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Letting go of the past

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  • #121464
    Chris
    Participant

    Hello all.

    As the title suggests, I need to let go of my past. I’ve had things done to me and done things to others. For years (lots of years) I have let these things define me. I have considered myself a monster fit only to be punished by the most ruthless judge: Myself. I have engaged in a decades long campaign of self-hatred and punishment. I have sabotaged relationships (look at the pain you cause!) I have abandoned children (they are better off without you in their life. Without you they have a chance to not be corrupted by you). At one point, I had what my therapists called a fugue episode. I disappeared from my family and showed up about a week later in the mental ward of a hospital in Idaho. I still don’t recall all that happened that week. For a while I felt like I had lost control of my emotions. I felt everything. I wasn’t just happy, I was giddy. I wasn’t just sad I was sobbing uncontrollably for up to a couple hours. I wasn’t just angry, I raged. Anxiety became crippling a few times. I went on meds to take the edge off that just so I could function. I lived in fear all the time. Fear of the monster I was, fear that I would lose what tenuous control I had and really hurt someone. I showed myself horrible images of myself doing horrible things (this is what you are). I call that part of me the fanatic. Its quite good at punishment and blame.

    After a few years of therapy I am off the medications. My head is clear, mostly. I no longer believe that I am a monster in human form and I am tired of hating myself. Tired of letting the choices of a 14 year old rule me. I know the person I want to be. I know that I am not that monster at heart. I started out wanting to “fix” myself. I wanted to be normal. To see things as other people see them. I realized recently that that is not possible. I DO see the world differently and I always will. Things that are important to others are petty and ridiculous to me. I am not trying to “fix” myself anymore. But I do want to find peace. To that end I have been searching for how to let go of my past. To accept that these things happened, but they do not get to define me anymore. I’ve heard from my therapists (yeah, multiple. LOL) that “You just need to let these things go.” Only one tiny little problem with that. How? How do you let go of something you’ve held onto for so long, so tightly that you can’t even begin to understand HOW to let it go. “You just do it.” Whatever. In my case it really is like teaching a child how to tie their shoes by saying “You just tie them.”

    I have this knot inside. I’ve held onto it my entire life. I’ve held it so tightly that I no longer know how to relax the death grip if you will. I’ve spent an enormous amount of time studying this, analyzing myself. Why I do the things I do. Who it hurts. How to NOT be that person. I know that to find peace I have to let this go. In order to accept myself I have to find a way. I know all the steps but one: How to actually let that knot go. The counselors were not able to help there. They deal in abstracts. I’ve never really gotten abstracts. I need something more concrete. (I’m not suggesting I am on the spectrum, but its something similar)

    I have reached the point that I am looking to the spiritual for help. But I’m not sure the folks at my mom’s church are really going to be much better than the therapists. I have nothing to lose by trying.

    I am here, because I chanced upon an article that talked about making a physical representation of your past. It was a new idea, one that I will be trying out, and I thought I’d see if any of you could help with this. I will give a couple warnings, though:

    1) I am both a very honest person and very blunt. If you do not truly want to know the answer, don’t ask me the question. (Many people say they want truth, but it has been my experience that they really want truth that reflects their world view.)
    2) I have recently (because of a relationship I sabotaged) embarked on a no secrets policy. I’ve decided that I can’t confront or accept my past if I keep hiding it. I’m not going to share everything in the opening post, but if asked I will. Again, if you really don’t want to know, don’t ask.
    3) I tend to hide behind sarcasm. As I have asked for help I will do my best to reign that in a bit, but as dark and dire as this post is, I’m a pretty light-hearted guy. But I do need help.

    Thank you for your time.

    #121467
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Chris:

    You asked for concrete, not abstract: how to stop the past from defining your present (and future)?

    The “outside” method of doing that: specifically define what behaviors are not acceptable for you and see to it that you do not engage in those behaviors (takes will power combined with relaxation techniques and other tools and skills). This method is effective immediately. it is in the management/ coping category.

