November 23, 2017 at 2:36 pm #179253
Hello… So this is a very long story but I need help so I will explain..
So about 5 months ago I was engaged. I had been engaged for about 4 years and a few months. I was feeling kind of depressed at the time. Depression is something I’ve struggled with throughout my life and I did attempt suicide at the age of 14. I am now 23. Anyway, I believe I was feeling depressed because I was not able to spend enough time with my fiance, I’m currently in nursing school and he has been working full time and also taking night classes. Also, other needs weren’t being met like feeling accepted. Sometimes he would be judgemental but its nothing that he wasn’t willing to work on… Anyway I was feeling depressed and slightly suicidal and our relationship was feeling kind of stagnant, like we werent appreciating one another like we used to. Which I hear is common once youve been with someone a long time… Any I started hanging out with a guy friend of mine that I had known a few years back… and ended up developing feelings for him. I communicated this my partner, with let’s call him D, and the second guy M, and he was very upset. I communicated that I wanted to try to be poly amorous. He was resistant at first but became open to trying it… but would frequently go back and forth between saying he was open and being very upset. It was very confusing…. To sum it up he started becoming very angry and judgemental to me all the time and I broke up with him impulsively one day and then went to M the next day and we kissed for the first time… I dont know what I was thinking at the time. After that D came back to me and said he would try the poly thing again. So I was seeing both D and M for a few weeks and it was ok… I never had sex with M… Anyway eventually D decided this wasn’t what he wanted and just broke up with me. All this time he never said he would leave me if I did this.. He just acted very confused and upset all the time… But then when he made the decision that he didn’t want to do it he just cut me off and I realized what I had done… I was absolutely devastated and couldn’t even feel what I felt for the other guy anymore. I almost immediately cut off my relationship with M and attempted to get back with D… He took me back and things have been extremely rocky ever since then. We’ve been splitting up and getting back together over and over. I feel so sure of my love for him now more than I ever did before… I realize the mistakes I made and it apologized countless times. I’ve given him space here and there and the space I give never seems to be enough. He says that he still loves me and still has hope of a future with me yet he still isn’t sure if he wants to be with me… Right now we are currently broken up…. for 4 months this back and forth has been happening and ive been crying almost every single fucking day and it doesn’t get better. I feel like I’m losing him and he isn’t able to forgive me…. I feel terrible every second of every day and I’m planning on killing myself if it doesn’t get better. He knows i’m suicidal and ive told him a few times that I feel like I cant live without him.. But I also dont want to tell him anymore when I feel suicidal because I don’t want that to be the reason he stays with me… I mean its not fair for that to be the reason… None of this is fair. I feel so guilty all the time. I miss him all the time. He is my best friend and ive ruined everything and I cant live with myself if he can’t forgive me….November 23, 2017 at 4:26 pm #179273
And don’t tell me to get help. I know I should get help and that is my choice if I decide to do so, if I can even find it. But at the moment I have no insurance and no money, I am close to graduating nursing school but who knows if I can even get through that. The facility they have here for people without insurancdoesn’tnt even give therapy and they have homeless people in them so if anything that would make me more depressed.
I am posting here for the hope that someone in someway can offer help, or relatability… or just something. I feel so lost and alone without my soul mate…November 24, 2017 at 5:20 am #179297
You wrote yourself that you have been struggling with depression throughout your life. Since way before meeting this man, that is. You attempted suicide at 14, before you met him.
You continued to tell your story in hopes it will give the reader information to suggest something that may be helpful to you (other than what you qualified in the second post).
Problem for this reader is that I need the story before you met this man, the story that includes the origination of your depression, the circumstances and relationships that caused your depression. Would you like to share that story, the story of before?
anitaNovember 24, 2017 at 6:56 am #179299
First of all, four years is too long to be engaged, and (from my math) nineteen is too young to get engaged. With or without “M”, it was high time to look elsewhere.
Another thought came to mind: “D” was getting a little judgmental. Nothing flips an already judge-y person over the edge like you doing something fringe-y… such as telling him you want to explore polyamory because you feel an attraction to “M”. Let me tell you, even the calmest, most open-minded person in the world would have a problem at the idea of sharing their loved one. Especially if it didn’t come from “them” first! I mean, it’s not like he wanted to be polyamorous and you agreed and you found “M” later.
