November 30, 2019 at 1:49 pm #325365
This summer, I was in love. For 4 months I believed i found the ideal partner. We had a community together, art, music, comfort, kindness. I have been anti-depressants since I had known him and was the best I have ever been. No episodes. No issues. But I told him of my history. He had the persona of being the kindest friend to all. He had many female friends, I trusted him whole-heartedly. I gave a lot of my time, money, emotional energy, all to him. I loved fiercely and selflessly, all the while taking excellent care of my own mental status.
2 weeks ago I called him to plan our day. He was sobbing. Told me he was in a bad place mentally having a breakdown, and he wasn’t treating me ow I deserved to be treated and that he could not be in a relationship with anyone for a longtime. He needed help. I said, “Do not worry about me. Consider us friends, not in a romantic relationship.” I did not want to be a stress in his life, even directed him to an immediate counseling service. We talked everyday after, he said he missed me, wished he could’ve handled being in a relationship. And asked me to not disappear. I didn’t I was there to help as a friend. He was diagnosed (supposedly) with CPTSD and I have bipolar. I told him it was good we weren’t together romantically because though I didn’t have any issues, there was the potential our disorders could negatively impact each other.
He assured me–he could not be involved romantically with anyone for a longtime–it wasn’t me. Losing the romantic relationship didn’t hurt that bad. I was cool to move on and be a friend. Only for me to find out (from a friend seeing it on another friends social media) that he had been dating a girl he met at school a few months earlier. A girl he would leave me to do homework with, told me not to worry about. And I was happy he made a friend. Was never jealous. He said I awoken a romantic side in him he though he lost. Then he did this. He retroactively blamed my mental health for ending things, that he though he was going down a self-destructive path, though I had no issues since I knew him. I was nurturing–he wanted a scapegoat. I don’t know how to trust now. I am broken. Getting broken up with is one thing, to find out this person deceived me for months and a person and a time I thought was kind, lovely, and pure–was a sham.
I don’t know how to not blame myself, or let go of the fantasy. I don’t know how to trust. I was fooled and lost not only a person I thought was so kind and good, but a time I thought was so kind and good. Any suggestions?November 30, 2019 at 2:08 pm #325381
First, my summary of what you shared: you had a four month relationship with a young man whom you trusted whole heartedly, and loved fiercely. You have been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder before meeting him but have been on anti-depressants and doing fine throughout those four months.
Two weeks ago he called you sobbing, telling you that he was suffering from a mental breakdown (later he told you that he was diagnosed with Complex PTSD) and “could not be involved romantically with anyone for a long time”. You soon after found out that he was dating another girl a few months by that point. Later he retroactively blamed your mental health for the ending the relationship with you.
“I don’t know how to not blame myself”-
– I don’t understand: what is it that you blame yourself for? I mean, you stated that your mental health during those four months was fine, that you were medicated successfully, that you loved him selflessly, that you were supportive all through.. what could it possibly be that you did wrong?
anitaNovember 30, 2019 at 3:54 pm #325393
Thank you for replying. I don’t know how long he was with her. But I know immediately after he ended things he was in an official relationship with her. I don’t know how to not blame myself bc it he left and betrayed me, I must have done something, or not seen something. I dont know how another could be so deceptive, when they acted so kind and pure and said they would never do what they did…but were being dishonest all along 🙁
It is rough. Your reply helps !November 30, 2019 at 3:57 pm #325395
I don’t know what to do to feel okay. I don’t know how I can trust. And I can’t seem to let go of the attachment of the idea that he was a beautiful, kind soul that would never hurt me. I would almost rather be wrong than accept that who he was, wasnt realNovember 30, 2019 at 4:29 pm #325403
Betrayal is a terrible thing to experience. When you are betrayed by a person you trust, it hurts terribly. Unfortunately, I don’t think there is a person on the face of the earth who was not betrayed. Often we, as children, get betrayed by one or two of our parents, the people we trusted most in the world, the people we never imagined would betray us.
Don’t worry about how to trust a future man in your life. When you meet someone new, get to know him over time and base your trust in him on the evidence you gather.
“he left and betrayed me, I must have done something, or not seen something”. I mentioned children being betrayed by any one of their parents. A child never does anything to deserve betrayal. But often, a child hasn’t “seen something”, that is, a child sees her parents as gods, perfect, not as flawed or bad people.
I hope you feel better soon. Post again anytime. I will be away from the computer and back in about 14 hours from now.
December 1, 2019 at 5:58 am #325449InkyParticipant
- This reply was modified 7 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.
People don’t like to be the bad guy. He hid the other girl from you because he’s a “good guy” and didn’t want to hurt you. He had a breakdown/”breakdown” and used that as an excuse to breakup with you because he’s a “good guy” and didn’t want to hurt you.
