- This topic has 107 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 3 hours, 48 minutes ago by
anita.
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June 19, 2025 at 11:12 am #446961
anita
ParticipantHi Peter:
I was afraid that the emotionality in my “WOW! I AM OLD!!!” post last night meant I was failing at being still—and at healing, transforming. Looking back, I realize I’d been thinking that stillness meant the absence of feeling—that healing was supposed to resemble the end of a fairytale: no more pain, no more noise, just a peaceful, happily-ever-after kind of hush, soft as a lullaby. ✨🎵💫
And that post of mine (like many others) was not… as soft as a lullaby.
Yet even though I was afraid that I was a burden to you—that my emotions were unwelcome—I wasn’t sorry that I submitted that post, or the others that came before or after it.
Your response today was as perfect as could be: no criticism, no disappointment—quite the opposite. It was gentle, compassionate, respectful, humble.
If only I had someone like you in my young life…!
For a moment, back then, I did. It was an uncle who asked me a question. I don’t remember the question, only that I’d never experienced anyone wanting to know what I thought in such an open, inviting way—not waiting for me to answer “wrong” so they could punish me for it.
I think I was going to answer him in that magical moment, but my mother sat there beside him, looking at me with those dark, threatening eyes and slightly raised corners of her mouth… warning me. So I stayed silent—on the outside.
I never got to thank him for asking me that question.
Fast forward so many, many years—and now, you are like that uncle. And there is no one sitting beside you threatening me.
So many years of suppression, day after day, night after night, decade after decade. I did express myself through poetry as a teenager and in my early twenties… but she read my poems and gave me that disapproving look—with those same slightly raised corners of her mouth.
There was also that art class where I drew hands reaching out from a person’s head (my own), demanding HELP.
And there were bursts of laughter here and there.
But mostly, it was a desperate, depressed, suppressed kind of existence.
So here I EXPRESS—and express and express—and it makes me feel alive. A life worth living.
Thank you so much, Peter. Like I told you before: you’re the bee’s knees—one of a kind, in my humble estimation.
Anita
June 19, 2025 at 11:39 am #446962anita
Participant“There was a man back in ’95 Whose heart ran out of summers, but before he died I asked him, ‘Wait, what’s the sense in life?’…
Then he said, ‘Here’s a riddle for ya Find the answer There’s a reason for the world— You and I.’
There are secrets that we still have left to find, Mysteries from the beginning of time. There are answers we’re not wise enough to see… He said, ‘You’re lookin’ for a clue? I love you free.’
I guess we’re big, and I guess we’re small— If you think about it, man, you know, we got it all. ‘Cause we’re all we’ve got on this bouncin’ ball. And I love ya free. I love you freely.
Here’s a riddle for ya: Find the answer. There’s a reason for the world— You and I.”-
The lyrics shift from philosophical questions to a father’s love for his child. That transition—from the abstract to the intimate—is the riddle’s resolution. Not logic. Not certainty. But presence. Love. The courage to show up for each other.
I see.
It’s like the evolution of our communication here— from the abstract to I-love-you-freely.
Anita
June 19, 2025 at 12:14 pm #446963anita
ParticipantMore Expression because I can. Whatever comes to mind:
Do you see the photo above my name? That’s me a few months ago, I still look the same and dress the same and have my hair in a pony tail. And I still weigh about the same, 108-110 pounds at 5’5”. I care about looking like that, YOUNG (from a distance.. ha-ha), torn jeans, no make up, like a girl, a girl I didn’t get to be when physically young.
It’s just that I need to look young, to feel young- because I didn’t get to experience those things as a girl, a teenager, a young adult. I was definitely old way before my time.
My life was a life put-on-hold, postponed for a better time, a time that did not come to be.
I was dancing to live music outdoors a few months ago. A girl (preteen) was dancing with me, jumping, so I thought I’d jump with her, and I did, for a long time. It was heavenly. My knees hurt for a few das after, but I did Jump, I did Dance!
The other day, I danced with older people, a woman in her 80s. It was MAGICAL!!!
Well, this is it for now 🕺👯♀️🎶🎤💃🏼🔥🕺🏽🌟
Anita
June 19, 2025 at 2:12 pm #446965Peter
ParticipantHi Anita
The Riddle my go to song. 🙂
“You’re lookin’ for a clue? I love you free…” I imagine myself sitting in those words, being loved – free.“Looking back, I realize I’d been thinking that stillness meant the absence of feeling” – I hear the beginnings of a song?
FYI – I’ll be of line for a while.
June 19, 2025 at 4:32 pm #446969anita
ParticipantDear Peter:
It’s so like you—not to demand or instruct, but to invite so gently (“I hear the beginning of a song”). You offer openings, not expectations, and that’s something I deeply value in the way you communicate.
I’ll be thinking of a song… and wishing you rest and renewal during your offline time.
Until next time, Anita 🌿🎵
June 19, 2025 at 8:41 pm #446971anita
ParticipantIs there more, more in me that needs to express tonight? Again, another night that has no darkness in it, it’s a BRIGHT LIGHT NIGHT. How I wish for some darkness, just a bit of dark.
