I’m angry that my ex treated me  so bad and there hasn’t been justice. I’m angry he gets away with it. I was angry he didn’t care how he hurt me, he enjoyed hurting me it made him smile. With my friend, I never got angry with her for years. We had a wonderful friendship for a few years and she was a great support. I became angry and resented that she only responded me to me when it was convenient to her, disrespected and used me, never answered when I needed someone in my worst times, lied to me. I brought this up multiple times and she always blamed me, cursed at me. I go back and forth, she hurt me a lot but I occasionally still have good times with her and don’t know who else to go to. But I know ultimately it’s been a pattern and she will probably turn on me again

For example, she lied to me saying she was in another state when she was supposed to go to court with me. I asked her about this and she acts like she has no idea what I’m talking about in person but later on in texts apologizes yet the next court date, told me she couldn’t go because she needed to get a tattoo. When she is dating someone, she ignored me when I was suicidal and reached out for help. Didn’t hear from her except when she needed something. i told her how it makes me feel, she cussed me out over text. Yet when she breaks up she tells me how much she needs me, apologizes and wants me to live with her again. It’s like I am just here when she is bored or depressed she LOVES me, and I fall for it every time. She invited me to a concert recently, which I was not planning on going to. Last minute I agreed to go. She ignored me and turned away from me to talk with other friends and exclude me. She mocked me and avoided me when I knew no one else there. I thought “why did she beg me to come if she wanted to treat me like this? I made some new friends, holding back tears the whole night. The second I walked away from them, she yelled at them without reason. She always talked shit about my friends and family, even when I would tell her they have not done anything to me and I care about them. Lately I do not even enjoy being around her anymore. When she says nice things about me, I think of how many times I’ve cried the past couple years because she’s done a lot of other mean things to me, stolen, dishonest, disrespectful of my things, did nothing and partied when I OD’d. I think, “how can she say these nice things to me but treat me like this?” She never even validated my feelings when it was really hard to bring up how I felt. I want to let go. But I know I will have to get through this loneliness and depression and find my own way, but I do want to do it. I will be better for it and happier with new people. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist coming up. Therapy and being able to talk to those few people I know will validate my feelings is getting me through, my family and friends never did this. My family is better now, but I know I need more connection then them, especially because they sometimes fall into the same patterns again. I will try to post here and talk instead of going back to this friend when I feel lonely and confused. I talked a lot about her with my therapist, sharing more of the past years with her and she was concerned and said she seems abusive

I just feel like I can’t do this sometimes. It’s like the world is against me. I give my everything to people just to get taken advantage of and thrown away

I have had a really bad day. It’s been hard to lose so many important people in my life this year. And I have so much love for my mom that she doesn’t always show back. I need to stop laying around and letting the depression consume me. I want to make progress I want to move forward. It just feels like I have nothing left to hold on to right now and no direction either. my mother decided I can’t live at her house yesterday because I show anger, which apparently isn’t allowed in our family. I begged my ex friend to at least hangout for a little last night but she said she’d rather go out to a bar with her brother. I just thought what has my life come to, it’s the middle of the night and I have no where to go and no one to turn to and no one who cares. It’s hard to keep going

Recently my anger has cooled. I feel pretty numb now though, I think my anger is really pain for all the times I’ve been hurt. I have a lot of empathy for these people who seem to not have it for me. It’s like no matter what I do I can’t get them to care about me. It makes me cry when I hear my mom crying in her room because her boyfriend is not always nice to her. I feel like I need to make her happy and help her. Yet she allowed so much abuse to happen in my childhood that I would beg her to do something about because I had no control. It’s like I cannot see her in a bad light, but she has no problem with knowing I’m hurting or treated me unfairly. I’ve felt worthless my whole life, my family has always made me feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel like I need to take a break from them and find my own support but I feel so deeply that I am not good enough for anyone and settled for a few abusive relationships – I thought I was lucky that they “loved me”. I guess I thought that was the best I could get – abuse