Home→Forums→Relationships→Lost myself in my relationship
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December 4, 2017 at 4:40 pm #180543
AnastasiaParticipantHi,
So I’m in a 3 year relationship with a great man. He’s a very masculine, caring, protective, man, a guy that shows his love with action and quality time. I’m very feminine, and a woman that loves very deeply. We’ve never been with anyone like each other before we’ve always dealt with people like ourselves. But we’ve always felt that our opposites compliment each other and we are open minded enough to love that and work with it.
As the relationship got deeper, I let my fear and insecurity take over my thoughts and myself. In the past I was lied, cheated on, and left from my ex and also I experienced betrayal by one of my closest friends who would talk to my ex so these events somehow resurfaced in my current relationship bc I’m still friends with that girl and when I would bring her around slowly I would start to notice that she clicks well with my bf. She’s a very social person that knows how to talk to guys and tease and be playful with them. An insecurity comes from not knowing how to do that completely with my bf and watching her do that it made me feel threatened. And his reaction to her was very positive like he laughs at her jokes and she’s very quick to respond and I guess guys are intrigued by that? He has never done me wrong or given me a reason to not trust him. But seeing them speak in any way ever felt frustrating to me and a I reacted in fear over time I kept telling him about it how it bothered me . I was angry and emotional and I was blaming him at times for it. It’s like my mind subconsciously believed that he’s rather like a girl with her personality he’s rather want that. Even though he’s been by my side he’s stuck by me and forgave me every time I reacted emotionally or irrationally. But it got to the point where I lost myself I would abandon myself not be true to myself in my actions. I would try to be perfect for him. ANd the thing is I’ve done this to myself and he’s always encouraged me and wanted me to just be me because he fell in love with me that way for me. So I nevertheless should’ve lost myself. I hate doing this. And it got to the point where I became clingy and I feel like way more emotionally invested in this relationship.
i look up why do I feel like I’m chasing my man. I think I’ve shown my bf such an emotional wreck part of me that he’s used to it. He’s used to this needy clingy side of me that needs attention more and more. But I’m upset bc this isn’t who I am and it’s so hard to change. I’m doing everything I can and I believe in myself bc I know I have awareness. And he’s aware too that I’m finding myself. He expresses to me that everything’s okay and he’s here with me. But I feel like because he’s used to me like this I keep asking him to hangout and I make all these plans to see him I’m always initiating plans and beating him to it bc I’m scared or am impatient when he doesn’t ask to see me. He’s doing his thing when we are apart but we used to see each other often. He used to want to see me often and make plan to hangout. Maybe he doesnt have conscious desire to bc I’m not expressing how I truly feel sometimes? But it’s not fair cause then I cling more and keep asking him to hang and I’m dissatisfied bc I have such high expectations. Like he’s trying to make future plans with me like special dates but lately I just always end up asking him first to see each other casually. I want to feel wanted by him I want him to miss me but it’s like he doesn’t realize or see what I mean. Cause he expresses his love to me with words and he always agrees when I ask to hang he assures me all he can. But why do I notice or why am I comparing to a time where he would ask to hang with me all the time? Should I not be needing that and no matter how long it takes should I just be happy with what I get and wait till he makes initiation to make plans with me? Bc I read on the internet that the more I imitate the more invested I am and the less he needs to do bc I’m already doing the effort. I’ve talked to him about my needs emotionally and idk I’ve rushed things and forced things with fear even though our love has always been here growing slowly. Why do I feel like he’s not chasing me? Is it because I’m not giving him the opportunity to come to me bc I always come to him? Am I coming to him out of fear and impatient ness? Is it bc I don’t have anything else going on and I’m scared of losing him? I know all these things but if I do my thing and trust that he will come to me and make plans with me on his own, should I not be mad if he takes too long if I feel like it’s taking too long? I just want him to want me again and feel like missing me instead of me trying to prove myself to him. Like what am I doing that’s acring like I’m chasing him or should I not see things that way at all? Is that expecting too much
thank you i really want to find myself and not lose the people I love in my life I don’t want to push anyone away
December 5, 2017 at 5:36 am #180593
InkyParticipantHi Anastasia,
Your BF is The Lazy Lover! You have to ask to see him but you don’t want to have to ask nonetheless!
