Home→Forums→Tough Times→Losing weight, but family having doubts about me
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Roberta.
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July 31, 2024 at 4:36 pm #435663
Lulu
ParticipantHello! This is me. It’s been a bit, but I’m finally back.
I’m going to college real soon, and it’s very close to home. With that, I’m worried about a number of things.
Last year, I was morbidly obese, weighing in at 218 at 5’4 at 16. It was clear something needed to be done, so I started fasting for 24 hours and then eating. I did a lot of experimenting in July of 2023, and I managed to get my weight down to 189 come August/September before I kind of stopped fasting since school was coming up and fasting took a lot of focus.
From October to December, I completely stopped fasting and my weight went back up to 199 since it was the holidays. I was deathly afraid of getting even bigger than I had been before, so come January, I fully committed to eating one meal a day and exercising often.
Now, in July 31st, I offically weigh 139. My goal weight is 125 and I can’t wait to meet it. The only issue is that my family is VERY pressed about me not eating. I’ve been doing one meal a day from January to June, and then on June 25th, I switched to eating every other day when my weight stagnated at 155.
My mom is hounding me. She says that the way I’m losing weight is indicative of an eating disorder. My twelve year old sister is CONSTANTLY getting on me for fasting. My mom says that it’s ignorant of me to be fasting knowing that my sister is sick and here I am, intentionally depriving myself of food.
My mom siblings ALWAYS want me to “taste test,” or try a bite or have a lick of some food and every time, I have to refuse because I can’t break my fast. I feel very guilty.
My friends are on the fence about me not eating as well. They’re constantly reminding me that I can’t let my weight gain control over me or that I can’t let my self image impact my actions.
I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong. At 218, I was morbidly obese. I was overweight all throughly middle and high school and I was at risk for developing diabetes. Everyone in my family is either underweight or a regular weight. No one understands, not my siblings or my mom, what it’s like having a fat body that won’t allow you to do things.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Now I’m losing weight, improving my health, finally feeling CONFIDENT about my body, my family is telling me I shouldn’t go about losing weight like how I am.</p>
I check the scale and mirror every day with a critical eye and I’m monitoring EVERY single thing that goes into my mouth when I’m not fasting. I’m headed to college and I heard that there’s a lot of emphasizes on eating out and having lunch with friends or a couple beers and it’s just not for me.I don’t wanna anger my family, but I also don’t wanna gain the weight back, and so far, nothing works as effectively as fasting for me
What should I do?
July 31, 2024 at 7:27 pm #435670anita
ParticipantDear Lulu:
Good to read from you again, and congratulations for losing all that weight, good job, I am impressed! I will reply further Thurs morning (It’s Wed evening here).
anita
July 31, 2024 at 9:37 pm #435674Tommy
ParticipantThat is called intermittent fasting. For example, for 16 hours out of 24, a person does not eat. And then for 8 hours, a person is allowed to eat but not constantly eating. A bit of control. Anyway, since being diagnosed with prediabetes and then diabetes full blown, I believe it is one way to get the body back on course. However, I find not eating at my regular hours a bit of a struggle. I guess, the idea is to give the body a chance to rest from eating so much. Everything in moderation??
July 31, 2024 at 10:24 pm #435675Helcat
ParticipantHi Lulu
Well done on losing the weight. No wonder you were scared about being morbidly obese, you wanted to live a healthy life. But it sounds like you don’t have much more weight to lose.
Part of the reason your weight has plateaued is because you’re not eating enough. So whatever you do eat now your body is trying to retain. It is a tricky balance losing weight. Calories need to be reduced enough to lose weight, but not too much or your body goes into starvation mode which causes it to desperately try to preserve weight.
Like back in the olden days when people were hunter gatherers and if they ran out of food they had to rely on their weight to survive. So when food is sporadic, the body’s new goal is to keep weight on. Does that make sense to you?
