isn’t it?)” It is hard to believe, or at least it was, a while ago. However, I came to realize that what he says or thinks about me doesn’t matter because it has no real power. It doesn’t change anything. I am where I am today, because of the effort I’ve put in, because of the choices I’ve made. Him thinking highly of me changes nothing. It is simply an opinion. Despite my rational thinking though, I still feel like I have something to prove to him. I guess deep down his opinion of me still matters a bit.

Dear Anita,

“The not-valid, incorrect message is: I am a bad, twisted person. And so, if you practice deciphering correct, true, real messages behind your emotions and dismissing the incorrect, false, unreal messages, you will increase your “emotional intelligence” a lot!” You are right Anita, I did not respond to the issue as I should have.

The reason I believed myself to be a bad person was because I was taught that feeling bitterness/need for revenge was a character flaw. I wish I didn’t think that way because we all experience all different sorts of emotions but that was what my grandmother instilled in me. She taught me that those sorts of emotions were bad, that they made a person a sinner I suppose.

Dear Anita,

It’s been a while since I last wrote to you. It’s taken me quite some time to accept that all my feelings are valid. However, just a few weeks ago I found myself in a state of complete peace and satisfaction. It seems to have come out of nowhere and it was the most calm and perfect moment for me. For some reason, in that moment I found myself wishing my ex boyfriend the best. I found myself finally letting go of wanting to be with him/wanting to see him again. I never thought I’d reach that point. I don’t know what prompted that moment or those realizations, as well as others, but it felt so good and empowering to let go of that hate, anger, and resentment that I was clenching onto. I owe this to you, because of all the advice and words we’ve shared. So thank you for helping me in regards to this. I truly appreciate it.