Love or Infatuation?

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This topic has 15 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 6 months ago by tidalwave.

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June 23, 2017 at 4:23 pm #154744

tidalwave
Participant

He, the object of love or infatuation

and me, totally unexperienced in the relationships gal, that fell in this thing they call love so hard. Probably have a little сoncussion.

Our story started a decade ago. Our families were really close friends. But a really big conflict changed our relationships cordinally. They betrayed us . Money. It was hard, but we went through it.
This year when i was doing an abroad year he texted me per FB. I was really confused, after such a long time to recieve a message from him. So we wrote each other for 3 months.

Later, when i came back home we met. I was so nervous, couldn’t say a sentence. But we had something that just draw us closer and closer. Chemistry?

After some time he came to my town. I realised that we didn’t know each other at all. We’ve lived our lives in parallel words.So different. And we both understood it, but didn’t want to stop. And i caught myself thinking “I want to make him happy”. Nothing like i experienced before.

But there were things that made me really anxious. First of all the fact that i was in love with a person i barely knew. Secondly, he borrowed money from me. As we wrote each other earlier , he always told me how much he works. So i just couldn’t not “help” him. So i gave him money for his ticket home, because he ” Spend all his money for the ride to me”. Few times.

I was really afraid to tell my parents about this relationship because of the situation in past.But later i had no choice but to tell them, because they saw my It was really hard for me to see the fear in their eyes. “You know what they did to us”. So i started question myself “How could you so easily trust him?”…

“We tend to idealize our crushes.” But it didn’t feel like a ordinary crush to me. It was something bigger, that made me just trust him. But i didn’t lose my mind, i held everything in control. I had a clear mind that was telling me “keep an eye on him, he is acting strange.” His character, his charm, his mind , i looked up at these and told myself “Maybe it is worth trying. Wait, and you will see his identity”

But the problem was that i didn’r have much time to wait. In few weeks i will fly again abroad for studying and I dont know how long it will take.Few years.
So I decided to end up this relationship, because I knew that he will not wait, because he already said it to me. He is a “hedonist” said he once, he lives in the moment. So he wants me to be with him right now , right here. Everything or nothing.

I couldn’t afford it. Just after few weeks of writing and 2 dates to cancel all my plans that i bulided for a year.
I felt like a need time to get to know, he said it doesn’t reallz matters to him. He just wants me in his life, he sees a future with me.

Two weeks have passed now after our last “goodbye conversation”. I can’t call it a “break-up” because we didn’t really date.

It hurts. I miss him. I can’t concetrate on my studies. I am always thinking about it.
My first relationship, 2 weeks, 2 dates.
It changed my life.
But at the other hand the rational side of me is in a pure shock. How could it happen to me? So easily to fall in love? In absolutely wrong time?

Infatuation?
Love?

p.s
I don’t really know what i am expecting to hear from you. A push maybe. Advice.
An objective view?

and sorry about the mistakes in the text. not a native english speaker

June 24, 2017 at 6:57 am #154778

Eliana
Participant

Hi Tidea Janamori,

This unfortunately happens to many women on Facebook, Google plus, online dating sites, these men will say all these beautiful things to you to “woo” you, they will say how much they want to be with you, how much they need you, they want to spend the rest of their life with you. These men are very patient. It has also happened to me.

Once they know they ” have you” like infatuation, or falling in love, they will make up some strange stories, crisis or excuse and either ask you to wire them money, or even come and meet you, take the money, never to be seen again. This is called Catphishing, or the 411 Nigerian scam. Google it, to learn more about it, or go to scam watch dot org. These men prey on unsuspecting women who they feel are vulnerable, lonely. They tend to prey alot on middle aged women. I would be very careful about meeting men on Facebook, and please don’t give a man money, because you will never see that man or your money again. Its been all over the news. Facebook, is now trying to get “fake” profiles, and be more proactive about reporting scammers, but they are hard to catch, because they work in cyber cafes, and change their profiles about 20 times a day, steal other people pictures on the internet, and change their e-mail address. Be very careful..

June 24, 2017 at 10:27 am #154808
tidalwave
Participant
Thanks for answering.

But I don’t think that you really understood my post.