So (and I know this will kill you!) if you don’t contact him, I’m wondering how long it would be for him to contact you? Seriously, I’d be very curious!
After Christmas (when things in general quiet down) casually stop contacting him and be a lady-in-waiting until February. If he gets nervous and contacts you after that make sure you are dating another fellow. Say, “I never heard from you so I assumed you weren’t interested!” He’ll be all, “You could have called me anytime!” Then you be all, “I’m the girl in relationships and I’m used to guys chasing the girls! I don’t want you to be the girl in a relationship! Anyway, I’m going out with Steve now, sorry!”
Good Luck!
Inky
P.S. And lose the friend, I don’t trust her! Don’t bring her around your guy, you two already have problems!
December 5, 2017 at 8:10 am #180579
XymonParticipantMy kid is looking for a mom. What should I do?
I have been widowed for a year. My wife died of a surgery complication. Now, I’m left with our kid. For months, he has been looking for a mother. At the same time, I’m seeking for a wife who can love me, care for me, and love my child as her own.
While travelling to Colombia for business, I saw a group of Americans my age. I asked them what brought them to Colombia. One of them told me they are clients of a Foreign Affair. They were there to meet women to date and marry them in the future.I immediately searched about AFA. I knew that this is a matchmaking agency which is a sure answer for single dads like me.
Now, I’m one of the clients. I will be attending the tour in Asia next year. I even told my son that he will be having a mom soon. Soon enough…
Did I make the right decision? Do you think this is the answer to raise my son well? Guys, I really need your opinion, I hope you respond to this! Have a great one!
December 5, 2017 at 9:23 am #180637
AnonymousGuest* Dear Xymon: would you like to copy your post above and paste it into a new thread, your own thread? If you do, I will reply to you there.
Dear Anastasia:
You wrote that you are very feminine and your boyfriend is very masculine, and that in being so, you are opposites. You wrote that in the past he dealt with, or had relationships with people similar to him and you had relationships with people similar to you (“people like ourselves”)-
I don’t understand what you mean by “very masculine” and by “very feminine”?
anita
December 5, 2017 at 4:42 pm #180679AnastasiaParticipantHi Anita,
Well he’s always grown up with sisters who are like tough like a “guys girls” type, he hasn’t been close to many ppl who aren’t like girl girls. I’m a guess I just mean I’m the opposite of that like I’ve never dealt with a masculine man before the guys I’ve been close to in the past have always been willing to be open about their feelings but my bf isn’t so much like that. We vibe well as long as we be ourselves and speak our minds. But I’ve acted emotionally and complained a lot without understanding that I’ve put a strain on us, I feel codependent. And before al the problems he’s always ask me to hangout and chill without me having to initiate, but recently I e I keep beating him to it or when he does ask me I feel like it’s because I’ve complained about it but maybe I shoukd just take it and cherish it right. Idk why I feel like he just responds cause h has to and not bc he genuinely wants to tell me or share with me things with excitement. It’s iust something’s different from the way it used to and he wants to make it work with me and he’s understanding that I’m finding myself he’s patient about it. Why do I keep expecting so much from him or wanting to see more and more interest when he does try to show me when he can
December 6, 2017 at 2:12 am #180731
PoppyxoParticipantHi Anastasia,
I’m not sure all of Inky’s response is something you should follow – although I do agree with the “let him contact you” part. I think what she said about not contacting & saying “I thought you weren’t interested” is a little like playing a game & games can be dangerous & hurtful. I wouldn’t ask him “when can I see you” & I would wait for him to ask you. Make yourself busy with your friends or family, maybe even take up a new hobby, maybe the gym? That’s good for your mind & body.
I understand about those thoughts you have about previous relationships, I had them too!