Back to expressing the repressed-and-suppressed.. Anything, Anita?
My favorite song playing, “You and I Will Change the World”.
So, something, anything you wish to express, dear self?
– Well.. nothing comes to mind.
How about heart, anything comes to heart?
– Well.. I have been heard (Peter heard me). I am content.
Still, it’d be a waste of red wine if you- we- don’t express.
-You are a bit pushy, if you don’t mind me saying so.
We are here, un-socialized, eager to..
– Okay, let me see… Maybe I don’t feel like sharing anything right now.
Okay.
-True, there was so much bottled-in for so long.
I want to give you the opportunity to express more. It’s something you enjoy so very much, when it happens.
– Well, nothing burning to be let out.
By the way, how come I can type anything and everything out.. whatever I want. No Moderator to Stop me?
No, no moderator.
– So.. okay, I can just type out anything, at any length.. whatever?
Yes, seems like it, yes. Anything.
– I do love getting into the core, into the depth of it all. It’s fascinating for me, a Life Worth Living= to Express.
Tell me then, doesn’t have to be anything profound, breath-stopping, nothing that has to be a W.O.W
– Okay, let me think. Well.. nothing comes to mind.
It’s okay. I’m here just in case something comes to mind, just in case something comes back to heart.
– I never wanted to be Alone. I always wanted to be Together. This is the gist of my truth. Together.
It’s the EXCRUCIATING ALONESS all those years and decades.. too Long.
Tell me, how can a single person be so Alone for so Long?
* By the way, I don’t know who is talking to whom- within me- at this point
There’s no Aloneness Police Force that says: we’ve GOT to attend to this one LONELY person, this one person had been Alone for too long..!
-No, no such police force, no such protection from Aloneness.
So, tell me, what’s within you tonight, please do tell.
– It’s about the point where words are meaningless and yet there is no way to express here without words. That’s all I have .. words. How can I type away anything that’s not words?
And the words say..?
– Love me. Take me into your arms. Don’t ever let me go. Don’t ever let me be Alone (tears in my eyes).
The many years of aloneness and loneliness, so many, many uncounted minutes, hours, days, nights and decades.
I would title my Story: ALONE.
No one should be this Alone. My heart is breaking for each and every person who has felt this Alone.
Anita
June 21, 2025 at 12:20 am #447005anita
ParticipantI’m not usually awake at this time, after midnight- technically, Sat morning- dark, totally dark, finally. No Longer Friday.
Wow! It really is dark. Had to wait till past midnight to get rid of the last of sunshine that held tight to yesterday.
It really is the day after. These few precious hours of in-between.
And it is raining, steadily, heavily!
12:20 am.
No birds. I miss them, as always. Birds- my best friends.
Don’t forget me, don’t forget Life- Be back, back to me. I miss you.
Anita
June 21, 2025 at 10:29 pm #447015Alessa
ParticipantHi Anita
Sorry I planned to write to you yesterday, but it turned out to be a bit of a rough day. I’ll try to write as soon as I’m able. Thinking of you! ❤️
June 21, 2025 at 10:34 pm #447016anita
Participant❤️ back to you, Alessa!
Anita
June 22, 2025 at 9:41 am #447025Alessa
ParticipantHi Anita
I didn’t want to overcommit and say that I would get back to you now incase I wasn’t able to and disappointed you.
It looks like a message I wrote to you got lost somehow. I was ill, so maybe I forgot to post it. I’m sorry it got lost along the way. I don’t even remember what it was now. 😅
It seems like you want to communicate in a different way?
I’m a practical person. I love advice, I go around asking people for their opinions and advice all of the time. I feel no shame in it.
And I’m British, there are just ways that things are done here with empathy and sympathy. It isn’t meant to patronise in any way. It is a way to show care.
I’m sorry and don’t mean to offend in any way. I’m quite happy to find a new way of communicating that works for you though. Please let me know when I’m doing something helpful or unhelpful.
I do care, always. ❤️
I’m not afraid of being alone though. I’m used to it. Made peace with it. The reality of life sometimes. Being there for myself is the best thing I can do to remedy that.
It is nice to connect with others though. It makes me feel cared about and I enjoy learning about others interests, experiences and perspectives.
I value your perspective, as well as everyone else’s here. ❤️
I do wish that we could connect a bit more. But I understand that these things take time and that we are two different people with two different needs and sometimes life gets in the way.
Take care, my friend ❤️
June 22, 2025 at 10:07 am #447026anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you for your thoughtful message—I really appreciate how open and caring you are in the way you communicate.
I think I may have accidentally given the wrong impression in something I wrote to Peter. I mentioned to him that I appreciated the way he offered invitations instead of expectations—but that wasn’t meant as a contrast to how you speak with me. I’ve genuinely found your words warm, empathetic, and thoughtful. I feel that you come from a place of kindness, not instruction—and I really appreciate that.
Your British sense of care absolutely comes through, and it feels sincere and grounding. So please don’t worry—you haven’t done anything wrong at all. I’m grateful for your presence and the steady kindness you bring, and I do wish for connecting more 🫂🌷🌱
With warmth and appreciation, Anita ❤️
June 22, 2025 at 10:55 am #447027Alessa
ParticipantHi Anita
Thanks for your kindness and understanding!
