Forum Replies Created
December 27, 2017 at 6:08 am #183841
Things have still been going good. Amazing in fact 🙂 sure we still have stuff come up occasionally but we’ve been dealing with it quite well. We still have been implementing independence and working on our spiritual selves. I hope every one had a amazing Christmas! Thank for the support!December 9, 2017 at 3:52 pm #181265
Dear Anita; I just wanted to update you and tell you that things have gotten a lot better.
I was able to stop focusing so much on him and just started to focus on myself and what I needed to do. I basically found a way to be happy with myself and love myself again. Almost as soon as I started doing this there was a change in D. He started to miss me more and more and eventually asked to be with me again after about 2 and a half weeks of space. We’ve been back together now about 1 week and it’s been really amazing. His whole attitude towards the relationship has shifted. He said he realized he was just trying to force us to be apart because he felt broken.. but realized he was still ‘broken’ feeling without me, and that he still loved me and didn’t want to force us apart if we still loved each other. He’s been actively working on the relationship now and its been great.
We still have some healing to do and still need to continue to cultivate our independence but things feel good and our love feels like it has been revived. 🙂
Sometimes there is a light at the end of the tunnel…
Just wanted to thank you for being a person to talk to when I was having a really hard time.
<div class=”grammarly-disable-indicator”></div>December 9, 2017 at 3:40 pm #181263
I’ve been in a situation where I was being very needy and constantly worrying about the other guy and what his feelings for me were, this neediness just pushed him away. As soon as I let go of trying to reach out to him and started focusing on myself, my guy saw this. He saw the change in me and all of a sudden was interested again. Guys are very simple, they want to be the one chasing not the other way.
<div class=”grammarly-disable-indicator”></div>December 9, 2017 at 3:37 pm #181261
Dear Anastasi; I would also suggest dumping the friend. If this is a person that has betrayed you before and hurt you then it’s completely understandable that you feel like you can’t trust her. There’s a reason you feel like that, and if she hasn’t shown you that she is trustworthy or amended her ways then its best to just let her go, as she may cause more problems in the future.
If anything just don’t hang around her and your boyfriend at the same time.
As for the guy stuff, take a deep breath and focus on building your relationship with yourself. Cultivate love for yourself and do the things that once brought you happiness. Relationships can fall apart when people stop tending to their own needs and pour everything into another person. Just stop reaching out to him and let him come to you. Trust me it works.
<div class=”grammarly-disable-indicator”></div>November 26, 2017 at 5:53 pm #179511
I would suggest starting with the people you know. Is there any reason, in particular, you feel you can’t get close to these people?
Besides the people you know, if you want to meet new people I would suggest using maybe tinder or a social website where you can meet locals, or just finding events on FB or Meetup in your town and just explore new things. This way you can meet new people and maybe find people with common interests. Maybe you will even discover a new passion.
Something you could try is looking to see if there are any dance classes offered in your town. Or any free yoga, or meditation centers. Or maybe something you’re interested in learning about.
This is something I’ve learned recently myself… if you are just honest and real with people, what you’re going through, but not demanding, people tend to listen and want to be there for you.
<div class=”grammarly-disable-indicator”></div>November 26, 2017 at 7:44 am #179467
Codependence is something that is really hard to deal with. I would suggest the best way to learn to not be codependent is to practice being independent. So just do things to take care of yourself, participate in hobbies you love, go to events by yourself. If you ever do find someone again I would suggest making sure to schedule you time, and that your partner also has them time. It’s also important to hang out with other friends without them around.
You said you looked on meetup, maybe also try Facebook to look for events and if your not sure about something you could always try something new!
I would also suggest looking up online of the signs of co-dependence, and how to be independent. Maybe also look into something called codependence anonymous. This is a group that focuses on cultivating independence and can also be a great way to meet people. Good luck!
<div class=”grammarly-disable-indicator”></div>November 26, 2017 at 7:32 am #179463
Hello things have gotten rough since I last talked with you.
I’ll be honest even though he has said he still loves me and cares about me he still has been very negative and has not been kind to me at times. He’s asked me for space here and there, and I have been able to give space. I haven’t seen him for more than a week now and at the beginning of the week, we did not speak for 4 days. Before that, I had not talked/seen to him for a few weekends here and there and also days sporadically I’ve kept my distance. But every time I’ve tried to give space in the past I eventually end up freaking out, like I really want to give him what he’s asking for, and I can to an extent but then I end up reaching to him again.
