Hello i’m kinda new to this form ive read serveral topics before i finaly register.

I am realy lost in live, if i stay positive i become egocentric and arrogant. But if i stay negative i’m all by myself i reject to talk to people even my parents. I want to feel happy but i am just realy lost ive tryed serveral religous things like praying or meditation. But non of that helped… to understand what i feel i need you to listen or read my story.

My name is wesley since the age of 5 i was bullied because i was pale ( realy white skinned) they trew stuff at me.they also hit me and called me terrible things during and after class. At home my brother hit me serveral times a day and my mom did nothing to realy stop it she said serveral times to my brother that he has to stop hitting me but that dindt help. it stopped when i moved out at the age of 16. But that story ill tell you later in this story of my live. When i was 11 i moved to another part of town where my friends dindt live so i did not have anyfriends at all so i found out about msn and a game called habbo hotel where i met lovely people even a girl wich still is in my live ( as a friend ) mean while in the same year i moved to another school highschool..
Nobody there realy liked me so i diceded to defend my self and be on my own. in the breaks between classes i hanged out with people from my class but they often bullied me but i have learned that i deserved it and that it will never go away. At the age of 15 i met this wonderfull girl she had a great smile she was realy lovely even now sometimes i just wich i could hugg her and cry everything out. but her best friend told her to stay out of my life and to ignore me. because before i met that girl i had alrealy talked to her best friend for a month. we knew eachother well and talked almost everyday so she knew me very well.. i wass depressed i had no reason to live and i tought about suicide almost everyday.. until i became 16 that year was a living hell for me ive lost the girl of my live ( the one i told you about the one i would love to hugg and just cry everything out ) i realy loved her i texted her everymorning a goodmorning beautifull text or princess or i wrote a poem but she still ignored me after a few months i gave up i give it all my strengt. I stopped going to school because i knew it would be just another day where i would be bullied. In december i attempted to cut my troat when i was home alone but i felt so weak that i had no strengt at all to do it.. ive already been to a person who said he could help me but he said everytime that i should stop smoking becauze my eyes where red from crying and not from smoking i never touched weed in my life and i never would i dont even smoke ciggarets or tabaco. So they said that they want me to transfer to a camp where i should be kept until i lost me depression or to move in with my dad wich i had never seen in 9 years.. so they contacted my dad and told him what was going on he agreed to let me move in with them.. the next year 2013 i had a nee school where i got friends and all but there was still the down side my teacher said i couldnt reach college because i wasnt realy smart i dissproved him and got into college where i found contact again with the same girl i loved and still loved 2 years ago i told her how i felt but she answered do you realy think you have a change look at how ugly you are and that destroyed me from the inside and outside i started cutting my self i bought alcohol and drunk it untill i puke i wass fallen back into the old me and that day really changed me.. 2 years later i still was in college had made new friends to hang out and game with but each person i knew left me in the 2 years ive kept everyone i knew i my heart even the people who bullied me when i was 5 years old why i dont know i kept telling myself that everyone has something good in themselfs not only darkness.. i helped a girl who had a nude picture send to her then boyfriend. I pushed her to the point that she would tell her parents about what happend ( her ex boyfriend then treathend her to set it on the internet if she dindy send him more so i told her to tell it to her parents or at least her twin sister to start with or i would tell her parents about what happend.. about a month later she finally did it and told her parents i had stood by her side for almost a year and helped her with her depression and bouilimmia but then months later she said that we have grown appart but she was ignoring me but one day she told me that we should go on our own pad but i wanted to protect her from everything i wanted to solve every problem that she self could not fix but she ignored me and walked away.. months later she got a boyfriend after all the days she said i wont get a boyfriend i am ugly and so on but ive kept telling her that she is beautifull in every way she is so i talked to her and asked how things where going everything was better she was happy and i was happy fot her that she finaly found peace. But deep inside me my mind said that only happend because you was not in her live so i assumed that if i stay in someones live i make realy terrible but i dont have any memmory of doing a bad thing ive helped serveral people over the world tongive them a gilnce of hope and that there is someone who is there for him or her i accepted everyone even if they murderd someone..
I would talk to them a give them hope that someday they would find peace them selff and be happy. at the age of 20 the present day still think about the girl i loved so much i still wish that i am going to meet her again or just to see her walking in the streets just a gilmps of the person i realy love would give me a spark of hope but that hasnt happend in almost 2 years. So now i am lost i havent slept properly i havent eaten all day or realy drink.something because at this moment i only see darkness and that it does not matter how many people ill help there will never be light again ive really lost hope… everynight before i goto sleep i wish to see the love of my life again or just to never wake up and be dead to finally be in my dream a big gaint lake surrounded by mountains and forrest.. and a cabbin only serveral 100 meters away from the lake..

I am realy lost…