You are talking about Catfishes. He is not , because as i wrote it before , i know him for more than a decade! The problem wasn’t in his virtual and real identity. The problem was that he took money from me.

I am questioning myself . Does it look like pure infatuation or could it be love, and if it could, than maybe it is worth fighting for it…
- This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by tidalwave.
June 24, 2017 at 1:31 pm #154832
Eliana
Participant
Hi Tidea Janamori,

I’m truly sorry, if you felt I did not read your post well. There was a lot to it, and I did my best with the information I could. Even if it is not Catphishing, and no matter how long you knew him, you mentioned at the beginning of your post about family betrayal. And it has to do with money.

Then he took money from you, saying he needed it for travel expenses to come and see you, yet you state he is “financially secure”. You then stated your own family was concerned because you have him money, because of what happened with money in the past? Am I getting this right?

Whatever it may be, this man took money from you. No man should be taking money from a woman. Has he paid you back, or said he would pay you back? He then said “it was to come to see you”. If he really wanted to “see you” he would have used his own money. Alot of red flags on this man, that I see, I would be very careful about him, no matter how much in love you may be. Something is not adding up. However, I stand by my opinion, and am speaking from the heart. I am trying to help you, and I’m sorry if I offended you in any way. Maybe others will post that can give you different viewpoints. But if you are feeling doubtful, anxious, wary, I would say, trust your intuition and gut. I wish you all the best.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Eliana.
June 24, 2017 at 8:40 pm #154856

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Tidea Janamori:

This is from Wikipedia’s entry on infatuation: “Infatuation is the state of being carried away by an unreasoned passion… without insight or proper evaluative judgement, by blind desire”

You wrote about the relationship: “My first relationship, 2 weeks, 2 dates. It changed my life.”- these three things, that it is your first relationship, that it lasted such a short time, and that you believe it changed your life lead me to think this is you being carried away by passion.

What happened with his family and your family a decade ago give your infatuation a touch of Romeo and Juliet, doesn’t it?

anita

June 25, 2017 at 7:50 am #154888
tidalwave
Participant
To Eliana

Thanks for answering

He said he will pay the money back and gave me one of his credit cards. But after we had our last conversation I’ve said to him , that If you want to have your card back I will bring it to you. In his answer he didn’t say anything about the money. And later too. No words about money.

All the time, when i as with him i got that gut feeling that this is all wrong. That doesn’t look like me. But knowing his unhappy and hard life , problems with his family, about which I knew even before we started communicating, made me want to make him happy.When we were together I’ve had that feeling that he was happy with me. And thats why i’ve closed my eyes on every stop signals which my intuition gave me.

In his last message he wrote me for the first time that he loves me and somehow I didn’t have any doubt about it. But I guess having intentions like making him happy unconditionally is not enough to build a strong relationship.

I feel like that even after all the unpleasant things, that he did and said ( he often used abusive language and wrote me when he was drunk) I am not ready to give up on him.

What is wrong with me?

p.s Don’t worry. You didn’t hurt my feelings for a bit.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by tidalwave.
June 25, 2017 at 8:07 am #154894

tidalwave
Participant

To anita

Thanks for answering

The Romeo and Juliet story is indeed kinda similar to ours. We are young, our families hate each other. But I trust my parents , and I know, that they want only the best for me. They helped me to see more clearly this situation.

At one hand it feels like pure infatuation. But there was a thing that made me think that it is not just a crush.

When we were together I didn’t think about my feelings at first. I knew he had troubles in life and I wanted to make him a bit happier while giving him this closure and affection. This feeling made me happy too. But for a while…

With time I understood that he was really idealising me and our future. He felt good , but didn’t think about my feelings. And I don’t really made him feel that I don’t like what is going. But he often wanted to hear what I feel , and what I think about doing next. And i just was silent. And said nothing. Because my intuition gave me always a bad feeling but making him happy seemed more important…

The situation in past is not a story, which I really want to bring to the Internet. But what i can say – we trusted them and they betrayed us with money.

June 25, 2017 at 8:55 am #154908

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Tidea Janamori:

You are welcome.

He borrowed money from you, promising to pay it back, correct? If he does not do all that is in his power to return it to you, if he chooses to break his promise, that will give you evidence to his honesty or lack of. Then you can decide if “making him happy” still seems “more important” than your intuition, or more important than who it is that you are trying to make happy.

