- This topic has 11 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.
March 15, 2017 at 2:11 pm #139691
Wasn’t quite sure where to post this, but I guess I’m seeking help with my relationship to me. A little background on my current situation and life. I’m going to be 25yo next month, I’m attending grad school for counseling and plan on being a therapist. I’m black/Hispanic male, and have struggled with feelings of not belonging since I can remember. I used to be really depressed and had multiple suicide attempts, self harmer, and was a daily weed smoker from about 17-23. I’ve since made great strides in turning my mental health around thanks to a really good therapist and group work. My mindstate is completely different than two years ago when I was ready to die after a breakup with my GF of 5 years. Since then I have dated a few women and most recently dated a woman for about 6 months until Dec 2016 during which I realized it was not a healthy relationship for me because she was severely wounded and would not get help, and it was taking its toll on me. I would say I’m a pretty good looking guy (lol) and I’m probably more confident with women, making friends, and being my authentic self than ever. I feel awesome about what I do for people and myself and try to spread love at every opportunity.
With all that being said I’m still struggling with self love, and feeling lovable. I have made a decision to stop pursuing women for the rest of 2017 or at least until I feel as if Im deserving of love. I should also mention being black in America has also contributed to my feelings of Inadequacy even though I hold the belief that all people are equals, I’ve never dated outside my race, except for a couple biracial women, but because of my career choice I find myself surrounded mostly by middle class white women at work and school. Having been attracted to a woman in my class but not feeling as if it was even possible for a white women to be attracted to me, has made me realize how feelings of worthlessness are still inside me, and im having trouble working them out and feeling as if I am worthy of love. It also made me realize until I can process these feelings I should probably abstain from relationships until I am fully healthy, out of fear of continuing to attract wounded people. If anyone has any thoughts on loving oneself or getting over feelings of inadequacy please chime in. Thanks in advance peace and love!March 15, 2017 at 7:35 pm #139719AnonymousGuest
You wrote: “I should probably abstain from relationships until I am fully healthy, out of fear of continuing to attract wounded people”-
I have two comments on this one sentence:
1) It is possible that all women, all people are wounded.
2) I believe that your quest to be “fully healthy” and love yourself is impossible without relationships. Wasn’t it a therapist that made a big difference in your life, leading to you being in a much better mental place now than you were a couple of years ago? It was the relationship with the therapist that made it possible.
It may very well be wise to not have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship for a while, but relationships, those are needed to continue healing.
anitaMarch 15, 2017 at 8:33 pm #139731
Thank you for your reply Anita. You pointed out a common pattern in my thinking I’ve been trying to improve, which is accepting imperfection in myself and others. I agree that all people are wounded to some degree. From merely existing suffering is inevitable. Even though the last relationship I was in was unhealthy I certainly learned alot about myself and what I’m attracted to, I’m trying to change the pattern of engaging in relationships with people whom I think I can help, which is really a selfish way of me obtaining love and security from others.
Going back and reading my post again with your reflection also helped me realize being “fully healthy” without relationships is doing myself a disservice by not allowing me to explore the feelings that others bring up inside me due to their presence. I do think I need to take a break from romance but platonic relationships don’t always have the same risk/vulnerability involved that romantic ones do to allow for deep self exploration.
Thank youMarch 16, 2017 at 4:38 am #139739InkyParticipant
If you wait until you are 100% before you start a relationship, you will never have a relationship LOL.
As for being black/Hispanic, there are plenty of attractive white women with black husbands. We have had quantum leaps in our society, even in the past decade, regarding inter-racial couples. On TV commercials and in movies I’m seeing more and more of it being portrayed. This is HUGE. When you are represented in the cultural narrative it is affirming and gives other people permission to be themselves.
Don’t be afraid to express interest in women you like. And if you find something in a woman you don’t like, that too is a blessing because it solidifies in your mind what you DO want.
Blessings to You,
March 16, 2017 at 6:31 am #139747AnonymousGuest
- This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
You are welcome. In your last post you mentioned your “pattern of engaging in relationships with people whom I think I can help, which is really a selfish way of me obtaining love and security from others”-
I am familiar with this pattern. A child, observing an undependable parent, figures: if I help my parent, make him strong and dependable, then he/ she will make it possible for me to be safe. All motivations of a child is about survival, self interest is a motivation we share with all living things, and so, it is not selfish.
