Lies... - Tiny Buddha

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This topic has 7 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.

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October 26, 2015 at 9:24 pm #86166

TriangleSun
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I’m really doing better, but I go through the motions once in a while. I’m yet on another cycle. It hurts with an agonizing pain. I just don’t know how to move away from it. A while back i stumbled upon a quote that went something like “when you lie to someone that you love them you don’t just hurt that person, you destroy their perception of love.” Well, it was surely better-worded than that, but the point is there. I’ve been trying to get over it for months… I just can’t. I had someone I loved unconditionally. Someone i thought i was making happy… She lied to me that she loved me and I felt it was a lie with my entire being. I told her that i felt like she wasn’t honest and her reply was that she never lied to me… Looked me straight in the goddamn eyes and said it. Than a few weeks later after this circus… she slips and says i’m the guy she “genuinely liked.” My heart sank. What i feared the most has finally been realized. You know, when a relationship is over you want to cherish the moments… But, what’s there to cherish when everything has been smeared with disgust and doubt of genuinity? I can tolerate a lot of things. My love life has been nothing but a disaster. I’ve gone through so much hurt and pain that i’m surprised I still smile and feel anything. But this… broke me down. Had she slept with someone, told me how good it felt, spit me in the face and walked away it would have hurt less than knowing that love these days is total and utter joke.
I think this experience coupled with my ex-fiance from a few years back who married someone barely 6 months after we had a terrible split before our wedding, has finally driven me to the edge. What’s there to look forward to in relationships? How do i trust again? Even thinking about another relationship makes me sick… physically. I just want to vomit. What’s the point? Why trust someone with everything you have in return for freaking lies? What is love worth these days? How do i not feel so freaking damaged? Where did i go wrong and what have i done to have something so sacred to me get trashed like this… I don’t know…

October 27, 2015 at 4:30 am #86188
Inky
Participant
Hi TriangleSun,

When we lie it’s because we think that the other person can’t be trusted with the truth. That their reaction would be far worse than the lie. That telling the truth wouldn’t be worth it.

The other thing that’s going on is there are so many definitions of love. Only if you were inside this girl’s body and mind would you be able to truly ascertain if, in what way, and how much she did love you.

A third thing is that you are making assumptions about how she really feels. Now, if my loved one, for instance, said I was someone they genuinely liked, I’d take that as a compliment! However, I too have had someone say I “was a really good friend” right before they broke up with me. And boy do I know how THAT feels!!

But because of the ex-fiancé, you are already highly sensitive.

Her marrying her rebound only speaks to her desperation (did she want to start a family before it was biologically too late? Was she “making up for lost time”? Combatting a sense of failure on her part?). There is nothing wrong with you as far as I can tell, but her marrying someone SO soon makes me wonder about HER!

I would work on your emotional reactions and sensitivity. You are taking things (perhaps?) way too personally! I know it FEELS personal, but unless you can inhabit the other person’s body and mind, you don’t know the whole stories!

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 9 years ago by Inky.
October 27, 2015 at 4:36 am #86190

Inky
Participant

P.S. Yes I believe in intuition and vibes. If you sense she’s lying to you, simply make a note of it and act accordingly, but don’t let that trigger you into a downward spiral!

There’s a book The Four Agreements, and one of the Agreements is not to take things personally. I have to master that one as it is the hardest thing. So hard I don’t even remember the other three Agreements!! LOL!

October 27, 2015 at 7:53 am #86196

Anonymous
Guest

Dear TriangleSun:

Yes, your neuropathways are set now for having the same experience again and again. You are all tuned up to detect lies and betrayal in anything a potential future girlfriend will say and do. She, the potential future girlfriend, will be suspect from the moment she appears in your life. This is not going to work out for you or for her. I think you need to – through good psychotherapy perhaps- examine your history, your thoughts and feelings so to get to a point where pain does not distort your thinking, that your thinking can be trusted for accuracy.

Some people lie, there is no doubt. I am one of the most pessimistic people when it comes to the good in humans, but it is not always so. After all I am realizing I am okay after all… and there are others. Fine-tune your senses, your thinking, so that you can see what is there, free of set in stone like, inaccurate projections.

anita

November 4, 2015 at 7:11 am #86725

Jodi
Participant

It sounds like she was telling you what she thought you wanted to hear. Personally, I used to attract a lot of men who would tell me what they thought I wanted to hear rather than just telling me the truth. Eventually, through practice, I learned to tell when someone was doing and that and I would remind them that I wanted to truth no matter how harsh. It took some practice dealing with people to learn how to recognize it, but you can do it. As Inky mentioned, it’s also important to remember not to take things personally because her dishonesty was more about her than it was about you.

Best of luck!
~Jodi

February 21, 2016 at 1:27 pm #96671

TriangleSun
Participant

Honestly, this thread was too painful for me to go back to. I’ve been able to go back to my happy self and put everything behind, until just now learning something that I was afraid of and the overwhelming pain is back. Before our relationship began there was a man from a different city who she met online and after some chatting and realizing that nothing was going to happen she cut ties. However, he kept sending her stuff to her address, sending her emails and texts. She’d move and he’d find out her new location and continue keeping in touch. He even dropped by her place one time and she ended up sending him a cease and desist at which he just laughed and kept pursuing. Sometimes she’d go months without replying but would cave in because she told me some things he was sending were funny. Everyone in her circle knew this guy as the “stalker.” Well, while we were dating they started texting back and forth more frequently. I didn’t think much of it because she told me he’s “innocent”.

She actually had to go to his city one time regarding a health issue and asked me if it was okay if they met. It was just mentioned briefly a month before her departure and never again. She didn’t want me to come with her and said she’d be fine by herself. It felt extremely weird, but it was difficult time for her and i thought better this guy than nobody. When she came back I was visibly disturbed by the fact that she never even mentioned he was there but it was oh so obvious that he was. She called me out on it and I actually ended up apologizing for this while realizing that there wouldn’t be another man out there who would be okay with this. Well, today i learned that she has since moved to his city. I put the pieces together and the hurt and the pain just skyrocketed to the surface. I was simply being cheated on and she didn’t have the guts to tell me so she came up with a story. This is so absolutely gross and disgusting…

February 21, 2016 at 1:41 pm #96672

TriangleSun
Participant

Thank you for all of your replies.

When I hear the word therapy i think of being at the base of mount Everest and trying to climb to the peak. I’ve never had the need for therapy and the whole process just scares me for whatever reason. Perhaps I have a weak mind or maybe i’m scared of discovering some kind of unsolvable psychological root cause of all of this turmoil. It’s really overwhelming right now but I ultimately think i’ll probably going to end up getting help so that the negativity of it all doesn’t hurt my future. I’m honestly thinking i’m completely doomed right now and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

February 21, 2016 at 3:18 pm #96687

Anonymous
Guest

Dear TriangleSun:

i was wondering about you and am saddened to read you are not doing well presently. Therapy as the base of mount Everest. I was at the base of mount Everest five years ago and am at this point way up there, not all the way up, but way up, way higher than the base. Five years. It may be shorter for you. Please keep hope alive, in that tunnel you are in. Post anytime!

anita
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