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Jealousy ?

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  • August 5, 2014 at 12:44 am #62658
    Alpal
    Participant

    Hello all:)
    I have read a post before about almost this exact same subject , but I have to let it out because I need opinions about it!
    Recently I have gotten married to the love of my life and it just seems as if a lot of the people I know have changed on me, could this really mean that they are all just jealous? It doesn’t really make sense to me because if it was me I would be really happy for them and want to help with the wedding and all but as far as I can see no one wants to help at all ! (in my country you get married first by some documents and then there’s a wedding) I have a friend who used to be very close to me in high school but once we both went to different colleges we have not been that close and I have found that she is so much different than I am ! She hates a lot of things I love and will make herself very clear about that, she is kind of a negative person to be around always complaining and sucking my energy and she never seems to be happy. I loved her and really enjoyed her company but especially she has not talked to me in so long after I got married, never seems to ask how I am or what I am doing or how the wedding planning is going and didn’t even congratulate me when I got married , instead she just wrote a comment on instagram … It seems pretty weird and although it doesn’t really matter to me that much at all I can’t figure out what’s wrong with her? Could this all be jealousy? Or what is it exactly? She seems as if she wants to have nothing to do with me anymore?
    My other question is , should I try speaking to her at all? I feel as though I have tried so many times and she seems as if she doesn’t want to try back and its starting to make me feel like a doormat and like I can’t live without her which I really can!
    The thing is I am so happy with my husband that I don’t want anything or anyone to ruin it for me ! I am way too happy to let that happen!
    Any advice or words are appreciated 🙂

    August 5, 2014 at 1:34 am #62661
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hello Alpal,

    Congratulations on your marriage to the person you love!

    I don’t think it’s a good idea to make assumptions about other people’s motives. Better to just ask directly “Why aren’t we friends anymore?” That might be a good start for repairing the relationship if you genuinely want that. The question is though, do you want her attention and help during the wedding, or do you want her friendship, regardless of whether she’s able to be there for you or not?

    August 5, 2014 at 4:16 am #62662
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Alpal,

    I had some of this too.

    It can be jealousy that you’re marrying before them, anger that a phase of life is ending, upset to see that you can move on without them, jealous that someone else is filling all your needs or even disapproval of the groom or that you marrying so young/before they think you’re “ready”.

    You don’t really know what it is. It could be different things for different people.

    You could call her, but honestly? Use this first year to be happy with your new husband. Then next year call and gently have it out.

    August 5, 2014 at 4:19 am #62663
    Alpal
    Participant

    Hello Ruminant 🙂
    To make myself more clear I was wondering what her motive is or exactly why she changed SO much ever since I got married I really don’t want to think that it was the jealousy that changed her, and I have asked her before whats wrong and she just acts cold about it , she really just CHANGED for some reason. When it comes to helping with the wedding , no I really don’t feel the need for her to help at all but the thing is , is that people that I have known for a very short time have offered to help and have cared about me and my happiness while she asks nothing about me , my wedding, my happiness , my honeymoon , nothing that a normal friend would ask when her “best friend” got married. To be honest I think deep down I don’t really want her friendship anymore because I have changed SO much since high school and it seems like if there is no high school , there is nothing for us to do together or to even talk about we dont have much of a relationship outside of highs school which I guess is some sort of sign . Also when I stand up for myself she seems to get really angry and defensive she used to like the NO confidence me more than this new me who is being true to herself ! To be honest sitting here and writing about it shows me more that I don’t think we are meant to really be friends anymore ..hmm

    August 5, 2014 at 4:23 am #62664
    Alpal
    Participant

    Hello Inky:)
    Sorry you had to go through this too! How did you deal with it and are u still friends with them? Yeah maybe its just the fact that I am moving on in life with someone I love and her previous love life didn’t really work out, its strange its like the older she gets the more different she becomes , or maybe its that she is turning more into herself and we are just not really meant to be friends? Yeah you are totally right when it comes to the fact that I should just think of my husband and us having fun, but you know it feels really strange and awkward for me now when I see her number in my phone! But it angers me to think that I am letting her take these amazing days of my life away from me !
    I guess I should think more of the people that are standing by me and caring and less of those who don’t no matter who they are , or were!.
    Thanks Inky:)
    Alpal

    August 5, 2014 at 4:35 am #62666
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    If you both make each other miserable, then let her go. Remove her number, forgive and forget, and move on. That also means not speaking ill of her when she’s not capable of defending herself and not pondering about what she may or may not be thinking.

    August 5, 2014 at 5:27 am #62670
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Inky

    Hi Alpal. I agree with The Ruminant’s advice to date on this thread.

    For some reason, I am sensing many contradictions in your post and I cant really figure out your exact question. On one side you are happy and on cloud nine for having married an awesome man (Congrats again by the way 🙂 ) and on the other hand side, you are querying other peoples’ motives.

    Do you know what it is that is bugging you ? Have you figured it out in your mind as to what is it that you want ? If you know what it is that you want, then stick with it. Aren’t you a clairvoyant ?

    When is the full on wedding ?

    J

    August 5, 2014 at 5:30 am #62671
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again!

    One friend “got over it”. She complained that I wasn’t spending as much time with her as before. I took out my old and new calendar and made a spreadsheet showing her that I was spending just as much time as ever, and that I was still her BFF! LOL

    Another friend, older, I think wanted me to marry her son. My DH was the total opposite ~ blonde, an engineer, direct, “boring”. LOL

    A third friend makes a living as a psychic and predicted that we would “never last” to anyone who would listen. Now it’s twenty years later and we are still going strong. Now she is upset that she looks stupid. We were out to lunch a couple weeks ago and the restaurant owner was congratulating me on twenty years (our reception was in the same restaurant!) and how they would do this, this and that for the twenty/twenty-fifth, she went on and on and on…. My new age friend was visibly very unhappy!!

