- This topic has 289 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 1 week, 5 days ago by
Peter.
-
AuthorPosts
-
August 3, 2025 at 7:22 pm #448160
anitaParticipantSOCJ:
I am going back to my mother this Sun night because that’s what, or who I always went back to. And I wonder, what might come up now, in regard to my mother (this GOD of my past life). Whatever comes to mind:
What comes to mind is her deep-brown, dark, soulless eyes (no soul FOR ME).
Nothing else, just that one thing comes 2 mind:: No Soul 4 Me.(NS4M.. I have a thing for acronyms).
That’s all. Nothing else.
My goodness, nothing else at all comes to my mind: NS4Me- that and nothing else.
Nothing to understand further, no one to.. try to reach.
Nothing to long for.. No hope in those deep-brown-, dark, soulless eyes.
An impenetrable darkness.
This is how I sum up the role of my mother in my life: Impenetrable Darkness (ID).
Other people in my life now- lots of penetrable light!
,
So.. turn away from the darkness and toward the light ✨About other Impenetrable Darkness People ((IDP) in my life: let them be, let them go.
So.. Goodbye you… mother-could-have-been.
* Note to Readers: Kindly refrain from responding to this or any future SOCJ (Stream of Consciousness Journal) entries. Thank you for respecting this request—I will continue to include it in upcoming SOCJs.
Anita
August 3, 2025 at 7:28 pm #448161anitaParticipantSOCJ: Mother-could-have-been…
Motherless, in one word.
Impenetrable.. forever-impenetrable mother-could have been.
* Note to Readers: Kindly refrain from responding to this or any future SOCJ (Stream of Consciousness Journal) entries. Thank you for respecting this request—I will continue to include it in upcoming SOCJs.
Anita
August 4, 2025 at 7:07 pm #448176anitaParticipantSOCJ:
About Boundaries: that’s a huge topic for me. I used to feel that I had no right to say No, Enough.. Stop, No More!
To be able to say these things makes me smile! To think, to know that I don’t Have To surrender to what others want from me.. is thrilling, exhilarating!
The one who taught me.. Yes, she.. She taught me that boundaries is not something allowed for me, that it’s an infringement on her supposed right to invade my body, my mind, my space at any time, and in whatever way she wished.
She taught me wrong.
And tonight, I am celebrating my right to say No, to not Respond, to not Engage.
.. I don’t Have To… 😊 ✌️
* Note to Readers: Kindly refrain from responding to this or any future SOCJ (Stream of Consciousness Journal) entries. Thank you for respecting this request—I will continue to include it in upcoming SOCJs.
Anita
August 5, 2025 at 8:20 pm #448218anitaParticipantSOCJ:
Young Anita to older Anita: …. Really, really.. I don’t have to talk to anyone I don’t want to talk to..?
Older Anita: you don’t have to.
Younger Anita: I DON’T have to?
Older Anita: You don’t have to.
Younger Anita: I can talk to whom I want to, to not talk to whom I don’t… Just like that?
Older Anita: Just like that.
Younger Anita: And they can’t make me???
Older Anita: They can’t make you.
Younger Anita: And the people I try so hard to reach, to win.. I don’t have to anymore?
Older Anita: You don’t have to. You are free.
Younger Anita: F.R.E.E.. Just like that?
Older Anita: Just like that. You earned it.
Younger Anita (a sigh… a concern): But they will hurt me, they will punish me.. They will punish me if I don’t.
Older Anita: Anita doesn’t go belly-up anymore. She doesn’t accommodate those who try to hurt her. She doesn’t submit to those who dismiss her.. those who misuse her. She is a strong young-old little girl.
* Note to Readers: Kindly refrain from responding to this or any future SOCJ (Stream of Consciousness Journal) entries. Thank you for respecting this request—I will continue to include it in upcoming SOCJs.
Anita
August 5, 2025 at 9:04 pm #448219anitaParticipantSOCJ:
This may be the happiest night in my life: I keep re-reading the above, and I keep smiling… Just so happy! Can’t be happier.