The thing is that you are young and still growing, it is hard to continue to grow if you don’t eat enough food. There is also a minimum amount of calories that should be eaten in a day and going under that is just as unhealthy as morbid obesity. People are not just worried about an eating disorder, they are also worried about your health. Eating disorders can kill. Once you get to your goal weight if the behaviour doesn’t stop and you continue this pattern you will quite literally potentially die in a few years. Once fat stores are used, the next thing that your body does is start eating your muscle. Your heart is made of muscle, now you see why eating disorders can be so dangerous?
Your original plan of eating once a day was working, your current plan of eating once every other day is not working. Why do you want to continue a course of action that isn’t getting you closer to your goal weight?
Why are you critical of yourself at your current weight? It seems like despite feeling better about your current weight, your mind hasn’t quite absorbed that you are no longer your old weight.
You are afraid of going back to your old weight. I think that it is amazing that you have achieved this through willpower alone, some people cannot. Now you know that you have it in you to manage your weight. Let that sink in. You can do this! You don’t need to be afraid of that anymore.
Now, all you really need to do is figure out how to have a healthier relationship with food in a way that you can still manage your weight. This is ultimately the goal for health. You are a smart young woman, I know that you can figure this out!
Learn about more about healthy nutrition, exercise and weight loss, experiment and see what else works for you. You are young and there are many things that you haven’t tried yet. Keep an eye on your weight while you experiment and if you start gaining go back to your one meal a day, get to a weight that you are comfortable with then do another experiment with healthy eating. Try to find the perfect balance for maintaining good health. Explore and start to feel more confident about how you want to eat and manage your weight.
I like to eat, so my favourite method of weight loss when I was younger was simply to run for 45 minutes to an hour every day. It burns a lot of calories in a fairly short space of time. The more vigorous the exercise, the more calories burned in the least amount of time is the general rule.
Eating junk food tends to make me gain weight more than anything else. Portion sizing also helps. Many people simply eat too large a meal portion. Some people find getting a smaller bowl or plate helpful for gauging portion sizing.
What I liked to do when dieting was switch out chips (super high in calories) for salted popcorn (super low in calories). My bug bear was chocolate, brownies, cookies that kind of thing. The method I liked best was restricting the volume of how much I was eating of that. I treat myself every day but only to a small amount. I learned how many calories was in these things and I figured that I could eat about 200 calories of sweet stuff a day if I managed my diet well. I I’m not really a soda person so I just didn’t drink it at all to save calories. I started out by cutting up brownies and cookies and putting them in the freezer to dissuade me from eating them immediately.
Nowadays, I have a method which is just eating healthier versions of foods I crave. So if I want chocolate, my body wants sugar and fat. I eat nuts and dried fruit instead or drink a protein shake. I do still eat some sweets but not every day anymore.
I don’t know what your favourite foods and drinks are when you’re not fasting?
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
July 31, 2024 at 10:45 pm #435677Helcat
ParticipantI just remembered about fries. They are very high in calories. A burger, not as high in calories as you would expect, 300-400. The reason a meal comes out to 1000 calories is the fries. If the fries are not amazing, it is literally a waste of calories that could be spent on something more enjoyable.
I think trying new foods is important too. Ideally, you want to develop new healthy favourites so you don’t feel like you’re missing out by dieting.
July 31, 2024 at 10:59 pm #435678Helcat
ParticipantSplitting food is also super helpful if you’re going out and portion sizes are massive. My old job had free doughnuts but they’re 500 calories for 1. Literally a quarter of a days worth of calories. Splitting the doughnut with a coworker who also wanted a nice treat while watching her weight. Totally achievable 1/8th of a days calories. Score!
July 31, 2024 at 11:20 pm #435679Lulu
Participant[quote quote=435678]Splitting food is also super helpful if you’re going out and portion sizes are massive. My old job had free doughnuts but they’re 500 calories for 1. Literally a quarter of a days worth of calories. Splitting the doughnut with a coworker who also wanted a nice treat while watching her weight. Totally achievable 1/8th of a days calories. Score![/quote]
Yeah, I use small bowls to split up my meals. It does wonders and it makes getting full easier since I’m not just wolfing down food.
