Long distance break up and going back home

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 11 months ago by Inky.

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December 4, 2018 at 4:30 pm #267845

Ana
Participant

Hi everyone,

This is my first time writing in any kind of forum, but I really need some advice.

I have been dating my current boyfriend for more than 3 years and a half, 2 of which have been in long distance. When we were living in the same city, we used to fight a lot, since he needed more space than I did and that always made me feel lonely and unloved. However, after moving away, I feel like our relationship got better, since him wanting to spend time alone was no longer an issue.

The thing is that at the beginning I was missing him a lot, but after the first year apart, my life got more interesting and I stopped missing him so much. This has gotten worse lately, to the point where I find myself snapping or annoyed for silly stuff and I no longer know if I still love him. I have been thinking that it is probably because we have spent only like five days together between more than two month periods without seeing each other and that it will all get better once we finally see each other on Christmas.

On the other hand, I’m not really sure if I’m just making excuses for myself because he’s the only friend that I have at my hometown right now and I don’t want to be alone will I’m there.

I don’t know what to do and I would really appreciate any advice that I can get. Thanks a lot.

December 4, 2018 at 5:08 pm #267853
Valora
Participant
It seems to me like you two have different affection styles that are incompatible. If you continue a relationship, at some point you would both want to be together more often, right? But if when you’re together, you fight a lot because you want attention and he wants space, then you are likely to just have the same problems when you move together again unless one of you changes. So the question you have to probably ask yourself is would you be happy in a relationship with someone who needs more space than you would like to have? And if you don’t think you would, it might be better to break things off while you’re separated. If, however, you think you could give him the space he needs when you do move back together without feeling unloved or anything, then it might be worth seeing how things go over Christmas. Although I might wait until after anyway if I were you because breakups during the holidays are absolutely horrible.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Valora.
December 4, 2018 at 8:06 pm #267873

anxie1y
Participant

Hi Ana,

In order for a relationship the last, you will need to constantly re-love your partner. Because as time pass and as we progress to other phrase of life, we change. Because of long distance relationship, you guys are not catching up in the same pace and the same page, that’s why you changed. You loved him last time didn’t mean you will love him as the same amount in the future.

There is nothing wrong here. If you don’t love him then call it off.

George

December 5, 2018 at 4:09 am #267917

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Ana:

When the two of you lived in the same city you were angry with him because he was able to spend more time with you but chose not to. When he moved away, you calmed down because even though you spent less time with him, it was not because he was chose time alone over time with you. And so, the relationship got better after he moved away, “since him wanting to spend time alone was no longer an I issue”.

Do you want to look into why this mattered to you so much, his choice to spend time alone when distance was not an issue?

I think it is relevant to your struggle at this time.

anita

December 6, 2018 at 5:30 am #268083
Inky
Participant
Hi Ana,

You are putting all this pressure on yourself to be in this long distance relationship.

And you don’t want to lose him because he’s the only friend you have in your hometown?? Like that’s a factor???

Let me tell you something, I don’t care if you have 100 friends in high school. You could have 50 from your home town in college, 25 in your twenties, 12 in your thirties, etc….. BECAUSE ALL THE KIDS LEAVE THE HOMETOWN. They just. DO!

I would cast him loose and say, “Let’s have a good time WHILE we’re together. Let’s not define it!”

Ironically, once you say that, he won’t get enough of you!

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Inky.
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