Dear Andrew:

Am I understanding correctly:

your mother told lies about you to a priest, trying to prevent your happy marriage from taking place. Following that you didn’t talk for a couple of years. To smooth things over you apologize to her for… her wrongdoing.

After your marriage you visited your mother you… displeased her by sharing that you didn’t intend to have kids. Again, she is angry with you and there is no talking. And again, you are considering smoothing things over and apologize to her in a letter.

If I am correct, smoothing things over will, I believe,  alleviate “this horrible feeling” and give you some peace for a little while. Until next time you displease your mother.

When you  left England eleven years ago to “get away from some old negative past issues”- you got a break, but the past is with you as long as you keep visiting your family members who present these negative issues, your mother, for one; as long as you communicate with them, and as long as you still need them to be okay with you.

anita

Hello Andrew,

I hope that by the time you read my response, you and your wife are well on the way to a happier life. This is a most troubling situation and unfortunately fear and guilt are a very common manipulation tactic used by family members who cannot/will not respect the life you have chosen. This can be observed in many cultures and religions. The choice that you and yours made to not have children is just as legitimate as choosing to have children. Surely you must know that your decision to not have children is easily construed by social and cultural morés as an immoral violation of what others believe. This reaction is not your fault nor is it a reflection in anyway of your character. It is a reflection by people who use guilt, fear, and manipulation as a way to deny your individuality as a human being. It is an attempt to dismantle your personal constitution for the purpose of molding you to their beliefs without regard to your right to establish yours. Having said that, as long as you look into the rear view mirror of your life and see bad memories, it does not serve you well to import those memories to the present, the here and now. Doing so is only biting on the hook of fear, guilt, and manipulation thereby allowing your family members to reign you in allowing them continued control over your. I have lived through the very same thing with my family. A very long time ago I realized their intentions and decided to make a conscientious decision to no longer accept that. As a result, they have pretty much disowned me in spite of a number of attempt I made to make things better. I have been immensely happy taking control of my life. But the fact that they disowned me, I am very ok with that for it was their decision. I invite you to reject their antiquated, ineffective tactics, and live the happy life that you deserve. Hopefully they will respect the person that you are, and respect your individuality, and find that their ways are destructive and embrace a more positive way to view things. What happened in the past, is only that, events in the past. They are not representative of the here and now, unless you bite that hook, in which case you will be prevented to live your life as you want to live it. It will be a life of someone else’s design, not yours. Should they continue with their immature tirades, know that is a decision they will make. It is not yours to own. Take control of your life my good friend. Live your life with the personal constitution that you create and not by the dictates of others. The only time I have on earth is measured between breaths, something that I, and nobody else is guaranteed. What you had to endure was once upon a time. Resign yourself to let go my friend. You will live a happier life while others will live by their decisions, whatever they may be. I wish you all the love, peace, and happiness that life has tooter, for an eternity longer than a lifetime. It is the least you deserve.

Pearce

Hey Andrew,

I just wanted to suggest perhaps looking over the resentments with each of your family members or others you are in conflict with to think about if perhaps you are being too harsh or are in the wrong in the relationship with one of them. You sound like a very passionate person. Maybe taking some time to reflect and put yourself in their shoes for a few minutes to think about how they might be thinking of you. And then if you decide that you are being to0 harsh, take some more time to of a way you can make things right with them. It doesn’t even have to be obvious — just a sentence tossed into a conversation to let the person know that you care and want to make things right.

Also, mindfulness practice (not lingering on a troubling thought) and searching for cool things to do (Google and Yelp) can help with the boredom and maybe even some anxiety. Just finding ways to relax and not have your mind on all these things bothering you, then focusing again when they do.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Mark.