So I understand the pattern you referred to is being attracted to women who need a lot of help, as in a “repetition compulsion”- to fix her so that you can be safe. Is that it?
anitaMarch 16, 2017 at 7:17 am #139763
Anita, your spot on. Growing up my mom was very depressed and my dad had anger issues, one of my strongest memories from childhood was my dad telling me and my sister it was “our job to keep our mother happy” that’s alot for a 8 year old to take on, which contributed to my continuing lack of self care from that point on, trying to keep my mom happy and my dad calm was a very exhausting task. Ive worked through alot of my childhood coping mechanisms, but still find it popping up especially with women, which tends to trigger my “scared little boy” tactics to obtain love and safety. I’ve noticed Mindfulness almost always goes out the window whenever sexual energy is involved with me, yet other relationships in my life I’m able to very aware.
Inky thank you for your response. I’ve definitely noticed an increase in interracial relationships here in the midsouth where I live, and very many of my family members have been in interracial relationships. I know it’s certainly a possibility. I guess what struck me is how I still harbor feelings of inadequacy, I feel as if I don’t really measure up to other men, as if I’m undesirable although I’m pretty confident that I’m probably what alot of women want/need in that I understand healthy relationships require vulnerability, and self care. Honestly some days I just wish I could flick a switch and turn off my desire for women because I find myself depending on it too much for my happiness.March 16, 2017 at 7:44 am #139771AnonymousGuest
A terrible role to inflict on a child: to make one’s mother happy. It is the natural inclination of a child to take responsibility for a parent’s well being. To be given that instruction cemented that inclination, seems to me.
Regarding Mindfulness and sexual energy, this ineffective combination you mentioned: I think it may be because Mindfulness requires calm and sexual energy is not calm, it is excitement, a rush- therefore it requires extra-mindfulness, extra slowing down.
It is probably a good choice on your part to abstain from sexual relationships for the rest of the year, one month at a time, that is. Let’s say you get together with a woman friend and hold her hand-
this would be an opportunity for you to practice that extra-slowing-down, that extra-mindfulness. Notice how her hand feels in yours. Notice the thoughts in your head, rushing maybe. Notice your emotion, those sexual feelings rushing, pay attention and breathe deeply, slowly. When it gets too much, remove your hand from hers, distract yourself. (It will need to be a woman who will understand what you are doing, that is, not one to pursue you sexually, so to make this extra-mindfulness practice possible for you).
anitaMarch 16, 2017 at 3:56 pm #139883
Anita -That sounds like a very good practice for me, I would like to wait longer before having sex in my next relationship anyway, as the addict/escapist in me is always looking for opportunities to present itself.
Thanks again for your responses if anyone has any thoughts on feeling deserving of love it would be appreciated. Though I have made a lot of progress in my self esteem and confidence, I had an experience last week that shook me and made me realize I still don’t quite feel worthy of love. One of my clients called me up to thank me for the work I had done for him through my job as a social worker (as it is my last month at said job) and to wish me well in my future. After I got off the phone I shut my office door and wept for a while, I had never experienced anything like that before, and felt as if I didn’t deserve any thanks (or love) for the work i had done, because I don’t do it for the thank you’s or to feel needed. I had a similar experience later that day when I dozed off in class and a class mate asked me if I was doing okay, hows life etc. I always felt as if its my job to care for others and it really threw me off when people who don’t have to, show concern for me. I’m not quite sure why I still don’t feel deserving of love even though I always preach that all people are deserving of love. I guess i’m trying to figure out what function this feeling has.
March 16, 2017 at 8:12 pm #139981AnonymousGuest
- This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by noname.
The way to FEEL deserving of love is, says I, “inner child work”- to let the very young you know that you know he is hurting, that you know he was hurt and there was no one there to help him, that you are here for him now. Visualize talking to him tenderly, drying his tears, taking him into your arms and hugging hm. Etc.
anitaMarch 17, 2017 at 5:51 am #140015Jerry JacobParticipant
First you care as much about yourself as you do for others,maintain your boundaries,Do what you need to do to be you.Yet loving yourself is essential to your personal growth, to the fulfillment of your dream and to developing healthy, happy relationships with others.March 17, 2017 at 7:30 am #140041
Thank you Anita and Jerry, very sound suggestions. I think alot of this feeling goes back to caring for others as a child. I still have 2 years of school left before I actually start practicing therapy and I’m working hard to learn how to give myself what I need before then, I think truly feeling self love is essential before doing this type of work for a living. Thanks again!March 17, 2017 at 7:43 am #140045AnonymousGuest
You are welcome, Rich. Post again anytime.