I suppose you experienced the exhilaration of loving someone, of wanting to make him happy. You will be able to do this again, to make a man you love happy. It may not be him, it may be someone else.

anita

June 25, 2017 at 9:45 am #154914

Eliana
Participant

Hi Tidea Janamori,

There is nothing wrong with you at all. You are just experiencing beautiful human feelings and emotions with someone you like very much, like we all do. I can’t say if he is the right or wrong man for you, because I don’t know him personally. But I think, it might make you feel better to make a decision if you really want a future with someone given everything you said about him. You had mentioned he gave you an ultimatum, it’s either his way or the highway, he has to have you now, or “bye”. That sounds like he has a very controlling and domineering nature.

Maybe, what might help is read over your posts and see the negative traits in him, that fuel your anxiety and doubts, and get out a peice of paper, make two columns. On the left, write “pros of a long term relationship with this man” and draw a line. On the right, write “cons with a long term relationship with this man, and put down everything you wrote in your posts to us. Perhaps this will give you more insight, and clarity. I really do wish you happiness with whatever you may decide, and a healthy relationship with a great man who values, respects and loves you.

June 25, 2017 at 1:31 pm #154936

tidalwave
Participant

To anita

I see your point. And I totally agree with it. Thank you

June 25, 2017 at 1:45 pm #154938

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, Tidea Janamori. Post again, anytime.

anita

June 25, 2017 at 1:49 pm #154940
tidalwave
Participant
To Eliana

Thank you for your advice. This situation has thrown me of my feet. Trying to move on. But.

He wrote me later that everything is my fault. That from the beginning I knew the outcome, that this relationship will not last. And I didn’t want to stop. So i have this bitter taste after all what happened.

I hate conflicts. And I feel like if i want to be in harmony with myself I need to be in harmony with others. So I’m constanly thinking to write him that I don’t want to have any negative relationship with him. But I don’t knwow how to do it right.
Is it worth it writing him one more time , or maybe when he is indeed just a selfish guy, using my love and money, I better not do it?
- This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by tidalwave.
June 25, 2017 at 2:41 pm #154946

Eliana
Participant

Hi Tidea Janamori,

I had a very wise person tell me once, and I have always stuck by it. If someone is rude to you,the best answer is: silence. Right now, he is being very hostile, and rude and there are no truth to his words ” that everything is your fault”. At this point, he is beyond any kind of nature rational conversation.

If you write to him, he will just write back to you wanting the last words and further accuse you of untrue things. I don’t know him, but he sounds like a very immature man who is incapable of any empathy or mature conversation. It is best, to just not deal with him any more and make yourself miserable. I know you may think you will miss him, and you may miss the emotional attachment, but looking back, I think you will know you did what was best for you, and see him for what he is really is, so you can finally move on. You do not deserve to be treated with disrespect, and belittled, manipulated and that is what he has been doing, and doing from the start. I hope he does not contact you again, so you can move on to a healthy man who lives close by and give you the respect, love and caring you deserve. Let some other poor soul deal with this man. I’m so sorry you had to go through this.

June 26, 2017 at 8:54 am #155064

tidalwave
Participant

To Eliana

Thank you a lot. Deep inside of me I hope that he may change, and we could try it one more time. But I guess I’m just afraid to be a bad person , that gives up on things so fast, which is not true…I understand my heart and at the same time I understand what my mind says, and it is totally agreeing with what you’ve said – to be silent, to move on. I appreciate your advice. And I will try to take this situation just as a good life lesson for me.

June 26, 2017 at 12:25 pm #155152

Macy
Participant

T idea Janamori

I first would like to say that you have received some real good advice from Anita and Eliana.

The smartest thing you can ever do is to listen to your gut feeling on something…your gut will never steer you wrong.

If a man ever wants to really see a woman, he will do whatever it takes to be with her…and not by taking your money, regardless if he would pay you back.

You said you wanted to make him happy…I don’t think it’s your responsibility to make anyone happy..it’s up to each individual to make their own happiness…however, once your in a good relationship…than its kind to do for the other as they would do for you.

When he blamed you and said it’s all your fault..I don’t like to hear a guy putting full blame on you..that is not right or fair.

Best wishes
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