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Just Going For it

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  • #287683
    Sisi
    Participant

    Hello!

    This is probably gonna sound like some childish high school crush, and sadly I’m no longer in high school but I guess the way of crushing on others hasn’t changed much :’).

    I do still go to school though (college), and there was this guy that caught my attention at the beginning of the semester, even if I have no idea who this guy is. I noticed that he noticed me too, but I still had no idea who he was. Then, a few weeks into the semester, my friend introduced us (out of mere coincidence), and we had an amazing 2 hour conversation! When we got introduced, I think his friend hinted that he already knew who I was, but maybe I’m reading too much into his friends actions.  Sounds weird but it was just how I pictured it going. He tutored me in a subject that he’s really good in as we were left all alone, and he was being very sweet (offering me his jacket when I was cold) and asking me a lot of questions about myself. We knew a lot of the same people, and we had similar interests. Then after then, nothing happened, and we’re nearing the end of the semester. But I did find myself for the past few weeks crushing real hard. They say to distract yourself from your crush by going out, focusing on work and school, and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve even been getting to know other people. But my thoughts always run back to him.

    I kind of thought that he maybe liked another girl, but when we spoke one of his friends mentioned another girl but he quickly shut the idea down.

    I study where him and his friends study as well, and unless I’m being childish and reading into meaningless actions, I feel like there might be a vibe coming off of both of us suggesting interest. I’ve caught him glancing at me, or turning his body in my direction. I’ve even caught his friends stare at me whenever I walk into the room or I pass him in the halls. One of his friends made it pretty obvious, as I was studying with my friend and out of the corner of my eye, I saw his friend turning to me and staring with a look of amusement on his face. He’s done this a few times during these few weeks. My friend decided to get up and go home, and the second my friend announced her departure, his friend turned around (he was eavesdropping), grabbed his stuff and said he needed to go and left as my friend left too. We were left alone in silence (we were sitting at different tables, btw), until someone else came to get him. When him and his friend were leaving the building, they passed by the room I was still in, his friend kept staring in my direction. Maybe he told several people about me?

    In my mind,  I feel like him and his friends are saying “oh that’s the creepy girl that keeps studying here and looking at you”. But, in my friends mind, they think “he told his friends about you and he’s too shy to come and talk to you”. I wouldn’t peg him as the type to go to a random girl and talk to her. In all honesty, I don’t have problems meeting new guys, and I know that there’s many guys that I’ve been interested in that take interest in me too. So this time shouldn’t be different, right?

    I know he’s leaving to a new school next semester, and it’d really be a shame if I let this opportunity pass me. I just don’t know if I’m reading these messages all wrong, or if there are even messages in the first place. I just don’t feel like he’d come and speak to me (either out of shyness and fear of rejection, or just mere disinterest). But if two people who (may) like each other never say anything, then an opportunity passes us right by. And even if he doesn’t like me, I will never know until I try.

    I also feel that if he had genuine interest he would have maybe added me by now or even tried to smile and talk to me instead of just stare are me (sometimes for a long time). I mean, people say when a guy likes you he just makes the first move.

    I guess I’m just kind of tired of reading into little meaningless messages, and playing this high school crush game in my head. If I were to make a first move, how would I approach it? Should it be by social media or face to face interaction? And how do I not let the fear of rejection get to me?

    Everyone I’ve told this about is saying that if I make the first move, things will go better than I think. I just normally don’t crush this hard in anybody, and maybe there’s a reason for that.

    Please give me insight! Its 2019, girls are allowed to make the first move, right?! How do I just go for it?

    Thank you!

    #287699
    Valora
    Participant

    With the way you’ve described things, I agree with your friends, it sort of sounds like he might like you too (given the way his friends are acting) but is too shy to make a move OR he could be feeling a little intimidated by you and thinking he’d get shot down.

    What if you just walked up and asked him if he’d like to go to a movie this weekend or maybe check out a new restaurant or something?  or if you know you both enjoy or have been meaning to try some activity in particular (like one of those painting classes for example), ask if he’d like to go do that with you?