July 31, 2024 at 11:48 pm #435680Lulu
ParticipantHi Helcat. Thanks for all the well thought out messages. Believe it or not, I’m reading each and everyone of them with deep consideration.
“The thing is that you are young and still growing, it is hard to continue to grow if you don’t eat enough food. There is also a minimum amount of calories that should be eaten in a day and going under that is just as unhealthy as morbid obesity. People are not just worried about an eating disorder, they are also worried about your health. Eating disorders can kill. Once you get to your goal weight if the behaviour doesn’t stop and you continue this pattern you will quite literally potentially die in a few years. Once fat stores are used, the next thing that your body does is start eating your muscle. Your heart is made of muscle, now you see why eating disorders can be so dangerous?”
I didn’t think of it like that. I just don’t want people to treat me like I’m wrong for wanting to lose weight when I was fatter and they did say anything.
“Your original plan of eating once a day was working, your current plan of eating once every other day is not working. Why do you want to continue a course of action that isn’t getting you closer to your goal weight?”
It’s taking a bit but Alternate Day Fasting has been working. It was one meal a day I hit a stagnation because I think my body was used to it. It’s really frustrating that I’m not losing weight as quickly as I used to, but I just have to be patient.
“Why are you critical of yourself at your current weight? It seems like despite feeling better about your current weight, your mind hasn’t quite absorbed that you are no longer your old weight.”
It’s always scary but a lot of people have rebounds and relapsing in their weight. I’ve worked very hard, and I really don’t want it to be for nothing.
“Eating junk food tends to make me gain weight more than anything else. Portion sizing also helps. Many people simply eat too large a meal portion. Some people find getting a smaller bowl or plate helpful for gauging portion sizing.”
I heavily agree with you. I was snaking way too much.
I really need to start exercising like you mentioned. It would give me a bit more leniency on the amount of calories I consume. I’d also build muscle faster as well, and perhaps my family wouldn’t be so worried.
August 1, 2024 at 1:28 am #435681Helcat
ParticipantHi Lulu
I believe that you are considering things! You are a very intelligent and thoughtful person.
You are not wrong for wanting to lose weight, you’re not at your goal yet and it is a healthy goal.
People are just getting more concerned for you as you further restrict your eating because it can affect health. Some people however, can be jealous of weight loss when they have difficulties with their own weight.
I mentioned an extreme situation long term situation beforehand, but there are more immediate effects of severe fasting regimes.
Constipation, which prevents toxins from leaving the body and damages your digestive and nervous system. Hair loss. Fainting. Nutritional deficiencies. Infertility issues. Fatigue and anxiety to name a few.
1600 calories a day minimum are needed for a 16 year old girl to stay out of starvation mode. Even this is not recommended long term. 1800 calories per day is considered healthier.
Sorry for misunderstanding. So the 1 meal a day fasting was working initially, then stopped working as your body entered starvation mode and then you tried to improve your weight loss by eating even less.
The bottom line is if you are not losing weight when you’re eating a minimum of 1600 calories you are not active enough. In that case, it is hard to lose weight without increasing activity levels.
It is good to hear that you are interested in exercising more to give yourself some leeway with eating. Running for 1 hour a day burns 700 calories. It basically burns a large meal worth of calories. That’s why it was my favourite as the hungry beaver that I am. 😂
Protein helped me a lot to manage hunger and build muscle. Another thing that helped me was to go pescatarian which is like vegetarian but you still eat fish. By restricting the kinds of food I was eating it helped me to not wildly eat what I wanted. Not saying that you should do the same. Just that we all have our unique ways and preferences. You just need to find the stuff that works best for you.
I don’t think that you want to hurt yourself Lulu, but if this isn’t really about health it is important to consider what this is really about.
Honestly, weight fluctuating is a normal part of life and happens for many reasons. You have the key component for managing your weight. Willpower! You will never lose that, it is a part of who you are. I mean, what you have achieved is impressive. You could not do that if you were lacking in will power. But you can learn to apply your willpower in healthier ways.