I sent him a text yesterday morning explaining how I felt like he was being cold to me and not treating me in the way I deserve to be treated. Like he tells me he loves me and may want to be with me again, but then the way he acts at times doesn’t make me feel like he loves me at all. It makes my heart feel very conflicted.
Anyway he knows how bad I’ve been feeling and I’ve described to him how my pain feels, how excruciating it is and how often I have been crying, and I asked him if he could just be my bestfriend again because I felt as if he were leaving me in the dirt. I sent him this at 4 am and he did not respond to me until 12 pm saying he would respond to me later…. mind you this is not how he normally behaves, usually he responds to me as quickly as he can (even if he is busy).
He visiting a city at the time and was busy but I could tell he was choosing to put off replying to me. Later in the day he still had not responded, 2 hours after he said he would and I talked with my mom about the way he’s been treating me. (something else he has been doing is when we get back together we have a ton of sex and then he dumps me again a few days later, it was starting to make me feel like he was taking advantage of me.)
Anyway, I decided with my Mom that the way he has been treating me is unacceptable and that I don’t want to put any more energy towards him if he’s not going to treat me in the way I deserve. I texted him again to just forget replying to me and that I didn’t want to associate with him anymore because it feels as if he has no desire to love me (like he says he does) and that I deserve better than the way he had been treating me. I felt good about this decision and like this may be the only way to heal things at this point.
After that message that I sent, he sent me a ton of angry harsh texts. Something he said was that he thinks I just need to learn to deal with all my pain on my own and that I can’t rely on him right now because we need to be “independent”. Which I agree it is important for us to learn how to be independent but I do not feel like forcing independence on me while I am suffering more than I ever have in my life is a appropriate or kind thing to do. Something he’s been focusing on recently is that our relationship was “codependent” and that we need to be split apart to learn how to be independent.
Honestly, our relationship was not that codependent before all this, it had some parts that could be worked on but we weren’t really aware of it or focusing on it because mostly we were happy before all this. I’ve tried telling him in the last few months that we can work on being independent while in a relationship, but he doesn’t listen to me and has been constantly rebelling against everything I say in some fool attempt to be “independent”
But back to the texts… after all the angry texts he sent, and he said a lot of other stuff besides that I should deal with pain on my own… he also said stuff like he owes me nothing, and bringing up my mistake for the 100th time, and things of that nature (even though he’s been giving me the idea that he may want to be with me again)
After all the angry texts I sent him this simple text. ” You know what? I made a mistake, I owned up to it and did everything to make up for it. Your the one stuck in the past and your the one that has destroyed this relationship. You follow hate and fear and I want nothing to do with that. Have fun being codependent with your family” ( the family comment is in reference to the fact that his family has been very negative about the whole situation and he’s been listening to a lot of the negative things they have been saying, and not really thinking for himself as much as he should).
After I said that he replied a bunch more times, at first blaming me for choosing another guy again, and then it started to seem like he was feeling some remorse about the way he treated me. He said something like ” this is my first relationship so I dont have much of a reference but I assume the way I feel right now means the relationship isn’t healthy” ( He’s 26 btw. I feel like this statement is very negative like you haven’t even tried to fix this relationship for 4 months! I’ve been the only one trying so of course, it doesn’t feel healthy…. but he seems ignorant to that…)
I have not replied to any of the texts after what I showed you above and do not plan on it…
I feel very heartbroken still but I feel like this is the best way to take care of myself and help the situation. I feel very angry at his behavior and there is more than what I shared with you. I feel like I am starting to have some self-respect again, but I still feel scared for the future…
What do you think about all that and his behavior?
<div class=”grammarly-disable-indicator”></div>November 26, 2017 at 6:55 am #179459
Hello, first I want to say this sounds like a terrible idea. I am saying this as a person that just got out of a situation like this except I was on the end your wife is on. I have had trouble with depression throughout my life, and recently just got out of a 4 and a half year relationship in which I was engaged for half that time.
I was dealing with depression about 5 months ago and then got this polyamory idea in my mind. Like it could fix my problems. But my relationship was also similar, my fiance was trying to be the only support I needed and this prevented me from relying on myself… this is turn is draining on the relationship, something I hadn’t realized at the time.