Have you tried meditation? Especially the Headspace app? This trains our mind to realise that they’re just thoughts. Our thoughts can be so destructive & sometimes we don’t even know it! Yes it has happened in the past, yes it did hurt, yes it may happen again (no-one can guarantee it won’t happen again) but it hasn’t happened, so what are you protecting yourself from? If it happens deal with it at the time, your thoughts aren’t actually protecting you from anything, they’re actually damaging you & guess what…. only you can change that.I also don’t trust your friend. I can pretty much guarantee you wouldn’t act like that around her boyfriend, it’s disrespectful to you as a friend & the longer you accept these behaviours she is presenting, the longer she feels she can get away with it. I’m not sure talking to her about it would solve anything as she seems to be the type of girl, from what you’ve said, that would either laugh at you, say horrible things to you, or tell you you’re being stupid for thinking such things. Unless of course, it is your brain going into overdrive due to the thoughts you’re having about him leaving you/cheating on you anyway, but only you can determine which of those it is.
What do you think?
December 6, 2017 at 4:24 am #180749AnastasiaParticipantI’ve been open to my friend about how I feel. And she understands but feels it’s unfair to her that I don’t trust her completely and she’s hurt because she thinks or feels that I think she’s a bad person. She doesn’t want me, as her friend, to feel this kind of way about her she wants me to be comfortable and not be anxious seeing her next to my bf. Like be ok with them having small talk. But her personality is more bubbly and social in general. She says I should be ok with her expressing herself in her personality. I just don’t like my bfs reaction to her. It’s always laughter.
And yes I shouldn’t be overthinking or having thoughts take over me. It’s preventing me from being myself. So the more I cling on to my relationship or the more effort I put in, the less I’ll be satisfied bc I should let my man do that right even if it takes awhile? I just feel he’s getting so used to this emotional insecure me that he might not have desire to hang with me like he’s not gaining anything from it. I’ve told him how I feel these feelings and he trusts and understands I’m figuring things out. I will be myself he encourages me to just be me. He tells me he loves me all the time. I’m having a hard time adjusting to comfortable stages in our relationship.
is it normal not to have much to talk about after you’ve been together for so long? I can’t sxpdct him to always find something to say to me right. That sounds unnatural. Like I should be happy in silence with him. I guess I imagine the scenarios where I’ve seen him laugh with my friend even tho it was harmless socializing. I want to make him laugh all the time with me. But if I don’t have much going on in my life he must not have anything to ask about me right. I can’t wxpect too much? I can’t expect him to be interested when there’s nothing happening to me
December 6, 2017 at 4:41 am #180753AnonymousGuestDear Anastasia:
Reads to me that you are panicking. Nothing to do with being feminine or masculine. Reads like he is attentive and loving toward you, no problems, really, except your anxiety creating a storm. First thing for you to do, I believe, is to relax. You have to calm down- the relationship is okay. You are okay. He is okay. Relax best you can.
Maybe a daily long walk will help, maybe daily exercise, a yoga practice.
Your anxiety needs to be dealt with, managed, contained.
anita
December 7, 2017 at 6:09 am #180917AnastasiaParticipantHi Anita,
yes ive been trying to relax and get my thoughts under control. I need to be calm.
do you think I shouldn’t make a big deal out of if he stops saying goodnight to me? Is it wrong that I notice it as a sign hes tired of doing that like losing effort or interest? Because for me if you love someone, I would want to I wouldn’t be tired of it. Is it bad to complaim about that?
and how do you make a man chase you and be interested without being clingy? I’ve been told that I’m overly in love with him so how do I calm that. And how do I regain who I am and know that he will love me through it all
December 7, 2017 at 7:06 am #180923AnonymousGuestDear Anastasia:
The title of your thread is “Lost myself in my relationship”- a correct title, reads to me.
There were times in your life that you were calm, correct? Now you are not. There were times you made sense, that you thought your brain is serving you well, correct? Not so anymore. And there were times, I hope, that you valued yourself, but now it is all about him, about whether he says goodnight too you on any one night or how often he calls you.