Here’s a thought… And I can’t believe I’m writing this… But my instincts are telling me to cast “D” aside and go out with “M”!
InkyNovember 24, 2017 at 11:07 am #179343
Dear Anita. My depression has been lifelong but I received a lot of therapy and help after my suicide attempt. I was in a long term facility for 8 months and got out when I was 16. After that I began doing lots of healthy things that helped my depression like biking and hiking and eating healthy. I traveled a lot as well and became spiritual and found a new joy to life. I still struggled from time to time but felt a lot better than I had previously. My depression was mostly stable throughout this 4 year relationship as well, withperiods of ups and downs. Now I feel like all hope is lost and nothing seems to make me feel better…November 24, 2017 at 11:11 am #179345
Dear inky. I started dating D when I was 18 and we got engaged at about the 2 year mark in our relationship. We have not had the funds to get married and hence forth were engaged for 2 and a half more years.
M Is not a suitable partner for me and I figured this out the hard way. If anything he took advantage of my vunerablity. He also used drugs such as psychedelics and weed to influence my mind.
I love D more than anything and I feel he is my life partner without a shred of doubt. I had doubt before but now I have none.November 24, 2017 at 11:51 am #179347
I read your recent posts and re-read your original. I do read you loud and clear, feeling absolutely sure about D. I do wonder though, if the two of you did get back together and remained together for a while, if you would continue to be as sure as you are now, sure about being with him, and in a monogamous way. He may be wondering the same thing even though you probably communicated to him how sure you feel, just as you have done here.
It is sad, how sure you are, how needy you feel of him, how desperate. Guilt is driving you hard and is a heavy burden on you, very heavy.
Your depression was better after 14, but not gone during your relationship with D, from re-reading your original post. It was very much there.
Back to the guilt, it is very important that you try to have compassion for yourself, at this time. That instead of waiting for him to come back to you, and be as committed as before, before you can somewhat forgive yourself, that you- now- form the intent to forgive yourself.
A lifetime of depression means you suffered a lot. And you are suffering now, a whole lot. Feel sad for this person suffering so much, this person that is you.
I think that it is guilt that is driving your desperation, more than love. Love does not drive a person to consider the desperate measure that you are considering. Guilt does.
Is he in the emotional mind state to meet you for conversation? If he is able to handle being your friend at this time, and you can too (without pressuring him at all to resume the relationship as it was before), it may be a good idea. If this is possible, I would like to suggest to you how to communicate with him during such conversations.
November 24, 2017 at 12:22 pm #179355
- This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by anita.
You are right that guilt does drive my suicidal feelings. I also don’t feel as if I belong with anyone else. I feel he is it for me. I also am in so much pain all the time, pain from fear of facing a life without him, pain from the guilt of what I did and just pain because I miss him all the time.
Every single moment I am in pain and crying more than 15 times a day sometimes. I’ve tried so many things, talking with friends and my parents, being active, cleaning, using drugs and alcohol and nothing works. I’ve stopped trying to use things to numb myself because it just makes me feel worse about myself.
Our relationship has been mostly amazing. We’ve done so many amazing things together and we are best friends… We still are best friends. He tells me he still loves me but he just isn’t sure what he wants… that he feels confused.. He is willing to be my friend and has still been there for me at times, tho right now he says he needs space for a bit.
I would appreciate any insight you have on how I could interact with him better…
I have tried to forgive myself and I understand how I ended up doing what I did.. but it’s still difficult.November 24, 2017 at 12:30 pm #179361
Reads to me that there is hope for the relationship with D.
There is definitely hope for you regardless.
I need to get away from the computer. Will be back in about 16 hours to give3 you my ideas about how to talk with him. In the meantime, if you want to post what you already told him since the latest breakup, how he responded to what you told him, what he shared with you about his recent thoughts and feelings, do share about it. It will be helpful for my reply to you tomorrow.
One more point about love vs guilt: if you resort to a desperate measure, or tell him about such, it will harm him. It will not be a loving act toward him, farthest from it. To love him, if not so to love yourself, abandon that plan.
anitaNovember 25, 2017 at 4:12 am #179381
I re-read and studied your posts. This is my input:
1. At 23. you are close to graduating nursing school. You don’t see it now, but graduating and becoming employable is the most important thing you can do. If you graduate, you will be capable of earning money, having health insurance, affording quality psychotherapy, traveling and living well.
