Dear Angel:

You are currently studying for a major exam and you are experiencing your first, month long relationship with a man who is done with his schooling and has a job that he enjoys.

Your first date with him was nice but cut short because you had to attend something urgent. You set a second date. At the end of the second date, he told you that he was in love with you. He explained to you that he had a two years relationship before, that he knows what love feels like, and that what he felt with you was “a lot stronger than anything he’s ever felt before”.

You then explained to him, as I understand it, that you were hurt before by letting people in too fast, having been too loyal to people to the point of overlooking their flaws, and therefore, you will be careful with your feelings in regard to him. He told you that he has no expectations that you will return his feelings, advised you to take your time, told you how amazed he is that someone like you is with him, and that he is afraid that you “will just leave him after getting bored”. He told you later that “he didn’t want a physical relationship too fast because he was afraid” that you would leave him after.

He has been “nothing but respectful and careful” with you, calm and patient, goes out of his way to make plans for the two of you, being considerate of your time as you are currently studying for a major exam, he encourages you to keep your feelings protected “because he knows how much it hurts”, and he told you that you will be the one deciding the speed of the relationship.

One night he called you when he was drunk and told you that “culture and family limit him from doing things he enjoys and he has ended up sacrificing his happiness for them”. You also figured from his stories that “he has been used by people for his money before and that is a concern his family has for anyone he dates”. You are concerned that “his culture and his family have a lot of control over what his life looks like and they have a much more conservative and traditional view of life” than you and your family, and that being so motivated to please his family, if the relationship progresses, he “would be caught between pleasing ‘two sides'”, and you don’t know if you want to be a part of such a situation.

You were cautious about sharing your life stores with him and he was comfortable sharing his, being very involved in the stories he tells you, but now you are irritated that he talks so much that you don’t get a chance  to talk. Also, you are concerned that he doesn’t ask you questions often.

My input:

1. He reads like a good guy, considerate, respectful, accommodating, generous.

2. Maybe he talks so much because he thinks you don’t like to talk, because of your cautious nature. If you tell him that you want to talk as well, that you want to share your stores, but don’t get a chance, I am guessing that he will be more than willing to accommodate you.

3. Your concern regarding his emotional and financial investment in his family members/ others is valid. Considering a lifetime relationship, a marriage, you want a man who will be emotionally and financially invested in you, as you are in him. You want  a husband whose first priority is his chosen family, you and the children you may choose to have. If this is indeed very important to you (as it would be to me, if I was in your place), then get to  know more about his mindset on the matter. Ask him questions but not in a way that will alarm him. You want honest answers from him, not answers that he may give you because he is afraid that you will leave him.

It is a form of art, to ask a man you are involved in questions designed for information only, not questions designed to influence him or negotiate with him.

What he told you when he was drunk is very meaningful, and it is not a good thing. I imagine he is resentful for having sacrificed his happiness for others and being limited as a result.

Because this relationship is new, only a month old, I wonder if you can adopt the attitude of taking it very slowly with him, thinking of it as long term: no reason to rush, nowhere to rush to, no reason to figure out everything right now. Get to know him patiently, experiment (ex. tell him that you want to talk too, and then do  so, see how it feels and how he responds to your stories), and focus on your exam- which needs to be your number 1 priority at this point.

Is my input helpful to you?

anita

Dear Angel:

You are welcome. Regarding your example of the dietary restriction, it is a shame that he feels that he has to lie regarding what he eats outside in his own home. It is respectful that if they visit his home (for a short period of time),  he doesn’t put on the table/ anywhere visible foods that offend his parents. But it is not respectful to himself and to his future wife to lie about what he/ his wife eats, and to pretend to follow their dietary guidelines. It is not his parents’ business to choose what he eats, or what his wife eats.

When you asked him how he would deal with the situation, he “replied that he would not stop his partner but he would also not join her”- was he referring to a scenario where he is married, his parents visit, his wife eats the “forbidden food” and he doesn’t join her, or did he mean that his wife will tell them that she eats the “forbidden food” but he will not join you telling the truth?

anita

Dear Angel:

“I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable in thinking about these things so early on but these just seem like really big red flags to me and I don’t know if I should be careful or if I should even bother continuing”-

– I think that you are being reasonable to be thinking about these things. Lots of young women don’t think much and they pay a high price for it later. If they continue to have children with men they are not compatible with, the children will pay a high price as well.

This man is a nice guy, so I understand the attraction. Problem is that to be compatible with him, as he is, you will have to be as submissive as he is to his parents, meaning you will have to be okay with allowing his parents to set the rules for your life and the lives of your children.

Because you have the tendency you mentioned, to be too loyal to people and overlook their flaws, better you .. remove yourself now from the relationship, before you get in too deep, is my thinking at this point.

anita

Dear Angel:

No, I don’t think that you are being naïve. I think you are being cautious and optimistic, and that’s a good combination. He does have good qualities, and maybe he will rise up to the occasion- the occasion being, as I see it, that he really does have a high quality young woman in front of him. I suggest that you proceed with these two qualities: being cautious and optimistic.

When you explain your fears and concerns to him, make it as simple as possible, not too much at one time, so to give him the opportunity to truly understand what you are saying.

I hope you post an update regarding the conversation you are planning to have with him. Anytime you post, I will be glad to read from you and reply.

anita

Dear Angel,

Thou you are in dilemma of how you will handle this young man who was once in relationship with others of which he stated he knows very well thatrelationships are hurtful in humans life.  Reduce your speed,  go slowly,,,,  take your time first. Put him also on a simple exams not written exam but you just have to test him to see how serious he is.

On other hand,  God knows where you will go and who will marry you when you finish your studies. You are a green woman about where you will go in future. Treat him with total cares. Don’t let be curse. He is too serious with you now. Make him important too that will define him the role you are doing.

My advice is,  don’t leave your amazing boyfriend,,,,,  go for him and stay together in future. Also seek God for more blessings in this generation we are in. Sometimes we are too confused.

I wish to see you happy.

Gregory.

Hi Angel

So sorry to hear about the difficulties you experienced. Clearly, he became verbally abusive. It sounds like he has a drinking problem too. Do you remember when he started behaving this way in the relationship?

You mentioned before that you have a habit or ignoring signs of bad behaviour when you care about someone. This is something you must address for future relationships to be successful.

I have a question about your original concerns regarding the relationship, namely about his family’s influence on the relationship. Did this become an issue as you suspected?

My hope is that answering these questions will help answer yours.