OKAY I know this is supposed to be a support site for enlightenment and encouragement, finding self etc….After reading your whole thing, you will have to forgive me in advance for some of my feedback is going to seem extremely judgmental and blunt. I only have your words and how you have portrayed your situation to go off of, I will give you my honest perceptions. I dont know what “black box” is or could even possible refer to, I really dont see how any issue it might refer to has any real bearing as it didnt seem to come up as something the source of your dilemma revolves around. What I noticed the source of your dilemma revolves around is simply…….. you.

1: I always wondered what a “young professional” title means exactly. How is it different from a young person or just simply a professional? Why combine the two? Is there an old professional? if so what does that mean? what would be the difference be? When I hear young professional and from my experience with people who use that term, its simply some sort of “status.”

2: You made a choice, to date someone you weren’t interest in, I think you need to ask yourself why? be really honest with yourself… going into something with a poor attitude and ending up with what you have….. are you surprised? I think there is something to be said about being an adult and not being shallow and giving someone a chance. The fact you make mention of it, tells me you think you should have enforced your boundaries earlier. Sometimes we should cut the cords to dating before starting a relationship with someone. The reasons we do it, are for you to find and will be what keeps you clear of something like this again. You list off things like, being fit, having money, being professional and having friends….. these are really your priorities? This is what common traits you look for in a partner? or how you gauge success of your life? What about, is emotionally balanced, respectful, responsible, honest……. I see those mentioned no where in your laundry list of demands from a man. I only see shallow surface things that have little or nothing to do with WHO a person is, but simply WHAT they are. Just Q’s to consider.

3: You say the word FEAR 4 times….. I will give you enormous kudos that you are willing to admit this being one of your obstacles. FEAR lives in your head and poisons your heart. Most of the time what we fear is not a reality however a figment of our insecurities. Why would you be in a relationship with someone for an entire year you kept secret? This guy must have a steel sense of self or no self esteem at all to be someones secret for an entire year.

4: “R isn’t very polished or well read, his language is fairly crass and he lacks the worldliness I’ve always expected my partner to have.” ………Are you serious?

5: “he didn’t have time to become a suave, polished, cultured man” Sounds like you’re too good for him then

6: You’re mom probably knew the entire time what was up. If she has sacrificed to give you what you have, hopefully you’re appreciative of her. At the end of the day however, your life is yours to live. Im sure the sacrifices they made weren’t done for you to make bad choice too. That is apart of learning and growing. I’m sure mom understands that and would be supportive of you no matter what, that’s just the way moms are.

7: So its his fault you cant stand up for what you want? or that you cant be honest with yourself or your parents? “normal” couple? what does normal look like anyway…? look around two men, two women, white black, transgender, single parents, normal is taking on a completely new meaning, what meaning or normal are you stuck on?

8:They say breakups light up the same areas in the brain as someone getting clean off cocaine. We think its a “hearbreak” but its really a withdrawal from a chemical addiction, from the hormones in our system that are generated when we feel “love.” Give it a couple months, and see if you still feel the same way.

9: Im liking this guy more and more, good for him. He needs to find someone who wont try and change him into some James Bond CEO fantasy partner that you are looking for. Just because you dont have your stuff together emotionally, its not fair to make it his problem. You broke up with him, he doesnt owe you anything anymore.

10: Regret and guilt is a good thing to a certain extent, it means you arent a complete sociopath. But why do you feel these things? because you hurt him? or because you had him, gave him up, want him again, and he’s smart enough to steer clear? Something tells me the latter. For his sake and for your own healing, you need to leave him alone. Not forever….. just until you can get yourself back into the mold of a semi healthy and emotionally stable person again.

11: Rumination is a tough one, the only way Ive found to really stop them, is to change your attitude about the break up, one from pain and despair to freedom and life lesson. When you can look back and smile appreciating the good times and knowing the bad were necessary for growth. You wont have these pangs of remorse and frustration.

12: The only way you’ll ever get him back, is to get over him. Break ups happen because its broken. Something about the way he is, and the way you are simply do not work together. So to assume that you can remain the same people and try again is against logic. Ever heard, “doing the same thing the same way and expecting different results?” You’ll either have to accept its over, learn what you needed to learn and move on. Or try to address your problems and be a better person. You’re going to have to do all these things anyway. Otherwise any future relationship you have you will simply drag the same negative manifestations of your personality into the next one. Once someone has put you outside of their defensive walls, there is absolutely nothing you can do to get back in. They are the keepers of the gate and will only be the ones who decide when and for who it opens again. This guy let you inside once, you ran am-muck, and like the barbarians into china he’s built a big ass wall to keep you out. While he attempts to rebuild in the aftermath.

Sister, Im telling you, I wish I could swoop in and sprinkle magic dust to make your pain go away. It sucks and I know it so much. I hope you approached my feedback from a position of humility. I honestly see in your writing a lot of extremely typical problems with young people these days. The confusion, fear of commitment, the unrealistic expectations, the misplaced priorities. The only freedom from all this is not going to come from him, or your friends, or us. Its going to come from yourself. You need to commit to intense reflection and own the things you find. This is about YOU, whatever part he had in it and he does, they always do. It doesn’t matter as he is gone and you’re only left with yourself now…..

I hope you find the peace it is you seek, its all begins and ends within us!

So, from reading your post, it sounds as if R is working class or poor and you are not, and you are ashamed to be with him, and he broke up with you.
His response to you seems completely reasonable.