Dear ZoeyD:

Betrayal is a terrible thing to experience. When you are betrayed by a person you trust, it hurts terribly. Unfortunately, I don’t think there is a person on the face of the earth who was not betrayed. Often we, as children, get betrayed by one or two of our parents, the people we trusted most in the world, the people we never imagined would  betray us.

Don’t worry about how to trust a future man in your life. When you meet someone new, get to know him over time and base your trust in him on the evidence you  gather.

“he left and betrayed me, I must have done something, or not seen something”. I mentioned children being betrayed by any one of their parents. A child never does anything to deserve betrayal. But often, a child hasn’t “seen something”, that is, a child sees her parents as gods, perfect, not as flawed or bad people.

I hope you feel better soon. Post again anytime. I will be away from the computer and back in about 14 hours from now.

anita

Dear ZoeyD:

If you want, we can look closer at what happened. First, I wonder how old you and this man are, about what age, if you don’t want to be specific (late teens, early twenties, late twenties..)?

Also, you wrote in your original post: “I loved fiercely and selflessly”- what does this specifically mean, what did you specifically do that was fierce and selfless (I don’t need all the details, of course)?

anita

Dear ZoeyD:

You are 24, You have a master degree and you teach English. You were diagnosed with a bi-polar disorder, but have been stable for a while (“No episodes. No issues”), on anti depressants, when this past summer you met a man, 25 who applied to the university you graduated from, planning to get a degree in computer science. You showed him around the campus, “helped him with his resume and getting internships”. He suffered a broken arm and you helped him get healthcare. You cooked for him every week, saved him money that way. “I did my best to help and care for him always”. He appreciated your help and called you “his angel”. He told you that you “awoke something in him he thought he lost”, that he “thought he did not need romantic relationships” before meeting you, and “He always said if we ever broke up he wouldn’t be in a relationship for a long time”.

You wrote, “this was my first time being giving and trying to put another’s needs ahead of my own. I would have done anything to help him, even just as friends”, that “It was the first relationship that I was in that I trusted and openly displayed that trust and caring attitude in my actions”, that “he behaved so loving and kind toward me”, that you were “balanced, welcomed into my community with warm friends, joy, music, laughter and light”. “We had a community together, art music, comfort, kindness”.

This relationship started in July 2019. About mid November, four months into this relationship, you called him “to plan our day”. “He was sobbing”, told you that he “was in a bad place mentally having a breakdown.. and that he could not be in a relationship with anyone for a long time”. You told him not to worry, that the two of you can be friends instead or being in a romantic relationship, and you “directed him to an immediate counseling service”.

Very soon afterwards, he told you that he was diagnosed with CPTSD (Complex PTSD). You were friends for less than a couple of weeks when you found out that he was communicating with a young woman that he did homework with (“A girl he would leave me to  do  homework with, told me not to worry about”). When you brought it up to him, he “retroactively blamed my mental health for ending things”. You told him that he wronged you “in a clear/ concise manner”, that he is not the nice person in action, “called him on his actions and refused to accept his weak defenses”. Next, he  “blocked myself and all my friends from every form of contact”, and sent back to you a shirt that you gave him as a gift.

You wrote, “this person deceived me for months…  I don’t know how long he was with her… immediately after he ended things he was in an official relationship with her”. Next, your “mental health has really taken a turn.. I am in a depression and a mess”.

My understanding today: you wrote about this 25 year old man who has been in your life for four months: “(he) acted so kind and pure.. he was a beautiful, kind soul.. a nice pure guy.. so pure and amazing.. So kind, no one will compare”- well, he wasn’t pure. But then, no man is pure, and no woman is pure. If he was in a romantic relationship with another woman while in more-than-friends relationship with you, then he did deceive you. Deception is impurity. As you proceed in life, better you give up on the incorrect idea that he was pure, or that any man is or can be pure. I don’t meant that you should expect and accept a man to cheat on you, but you can expect a man, for example, to consider cheating on you, to have those thoughts.

And you were not pure either, although you presented yourself in the context of this relationship as pure, perfectly selfless and loving. For example, you presented yourself as not at all jealous of the fact that he had many female friends, but then you wrote about the young woman he did homework with: “A girl he would leave me to do homework with, told me not to worry about“- he told you not to worry about it because you did express to him some worry about her/ other female friends of his, didn’t you?

You wrote: “He assured me– he could not be involved romantically with anyone for a long time”- he assured you because you asked him for that assurance, maybe repeatedly and urgently, did you?

So you see, it is not true that you “trusted him whole-heartedly” and that you were “never jealous” of his associations with female friends.

Here are possibilities and I have no information to know if these are beyond possibilities: that you told him how much you do for him, how much you invest in him, guilt- tripping him; that you unfairly controlled him, feeling that you have the right to do so because you did so much for him; maybe you raged at him when you “called him on his actions and refused to accept his weak defenses”.

I don’t know these things. What I do know is that he was not pure and neither were you. Better not assume any adult you ever meet is pure, and better not present yourself as such. Be honest with yourself and with others, and expect the people you do choose to associate with, to be honest with you. We are humans, not saints. And don’t give more than you are able and willing to give.

anita

Dear ZoeyD:

You are welcome.

It seems that you are clear about what happened: “it is as simple as: he started seeing her and no longer wanted to see me”. But it doesn’t mean that “She was better”, just that he wanted something different. he called you his angel, as good as an angel is, maybe he wanted a non-angel. (notice I wrote maybe, not stating it is so, but that it is possible, just as I didn’t suggest it is so that you guilt-tripped him, instead I suggested it as a possibility)

It is true, “There are no guarantees”, but you can maximize your chances to make something happen that you want to happen by making thoughtful choices, within a relationship and outside one, you pay attention to what works and what doesn’t.

anita