Some fasting regimes are considered healthy such as intermittent fasting. But you would still need to hit the minimum calorie requirement in the period where you allow yourself to eat. There is a lot of good advice online.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 1, 2024 at 9:15 am #435697anita
ParticipantThis reply has been reported for inappropriate content.
Dear Lulu:
“Last year, I was morbidly obese, weighing in at 218 at 5’4 at 16… in July 31st, I officially weigh 139. My goal weight is 125 and I can’t wait to meet it“- congratulations for losing 79 pounds and moving from a BMI of 37.4 to a BMI of 23.9!
A healthy BMI is between 17.5 and 25.7 (very well health. com/ body health index), and you are within a healthy BMI range, very well done, Lulu!
“My mom is hounding me. She says that the way I’m losing weight is indicative of an eating disorder“- I am guessing that she didn’t say this when you were overweight, but she is saying it now that you are within a healthy BMI. Am I correct?
“Now I’m losing weight, improving my health, finally feeling CONFIDENT about my body, my family is telling me I shouldn’t go about losing weight like how I am“- here is what I think may have been happening: in the process of losing weight, you experienced the euphoric feelings involved in successfully losing weight: the joy of seeing a smaller and smaller number on the scale, the joy of seeing yourself in the mirror more and more to your satisfaction, the joy of wearing smaller and smaller-size clothes, the joy of receiving compliments from people, the joy of success: joys that you didn’t experience before. Joys you want more and more of..?
These euphoric feelings accompany the process of losing weight, not the destination (having arrived at goal weight). And so, a person can get addicted to the process, so to re-experience the euphoric feelings even at goal weight or below goal weight. When a person continues efforts to lose weight at normal or below normal weight, that’s an eating disorder.
What do you think of my explanation?
“I don’t wanna anger my family, but I also don’t wanna gain the weight back, and so far, nothing works as effectively as fasting for me. What should I do?“- best if you can see a medical doctor or a nurse practitioner so to get checked (blood work and such), review your fasting practice with the professional, and make recommended adjustments to it.
A healthy BMI for you is between 17.5 and 25.7. Your BMI is 23.9, the higher end of healthy. You can lose more if you’d like, so to arrive at your goal weight. I would moderate my efforts, in your place, moderate and adjust the fasting routine to a slower rate of weight loss.
As far as exercise, I much prefer fast walking to running because it’s easier on the knees/ joints, and it has the same health benefits as running, as far as I know (you can research that, if you’d like).
anita
August 2, 2024 at 2:35 pm #435758Roberta
ParticipantDear Lulu
Congratulations in being proactive over your health and succeeding in bringing your BMI into the healthy range.
Helecat & Anita have given you much sound advice & information.
I am sorry that your family is not supportive of your efforts. Maybe you could ask them what they would do to achieve and maintain a healthy body & weight? This might actually get them thinking rather than just criticizing. If you are eating health giving foods and not empty junk food and exercising moderately rather than excessively, then ask them ‘what are their fears ?’
I wish you a happy & healthy life.
Roberta
August 2, 2024 at 2:59 pm #435761Lulu
Participant“Congratulations for losing 79 pounds and moving from a BMI of 37.4 to a BMI of 23.9!
A healthy BMI is between 17.5 and 25.7 (very well health. com/ body health index), and you are within a healthy BMI range, very well done, Lulu.”
Thank you! I worked very hard to get this far and I’m still working on it. Some days are easier than others, but I haven’t quit yet.
“here is what I think may have been happening: in the process of losing weight, you experienced the euphoric feelings involved in successfully losing weight: the joy of seeing a smaller and smaller number on the scale, the joy of seeing yourself in the mirror more and more to your satisfaction, the joy of wearing smaller and smaller-size clothes, the joy of receiving compliments from people, the joy of success: joys that you didn’t experience before. Joys you want more and more of..?”
It’s a mix of all of them. I’ve been overweight for an incredibly long time Anita, throughout middle and high-school. And while I wasn’t exactly bullied, it was clear that people were uncomfortable with my size since I was one of the few black girls there, let alone a fat black girl. On top of doing it for health and fear of developing issues, I wanted to feel better about being in my own skin. I wanted to as least feel the same as everyone else who’s a smaller size.