    Basically I laugh inwardly at the detractors. DH isn’t going anywhere LOLOL!!

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
    August 5, 2014 at 5:48 am #62673
    Alpal
    Participant

    Hey there Jasmine
    Yeah I am extremely happy about marrying the love of my life ofcourse but you know when you are really happy but sometimes when you are all alone your mind wanders? Yeah well thats what happens with me and my friend , when I am just hanging out alone and looking through my phone it kind of bugs me , not really thinking of her motives , more of “what happened” and why are we not friends anymore and then I sit and wonder if it was jealousy or did I actually do something to hurt her? Or is it just because we are both growing older and changing ourselves? That was the whole point of this post , not to talk bad about her or to decide she was jealous , it was to ask for opinions on whether this could be jealousy or could it be something I might have done to her and if I should try to fix it or let her go. Sadly I know that deep down there is something bigger than me worrying about her that is bugging me , it might be the fact that I feel like I don’t have many close friends, or the fact that I may not be so sure of the decisions I make? I’ll have to sit and really think about exactly what it is that is bothering about this subject , the funny thing is , is that she just acts like we aren’t really friends not even that she is mad at me or anything , just kind of like … Ok whatever kind of thing . Oh and then again , when it comes to you saying that I seem happy yet also not so happy , that is basically the problem I am having , is that I feel like I am letting her steal my joy (or letting this thought steal it) while these is supposed to be the happiest days of my life

    August 5, 2014 at 5:51 am #62674
    Alpal
    Participant

    Hello Ruminant
    Yeah thats more than likely what we should do , just let eachother go since it seems like we weren’t really meant to be friends , I have no intention on speaking ill of her though to others when she is not around , as I do not hate the girl at all I still care for her but it is obvious that something went wrong along the way .
    Thanks again

    August 5, 2014 at 5:52 am #62675
    Alpal
    Participant

    Hey Inky !
    Really admire your relationship with your husband hope me and mine get to be with each other that long!

    August 5, 2014 at 7:00 am #62677
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Alpal,

    The problem with asking opinion on the Internet is that other people have no way of knowing what the true nature of your relationship is, what sort of person she is and what sort of person you are. Guessing and gossiping wouldn’t be very good for anyone involved. Also, how a person presents their question is usually a better indication on that particular persons mindset at that point rather than a good description of actual reality.

    Deep in your heart, you know the truth to everything that happens in your life. What ever it is that happened between you two is still something that can be forgiven so that you can either come back together again or that you can move on. Still, it needs to be forgiven.

    Don’t worry about not having close friends right now. I’m going to be honest with you and say that I really don’t have any really close friends right now. I’ve been through a huge change and a lot of people were left behind in that process and I’m not sure if I want to return to some of them, because the relationships weren’t healthy in my opinion.

    I also know that true friendships require work and dedication, and I haven’t put that work in. I haven’t opened myself up to others in a way that would grant me such deep friendships. But when I do decide that it’s time to forge those relationships, I know that it can’t be based on what those people can do for me and how much attention they can give me. It is going to be about finding the people who would find joy in our interaction.

    August 5, 2014 at 7:15 am #62680
    Matt
    Participant

    Alpal,

    Consider there are two pieces. One is the mystery, one is the dissatisfaction that there is a mystery. Said differently, who knows why your friend acts the way she does, people grow in different directions, uniquely aimed, and so forth. This doesn’t cause the dissatisfied feeling. Its just the unknown.

    It seems like the dissatisfaction rises from grabbing onto her actions as though they are all about you. As though her responses mean that you need to change, grow, or know yourself better. “Why does she do that with me? Why is she not another way?” Getting answers to those questions often feels like it will bring peace, but they just bring more questions. Better to just let it go, in my opinion, and in the quiet space when your mind wanders, take the reigns and direct your attention toward forgiveness. “Whatever the causes for our rift, I forgive you and myself for those causes, may we be free and happy.” Then, her responses will perhaps not trouble you as much, not become about Apal and her beautiful journey. That’s when we can hug those that agitate us, not becoming an energy donor, but honoring our own heart by giving love when we can. As we walk away from the hug, even if they post a FB zing about us, its with a smile and nod and peace of heart.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    August 5, 2014 at 7:19 am #62683
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    @theruminant Thanks The Ruminant – soul touching insight and advice 🙂

    Alpal, don’t stress about not having a close friend. You can have a few on this site as and when you require 🙂

    Good night

    Jasmine

    August 5, 2014 at 7:39 am #62686
    Alpal
    Participant

    The Ruminant
    Yes you are right maybe I should have presented my question as “When a friend changes on you and you dont understand why , should you let go or try to get the friendship back even though you have tried countless times” When it comes to the gossiping I really don’t feel as if I am gossiping about her at all I feel more like I am letting my heart out in a place where I will not be judged for it to be honest:) I guess like you I have not really dedicated myself to anyone I know at all really other than my husband and my family , but not really friends and when I think about it its not really that bad not to have that many close friends. As long as you love yourself really and take care of those around you. And I don’t know if I am misunderstanding you or if you are misunderstanding me about “needing her to give something to me” because thats not what I wanted at all , just wanted to feel as though I had a friend who truly cared for me and my happiness and could share that with me, not what benefit I could get from her, and your right it should be about the joy friends give to each other that should count !
    Thanks
    ALpal

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