When you found out about the girl he panicked and clumsily blamed your mental illness (even though you were fine at the time). That’s not the real reason. It’s not you. It’s him. A lot of people are players. But they don’t want to hurt people because they can’t handle the fall out, not because they are “good”.
Next relationship, hold a little back. No money, a little less time, a little less energy, a little less information. This is not withholding. This is sussing out who a person really is over time. Then you are LESS likely to be betrayed this way. (But it can still happen).
InkyDecember 1, 2019 at 9:24 am #325465
Thank you so much. That helped me so much! Do you have any recommendations for not blaming yourself? Not feeling like it was you that was deficient in some way?
DelaniDecember 2, 2019 at 6:28 am #325581InkyParticipant
Time is the great healer. Time is also the great revealer. You might learn over the years that his new girlfriend dumped him (or never really thought he was a boyfriend), he became a booze hound, and/or drops out of school, etc. You will probably find out a number of things that make him merely human and in no way could judge/dump YOU. As in if people hear that he judged/dumped YOU they won’t believe it.
Of course another trick is to date someone more attractive/winning and look at him with compassion at his bad decision.
InkyDecember 5, 2019 at 5:29 pm #326219
My ex blocked myself and all my friends from every form of contact. I have not been talking to him since I told him he had wronged me in a clear/concise manner and that saying you are a “nice” person and being one through your actions are two very different things. I told him this about a week ago. he always said he never wanted me to disappear and missed me since we broke up, even when he was with the other girl. He had a girl, supposedly (im not so sure now!) harassing him and wouldnt even block her. When I called him on his actions and refused to accept his weak defenses, he just blocked me, my friends, anything to do with me. He also sent back the shirt I got him–which hurt. Why not just through them away! I didnt want to talk to him. But part of me hoped in months I would overcome it, and genuinely wish him well. OR maybe (never hold out hope for this) but he would acknowledge and apologize for how he treated me.
I’d like to think things won’t go well for him, as immature as that is. I know there is no karma, and as far as he’s concerned he did nothing wrong. I had a gf leave me a few years ago for a similar reason. Waited for someone else then left. Now they are happily married. More comparable than we ever were.
My mental health has really took a turn–it bothers me. It bothers me bc it justifies his reason to leave me. Now I am in a depression and a mess. He said he left bc he was going down an unhealthy path–now I feel I am.December 5, 2019 at 6:08 pm #326231
I cannot break my conception that he is a nice pure guy. He treated me that way in person. Though his texts were cold. Idk why my brain cant let that go. He is so pure and amazing in my head still. So kind, no one will compare. And it feels like I am just blaming myself. It had to be me. He left. He chose her, and he knew me well. He chose her.December 6, 2019 at 6:00 am #326293
If you want, we can look closer at what happened. First, I wonder how old you and this man are, about what age, if you don’t want to be specific (late teens, early twenties, late twenties..)?
Also, you wrote in your original post: “I loved fiercely and selflessly”- what does this specifically mean, what did you specifically do that was fierce and selfless (I don’t need all the details, of course)?
anitaDecember 7, 2019 at 12:50 am #326395
I am 24. He is 25. I have a masters and teach english. He saved enough to go back to school for a degree in Computer Science. I showed him around campus, all the logistical things at my uni, helped him with his resume and getting internships. I taught him how to get healthcare to fix his broken arm, cooked and meal prepped for him every week bc he did not have a lot of money. I tried to be my best and help him. he always called me his angel bc I did my best to help and care for him always. I know that sounds a little delusional. BUt this was my first time being giving and trying to put another’s needs ahead of my own. I would have done anything to help him, even just as friends..until I found out about the other girl and he blamed my mental illness for leaving me. I was balanced. welcomed into my community with warm friends, joy, music, laughter, and light. He always said if we ever broke up he wouldnt be in a relationship for a long time, bc I awoken something in him he thought he lost. He thought he did not need romantic relationships.
I was truly blindsided. All of my friends and family felt shocked and betrayed after they found out what he did as well bc he behaved so loving and kind towards me. It was the first relationship that I was in that I trusted and openly displayed that trust and caring attitude in my actions.December 7, 2019 at 9:22 am #326445
You are 24, You have a master degree and you teach English. You were diagnosed with a bi-polar disorder, but have been stable for a while (“No episodes. No issues”), on anti depressants, when this past summer you met a man, 25 who applied to the university you graduated from, planning to get a degree in computer science. You showed him around the campus, “helped him with his resume and getting internships”. He suffered a broken arm and you helped him get healthcare. You cooked for him every week, saved him money that way. “I did my best to help and care for him always”. He appreciated your help and called you “his angel”. He told you that you “awoke something in him he thought he lost”, that he “thought he did not need romantic relationships” before meeting you, and “He always said if we ever broke up he wouldn’t be in a relationship for a long time”.
