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Letting go of my home

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  • #381491
    DIANE
    Participant

    18 years ago we took on the renovation of an old home very much in need of TLC.  I spent many, many hours investing blood, sweat and tears into bringing this place back to life.  It is apparent however that I must move on and let go as in the long run my partner and I will struggle with upkeep and the financial needs of maintaining this home.  I am so sad – I feel like I am grieving the loss of a very dear friend.  I believe that this project of bringing back to life something broken and unwanted has greater meaning that I need to understand further.  I do however feel badly that I invested so much of my life into an inanimate object that is now bringing be to my very knees.  How does one navigate this loss and let go.  Any input or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated.

    #381501
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Diane,

    I know people who invested a lot of time and effort in renovating old sailboats, or old cars… I know someone who had a very strong attachment to his old car, and couldn’t make himself to sell it for a long time (even though it was already a liability and hardly ever used) – because of an emotional attachment. They expected much more joy and satisfaction from the car, but it was a disappointment because it wasn’t working properly and would require constant repairs.

    You say you invested a lot of time and blood, sweat and tears into renovating this old home. Did you get to enjoy it too? Did you enjoy the result of your hard work or there was always something to fix and worry about, which kind of clouded the joy? What’s the overall experience of those 18 years?

     

    #381505
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Diane

    I’ve always like the 2001 Movie Life as a House. 

    I always thought of myself as a house. I was always what I lived in. It didn’t need to be big. It didn’t even need to be beautiful. It just needed to be mine. I became what I was meant to be. I built myself a life. I built myself a house. – Life as a House

    As a metaphor I’ve wondered if this isn’t something we subconsciously  do. Through the years I’ve notice that most of the people I know doing renovations would end up leaving something undone, something that would always bother them, that they would get to… Then when they finally addressed it they ended up selling a  few months latter. I’m not sure if that says anything about human nature or not.

    I think that when we grieve such a change after putting so much work in it we are also grieving a imagined future that can not be. All the work you put in for this imagined future feels like regret but nothing we do or learn is lost even if we must move on.

    A part of you seems to be aware that the renovation wasn’t just about  bringing the house back to life. If this house was interpreted as if it were a dream… What associations come to mind when you think of House? What feelings do you connect to when you look at your work you completed? Which room ‘talks’ to you the most? How are you like this House? It might be worth while to examine it.

    As for regret…

    It is easy to mourn the lives we aren’t living.
    Easy to wish we’d developed other other talents, said yes to different offers.
    Easy to wish we’d worked harder, loved better, handled our finances more astutely, been more popular, stayed in the band, gone to Australia, said yes to the coffee or done more bloody yoga.
    It takes no effort to miss the friends we didn’t make and the work we didn’t do the people we didn’t marry and the children we didn’t have.
    It is not difficult to see yourself through the lens of other people, and to wish you were all the different kaleidoscopic versions of you they wanted you to be.
    It is easy to regret, and keep regretting, ad infinitum, until our time runs out.

    But it is not lives we regret not living that are the real problem. It is the regret itself. It’s the regret that makes us shrivel and wither and feel like our own and other people’s worst enemy.
    We can’t tell if any of those other versions would of been better or worse. Those lives are happening, it is true, but you are happening as well, and that is the happening we have to focus on.”
    ― Matt Haig, The Midnight Library

    A ‘house’ it seems is always a work in progress.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Peter.
    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Peter.
    #381510
    anita
    Participant

    Dear DIANE:

    “18 years ago we took on the renovation of an old home very much in need of TLC.  I spent many, many hours investing blood, sweat and tears into bringing this place back to life…I believe that this project of bringing back to life something broken and unwanted has greater meaning that I need to understand further”-

    – Maybe the old, broken and unwanted home represents to you a person:  maybe it represents you, past or present. Maybe it represents one of your parents as you observed her/him when you were a child, seeing her brokenness, her great need for love, you tried hard, yet nothing you did fixed what was broken, none of your blood, sweat and tears made her feel loved.

    Maybe the old, broken and unwanted home represents your childhood home, or just your childhood.. a childhood you wish you could fix, redo, and re-live differently (?)

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.
    #381575
    DIANE
    Participant

    Thanks for the kind words.  I feel there is a lot to navigate and the feedback from all of you had helped me tremendously. I didn’t cry today which was a relief.  Lets see what tomorrow will bring. I’m packing up so that a video can be made so the broker can begin the process of selling. As I was packing up, weeding through “the stuff” I felt a bit lighter. I’m scared, sad, heartbroken and fearful of what lies ahead. I will keep you posted. I really appreciate you all taking the time to connect with me.

     

     

     

     

    #381578
    anita
    Participant

    Dear DIANE:

    You are welcome. I hope that you will feel better soon, less fearful of what lies ahead, and no longer heartbroken. I’m looking forward to your next post.

    anita

    #381582
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Diane,

    you’re welcome. I am glad you felt a little bit lighter while packing up. I also understand it’s a big change for you, and you feel scared of what lies ahead. Do you have a new place picked? Please post whenever you feel the need, I’d love to read more about your journey.

