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Have no close relationships for years

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  • #179481
    Mia
    Participant

    Hey

     

    I have no close relationships and it’s really really hard right now. I don’t think I have really been friends with someone since I was a child a school. There’s a lot of people that I know but they all have families and partners and close friends so I don’t mean much to them. My heart feels like it’s breaking every day. Everytime other people mention their friends or partner and what they did. It hurts so much. And I feel like this is just going to carry on and I don’t think I can cope with that. I think the last time I went out with people somewhere was last year. I cry every evening.

     

    • This topic was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Mia.
    #179487
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Mia:

    Welcome back!

    In your last thread I quoted to you what you shared before about your relationship with your mother, about the terrible input she  had in your life, and so, no wonder if you associate “close relationships” with pain and avoid those. As much as you want these, crave such, closeness is also associated with pain.

    The strongest instinct of any animal is to avoid pain.

    Quality psychotherapy, if you attend and persist, will help to process that pain, to become aware of it so it is less powerful in your life. That will make close relationships (with selected individuals) possible.

    anita

    #179489
    Peter
    Participant

    You are not alone even though you feel alone. At some point in all our lives we all seek out our tribe our other family. It is out there looking for you as you look for it.

    I like the following blog  wanderlust.com/journal/how-to-find-your-tribe/

     

    #179491
    Peter
    Participant

    You may also find the books and audio lectures by Clarissa Pinkola Estes helpful.
    Her telling of the ‘Ugly duckling’ story has a great deal of insight into the problem you face of finding your home/tribe.

    “The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door. Open the door of your pain and walk through.”

    “All that you are seeking is also seeking you. If you lie still, sit still, it will find you. It has been waiting for you a long time.” – Clarissa Pinkola Estes

    A Blessing
    Refuse to fall down
    If you cannot refuse to fall down,
    refuse to stay down.
    If you cannot refuse to stay down,
    lift your heart toward heaven,
    and like a hungry beggar,
    ask that it be filled.
    You may be pushed down.
    You may be kept from rising.
    But no one can keep you from lifting your heart
    toward heaven
    only you.
    It is in the middle of misery
    that so much becomes clear.
    The one who says nothing good
    came of this,
    is not yet listening. – Clarissa Pinkola Estes

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Peter.
    #179505
    August
    Participant

    Hi Mia, I understand how you feel because I feel the same way. When I was younger I had a peer group who I grew up with. All we ever did was party but I had to cut them out of my life by the time I was 30 because they were all getting into too many drugs and alcohol. Looking back I couldn’t really say that they were true friends. More just people I had fun with. There was no real support there.  Since I cut them all out of my life, which was one of the hardest things I have ever done, I’ve failed to create a new core group of close friends.  I’m slowly trying but it’s difficult.   Sometimes I spend the entire weekend alone. It’s painful seeing people enjoying their lives and friendships but feeling so isolated.  If you were in Sydney Australia which is where I am I would say lets go have a coffee because people like us need each other. All the lonely people in the world need to get together and be friends.

    #179507
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Mia,

    Like you, there are also alot of lonely people out there. They too, have no close friends and not much family. They, like you, yearn for someone to reach out to them..for company. All they have to do, or you have to do, is reach out. I too find this time of year very lonely. In 2008, on this day, I lost my last member of my family who truly loved me. I too feel very much alone, not many close friends and I live in a small city where it is mostly married people. I have no transportation as I am very low income on Social security disability.

    Still, I reach out. I keep trying. I love to read. So, I joined a book club at my library within walking distance. I organized a support group over the phone to talk to others that are also lonely. I live near a nursing home and there are people who have it worse than me, people who are bedridden, forgotten about by their families. I walk there and volunteer at times, play card games with them or just talk. Just to see them smile brings joy to my heart.

    I love animals and sometimes volunteer at an animal shelter. I have not made alot of “close friends” but I do enjoy the camraderie. I guess that is what keeps me going. Don’t give up. I have a great therapist as well, and a 12 step support program. Please don’t give out. Reach out, you never know who is around the corner wanting friendship. x

    #179511
    Maryellen
    Participant

    Hey Mia.

    I would suggest starting with the people you know. Is there any reason, in particular, you feel you can’t get close to these people?

    Besides the people you know, if you want to meet new people I would suggest using maybe tinder or a social website where you can meet locals, or just finding events on FB or Meetup in your town and just explore new things. This way you can meet new people and maybe find people with common interests. Maybe you will even discover a new passion.

    Something you could try is looking to see if there are any dance classes offered in your town. Or any free yoga, or meditation centers. Or maybe something you’re interested in learning about.

    This is something I’ve learned recently myself… if you are just honest and real with people, what you’re going through, but not demanding, people tend to listen and want to be there for you.
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    #179665
    Mia
    Participant

    Thank you for all your replies.

     

    I went to counselling for about a year and a half. I found it helpful but stopped going because I felt like I was just going over the same problems and past hurt again and again. And it was a really safe calm space and relationship that I miss but my problem is forming relationships in the real world. It is great having a counsellor but they aren’t a person in the real world like a  friend – they function in a separate space. I stopped going in April because wanted to build relationships in the ‘real world’ but have got no where.

     

    Thank you for the recommendations Peter. And hope you’re okay August I eould go for coffee if I wasn’t miles away from Sydney.

     

    I am trying to reach out but it takes so much energy. I work as a support worker which I think drains me a lot. And I am a quiet person so I find it really hard to go out and talk for hours – I just want to be quiet and sleep most of the time lately. The winter darkness isn’t helping much.

    I play roller derby which has provided me with a network of people but it just upsets me every time I hear of people there hanging out without me which happens a lot. I don’t kunderstand why people don’t want to get to know me or spend time with me. And there is a unspoken assumption that I must have other friends or family around like they do. No one seems to be able to comprehend being totally alone and how hard that is.

     

     

    #179671
    anita
    Participant

    Dear  Mia:

    When  I attended psychotherapy, my therapist gave me homework every session, homework to do in what you call “the real world”. He was the  first therapists who did not limit me to fifty minutes sessions, often went longer (no extra charge) when he had the time. Unlike other therapists, he communicated with me in between sessions. For example, if he needed time to come up with my homework assignment, he would email it to me later. He thought about me in between sessions, preparing  for the next. Other therapists did seem like the only time they thought about me was during sessions and forgot all about me in between.

    Also, that  therapy was not just about insight into the past but skills to practice in the present, such as mindfulness, paying attention to the thoughts and feelings I have at the  present.So not all therapy/counseling is created equal. Therapy didn’t help me either until I had what I now call quality therapy.

    I wonder if attending  a support group, where  people come together and talk while others listen respectfully can help you.

    anita

    #182791
    Bun
    Participant

    HI,

    You are definitely not alone. In fact, my eyes widened when I saw your title, because I thought I was alone. I feel every sentence of yours as if I wrote it myself.

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