You wrote, “this was my first time being giving and trying to put another’s needs ahead of my own. I would have done anything to help him, even just as friends”, that “It was the first relationship that I was in that I trusted and openly displayed that trust and caring attitude in my actions”, that “he behaved so loving and kind toward me”, that you were “balanced, welcomed into my community with warm friends, joy, music, laughter and light”. “We had a community together, art music, comfort, kindness”.
This relationship started in July 2019. About mid November, four months into this relationship, you called him “to plan our day”. “He was sobbing”, told you that he “was in a bad place mentally having a breakdown.. and that he could not be in a relationship with anyone for a long time”. You told him not to worry, that the two of you can be friends instead or being in a romantic relationship, and you “directed him to an immediate counseling service”.
Very soon afterwards, he told you that he was diagnosed with CPTSD (Complex PTSD). You were friends for less than a couple of weeks when you found out that he was communicating with a young woman that he did homework with (“A girl he would leave me to do homework with, told me not to worry about”). When you brought it up to him, he “retroactively blamed my mental health for ending things”. You told him that he wronged you “in a clear/ concise manner”, that he is not the nice person in action, “called him on his actions and refused to accept his weak defenses”. Next, he “blocked myself and all my friends from every form of contact”, and sent back to you a shirt that you gave him as a gift.
You wrote, “this person deceived me for months… I don’t know how long he was with her… immediately after he ended things he was in an official relationship with her”. Next, your “mental health has really taken a turn.. I am in a depression and a mess”.
My understanding today: you wrote about this 25 year old man who has been in your life for four months: “(he) acted so kind and pure.. he was a beautiful, kind soul.. a nice pure guy.. so pure and amazing.. So kind, no one will compare”- well, he wasn’t pure. But then, no man is pure, and no woman is pure. If he was in a romantic relationship with another woman while in more-than-friends relationship with you, then he did deceive you. Deception is impurity. As you proceed in life, better you give up on the incorrect idea that he was pure, or that any man is or can be pure. I don’t meant that you should expect and accept a man to cheat on you, but you can expect a man, for example, to consider cheating on you, to have those thoughts.
And you were not pure either, although you presented yourself in the context of this relationship as pure, perfectly selfless and loving. For example, you presented yourself as not at all jealous of the fact that he had many female friends, but then you wrote about the young woman he did homework with: “A girl he would leave me to do homework with, told me not to worry about“- he told you not to worry about it because you did express to him some worry about her/ other female friends of his, didn’t you?
You wrote: “He assured me– he could not be involved romantically with anyone for a long time”- he assured you because you asked him for that assurance, maybe repeatedly and urgently, did you?
So you see, it is not true that you “trusted him whole-heartedly” and that you were “never jealous” of his associations with female friends.
Here are possibilities and I have no information to know if these are beyond possibilities: that you told him how much you do for him, how much you invest in him, guilt- tripping him; that you unfairly controlled him, feeling that you have the right to do so because you did so much for him; maybe you raged at him when you “called him on his actions and refused to accept his weak defenses”.
I don’t know these things. What I do know is that he was not pure and neither were you. Better not assume any adult you ever meet is pure, and better not present yourself as such. Be honest with yourself and with others, and expect the people you do choose to associate with, to be honest with you. We are humans, not saints. And don’t give more than you are able and willing to give.
anitaDecember 7, 2019 at 3:20 pm #326471
Thank you anita! True I wasn;’t perfect! And i do not regret anything I did. I suppose it just hurt worse bc I thought I did my best! I really wasnt jealous. And I do not want to carry trust issues into my future relationships. I never guilted him. the only time I have mentioned or listed the things I did for him was in this forum bc you asked. I did those things bc I wanted to. I did not want to control him, but I see how you could get that read on that. In the end, it is an issue of control with me. Someone can leave your for any reason, anytime. It is as simple as: he started seeing her and no longer wanted to see me. She was better for him. I wasnt. It just hurts.
There are no guarantees.December 8, 2019 at 5:55 am #326537
You are welcome.
It seems that you are clear about what happened: “it is as simple as: he started seeing her and no longer wanted to see me”. But it doesn’t mean that “She was better”, just that he wanted something different. he called you his angel, as good as an angel is, maybe he wanted a non-angel. (notice I wrote maybe, not stating it is so, but that it is possible, just as I didn’t suggest it is so that you guilt-tripped him, instead I suggested it as a possibility)
It is true, “There are no guarantees”, but you can maximize your chances to make something happen that you want to happen by making thoughtful choices, within a relationship and outside one, you pay attention to what works and what doesn’t.