    #381619
    DIANE
    Participant

    I continued to pack today following the list given to me by the broker to deconstruct my life, I mean home, so that a video can be made to decrease distraction. I only cried once today. I worked, packed, watched Pose and now I am going to sleep. Will Keep you in posted

     

    #381620
    anita
    Participant

    Dear DIANE:

    Congratulations for packing today. I hope you have a restful night.

    anita

    #381626
    Anonymous
    Inactive
      <li style=”text-align: left;”>My friend..

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>All suffering is the effect from attachments to the appearance of the life.</p>
     
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Emotions attachments to objects outside of us. If something begins, means it must end. That is the basic law in the life. End this time or that time is equal.</p>
     

    Try to see from another corner. That is the situation is your cause and effect.

    On the time each person must ready to give up everything when the death appears.

    Did you think your house will cry for you if you are suddenly not here?

    If something is outside you, means it’s not you.

    Its not the house that you must give up. It’s the attachment to how you imagined things would be.

    Do not waste your time suffering over objects.

    Everything in this life is a temporary condition.

    You never have what you think you have. What you keep, keeps you!

    You must face to face with everything that is or is not in your life. You can not know what trouble may or may not of come from keeping your house. If you can put down your emotional attachments with the object and stop grasping in the past or an imagined future. You will see that the life always moves and changes.

    Something ends means something begins.

    Must courage to let go. Ready with the movement of the Life.

    Otherwise lost time. Waste time. And can not see clearly the new possibilities that will appear.

    Sits OK. No Keep = free.

    Keep going. Everything will take place.

     

     

     

     

     
    <p style=”text-align: center;”></p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”></p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”></p>

    #381625
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>My friend..</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>All suffering is the effect from attachments to the appearance of the life.</p>
     
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Emotions attachments to objects outside of us. If something begins, means it must end. That is the basic law in the life. End this time or that time is equal.</p>
     

    Try to see from another corner. That is the situation is your cause and effect.

    On the time each person must ready to give up everything when the death appears.

    Did you think your house will cry for you if you are suddenly not here?

    If something is outside you, means it’s not you.

    Its not the house that you must give up. It’s the attachment to how you imagined things would be.

    Do not waste your time suffering over objects.

    Everything in this life is a temporary condition.

    You never have what you think you have. What you keep, keeps you!

    You must face to face with everything that is or is not in your life. You can not know what trouble may or may not of come from keeping your house. If you can put down your emotional attachments with the object and stop grasping in the past or an imagined future. You will see that the life always moves and changes.

    Something ends means something begins.

    Must courage to let go. Ready with the movement of the Life.

    Otherwise lost time. Waste time. And can not see clearly the new possibilities that will appear.

    Sits OK. No Keep = free.

    Keep going. Everything will take place.

     

     

     

     

     
    <p style=”text-align: center;”></p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”></p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”></p>

    #381687
    DIANE
    Participant

    Thank you again all of you. Wind your words resonated with me so deeply.  I feel stronger everyday and understand my thoughts, feelings and beliefs about the house come from a deeper place. A holding on place, fear of dying place, a respect for my aunt and for the original owner who built the place in 1850. I understand I have nothing really in this life and the place has kept me as I desired. Time to move through time. Again, appreciate your kindness. I will keep you posted.

    #381688
    anita
    Participant

    Dear DIANE:

    You are welcome.

    “I feel stronger everyday and understand my thoughts, feelings and beliefs about the house come from a deeper place”- can you share a bit about your beliefs in regard to the house and otherwise, in regard to life?

    anita

     

    #381882
    DIANE
    Participant

    Yes. I can.

    – Maybe the old, broken and unwanted home represents to you a person:  maybe it represents you, past or present. Maybe it represents one of your parents as you observed her/him when you were a child, seeing her brokenness, her great need for love, you tried hard, yet nothing you did fixed what was broken, none of your blood, sweat and tears made her feel loved.

    Maybe the old, broken and unwanted home represents your childhood home, or just your childhood.. a childhood you wish you could fix, redo, and re-live differently (?)

    You hit the nail on the head.  My mother and those others I have and continue to serve. I have spent basically my entire life trying to overcome pain in one form or another.  I dedicated my professional life to social work – running a foster care agency and my practice as a therapist working with police, first responders, firefighters.  I sunk my heart and soul into the house as you stated so eloquently in the spirit of not only the past with my mother but to create life after listening to countless hours of the pain and trauma of others.  Time to move on.

    #381884
    anita
    Participant

    Dear DIANE:

    Although I am not a direct recipient of your life work: running a foster care agency and providing therapy to police, first responders and fire fighters (and probably more), I thank you for for helping people in need. You have made the world a better place.

    You didn’t share anything about your mother (and that’s okay), but it seems like, maybe, you “spent many, many hours investing blood, sweat and tears into” her, trying to help her, investing in her with no return on your investment.

    Maybe the sadness and grieving (“I am so sad.. I am grieving the loss”)  is about the loss of the hope to ever receive a return on your investment of blood, sweat and tears in your mother. When we lose hope for achieving the impossible- there is a relief, a sense of freedom from the compulsion to chase what keeps escaping us.

    anita

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