I try and communicate with people online the way that I communicate in real life.
I think it was one of your posts that wasn’t addressed specifically where you mentioned that you didn’t want sympathy or empathy.
I wasn’t sure if that was a one off or an indication or if you were seeking a new communication style. I didn’t want to hurt you by overstepping in a way that you weren’t comfortable with.
It’s okay for people to have different preferences and I do appreciate when you share these things.
I’m glad that you weren’t hurt. I wouldn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. ❤️ 🫂
Maybe the reality of being alone is that I prefer it as a concept or an emotion to a practical reality. I used to have panic attacks when left alone because my biological mother left us alone often at a young age. I like having a calming caring presence nearby. A dog is enough for me to feel safe. I used to feel uncomfortable when left with my own thoughts, but not anymore.
I don’t think anyone deserves to be alone, it is a shame that life is that way sometimes. ❤️
June 22, 2025 at 12:00 pm #447029anita
ParticipantJournaling—just typing what’s on my mind- trigger Warning..:
It’s the 10th day of the Israel–Iran war, and not even a full day since the U.S. launched its attack on Iran. That’s the big picture. But within it, four members of my family whom I deeply care about, two I’ve never met—live under the shadow of the next missile, caught in a deadly game of Russian roulette. Who is hit, who is spared—it comes down to chance. Nothing more.
Then there’s the smaller, more personal picture: my 85-year-old mother, over there—frail, stooped, and unwell—could die at any moment. If not from a missile, then from the slow, ongoing erosion of her body.
And still, some tiny part of me— almost extinguished, but not quite—still longs to reach her. To reach her heart. To make her SEE me, HEAR me, Notice me.
Growing in—not up, but inward, shrinking into myself—I was a non-entity in the space between my mother and I. She was Everything, and I was Nothing. There was simply no room for me, so I was alive only, mostly, in the biological sense.
And now—she’s dying.
So yes, part of me wants to be there. To hold her, to let her know…
But she can’t. She never could see me, hear me, or notice my love for her.
It was always like I wasn’t there all those years and decades- nothing but a ghost.
It was only a dream that she might one day see me as more than a two-dimensional item: something to be fed, clothed, and taken to the doctor when burning with fever.
It wasn’t her fault. She simply couldn’t.
And I know, without a doubt, that she still can’t—maybe even less so now, in her frailty and decline.
Yet I believe there’s a part of her, locked deep within, that still longs for life. And for love. I can’t reach that part. I never could.
So I reach toward people here, in these forums, hoping—maybe, just maybe—I can reach someone.
And in that reaching, I am finding myself. No longer an object, but a three-dimensional being. A person. A human.
I am settling into a 3D existence. Giving space to my feelings. Exhaling the breath I’ve held in for far too long.
Decades of waiting to exhale.
Sitting here on this quiet Sunday late morning, almost noon, birds in the background- not loud, but still alive- I take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, because truly this is all I have, and this is all anyone has. The “happily ever after” is nothing but a fairytale- an imagining of youth.
Five minutes ago, some part of the Iranian regime has announced it’s getting ready for another wave of attack.. Sunday, 9:35 PM in Israel, 10:35 PM in Iran, one minute, one hour at a time.
And back to my mother-myself, where it all began for me: it’s the story of trying to reach the unreachable. In the core of me is that hopeless pursuit- to reach her, and in so doing, to get her to notice me and.. in so doing, to give myself the right to exist, the legitimacy to exist- as a 3-D creature, an animal, a person, a human being.. not a 2-D item.
Sunday, noon-time (12 pm) here, Sunday 10 pm in Israel, Sunday 11 pm in Iran.. next missile…?
Anita
June 22, 2025 at 1:47 pm #447033Alessa
ParticipantHi Anita
It sounds like you have so much weighing on you at the moment. Even one of the issues is a lot to deal with.
Very true, sometimes it feels like being an adult we are expected to cope with more and more and more. It can be very overwhelming. Yet, somehow we are expected to pretend that we are all fine through our difficulties? Square it away into little boxes and not think about it until we have to, pretending that it doesn’t exist? Or someone says try feeling your feelings for 15 minutes a day?
I cannot imagine what it is like to endure what you are currently going through. You might not see it, but you have a lot of strength. I am praying for you, as well as your family. ❤️
I’m glad that you have this space to explore, to feel, to reach out.
Your mother may not have seen you, but plenty of people here have. You are a good and special person with a big heart. I love seeing you open up. ❤️
June 22, 2025 at 7:51 pm #447042anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
“I think it was one of your posts that wasn’t addressed specifically where you mentioned that you didn’t want sympathy or empathy.’- it was just for that moment, for that particular thing, in that particular post that I didn’t want empathy.
I have been taking in your empathy for some time, Alessa, and it means a lot to me ❤️
You have an amazing skill and talent, Alessa, in expressing empathy and thoughtfulness. You are one of a kind. Thank you so very much for your kind words!!! 🙏💐💛🌟🫶✨🌸
Anita
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