    The “inside” method of doing that. This method is not effective immediately. It is in the healing category. It takes practice over the period of months and years. It requires ongoing gentleness toward yourself and an incredible amount of patience with the process. This is it:

    You learn to pay attention like you never had before, attention to what is taking place in between your ears as well as the rest of your body. You learn to pay attention to the outside world, other people, things, places. This paying attention is called Mindfulness. You never become mindful-enough. There is always MORE to pay attention to. As you become more and more mindful, you unlearn the old and learn the new- no such thing as something too small to unlearn or to learn. I referred to a Process. This process, is the re-wiring of the brain- loosening those knots of false old learnings by inserting new learning into it. Old neuro-pathways, connections (old learnings) in the brain are loosened by making new pathways, new connections (new learnings).

    As you read the above paragraph, it may not seem or feel concrete for you, and this is exactly the point: it cannot be concrete until you practice it.

    anita

    #121471
    Chris
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita.

    The “outside” method I have down pretty pat. I have a fairly rigid definition of acceptable and unacceptable behavior that I hold to. I have recently added a few other things to that list.

    Mindfulness is also something I have always practiced. Always being aware of what’s in my head and what is going on around me. Just for a different reason. I’m working on those. I’m also working on expressing emotions rather than suppressing them.

    But I still have this knot of crap I’m holding onto. I can say, “That’s not me.” but it is. Its a part of me and I don’t know what to do with it. It is an interesting puzzle to be told “Don’t hold your past against you” when many of the people around me are doing just that (holding my past against me) while telling me not to. LOL

    As I continue “rewiring” my thinking will this knot loosen on its own?
    This is the puzzle I’m currently working on. I am working on the rest and I understand that it is a long road. It is this knot that I can’t get through. While I’m currently able to ignore that fanatic “You must be punished” voice, I am worried that I am not able to truly accept myself if that knot is still there. I worry that I am kidding myself and that nothing has really changed. It feels like I’m ignoring that knot because I don’t know what to do with it. Which is fairly accurate. But I know that ignoring it isn’t helping. That’s what got me in trouble in the first place. I know that you can only hold onto things for so long before it starts leaking out in rather spectacular ways. This has already occurred.

    There are days when I feel like this is all just another facade I’m creating to cover that knot of guilt, shame, hurt. So that I can say “Look! I did all this and its still the same!”

    LOL I’m not even particularly artistic, so I can’t work through it that way. Although maybe making a physical representation of some kind will help. This is one of those time where I think that my words have failed to convey my intentions. It happens. I will check out the pages you suggested. Thanks again.

    #121473
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Chris:

    Can you define that knot you are referring to, in a sentence or two?

    anita

    #121494
    Chris
    Participant

    Its a knot of fear, shame, hatred, pain, guilt. Like I said, some things were done to me and I did things to others. I know that I have to let this stuff go, but I don’t know how to do that. I’m not trying to forget. But I’ve been holding onto this for so long. Letting it define who I was, how I saw myself. The rest I’m working on. Changing my inner voice, expressing feelings, but how to let that past go I just don’t understand. Its the one piece I can’t grasp how to do. I literally do not comprehend how.

    #121495
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Chris:

    Regarding things done to you as a child- accepting the injustice of it, the betrayal, your utter victimization, grieving the loss and damage it caused you while you currently live an assertive life, trusting yourself to protect yourself and take care of yourself- over time- should make it possible to get unstuck here.

    Regarding things you did to others, making appropriate amends in every way possible to those you victimized should help, but even if it doesn’t, this is your responsibility to do so.

    The way I redeemed myself, still redeeming myself for the wrongs and hurts I have caused innocent others, is to persistently adhere, day in and day out, to what I call The Healing Path. There is no work more difficult than working that path, for so long and for the rest of my life. Doing my healing has already earned my personal forgiveness (and I assure you, the guilt has been immense).

    anita

    #121497
    Chris
    Participant

    There are no appropriate amends. Not in my opinion.

    It just occurred to me that my problem may be that I don’t understand the concept of “letting it go”. LOL Its one of my issues. Abstracts.

    Anyway, I envision a hand gripping something tightly. I don’t know how to loosen that hand. What do you mean by “Let go” in this context? Maybe that will help.

    #121498
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Chris:

    I do not like the term “let go” and do not use it myself. Notice my post to you above has no such term.