For me to deal with my depression I need to deal with it on my own and develop a sense of independence. Anyway, I felt all independent having this idea about polyamory and having feelings for a new guy was exciting. I was also still In love with my fiance btw, and our sex life picked up as well…. My fiance was also very upset at first with the idea but came to terms that he would “try it out” and everything went downhill from there…
When I started hanging out with the other guy a lot, not doing anything physical yet, my fiance lost his shit. He became very angry and would go between being very upset and saying he was willing to try it out. It got to this point where he was just so angry all the time, and it terrified me, that I broke up with him and proceeded to just try and date the other guy.
It was an impulsive move and brought on by all the high emotions of the situation. I regret it so much. After that he came back to me a few days later and still wanted to try and be poly again, even though he wasn’t ok he tried to act like he was ok… because he wanted to please me. He was sacrificing his needs at the time and not realizing it… This whole situation lasted for about a month and eventually, he realized that poly is not for him and he left me.
I then realized what I had done, the extent of the situation actually hit me and I was devastated. I left the other guy in hopes my now ex would get back with me. He did but things have been terrible ever since. He’s been so up and down and 5 months later he’s still very angry and hurt. This has been the most emotionally draining and terrible thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life and I regret ever pursuing it. We have broken up and gotten back together multiple times. Right now we are split and not speaking because he was so mean to me the other day.
Through this experience, I’ve learned how much I love him, and how badly I actually want to be with him the rest of my life. How important cultivating independence is to maintain a healthy loving relationship.
I think your wife may be doing something similar and making a mistake. If you are not ok with the poly thing in any way do not let her get away with it. No matter how she tries to convince you, just do not put up with it. You don’t have to be mean just be firm. My ex Fiance let me get away with it and was not able to be clear about his needs until a massive amount of damage was done, don’t be like him.
I would suggest looking up stuff on co dependence and how to cultivate independence, and to also share this with your wife. Maybe even share what my experience with this was.
<div class=”grammarly-disable-indicator”></div>November 24, 2017 at 12:22 pm #179355
You are right that guilt does drive my suicidal feelings. I also don’t feel as if I belong with anyone else. I feel he is it for me. I also am in so much pain all the time, pain from fear of facing a life without him, pain from the guilt of what I did and just pain because I miss him all the time.
Every single moment I am in pain and crying more than 15 times a day sometimes. I’ve tried so many things, talking with friends and my parents, being active, cleaning, using drugs and alcohol and nothing works. I’ve stopped trying to use things to numb myself because it just makes me feel worse about myself.
Our relationship has been mostly amazing. We’ve done so many amazing things together and we are best friends… We still are best friends. He tells me he still loves me but he just isn’t sure what he wants… that he feels confused.. He is willing to be my friend and has still been there for me at times, tho right now he says he needs space for a bit.
I would appreciate any insight you have on how I could interact with him better…
I have tried to forgive myself and I understand how I ended up doing what I did.. but it’s still difficult.November 24, 2017 at 11:11 am #179345
Dear inky. I started dating D when I was 18 and we got engaged at about the 2 year mark in our relationship. We have not had the funds to get married and hence forth were engaged for 2 and a half more years.
M Is not a suitable partner for me and I figured this out the hard way. If anything he took advantage of my vunerablity. He also used drugs such as psychedelics and weed to influence my mind.
I love D more than anything and I feel he is my life partner without a shred of doubt. I had doubt before but now I have none.November 24, 2017 at 11:07 am #179343
Dear Anita. My depression has been lifelong but I received a lot of therapy and help after my suicide attempt. I was in a long term facility for 8 months and got out when I was 16. After that I began doing lots of healthy things that helped my depression like biking and hiking and eating healthy. I traveled a lot as well and became spiritual and found a new joy to life. I still struggled from time to time but felt a lot better than I had previously. My depression was mostly stable throughout this 4 year relationship as well, withperiods of ups and downs. Now I feel like all hope is lost and nothing seems to make me feel better…November 23, 2017 at 4:26 pm #179273
And don’t tell me to get help. I know I should get help and that is my choice if I decide to do so, if I can even find it. But at the moment I have no insurance and no money, I am close to graduating nursing school but who knows if I can even get through that. The facility they have here for people without insurancdoesn’tnt even give therapy and they have homeless people in them so if anything that would make me more depressed.
I am posting here for the hope that someone in someway can offer help, or relatability… or just something. I feel so lost and alone without my soul mate…