    I think it’s definitely worth a shot. You’re right, it’s 2019 and perfectly acceptable for girls to ask guys out and I know plenty of guys who loooooove it when that happens (it takes the pressure off of them. lol). The worst that can happen is he will say no, and then he will be going to another school next semester anyway, so I’d say go ahead, build up some nerve, and go for it. At least that way you won’t always wonder “what if?”

    #287745
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sisi:

    You described a lot of what is called “mind reading”, guessing what people are thinking, trying to decipher the meaning of stares and such. This mind reading is quite useless because really, there is no way to read a person’s thoughts. A person staring at you may not be staring at you at all, he may simply be looking at your direction, their mind wandering about things not related to you.

    But you did have real life interaction with this young man: “He tutored me in a subject that he’s really good in as we were left all alone, and he was being very sweet (offering me his jacket when I was cold) and asking me a lot of questions about myself”-

    And he never returned to you with more questions, trying to find out more about you.

    If he never met you in person, never been alone with you and asked you questions, that would be one situation. Maybe in that situation, he had trouble introducing himself to a woman he never met. But he already met you, spent time alone with you and asked you a lot of questions.

    If he wanted to get to know you better, all he had to do is say Hi, how are you doing (with the subject matter he tutored you, or with information you gave him when answering his questions).

    What kind of questions did he ask you?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by anita.
    #287891
    Sisi
    Participant

    Thanks Valora!

    I really really want to just say “screw it” and just go for itt. I guess the fact that we’re practically strangers makes it very hard!

    Thank you for the advice though!

     

    #287893
    Sisi
    Participant

    Hey Anita!

    I agree I did a lot of the mind reading stuff, which gets me nowhere and honestly drives me crazy.

    He asked me questions about my school, my past, where I was from, where I wanted to study and what I wanted to study. We were making jokes and we overall had a pretty good conversation! Even when he had to go, he was lingering on with the conversation a little more.

    But yes I do see your point, if someone takes interest in you and wants to get to know you, why wouldn’t they just do it, especially if we’ve already spoken.

    I use the excuse “maybe he’s too shy”, but in reality he could not be intrigued.

    I guess I’m just trying to figure out if it’s even worth putting myself out there to someone I barely know, or if I should forget and move on!

    Sierra

     

    #287903
    Valora
    Participant

    I really really want to just say “screw it” and just go for itt. I guess the fact that we’re practically strangers makes it very hard!

    Right, I can totally understand that, but you might be interested in him for good reason, right? With what you’ve described, you feel some sort of intuitive connection there, so that may be worth exploring even though you don’t know him well yet. You don’t have to go into it expecting a long-term relationship, but rather just a “maybe or maybe not… we’ll see” kind of expectation.

     

    But yes I do see your point, if someone takes interest in you and wants to get to know you, why wouldn’t they just do it, especially if we’ve already spoken.

    Here’s the question I’d ask….. you have spoken with him as much as he has spoken with you, correct? And you are here, still thinking about him, interested, and wondering if you should ask him out. Who is to say he is not doing the same thing? If this is the case, nothing will happen until one of you makes a move, and the notion that it HAS to be the guy or that if the guy doesn’t make a move, that must mean they aren’t interested is very outdated, in my opinion. Sometimes the guys are just as shy or afraid of being rejected as girls are, sometimes even more so.

    So… you can either wait for him to make a move, which he may or may not do, and risk wondering “what if” if he never gets the nerve…. OR… you can make the move yourself so that you can know for sure the “what if” and risk possible rejection. It’s up to you to figure out which risk you’re willing to take.

    I guess I’m just trying to figure out if it’s even worth putting myself out there to someone I barely know, or if I should forget and move on!

    What are the negatives that you see to putting yourself out there that might make it not worth it to you or how do you think it might effect you afterwards if it turns out he isn’t interested?