2. If you are currently living with your parents/family of origin, once you graduate and get employed, you will be able to move out. Since your depression started in your home of origin, in your relationships with your parents, it is most important that you do move away so to promote your mental health. Again, this will be possible when you graduate and get employed.
3. Force yourself to do what worked for you before, biking, hiking, eating healthy, spiritual matters, and avoid doing what did not work for you before, drugs and alcohol. Also keep avoiding M and other people who do drugs.
4. It is important that D will continue to be able to work and graduate from his night classes so that he can improve his financial situation. His mental health is as important as yours and it has been in trouble for a while. He is currently confused, angry at times. He needs to heal and recover too.
5. In your future communications with D, keep in mind my point above (#4). Aim at Win-Win interactions and a possible relationship. It needs to work for you and for him. Be honest with him.
Being as desperate as you feel currently makes you being honesty with him very difficult and maybe impossible.
Feeling as desperate as you feel, makes the aim of having a relationship with him the goal that justifies all means, including damaging his well being. When you tell him that you literally cannot live without him you are damaging his well being, hoping that him feeling guilty and scared will motivate him to resume a relationship- this is dishonest and manipulative, a Win (for you)- Lose (for him) proposition.
Only the Win, for you, will not last if a relationship is resumed based on his guilt and fear. Such will destroy him and you will find yourself married to a very depressed man. And so, it will end up being a Lose-Lose.
Post again anytime.
November 26, 2017 at 7:32 am #179463
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by anita.
Hello things have gotten rough since I last talked with you.
I’ll be honest even though he has said he still loves me and cares about me he still has been very negative and has not been kind to me at times. He’s asked me for space here and there, and I have been able to give space. I haven’t seen him for more than a week now and at the beginning of the week, we did not speak for 4 days. Before that, I had not talked/seen to him for a few weekends here and there and also days sporadically I’ve kept my distance. But every time I’ve tried to give space in the past I eventually end up freaking out, like I really want to give him what he’s asking for, and I can to an extent but then I end up reaching to him again.
I sent him a text yesterday morning explaining how I felt like he was being cold to me and not treating me in the way I deserve to be treated. Like he tells me he loves me and may want to be with me again, but then the way he acts at times doesn’t make me feel like he loves me at all. It makes my heart feel very conflicted.
Anyway he knows how bad I’ve been feeling and I’ve described to him how my pain feels, how excruciating it is and how often I have been crying, and I asked him if he could just be my bestfriend again because I felt as if he were leaving me in the dirt. I sent him this at 4 am and he did not respond to me until 12 pm saying he would respond to me later…. mind you this is not how he normally behaves, usually he responds to me as quickly as he can (even if he is busy).
He visiting a city at the time and was busy but I could tell he was choosing to put off replying to me. Later in the day he still had not responded, 2 hours after he said he would and I talked with my mom about the way he’s been treating me. (something else he has been doing is when we get back together we have a ton of sex and then he dumps me again a few days later, it was starting to make me feel like he was taking advantage of me.)
Anyway, I decided with my Mom that the way he has been treating me is unacceptable and that I don’t want to put any more energy towards him if he’s not going to treat me in the way I deserve. I texted him again to just forget replying to me and that I didn’t want to associate with him anymore because it feels as if he has no desire to love me (like he says he does) and that I deserve better than the way he had been treating me. I felt good about this decision and like this may be the only way to heal things at this point.
After that message that I sent, he sent me a ton of angry harsh texts. Something he said was that he thinks I just need to learn to deal with all my pain on my own and that I can’t rely on him right now because we need to be “independent”. Which I agree it is important for us to learn how to be independent but I do not feel like forcing independence on me while I am suffering more than I ever have in my life is a appropriate or kind thing to do. Something he’s been focusing on recently is that our relationship was “codependent” and that we need to be split apart to learn how to be independent.
