Maybe i’ll skip the poem/note…might send mixed signals and she may feel awkward. Just the mug and the honey, then if she says “why honey?” i’ll say it’s from the bee’s on the mug. Doubt i’ll go for coffee with her, she’s got better things to do then hang out with me 1 on 1, don’t wanna take her time away. She wont care, not like we are dating. Those 2 coffee hangouts back in Sept and that dinner we had was good enough, I really don’t want to be broken in half.

By that I mean the more i’ll hang out with her the more i’ll just continue to like her, the more i’ll like her the more depressed i’ll get and keep realizing how much of a POS I am and feel. Yeah she already she has ate wheat several times lately and her tummy was not feeling too good after.

Since I deleted everyone off my facebook and decided to deactivate my FB in October I decided to start my own secret FB with no friends on it, just write down my sad pathetic feelings with only me looking at it since everyday I feel the same..no end in sight! just the same feelings everyday, like I am from the movie groundhog day. I just want to drink and forget! i’m seriously thinking of getting back into drinking heavily again, even if she urges me not to.

I feel like i’m THIS close to having another mental breakdown…everyday is the same! Might just hit up the liquor store soon.

Man, it’s been over a week since she’s text me! This is officially now the longest she’s gone not texting me since we started texting. Looking back at our text the last time she sent me a text out of the blue because she wanted to talk to me was early October when I donated all that money to save someones life. Anytime she texts me it’s because I have text her, bringing people to her work and she wants to know how many so she can reserve a table, because we made plans and are talking about them. Why can’t she text me because she just wants to? “Hey Pat, I was thinking of you, and wanted to say hi” or something. SOMETHING that does not have me force her to text me first. yeah she’s busy working, I am busy working too…I still make time to text her and say hi on my own! It sucks but I have told myself i’m not going to text her until she WANTS to text me on her own. I know texting is not the only thing about friendship, but it’s important for staying in touch…if she does not message me all month then i’ll know we are not even friends lol. Seriously..how hard is it to say “Hey, how you doing?” how hard is it? I want to feel wanted too… -.- Pretty sure if I did not message her after that time we hung out at a buddies gig early November i’d still not have a text from her if I did not text her, I guess we will see. If she has time to text me back, she has time to text me because she wants to.

Rant over.

What if she just says she’s busy working? I mean I work a lot too and I still initiate the texts lol. I wont be emotional, we never have awkward moments in RL even with my feelings for her unless I dunno what to say to her. If she does not text me for another week i’ll ask her. I’m about to go for a walk, i’m about to freak out because i’m stressed about a bunch of things not even related to her, but seeing no text just made me feel like ranting. I mean I been reading what this could mean on the internet, which is why i’m staying silent as I was reading to try this out. But she still wants to have a coffee asap? yet she does not bother texting me unless I text her or make the plans, or bring people to her work so she can feel like people want to see her and so she can keep in touch with them aswell. Something fishy feels like it’s going on, something HAS felt fishy since that night at the night club at the buddies gig where I walked her to her car. Just something feels off, maybe she’s tired of thinking of my problems and wants to fade away? I dunno. Don’t think i’ll ever know the problem tbh. That long text convo I posted a few pages ago might have been the last straw. Most of the coffees and the Dinner has been all her though, I’ve only asked her for coffee 1 time, that was the time we walked along the rocks and said it was a great or good day on our facebooks. Early Sept.

I don’t ask because everytime I ask people these things they always freak out, so now I’ve come to force myself for a long time to not ask because I know how it will go for me, and it just makes me look like a whiner. It’s funny how you use the word information like that, she does the exact same thing and is all about not holding back your feelings because it’s healthy. Pretty sure you would love her if you met her lol.