    #287909
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Sisi,

    The one thing I don’t like is he and his friends STARING at you. That would get to me, to be honest. Like, what are they thinking/talking about?

    Also, let’s say you do actually get together with him romantically. The boy is going to another school! Soon! Would you want that, a long distance relationship?

    Third, the boy has to make some move. When a man is interested, truly interested, there is NO DOUBT!

    And lastly, if you DO make the first move, be prepared to be shot down. I’m not saying you will be, but… BEEN THERE (and didn’t have to be!)

    Just a Word to the Wise,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Inky.
    #287951
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sierra:

    I think it is not worth pursuing, so if I was you, I wouldn’t. Your obsessing about him, looking for clues, mind reading, that is wasted energy and using your words, it drives you crazy. So better stop it.

    The reason I think it is not worth pursuing is because he wasn’t too shy to ask you questions when he tutored you, you answered pleasantly, it was a friendly exchange and he had plenty of opportunities since to talk with you again, and so, I don’t think that the assumption that he is too shy to approach you is a reasonable explanation to why he hasn’t.

    If you find out that you are unable to let go, then approach him at a time when he is alone and ask him what you want to ask him, so to bring the issue to a close, so you no longer wonder.

    anita

    #287999
    Sisi
    Participant

    Hello Valora!

    I really liked the advice and point of view you’ve given me.

    I guess the negatives I see of this situation is simply just rejection. I’m not really even looking to get into a relationship so soon anyway, but I would like a chance of at least friendship! From what I’ve heard he’s very nice.

    You’ve made me realize that I won’t lose much if I try it out! He could be questioning talking to me as well, or not, but even then I’ll never know till I try!

    Sierra

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Sisi.
    #288003
    Sisi
    Participant

    Hello Inky!

    I agree that staring is kinda over doing it, and personally if they are saying things about me I’d rather know than have to think about what’s being said.

    Also, he’s only going to another university, we live close to one another! So even if a friendship or anything were to happen, it wouldn’t be bad!

    But thank you for the advice!

     

    sierra

    #288005
    Sisi
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I do tend to overthink quite often so I agree with you on the mind reading things, it’d take forever and day to try and dissect someone’s actions, so I better stop!

    I thank you for your honesty! I do agree that shyness isn’t always a reason for no interaction; it could simply just be disinterest/ indifference!

    I guess it’s just the whole “what if” and being brave enough to approach someone who caught my eye is what is bugging me!

    Thank you!

    sierra

    #288085
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sierra:

    You can practice bravery then (“being brave enough to approach someone”) by approaching him. The practice itself, regardless of his reaction, can benefit you. Do you want to plan that approach, when, what and how you will say to him what you want to say/ ask? If you do, type it here and I will give you my input.

    anita

    #288111
    Sisi
    Participant

    Hello Anita!

    If I were to attempt at being brave, I’d maybe try to ask for some help with the subject he tutors me in, since I need someone to test me verbally with the subject. I just don’t know how to do so/ if it’d come out creepy?

    Or maybe even the easy way in by following on social media, but to be honest I think face to face is the bravest but also the most effective way to approach.

    Id rather do it when his friends aren’t there though, I wouldn’t want their presence to affect anything!

    And I do think that approaching him just to learn how to approach and gain confidence in that field is helpful!

    Thank you!

    sisi

     

    s

    #288123
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sisi:

    When you see him without his friends near by, walk toward him and say: hi, how are you? He says fine, how are you, something like that, and you say: I am fine but I need someone to test me verbally with the subject, will you be willing to test me sometime, when you have a few moments? He’ll probably say yes, maybe he will suggest the time right there and then, maybe tell you that he will get back with you.

    Does that reads reasonable to you, to approach him this way?

    anita

    #288435
    Sisi
    Participant

    Hey Anita

    yes! That seems perfectly reasonable!

    I’m definitely building up the courage, and when I do so I’ll see how it goes. Thank you!

     

    sierra

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