Honestly, our relationship was not that codependent before all this, it had some parts that could be worked on but we weren’t really aware of it or focusing on it because mostly we were happy before all this. I’ve tried telling him in the last few months that we can work on being independent while in a relationship, but he doesn’t listen to me and has been constantly rebelling against everything I say in some fool attempt to be “independent”
But back to the texts… after all the angry texts he sent, and he said a lot of other stuff besides that I should deal with pain on my own… he also said stuff like he owes me nothing, and bringing up my mistake for the 100th time, and things of that nature (even though he’s been giving me the idea that he may want to be with me again)
After all the angry texts I sent him this simple text. ” You know what? I made a mistake, I owned up to it and did everything to make up for it. Your the one stuck in the past and your the one that has destroyed this relationship. You follow hate and fear and I want nothing to do with that. Have fun being codependent with your family” ( the family comment is in reference to the fact that his family has been very negative about the whole situation and he’s been listening to a lot of the negative things they have been saying, and not really thinking for himself as much as he should).
After I said that he replied a bunch more times, at first blaming me for choosing another guy again, and then it started to seem like he was feeling some remorse about the way he treated me. He said something like ” this is my first relationship so I dont have much of a reference but I assume the way I feel right now means the relationship isn’t healthy” ( He’s 26 btw. I feel like this statement is very negative like you haven’t even tried to fix this relationship for 4 months! I’ve been the only one trying so of course, it doesn’t feel healthy…. but he seems ignorant to that…)
I have not replied to any of the texts after what I showed you above and do not plan on it…
I feel very heartbroken still but I feel like this is the best way to take care of myself and help the situation. I feel very angry at his behavior and there is more than what I shared with you. I feel like I am starting to have some self-respect again, but I still feel scared for the future…
What do you think about all that and his behavior?
<div class=”grammarly-disable-indicator”></div>November 26, 2017 at 10:04 am #179475
I think that he is struggling too. I don’t see him as the “bad guy” in the relationship past and present. It will be convenient to think of him as such, wouldn’t it. There are accusations both ways and both parties have been wrong and wronged.
Following your last input I am way less hopeful about the future of this relationship. There may be a future to it but not any time soon and maybe not at all. Life will be much easier for the two of you to heal and recover separately and then attempt to have healthy relationships with other people, you with another man and he, with another woman.
If you re-read my last post to you, I believe that what you should focus on (as difficult as it is and no matter how much you don’t feel like it) is graduating nursing school. This is the long term way for your well-being. Any time and energy you put into the … impossibility- at this point and anytime soon- of reviving and improving this sick and dying relationship is wasted time and energy.
The loving thing to do is to benefit yourself by abandoning your efforts in regard to this relationship, focusing all you have on graduating school and leaving him alone, no more contact, so that he too can focus on benefiting his own self. No more accusing him, no more blaming him and no more apologizing, none of it. Let it be in the past.
Post again anytime (read your comment on the other thread, by the way, good input there, I think).
anitaNovember 26, 2017 at 10:06 am #179477
* didn’t get submitted correctly…December 9, 2017 at 3:52 pm #181265
Dear Anita; I just wanted to update you and tell you that things have gotten a lot better.
I was able to stop focusing so much on him and just started to focus on myself and what I needed to do. I basically found a way to be happy with myself and love myself again. Almost as soon as I started doing this there was a change in D. He started to miss me more and more and eventually asked to be with me again after about 2 and a half weeks of space. We’ve been back together now about 1 week and it’s been really amazing. His whole attitude towards the relationship has shifted. He said he realized he was just trying to force us to be apart because he felt broken.. but realized he was still ‘broken’ feeling without me, and that he still loved me and didn’t want to force us apart if we still loved each other. He’s been actively working on the relationship now and its been great.
We still have some healing to do and still need to continue to cultivate our independence but things feel good and our love feels like it has been revived. 🙂
Sometimes there is a light at the end of the tunnel…
Just wanted to thank you for being a person to talk to when I was having a really hard time.
<div class=”grammarly-disable-indicator”></div>December 9, 2017 at 6:46 pm #181289
I will Make this very short, at 22 the whole world should open up to you with open arms, I would see a qualified Psychiatryst, get over the depression and move on with your life..it’s a what I would have done if I we’re 22 I’m 70 and still depressed, I didn’t know it but my whole life was leading up to depression, because I listened to everybody but my own heart no-one should decide your life and your future but you