Hi Omyk

I’m sorry to hear that your wife died. It sounds like you both had a beautiful relationship.

You are doing what is right for you when you say that you don’t want a long term partner. I don’t think that your child will suffer at all from your choice. It was wrong of people to suggest that your wife was so easily replaceable.

You feel bad about dating short term because you know that your interest will dwindle at a certain point.

Perhaps you don’t have to feel bad about it? If you wanted you could be open and honest about your intentions about dating short term. People would be understanding because of your situation. Having a nice time, meeting a new person, there is nothing wrong with that if the mood strikes you.

This next part might depend upon culture.

You don’t want to have sex because that is your boundary. That is fine. There is nothing wrong if that boundary changed one day and you decided that you did want to. Morally sex is fine without marriage. Perhaps the idea of sleeping with someone other than your wife for the first time is troubling you and something that you are not ready for?

You have done the right thing distancing yourself from this nosy friend. It is none of his business and he doesn’t get a say in how you choose to live your life.

Does it matter if you look at the dating app occasionally? If you are in the mood checking out if there is anyone that seems interesting to hang out with is not a bad thing.

Of course if you don’t want to date short term that is fine too and your boundary, your choice. In that case uninstalling the dating app would be helpful.

I’m not trying to sway you in one way or the other. Just trying to let you know that whatever you choose is okay. All you have to do is what is right for you. But if you choose to do something as opposed to not do something, you don’t have to feel bad about it.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Dear omyk:

You are very welcome. “I have learned that sex signifies something much deeper to me… I want to reserve it for deep love shared in a committed relationship“- I admire you for this!

“I try to be conscious about avoiding acting in an overbearing way with my own child“- another thing to admire about you!

“A huge part of my upbringing was constantly obtaining approval of elders… I have been shaped to act in ways that others approve of – even if they’re not hear to signal their approval!“- the elders took hold of part of your brain and their mental representatives are talking to you. It happens to everyone. The inner critic is the part of the brain that replays a parent’s/ elder’s criticisms and even expands on it.

“I’m working on that right now. It is really hard work to unlearn and then learn a new way of thinking!”– it is indeed hard work and it’s another thing to admire about you!

To unlearn the input of the inner critic, when its input is or may be wrong, harsh and punishing, it takes challenging the input, shining the light of truth into it (is it true? Is it false? In what context?). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is about such challenging.

anita

Dear omyk:

(I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes in this post): “Every once in a while, I have this itch to date again… What system of accountability mechanism can I create to hold off the occasional weird urge to sign up on a dating app? Is it just a matter of self-discipline? if so, I’ll muster up more willpower… sex signifies something much deeper to me… I want to reserve it for deep love shared in a committed relationship… I have been doing ministry for more than twenty-five years and was considering taking the next step up when she died. Remarrying or cohabitating means giving up the ministry”–

– I thought you may be interested in the little research I did this morning on the topic of celibacy in the religious context:

From bbc. com/is it even possible to live a celibate life?: “After another sex scandal involving a senior member of the Catholic Church, questions are again being asked about celibacy. Is it realistic for someone to permanently go without sex?… To the purists, celibacy – derived from the Latin for unmarried – means a permanent state of being without sex… ‘True’ celibacy means a life without both sex and a spouse or partner. Of course, there are many who give it a looser definition…
<p class=”ssrcss-1q0x1qg-Paragraph e1jhz7w10″>”Catholic priests are all men and while there are celibate women – typically nuns – much of the debate tends to focus on male celibacy. Taken in its strictest definition, there is a question mark over whether celibacy is possible. Men are driven by testosterone to want sex, says John Wass, Professor of Endocrinology at Oxford University. Women are driven to a lesser degree by a mixture of testosterone and oestrogen, he explains. ‘I’d regard celibacy as a totally abnormal state.’…</p>
<p class=”ssrcss-1q0x1qg-Paragraph e1jhz7w10”>”Jimmy O’Brien, who left the priesthood to start a family remembers how difficult it could be for young men. ‘You have to fight the urges. For a lot of people it can be a daily battle, others are not so affected.'</p>
<p class=”ssrcss-1q0x1qg-Paragraph e1jhz7w10″>”The power of the mind through exercises like meditation can banish physical cravings, argues Vishvapani, a Buddhist…’There’s no doubt in my mind that some people are able to practice it quite happily. It may sometimes be a bit of a struggle. But the idea that biologically you can’t – that’s false.'</p>
<p class=”ssrcss-1q0x1qg-Paragraph e1jhz7w10″>”Father Stephen Wang, dean of studies at Allen Hall Seminary, says it is a sacrifice that many priests manage. ‘It’s possible when people have an inner maturity and the faith and support structures are in place.’ For him it is no different to the challenge of a husband trying to be faithful to his wife. There is no celibacy get-out in the form of masturbation, says Wang. ‘For every Christian, masturbation, sex before marriage and sex outside marriage are wrong and something you shouldn’t be doing…</p>
“Wang argues that people misunderstand celibacy. It ensures a unique relationship with God and one’s parishioners, he says. ‘It’s not about repression. It’s about learning to love in a certain way.‘ It’s not just priests who are called by the church to be celibate, it’s everyone outside wedlock, he argues. He rejects the link, commonly made in the media, between celibacy and scandal. ‘It’s not true to say that celibacy leads to sexual dysfunction or abuse. Unfortunately sexual scandals are occurring across society in various organisations, and feature married men not just celibate people.”
<p class=”ssrcss-1q0x1qg-Paragraph e1jhz7w10″>-end of my little research. Is there anything about the above that may be helpful to you, omyk?</p>
anita

Dear Omyk

I am sorry that your wife died & that you had no warning. So I guess you were unable to have the discussion with your wife about new partners should a tragedy strike.

As I deepened my spiritual life I decided to try out celibacy in my 50’s as I did not want to have casual relationships. Initialy I took a vow for one year and a few months before the year was up I reviewed whether I wanted to be in a relationship.  I realised that I was content for at least 90% of my time I could handle the short & occasional bouts of loneliness/longing.

I have good friends & family so I continued renewing my celibacy vow each year and after  5 years I decided to stay celibate for the rest of my life. My spiritual life has deepened over this time and once my family commitments are over I hope to take robes.

I wish you all the best in which ever path you choose.

Kind regards Roberta

Dear Omyk

I hope that you & your daughter are getting the support of your community & that the work issues have resolved themselves.

It is possible to be happy, content & active within a community (the fathers of my children died young 23 & 37) without a special someone. I have a lot of fun, friendship & my  younger son looks after my dad twice a week so that I can lead meditation sessions. Each of my friends offer the parts ( other than sexual intimacy) that a spouse would. I am also free to be there for people of our island, where as if I was in a relationship this would take time away from my family (2 lovely granchildren) & community activities. Celibacy should be a joyous freedom not a burden.

Best wishes

Roberta