Hi,
I’m a 27 (to be 28 in a few weeks) year old man. I have this deep sadness, anguish and rage within me. The sort you feel when the people around you get something good, but you don’t. For all my life, I have the feeling that I’m lagging behind everyone in everything. This might be a little long story, so please be patient while reading.

Back when I was in school, I had this desire to win little contests and competitions happening in class. I participated in a lot of them, worked hard for some, tried casually for others. Either way didn’t win much in any of those contests. Kids around me also participated now and then and won a lot more (some with their hard work-which I don’t have issues with, most other times- by pure fortune). But I comforted myself saying that I should just keep working hard and smart and eventually in life I would win a lot of awards and trophies than them. That didn’t happen.

Back when I was in the 7th to 9th grade phase, I used to play a few sports pretty decently. In our school we had this unwritten perception that if the senior kids picked you while they played during practice matches, you are pretty good at what you played. I got picked to play a lot for the senior team during their practice matches, even though I was in the 7th-9th grade group. The main school sports events (not practice matches) however were predominantly played by the seniors (whether they were good or not, they had the excuse of “This is our last year in school and we like to play this time. You’ll have your turn to play in the main events when you reach the 12th grade.” These main sports events usually involved the entire school, parents and teachers spectating and any good game played there by you, will overnight push you to the level of a school legend. I had for so long played decently in the practice games (without spectators) and got the appreciation of the senior players, (a couple seniors even saying that when I reached 12th grade I would be a school sporting hero too the way I made certain sporting moves.) I waited so eagerly for my sporting glory in 12th grade and kept dreaming about how I will be loved and celebrated by all. But when I reached the 10th grade, I had to skip sports for a year due to my exams. When I returned back to sports at the end of the 11th grade, things changed completely. New kids had come, there was no more the trend of giving the seniors preference, nor proper trials to choose the best players. All decisions were made by certain kids who were the captains and they mostly picked their friends (sometimes even juniors.) People who had no skills for particular sports and some juniors, all made it to the team, and I was left off. There were literally just two kids who were left off the teams (there were four different house teams actually) and I was one of the two kids, with the other kid not being interested in sports at all. I spent that sports day sitting in the school terrace and seeing my friends, my juniors (who used to look up to me for sporting advice) all playing in the main events and being cheered and celebrated by everyone around. That day hurt me really bad and still does when I think about it. Something I had waited for so long, not being mine. Whether I deserve that glory or not I do not know. But I know for sure that people who didn’t play that sport half as good as me, made it to the team and I didn’t. And that hurts me. It wouldn’t have hurt me as much, if only the deserving ones, who were good at the sport, got the places despite me not getting it.