    The past is recorded in our brain. It is recorded in the way of memories and emotions plus core beliefs, conclusions we make about who we are and who others are. Can’t let it go unless you have a lobotomy and you let go of your physical brain.

    There is much pain to be endured with accepting what was done to you and what you did. At one point, I remember, I took in the pain of what I have done as I understood, that every person on the face of this world has done wrong. I was not the exception.

    Notice, I didn’t ask you what you did. Is it relevant to your struggle?

    anita

    #121499
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Correction: do you think it is relevant for me to know the specifics of what you did wrong to others?
    anita

    #121640
    Chris
    Participant

    Sorry for the delay. Its been busy.

    I don’t think its really relevant. I am trying to find peace, basically. I am rearranging my thought processes, and I am ever mindful of not just what I’m doing, but why I’m doing. I am very worried about returning to previous paths. I guess I thought that this knot would fade away at the very least, but it doesn’t seem to be. By the way, I loved your take on “let it go”. Will that voice always be with me? Most days I can ignore it. No, ignoring it isn’t right. But I can not listen (?). Some days, though it still echoes through my brain. That turmoil is what I was hoping to be rid of.

    #121645
    VJ
    Participant

    Hi Chris,

    “I’ve heard from my therapists (yeah, multiple. LOL) that “You just need to let these things go.” Only one tiny little problem with that. How? How do you let go of something you’ve held onto for so long, so tightly that you can’t even begin to understand HOW to let it go. “You just do it.” Whatever. In my case it really is like teaching a child how to tie their shoes by saying “You just tie them.”
    This is exactly what I’m upto. To share something on the “how” part. If you look at my profile’s biographical intro and it talks about the same…

    Comforting anyone with words do produce a healing effect, but I believe that doing a practical healing technique has greater effect than words like “just let it go, don’t worry, everything will be alright, just relax, quiet the mind”. The problem with this is simply saying to “let it go” won’t work in the long run. One must be guided “how to let it go”. The important part is the “how”. “How to let go”, “how to relax”, “how to quieten the mind”, “how to stop worrying and start living” and so on.
    This is where various Life Healing Techniques come into play and are useful in having a greater and lasting effect, because they are something practical in nature.

    I am going to share with you one such Healing Technique relevant to your situation. It’s called ‘The Release Technique’.
    It’s neither a good idea to express any unwanted or negative emotions (because this becomes venting),
    nor even to suppress them (because this bottles up),
    but to release them.

    I have learned the technique from this book after I read “Learn to “let go” of any negativity…in seconds!” on the cover
    (https://www.amazon.com/Abundance-Book-Lawrence-Crane/dp/0971175500)
    Go through the book description on the above link starting from “This exciting book will help you:” and if you feel it resonates with you then you may give it a try. You may also want to go through the ‘About the Author’ section under Editorial reviews.

    But if you do not have the time and/or patience and are fine to go with something paid for faster access then this is their official website (http://www.releasetechnique.com) where you will find more things about the technique like – live classes, events, programs, CDs, digital downloads, online courses, etc.

    I did not take any of their programs but at the end of the book I purchased there was a coupon which allowed me to attend their LIVE Coaching class for FREE every Wednesday and this was undertaken by the author of the book – Lawrence Crane. I am sure this is still there but if you intend to then you can confirm with their customer care before buying the book.

    From what you have described, its a good resource on the naughty knots like fear, shame, hatred, pain and guilt.

    From my information there is also a similar tool called as ‘The Sedona Method’, although I am familiar with the technique, but since I haven’t practiced it much, I won’t be able to tell you more on it.

    Before ending you may want to take a look at this review (http://mindtoolsreview.com/the-release-technique-review/). That’s all I can share on the letting go process.

    If you ever happen to choose to do the Release Technique and are in case of any doubts then I will try my best to assist in whatever way I can.

    Happy Releasing,
    VJ

    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by VJ.
    #121647
    Bev
    Participant

    Hi Chris

    When you feel the knot, rather than rejecting it or fearing it – consider accepting it. Hello old knot – you pain in the arse – you are back. I see you, I accept you are there, but you no longer define me. While you are not helpful and I don’t enjoy your presence, you remind me of who I don’t want to be anymore.

