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I’ve given up.

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  • December 18, 2020 at 9:34 am #371297
    mute
    Participant

    I’m sorry if this is lengthy.  this has been living rent-free in my headspace for sometime.
    The most recent things will be more particular in nature.

    I’m sorry I exist so that the potential of you reading this is now an inevitable variable to those who use this site.

    I’ve come to a point in my life where the 11th hour of my motivations for living has rung.
    I used to have passion.  I used to be a lot of things.  I was a musician, living a double life of excess and determination.
    That drive has been long since replaced by shame and fear.  I don’t have many friends anymore as I’ve left that lifestyle, but the echoes of it remain.

    My mom and I have a good relationship, but I feel like even she doesn’t really have time to talk with me anymore either.

    I’m an artist by profession, but I don’t know how to be anymore.  I don’t know what to create.  I’m unmotivated to make my own anything.  Every time I start, I abandon it as it’s trash.  It makes me wonder if my very perceptions of what is art and what I like are trash.  Maybe my eyes don’t work like everyone else’s.  What I see is sh*t to everyone else.  Maybe my art is just sh*t.  Maybe it always was.

    I’m not motivated at work anymore.  With the exception of my co-worker who has been making a name from himself, my company doesn’t have much faith in me to perform.  My work is ridiculed in meetings, my boss barely acknowledges me and I stay late and work overtime weekly, but who cares?  It’s a job, it’s expected.  I know.
    I know it’s not a competition and the worse kind of people are those that harbor resentment for other’s successes, and heaven knows my co-worker deserves every accolade he’s received…but it gets harder and harder to feel like I bring anything to the table, and to be honest, maybe I never did.

    It feels like no one is listening to me.  The only times they do it’s too berate me for not being online or being available the right way for them.  If my art is trash, maybe my opinions and perspective are too.  I usually keep to myself anyway, but I used to like having discussion about things..I thought people were listening to me.  Maybe they were just taking cues as to how to avoid being that sad state of a being with nothing worth listening to.  If that’s the case, why bother being an artist with nothing to say?

    God, this is pathetic.

    I’m unfulfilled at work.  I have no life outside of it and I’m not exactly in a situation where I can pack up and move.
    I feel creatively unavailable.
    I’m selfish.
    I live vicariously in the drive and motivation I had in my 20’s…and the fact that I peaked before 30.
    Now, merely a frame ravaged by time and consequence.  A cautionary tale at best.  Taking up space and living on borrowed time and empty pity.

    I’m tired.

    “Oh, Woe is you.  You have so many problems and refuse to do anything about them outside of airing your grievances anonymously because you’re a cowardly self-deprecating sack of sh*t”…I imagine you gleefully typing as there would be no reprisals.

    I know it’s not a practical solution, but I’m investigating ways to finally sleep.  The kind of sleep you don’t wake up from.  Any suggestions are more than welcome.

    Thank you for your time.

    December 18, 2020 at 11:22 am #371317
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear mute:

    “I know it’s not a practical solution, but I’m investigating ways to finally sleep. The kind of sleep you don’t wake up from. Any suggestions are more than welcome”-

    – I am glad to read that this is not a practical solution for you. I suggest this practical solution: start the process of putting to sleep- not all of you- but just the part of you that is making your life miserable, the inner critic part of you who “has been living rent-free in (your) headspace for sometime”.

    Your username is mute, but your inner critic is not mute. These are some of what it says to you loud and clear (I will make minor changes to your quoted sentences, such as changing the pronoun from I to you when needed):

    “I’m sorry that you exist!… Your art is just sh*t!.. It always was!… Your art is trash!.. Your opinions and perspectives are trash too!.. You are a sad state of a being with nothing worth listening to!.. You are an artist with nothing to say!.. You are pathetic!… You bring nothing to the table!… You are selfish!.. You are a cautionary tale at best! You are taking up space and living on borrowed time and empty pity!.. Oh, Woe is you. You have so many problems and refuse to do anything about them outside of airing your grievances anonymously because you’re a cowardly self-deprecating sack of sh*t!”.

    It is no wonder that when you have an actively loud and hostile inner critic invading your headspace- that you lost your motivation, your passion, and that your drive to create has been “replaced by shame and fear”.

    Too many of us share our headspace with a hostile, destructive inner critic, an inner critic which often takes after the real-life critics in our lives. I had one myself. It takes healing over time to quiet that inner critic, to render it mute, replacing its hostility with empathy toward yourself.

    Have you heard of the concept of the inner critic?

    anita

    December 18, 2020 at 12:37 pm #371337
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi mute,

    The involuntary and repetitive voices in our heads are conditioned by our difficult pasts. We all have these voices but for many of us they are more negative and persistent. We’re at the mercy of them until we make the decision to not be. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking there’s something wrong with you. The instant you become aware of what’s happening in your mind is also the instant that the voices lose some of their power over you.

    Once you become aware of what’s happening inside your head, you’re starting to break free.

    I recommend reading “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle. This book helped me break free.

    B

    December 18, 2020 at 2:26 pm #371354
    Sammy
    Participant

    Dear Mute,

    I don’t normally post on other threads outside the relationship forum. I just feel like it may be beyond my remit and wouldn’t want to hurt anybody with my advice but I happened to see this thread when logging in and the title drew me in. I know the feeling of just wanting to give up.

    I may be wrong but “I’m investigating ways to finally sleep.  The kind of sleep you don’t wake up from…” this points towards suicidal thoughts. I don’t think your post is to garner pity for yourself. I see this as a cry for help.

    Asking for help is the first step towards conquering the demons within us. So don’t give up there’s something within you that is fighting so make that voice bigger. Make the voice hush the inner critic.

    If you need to let it all out and feel heard, do it we will listen without judgement. There’s free counselling helplines. Don’t give up, you are very much valued in this world. This is just a blip and in time shall pass. Tag me if you need anything sending prayers and positive vibes your way.

    February 20, 2021 at 5:28 am #374973
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear mute,

    It sounds like a mid-life crisis – you losing your passion and feeling you lost creativity too, and even questioning your past accomplishments (whether your art was “trash”). It sounds like an identity crisis too – you’re not sure any more who you are, what you love, what you stand for. As the others have said, the inner critic is getting the best of you, and I think it’s because that what you used to identify with – a creative musician and artist – seems to be gone, at least for the moment.

    I would ask if there was a specific event or a new situation in your life that caused you to start questioning yourself? Or the inspiration has dried out gradually? What happened?

    During your peak time as a musician, did you feel you’re at your right place, that this is what gives you fulfillment, or you had some doubts back then too?

    I believe that if you can figure out what exactly happened and what lead to your loss of passion, it will be easier to find your way back…

    July 14, 2021 at 2:36 pm #382863
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear mute:

    How are you? Perhaps this is the time to un-mute yourself. I am willing to listen.

    anita

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