Also during the same phase of my life, I had the opportunity to go to a three day trip arranged at school when I was in 9th grade. I absolutely loved the trip and was so eager to experience more trips like that. There was no trip in 10th grade due to our exams and 11th trip was something I missed due to ill health. I had since my 9th grade trip, so eagerly awaited to go on such a trip with my school mates again and my parents kept saying that I will have my chance when I was in 12th grade. I kept waiting and dreaming and the 12th grade trip finally came. Almost my entire class went on that trip, but I wasn’t allowed by my parents since there were some security issues in the region where the trip was then being held. I can understand my parents’ concern but it wasn’t as serious a threat as they perceived. I mean every other parent sent their kids, do they not love their kids as much? I must understand my parents love for me in this instance, alright fine, but they never thought of how much I wanted this trip and how their rejection of my trip has impacted me thereafter. Anyway, whatever be the case, I wasn’t allowed to go, all my friends did, they had a great time, new bonds were made, great friendships were forged and memories made during that long trip, and I missed all of it.
My parents kept saying that I will have my time, when I go again with my friends in college or thereafter and I had to console myself that I will. It has been over ten years since that trip, I haven’t had the opportunity to go anywhere even alone, or with my friends. That trip also gave my friends the confidence to travel alone, explore and become more confident, permitting them to even go abroad for studies, work so on. That again has psychologically impacted me. I didn’t go to a regular college since the course I wanted to study was too expensive to study abroad and locally it was only available as a distant education course. And the offices I worked after my studies didn’t have a trip and I didn’t gel with the people there as much I had with my school mates. So I could never actually experience the fun all my friends had experienced in the 12th grade trip. Now if I cite that to my parents, they say, how is it their fault that I didn’t pick a course that had a regular college course. Fair point, but why ruin the chance that I had gotten. Since then I have never travelled anywhere in life, other than with family, that too not far away (as taking family to distant locations are expensive.) Friends are too busy with their own lives and I couldn’t expect the entire class of 12th grade to come with, since many are also married and have their own families. Whatever said or done, I could never experience that trip the way things were back then.
Now similarly, back in school I used to see my seniors who finished school, went to world class universities abroad and made great accomplishments. All my school teachers used to point at them and speak so proudly of them. I used to dream that I too will get to do something similar, go to world class universities and make great accomplishments. But of course I couldn’t afford financially. Many of my friends weren’t able to afford as well, but they had people to guide them and help them, by which they worked for a couple years and eventually made enough money to go abroad and study. Now if I look back at my class picture from school days, there is hardly one or two guys who are here still near my locality. And I feel once again I’m left behind. I have not picked a course that will fetch me good money for me to study it abroad at the same time I am not interested in any course that is offered abroad. Courses picked by them are engineering related, medical related or law related, which, even if they study getting loan, they will eventually make money and pay the loan. I am however interested only in Literature and Humanities, none of which will fetch me money. I guess this is one thing I have to put the blame on myself.
Where I am from, people used to buy their sons and daughters vehicle of some sort when they reach 16-18 years in age. I too used to dream of my own bike or car back in my early teens. I was so eager to reach the age of 16 for me to start riding vehicles. I once again wasn’t bought one citing safety reasons and not being able to drive even a scooter is a blow to my confidence. Back in that age, I used to be fearless and adventurous and trying to ride bikes or cars back then would have been much easier. Now its embarrassing to even been seen learning to drive them at age 28, and also my confidence is so low having lost a couple of friends to driving related accidents. I genuinely have a fear to drive and yet have the desire to drive. Had I been permitted to have my first drive back in that age, I wouldn’t have been lagging behind now in that as well. At 28 I still don’t have a vehicle of my own and it enrages me so much when I see my 16 year old cousin getting his own vehicle or my juniors going around with their girlfriends in bikes or cars, enjoying time.
That brings on to the next issue. Girlfriends or partners. Our movies, songs, poetry, tv programs all give so much importance to romance, love, sex. I used to imagine me enjoying all those things even when I was in my mid teens. People around me started to have girlfriends, but I could not. The places where I went to, there weren’t any girls anywhere. Only in school had I been with girls my own age. But back then I wasn’t mature enough to think of those girls who I had already seen as friends as anything more than that. From there on, in the institute I had studies, in the offices I had worked, wherever I went, it was all either men, older women, or way younger girls (like 7-8 years younger, whom I’m not interested in) or already committed or married women (these are rare by themselves.) I don’t know where people find their love. It just hasn’t happened to me. I’m ashamed to say at age 28, I still haven’t had a kiss, hadn’t touched a woman and haven’t ever been in love. When people discuss about their first kiss, first romantic adventures in office parties or social gatherings, I feel so left out and behind. Even 19-21 year old juniors at work have girlfriends or are married. Some of my more conservative friends were married early by their families. Some of the more open friends found girlfriends in parties or social gatherings. I am in between. I don’t go to wild parties or inappropriate social gatherings. I don’t like online dating. I don’t find anyone at work in my age group. I simply don’t see it happening for me.
I look back at my school group photo, everyone has one problem or the other and I sympathize for them all. There are rich friends, there are poor friends, there are committed ones, married ones, rarely single ones (those who had broken up), there are those who have travelled the world and those few who haven’t been abroad (but have still travelled all around the country.) I am the only one who hasn’t had any of it. Never been in a relationship, never found love, doesn’t own a vehicle, doesn’t travel (can’t afford or have company). And it pisses me off that my prime years (the years where people are supposed to enjoy the most) is fast going by and I haven’t enjoyed anything. And it saddens me even more when I see people older and younger than me experiencing and enjoying things that I haven’t. I know it isn’t fair and I do not do anything to prevent them from enjoying. My concern is all about me not enjoying. And life has already gone so much. What a bland existence this has been. I guess I’m the only one in the world that even at age 28 hasn’t been on a plane, hasn’t moved out of the country, hasn’t been in a relationship, hasn’t had a kiss, hasn’t studied in a good university, hasn’t done anything fun. I’m sure 99.999% of the world population would have experienced at least one of the aforementioned. I don’t know what I expect people to respond to this post. I just want to share. If you want to look down upon me, feel free. If you want to ignore, do ignore. If you want to criticize, please do.