    I know my past, but my past is not my future. Who I WAS then is not who I am now. Who I am NOW is the embryo of who I will be tomorrow.

    In acceptance of your past – what you cannot change – you will find your peace. With attrition and in helping others, you will find hope. It’s not about re-balancing the scales and having to do as much “good” for others to balance the “bad” done previously, but it’s about you discovering and embracing the “new you” which is shedding the no-longer-required skin of the old you.

    Today, I, Chris, made a small but positive difference in another human being’s life, and for today that is enough. Tomorrow I will worry about tomorrow, and about being the person I need to be tomorrow.

    Be patient – peace takes time. As you trust yourself and the new you, the old you will lose power. Good luck.

    #122285
    JAMIE
    Participant

    I am consumed with guilt and shame I have made some very bad decisions that has caused my whole life to fall apart I know that I cannot begin to repair or find A New Path without getting over the guilt and the shame I have suffered with depression and anxiety and isolation for most of my life I am holding on by my fingertips trying to remind myself one step at a time but the shame and guilt consumes me

    #122288
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Chris:

    You asked: “Will that voice always be with me?”, referring to the knots of “fear, shame, hatred, pain, guilt” over what was done to you and what you did to others.

    My attempt at answering: that voice will reappear for a long time, at times when you are not busy, at times you are distressed with current life situations. Maybe in the farther future, the voice will no longer reappear, a long time from now.

    What you already know, the reality that was, the reality that gave rise to those knots, is not the final knowing. There is more to know. To further untie those knots, be open to know more than you do now. Not the intellectual kind of knowing, reading online information and such, but the knowing that comes from paying attention at the present, on an ongoing basis. There is more to know with more mindfulness.

    anita

    #122292
    Peter
    Participant

    It just occurred to me that my problem may be that I don’t understand the concept of “letting it go”. LOL

    If you figure it out and could bottle it you would be a rich man.

    What does Letting go mean and what would it look like. I ask myself those question daily.
    Would it be forgetting? Sometimes I wish it was and that I’d wake up one day and magically be a different me which is really a wish to be someone other then me.

    Sometimes I wonder if perhaps in that moment between sleep and waking as consciousness of the sense of ‘I’ returns and we dress our ‘selves’ in our personas, expectations, fears, dreams… that I might just let go of the past and dress differently… but I don’t. Or if I do it’s in small ways.

    How do I let go of the past? You don’t its past, you can’t undo it, you can’t step in the same river twice, there is nothing to hold onto.

    What are your holding on to? Memory. Recalling a memory of the past is always the present

    How do I let go of memory? Many people try to forget… drinking, drugs, sex….. but that method is not recommend.

    How to come to terms with memory? Acceptance.

    Each experience, those you might label as being bad or good has brought you to this point in space and time. You survived you are here. You are not living in denial, you made mistakes, you also had successes. Others have influenced you and you have influenced others some in ways you judge in positive ways some in negative. Good and bad both have pushed you into becoming.

    Perhaps you begin to see that you are more than the sum of the memories you have of your experience and how you label them, just as others are more. Perhaps acceptance and letting go is being open to learning so that as you learn better you do better. What more can we ask of anyone? Of ourselves? Perhaps that is how we love ourselves and loving ourselves others. Maybe that is a place to start (and end)

    Ravens sit on Odin’s/SELF shoulders. One is called ‘Thought’ the other is called ‘Memory’
    Ravens are tricksters and co-creators of the world. We create our world though or thoughts and our Memories. Words and Memories Tricksters.

    The universe/god/nature/life/SELF… demands growth and the Trickster plays the role of shaking things up, things are not as they seem, illusions, the mother bird that pushes chicks out of the nest.

    Consciousness is limited in what it sees. To function the ‘I’ discards millions of bits of information every second to focus on just a few. Yet we assume that our memory of an experience is exactly as it was, even the why of others peoples intentions, and then use those memories to create the stories we live.

    Accepting that we cannot know all the facts about why and how what happened a window opens to forgive ourselves when we got it wrong.

    Perhaps forgiveness is letting go? Not a forgetting but a honest yes to what happened and how our experiences have influenced us, moving forward, learning better so we might do better and then the grace to allow others the same.

    Recommend the book ‘When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships” by David Richo

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