“When a person continues efforts to lose weight at normal or below normal weight, that’s an eating disorder.”
I’m less worried about this because I do in fact have a goal weight and intentions to maintain that weight once I reach it. I don’t feel like it’s just aimless weight loss, I’ve set that goal when I was around 180 and now 40 pounds later, it hasn’t changed. Not saying I’m not concerned, but I do have a game plan.
“I am guessing that she didn’t say this when you were overweight, but she is saying it now that you are within a healthy BMI. Am I correct?”
The thing is that she hounded me when I overeat as well. I truly don’t feel as though I’m underrating. I don’t exactly count calories, but the days where I do eat, I eat until I’m nice and stuffed, go the gym the following day, and it keeps me satisfied. The only time I feel hungry is when I’m fasting, any other time, I make my meals from home rather than eating out, have watery sugar drinks, or low calorie sweets if I have a sweet tooth. I typically lose five pounds every two weeks now that I’m around a healthy weight whereas before, it was around ten pounds every two/three weeks. I know the weight loss is slowing down because I’m smaller and burn less calories, but I switched from OMAD to AF because I felt like I didn’t have enough time between meals.
“Best if you can see a medical doctor or a nurse practitioner so to get checked (blood work and such), review your fasting practice with the professional, and make recommended adjustments to it.”
I had a physical examination on the 25th of July for college, and the doctor said that all of my levels are normal whereas before, my blood sugar and cholesterol were abnormally high. Back when I was 209, the doctors said that I should start looking to lose weight for my health. I’m genetically likely to have diabetes since the women on my dad side usually do and because I was only one from my mom’s side who’s obese, it felt like it was just a matter of time.
”
A healthy BMI for you is between 17.5 and 25.7. Your BMI is 23.9, the higher end of healthy. You can lose more if you’d like, so to arrive at your goal weight. I would moderate my efforts, in your place, moderate and adjust the fasting routine to a slower rate of weight loss.
As far as exercise, I much prefer fast walking to running because it’s easier on the knees/ joints, and it has the same health benefits as running, as far as I know (you can research that, if you’d like).”
I did research and 125 at 5’4 would put me at a BMI of 22, which is right in the middle and I think works best for me. I don’t want to go under it because I know how my body is and my brain would have issues with being underweight as people tend to.
As far as exercise, I enjoy treadmill running on maximum incline at a speed of 3 for an hour. It makes me thighs sore, but I do enjoy it. I also like bike training, and weight lifting occasionally, but usually, the elliptical with maximum resistance or incline with maximum incline is good enough for me. I’ll definitely start incorporating some walks in there since I’m definitely a walking person.
The thing is, my mom has always pushed me to make healthy decisions. She warned me before I became overweight about the importance of eating healthy, and it felt like it went one ear and out the other. And as a result, there was the obesity. The issue wasn’t even necessarily that I just overeat, it was like I didn’t exercise at all. I eat, would drown myself in homework and reading because I didn’t feel good about myself. I’m sure I’ve said this, but I have major depressive disorder/generalized anxiety disorder and it worse during this times especially.
Now that I’m older and my mental illnesses have sort of calmed, I’m able to lose weight more essentially.
My mom wants me to eat in small meals while exercising, but my brain automatically wants to binge. My mom doesn’t want me to “starve myself for two days and then pig out on one day.”
Fasting helps me curb the binge while also just being easier for me to do mentally. Calorie counter every single day doesn’t work for me, hasn’t in the past and I doubt it will now.
I understand where my mom is coming from. I know she wants the best for me. I don’t doubt her love for me. But I also know that the way I’m going about losing weight is what I prefer and it feels like no matter how I do things, there’s always a problem. I just wanna get to a healthier weight and feel good physically and mentally. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.
August 2, 2024 at 3:12 pm #435762Lulu
Participant“I am sorry that your family is not supportive of your efforts. Maybe you could ask them what they would do to achieve and maintain a healthy body & weight? This might actually get them thinking rather than just criticizing. If you are eating health giving foods and not empty junk food and exercising moderately rather than excessively, then ask them ‘what are their fears ?”
