* I just submitted a reply to you on your other thread, but it went into moderation because the red heart emoji came out huge. Here’s the post, again, without an emoji, let’s see ifit works:

Dear Jana:

You are welcome!  “I understand that you imply that I put myself in the fawn role. It might be true (?)“- no, I was not implying (that is, suggesting something indirectly), no. I did a study on the fawn response, and shared it with you (similarly to what I did earlier this very morning on your other thread: a study on another topic).

In my recent post on this thread, I looked at my own behavior and my mother’s in regard to the fawn response and left it up to you to see if any of the information applies to you (I was thinking in regard to the neighbor you shared about), if you cared to.

“I never tried to please her… I never agreed with anything negative she said. I corrected her when she gossiped others and I simply said that I had to leave when she didn’t stop her behaviour… I wanted to support her, not to please her“-

– doesn’t read like the fawn response in regard to your mother. You tried to help her.

“I didn’t agree with the other neighbour who fight against the landfill site here. Her way of solving conflicts includes arguing, creating drama, exerting pressure on others, manipulating others to fight for her side… that’s not for me“- no fawn response here when it comes to the neighbor either. You stood up for your position, not for hers.

“This is a note for me to remember / come back later to:…  to do:…”- I will leave this for you to return to later then.

“– A Message to Those Who Love Me –… My boyfriend I am very happy and lucky that I have a supportive and loving partner. Your life wasn’t easy. (life in poverty, beatings… Still, you never gave up… you never grew bitter. You are strong, stable and open-hearted…. Our dog… and you tried so hard to fetch me your favourite ball… Our cat You are the wisest of us all. Buddha cat. My little tiger…. From now, I’ll take better care of you all. –

– This is BEAUTIFUL, Jana, Inspiring, thank you for sharing this here!

anita

Dear Jana:

Thank you for sharing the insightful passage. Of the six principles for a happy relationship from the video you mentioned, # 3 is something that never crossed my mind as “a principle for a happy relationship”: “Treat your partner with mental kindness (kind thoughts lead to kind words and actions)”-

– true: kind thoughts lead to kind expressions, verbal and non-verbal. I realized lately that negative thoughts get expressed on my face automatically, without my choosing- before I am aware of these expressions. And when I become aware of them, I can’t go back in time and reverse these expressions. I can pause before I speak, but there is no pause between the negative thoughts (and feelings that are attached to them) and their instant- however subtle- expressions on my face.

Angry, suspicious, accusatory non-verbal communication (facial expressions, other physical gestures and reactions, tone of voice) are generally harmful or unpleasant to the people on the receiving end. The only way to prevent these non-verbal, potentially harmful, automatic physical expressions is to purposefully choose kind thoughts to replace or balance the negative thoughts.

“It is not clear if “the life to come” means next life or just future in this life”- it could mean both (not one or the other): as the next life in a karmic sense or the future within this life.

Wishing you peace and happiness-

anita

Dear Jana:

I realized lately that negative thoughts get expressed on my face automatically, without my choosing, before I am aware of these expressions- following self-reflection. Earlier, my thinking was limited to me being responsible only to what I say and do. Recently, I became aware that I am responsible also for my facial expressions and tone of voice that’s expressed to others. Not that I should be overly cautious and too controlled, but that I should be aware of negative, harsh and judgmental thinking about other people that leads to angry non-verbal expressions on my part, and correct/ balance those thoughts. Doing the latter will automatically lead to a positive change in non-verbal communication.  

It’s interesting, now that you made me aware of it, Jana, how the relaxation of facial muscles can convey an unintended emotion, such as sadness or worry, even when that’s not what the person is feeling. It’s a good reminder not to jump to conclusions based solely on facial expressions. Instead of assuming someone’s mood, it’s always better to check in with them and ask how they’re feeling.

As to the negative impact of gossiping about partners: gossiping involves speaking negatively about the partner behind their back, which damage trust and respect. I agree, even if the partner doesn’t hear the gossip directly, he/ she can sense the negative energy, leading to emotional distance and strain in the relationship. It does undermine trust and respect, which are foundational to a loving relationship. It is harmful behavior.

Instead of gossiping, addressing concerns directly and respectfully with the partner leads to a supportive and understanding relationship. It’s important to create a safe space where both partners can express their feelings and work through issues together.

Thank you for highlighting this important aspect of relationship dynamics. It’s a valuable reminder to be mindful of our words and actions and to nurture our relationships with love and respect.

anita