* Note to Readers: Kindly refrain from responding to this or any future SOCJ (Stream of Consciousness Journal) entries. Thank you for respecting this request—I will continue to include it in upcoming SOCJs.
Anita
August 5, 2025 at 9:11 pm #448220anitaParticipantSOCJ:
Can’t stop smiling.. Just so happy (and listening to my favorite music)… No longer Under, no longer belly up…I am thrilled.
* Note to Readers: Kindly refrain from responding to this or any future SOCJ (Stream of Consciousness Journal) entries. Thank you for respecting this request—I will continue to include it in upcoming SOCJs.
Anita
August 5, 2025 at 10:17 pm #448221
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
I’m sure you don’t mean anything bad by it, but can you please refrain from making anssumptions about people you don’t want to talk to. Thanks very much. 🙏 ❤️
August 6, 2025 at 1:18 pm #448237anitaParticipantSOCJ:
I feel more confident than I ever have in my life. I am no longer a ship lost at sea, a subject to the mercy of currents not chosen (other people’s expectations, other people’s judgments.. other people’s needs, other people’s emotions). I am now steering my own ship. I am learning how to build sails that catch only the winds I want.
Note to Reader: I understand this is a public forum designed for interaction, and that posts typically invite engagement. In this particular thread, though, I’m asking for something a little different: to be witnessed, rather than responded to. Please read with presence, not reaction.
Anita
August 6, 2025 at 11:09 pm #448252AlessaParticipantHi Anita
I appreciate that you’re going through something right now.
Boundaries are a two way street. If you don’t want replies. It is important to stop making painful assumptions about people that you don’t want to talk to you. You might not understand what you are doing is hurtful. It is. Which is why you have been asked to stop multiple times. No one has to stay quiet whilst you talk about them. It is a public space.
I am not criticising you. I am managing my own boundaries as someone you are repeatedly talking about. I am allowed to take care of myself, just as you are allowed to take care of yourself.
Honestly, I don’t need this stress. If you don’t stop I’m just going to leave because I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with it right now. I really don’t like conflict because of my PTSD which is really bad right now.
On a side note, I don’t even understand why you got upset at me in the first place. You didn’t want to discuss it. I would like to work things out and listen to you when you are ready to talk. This might be the last thing I talk, so take care in advance. I wish you well and healing on your journey. ❤️
August 6, 2025 at 11:12 pm #448253AlessaParticipant*say
August 7, 2025 at 12:40 pm #448314AlessaParticipantHi Anita
I’m not asking for anything unreasonable. Simply to not talk about others in this way. You are free to explore your feelings in a healthy way. You don’t need to tiptoe.
August 7, 2025 at 12:46 pm #448317AlessaParticipantThere are 4 active commenters who interact with the community. There is no anonymity. We all know who you are talking about. We all see the conflicts.
August 7, 2025 at 1:14 pm #448324AlessaParticipantI’m quite happy to take your word in that you would just try. I don’t want you to stress yourself out over it. If that is something that you wanted to do. You trying is good enough for me. If you don’t want to, that is your choice and I’m leaving. I’ve already asked for my account to be deleted. ❤️
August 7, 2025 at 2:35 pm #448336
TeeParticipantExcerpt from Anita’s post:
I was thinking: if I share this here, will some people rejoice in my pain?
Will some people go: Yea! The **** got hurt!?
This is what crossed my mind, following recent interactions here, in the forums.
The above is called projection. Projecting one’s own hateful thoughts and feelings on others, believing that others harbor the said thoughts and feelings. Well, they don’t. But the person is convinced they are. And so they launch an attack, a smear campaign, throwing dirt on their targets.
Should that be allowed in a public space? That one member throws dirt on other members, based on their distorted thinking? I don’t think so.
Lori has been informed.
August 8, 2025 at 6:40 am #448351anitaParticipantDear Readers:
I will continue my stream of consciousness journaling (SOCJ) with an adjustment:
in the SOCJs to follow, I will not express or process my feelings in regard to members of these forums.
There will be no direct or indirect reference to any member of tiny buddha in the SOCJs to follow.
Anita
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 