Thank you Roberta, for your sympathy. I understand logically WHY my family is worried. If my daughter wasn’t eating for a day or two, perhaps I would be in the same boat. My mom actively said she wants me to count calories and do small meals every single day rather than going cold turkey until it’s the day I’m able to break my fast. She thinks my mindset toward eating is incorrect I argued that we as humans don’t need food everyday and that’s when we started to argue.
My mom’s afraid that I’m going to go the other direction. She warned me before I got fat what the consequences were going to be and I didn’t listen. Now she feels as though I’m going to go in the opposite direction and become anxoreic, which I just don’t see happening. I don’t know how to change her mind that I won’t yoyo when I already got obese in the past against her warnings.
August 3, 2024 at 2:54 am #435773Helcat
ParticipantHi Lulu
You agree that you would be worried if your daughter didn’t eat for a couple of days. This isn’t just a couple of days. You are minimising what you are doing in your mind. This is your long term chosen dieting method. The concern that your mother has for you is serious and it is for your health.
People don’t need to eat every day. They can not eat anything for about a month and then they die. By only eating one meal every other day, you are only eating a tiny fraction of the amount you are supposed to be consuming for good health. You are already choosing not to eat 50% of the time, then on the days that you are eating your calorie intake is still below the recommended daily intake. My guess from what you’ve said is that you are eating overall only 25% of the calories that you are supposed to be. Your mother is worried for you, for a very good reason.
The reason that people can not eat for a period of time is that the body consumes itself. Where do you think nutrients such as calcium come from? Your heart, muscles and nerves need calcium every day to function properly. Where do you think it is coming from if not from your diet where you only eat 25% of your calories. Calcium not derived from diet is taken from your bones and your teeth. If this fasting dieting method continues, your bones and teeth will weaken. These effects aren’t immediately noticeable. But can lead to serious health problems in the future such as osteoporosis which means that your bones are more likely to break.
All of the things I’ve told you are facts. Your mother is worried based on facts. You don’t understand the depth of the decision you are making because you are not educated enough about health. I’m sorry if this is hard to hear, it is just the truth. This dieting method leaves you only 25% of the recommended intake of calories away from death. What do you think that is doing to your health? The truth is that you are simply eating enough to not immediately die.
Did you know that binge eating is an eating disorder? You already have an eating disorder. This is another reason why your mother is scared. Being overweight is unhealthy. But anorexia kills people much more quickly than being overweight does. The risk of you developing anorexia is very high because you already have an eating disorder.
My recommendation is that you should listen to your mother. Put your ego to one side. Try to learn about health from your mother. She seems like she knows a lot about it.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 3, 2024 at 9:38 am #435784anita
ParticipantDear Lulu:
“I had a physical examination on the 25th of July for college, and the doctor said that all of my levels are normal whereas before, my blood sugar and cholesterol were abnormally high“- that’s good news, that all your levels are normal, and it’s a recent test, good!
“As far as exercise, I enjoy treadmill running on maximum incline at a speed of 3 for an hour“- this is a very heavy-duty workout, very hard on your knees/ joints, especially for a person with some excess weight.
“I’ll definitely start incorporating some walks in“- a healthier, safer choice than the above.
“My mom wants me to eat in small meals while exercising, but my brain automatically wants to binge… Fasting helps me curb the binge… while also just being easier for me to do mentally… My mom actively said she wants me to count calories and do small meals every single day… she feels as though I’m going to go in the opposite direction and become anorexic“- the method of losing weight needs to be tailored to the individual who is trying to lose weight and maintain the loss. It needs to fit the person’s needs, preferences, inclinations, habits etc. What may work for your mother is not likely to work for you, and vice versa.
Best that you and your mother visit a health care professional with expertise on the topic, and discuss concerns (yours and hers), so that you and your mother are on the same page.
Her emotional support is important to you, and conflict with her is troubling to you. A 3rd person’s input (a professional’s) can make things much better for you.
anita
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