This mindset is not working for you, it is working against you.
It is interesting, how you are so scared of losing him when the real problem is, as your title indicates, that you already lost yourself! Having lost yourself, or being in the process of losing yourself, means you lost… everything that really matters.
If you continue to lose yourself, the relationship is likely to be lost as well: besides the fact that you are lost from the relationship, he is likely to lose, or continue to lose motivation to be in it. If you do complain to him about how often he contacts you or says goodnight, he is likely to lose motivation. Most people, maybe all, do not like to be micro-managed, every move they make or fail to make, being pointed out to them and criticized.
Being loved by another is not a right; it is a privilege. You can’t demand it.
No one loves another all the time, feeling affection for another all the time. Everyone gets annoyed with others some of the times, bored at other times. Just like you cannot control the weather, making is sunny all the time, you cannot make him feel affection and a need for you all the time.
Please do post again with your thoughts and feelings and I will reply further, if you would like.
anita
December 9, 2017 at 11:31 am #181237AnastasiaParticipantI understand. I guess every change that I noticed, even small things that he would forget or stop doing when he would consistently meant that he was losing feelings or I wasn’t getting what I deserve.
Him forgetting to say goodnight to me, him not being used to phone calls, him not expressing his eagerness to see me the way he used to but would still agree to see me and make plans…these are things I shouldn’t misinterpret as him losing feelings for me or taking me for granted right?
is it normal to not want to talk to your special partner all the time? Like should I not worry if I’m not the first thing he thinks of after everything?
I understand no one likes to be micromanaged. But it’s because he never had an issue before sharing everything on his own. So I felt the sudden change, maybe it’s exhausting, meant something was wrong with us.
hes also very comfortable with me so he doesn’t feel like he has to talk all the time or think of something to talk to the way he would with a person that we don’t see often. I should udnerstns that’s normal right?
how do I stop reading into his actions too much and see things for what it really is like I used to? We had a great date yesterday, and he always ends up reassuring me he’s here with me and he’s willing to take in all of it that we go through together. And he’s been making a lot of plans with me.
I guess I’m complaining at the way we talk when we are apartlike he’s not expressive of many of his thoughts and feelings through text so that’s why I desire to see him so much in person for our quality time.
if you can answer all these questions for me, it would be really reassuring and helpful. Thanks so much
December 9, 2017 at 2:31 pm #181253AnastasiaParticipantAnother thing, whenever plans wouldn’t need work out for us he’s always make an effort to reschedule to the next day or so right away or come back to me to make plans to meet the next day . But lately he doesn’t he just says we’ll have to do it another time lol and that’s it no eagerness to see me or affection
December 9, 2017 at 2:32 pm #181255AnastasiaParticipantIt makes me feel like that’s another thing that’s changed as if he lost motivation or is that just unrealistic to expect him to keep doing? Should I not be upset about it? I want his eagerness through text too
December 9, 2017 at 3:37 pm #181261
MaryellenParticipantDear Anastasi; I would also suggest dumping the friend. If this is a person that has betrayed you before and hurt you then it’s completely understandable that you feel like you can’t trust her. There’s a reason you feel like that, and if she hasn’t shown you that she is trustworthy or amended her ways then its best to just let her go, as she may cause more problems in the future.
If anything just don’t hang around her and your boyfriend at the same time.
As for the guy stuff, take a deep breath and focus on building your relationship with yourself. Cultivate love for yourself and do the things that once brought you happiness. Relationships can fall apart when people stop tending to their own needs and pour everything into another person. Just stop reaching out to him and let him come to you. Trust me it works.
December 9, 2017 at 3:40 pm #181263MaryellenParticipantI’ve been in a situation where I was being very needy and constantly worrying about the other guy and what his feelings for me were, this neediness just pushed him away. As soon as I let go of trying to reach out to him and started focusing on myself, my guy saw this. He saw the change in me and all of a sudden was interested again. Guys are very simple, they want to be the one chasing not the other way.
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