Dear Anita,

I realize I posted this first in a different topic and did not delete properly. Now I have it only here!

Thank you so much for your response and personal anecdotes. I really appreciate someone and coming out and dissecting this and even giving their OWN personal information and experiences. I like that I am able to openly admit out loud that this isn’t just a nuisance, or “crazy wedding planning stress” or a bad week or month, this is a PROBLEM.
funny you said distance, for the FIRST time in my entire life my mother and I haven’t spoken to each other in days, and that may not sound like a big thing for some people – but our fight was so epic she told my sister and I to leave because she couldn’t take us harassing her anymore (we were all home for wedding planning, my fiance was outside). my fiance gets home and sees this all and sayd what happened – to which we say lets leave.

anyway clearly this is affecting everyone. sometimes i feel that she is a patient, and so should I not care for her as I do for other patients with patience and care (I am a physician). on the other side i see what is more disturbing is not her and her thoughts – but more me and what IVE become. how i feel distorted negative, and just plain off a lot, the more i’ve gotten older. that is a sign to me that as she gets worse, i get worse ( and my sister) and as above the damged is becoming mmore damaging.

she feels quite alone in the world, but these days has my dad as an alliance, more friends than 20 years ago, and lots of opportunity to stay busy. which i do feel better about, but with that was a lot of PROJECTIng.
MY Sister was home one day a year ago, and my mothers family friends were coming over and she says to my sister : maybe you should leave the house for a bit, we don’t want it to look like you’re home doing nothing to them. case in point, inability to focus on important things, she was so caught up in finally not being lonely anymore that now that she isn’t she wants to feverishly “make sure” my sister is not. and my sister was fine, she was a normal 23 year old at home without plans because she isn’t always extroverted. mmy mother created a lot of anxiety about friendships in her, especially bc she is 7 years my junior and so grew up in moree of that phase of life.
i was luckily to come out of adolescence relatively unscathed by a lot of it.

i find it extremely difficult to accept the only way to cope is to cut off ties, but it seems that may be the only solution. there is absolutely no reasoning with her, and now even my father for that matter – it seems they have morphed into one because a lot of their discord over the years has brought them close together in the “if we don’t stick together and stand up strong then who will.”

my younger sister suffers more than me shes 24, and finding it difficult to feel – are my parents this ill? wow how much have a struggled my whole life – she appears to have developed quite an anxiety disorder into teens and now – which i can attribute to genetics perhaps andd of course this up bringing.

i work so hard in career and personal life, stay fit, do yoga, have great friends – but funny thing is- my fiance mentioned it too – it always feels like there is sommething wrong – and now it makes sense – because there is – because I have lived a life around this sort of energy –of course there is something wrong!

hello anita,

you are as wise as ever, and i can not imagine what you went through for a struggle of 40 years. the sacrifice is all in vain – can that not be the best quote to symbolize this all. i am actually going to have my sister read some of this later/and even post in the near future as it will be beneficial.

my friend/only person who knows a little about this outside my parents sister and fiance– mentioned that she maybe acting out because she has severe fear of abandonment – whiich i do know is common in borderline personality disorder. this may be apart of it, and does make sense to a point.

few months ago – she had some terrible back pain (i and my father are doctors nothing that she doesn’t have resources for)
my father was there with her of course, and it was quite scary for her given that it is the first time she had an ailment (she is pretty young in her 50s). medical condition was managed, and of course there was still a ton of anxiety and dread on her end. fine, acceptable – and not like i don’t see this in my patientseveryday.

the kicker is- that weekend my sister came to visit me (she wasliving at home at the time with my parents)- for the weekend and for an interview. she leaves my mom friday night after my dad is home, to make sure she isnt alone in case her back gives out etc. saturday an interview. our mom calls us saturday evening, sounding quite distraught and says – so has your sister left yet to come back home here. i said yeah shes getting ready, mom goes on a rampage, you know this is quite serious, the two of you should know better – her interview was over hours ago, why didn’t she think to just come back straight away. i said mom, i get it, and we are there for you, but just bc it wasn’t immediate doesnt mean we dont care – it will take time and we know it isnt anything urgent as in emergency related.
she goes on about how parents do so much for kkids and when they finally need help, kids are nowheere to be found. then proceeds to tell us she told our aunt how disappointed she was with us that we werent there for her. i tell her i have my boards in a week or 2. she remarks, well you seem to have time to go out to dinner and all with your friends these days and hang with your sister this weekend – you couldn’t come home to help your mom. – you get the gist.

my sister and i felt such horror, guilt, and disgust. then that monday after the weekend passes my sister has returned home. she calls me at 7 am (i work early in the operating room). and says you know your dad and i were discussing, that at moments like that the kids should have come immediately – that really wasnt right and you should learn.

one example outside of anything to do with wedding etc.

you are so right about nature vs. nurture and our innate ability to sense fear. in fact i note around me how some of my friends have been told and taught to rise above, don’t succumb to wallow and sorrow – i never learned that. i always went along with the well of course i’m miserable – xyz happened, of course i’m sad, this person did this. never recognizing that (to a point) i had the ability to control the suffering, and that the amount of misery i endured was directly related to my thought process and emphasis.

the emphasis was always on the outside, which severely impacts me even at this age of 31. i recall a picture from disneyworld i looked at a while ago, smiling me at 5, and parents. the first thought isn’t oh wow thegood old days – it’s oh i remember my mom saying, “look at everyone else they are here with a big family, wouldn’t it be nice if we were too.” and of course i felt that, and continued to – and it made sense to me, my mom had been isolated and mistreated and yearned for “company” as she called it (company of others/friendships) her whole life, that it TOOK AWAy what we had. it’s like sitting at a dinner table of 4 and focusing on the 6 that didn’t make it – with that mindset nothing or no one could be enough.

issue is – how do you undo that – how do and my sister as adults train ourselves to know that is abnormal and aberrant thinking, and that it isn’t reality – that if another person or family had the same people at the table they would take it as grateful or just normal, but she would have taken it as sad.
i felt this was inevitable, of course this was the minddset, of course this was the approach, i remember explaining this to a young bf and telling him with wide eyes – well you know we were so lonely when i was a child because my familly (aunts and uncles) isolated her and us from holidays and all, so now the focus is on having people around, the more the merrier.
i recall how innocent that sounds, but yet so toxic…because it is the focus.

these days that is not her focus, but clearly damage has been done. i appreciate how humble you are about the disconnect. and you are right indian or not, cultured or not – patterns remain the same, we are all guilt stricken about our parents. i havven’t talked to her ina few days, and the last convo was – well what do you want me to do? call the wedding venue and cancel the wedding, tell me immediately? i said is that the concern or the fact that your daughter is sitting here telling you – you make her miserable for not just the wedding planning, but LIFE. she would not have it, i almost saw a shield go up around her and her brain instantly deflecting those comments. she responds – don’t you dare blame me, all i do is help, etc etc and it goes on.

i feel sad that i haven’t talked to her, but the first glimpses of knowing that i am put on this earth as a human, a child of someone nonetheless, but also someone who deserves happiness in my own right – i am seeing that although parents were loving and doting, they were toxic to my brain/thought process as a young child/and now as a adult. i don’t have to take this as just coming with the territory, i do have a choice – it’s just a matter of how.

we are planning a huge 500 person indian wedding for the fall, very common in my culture and community and very elaborate. family and parental issues are array during this time for many people and cultures. but i do know that this all has far to do with the wedding, she is simply utilizing it as sommething to fixate on and control

Thank you. I know I can go on about this for ever, and the examples are not necessarily the focus. I guess what I would like to learn from you. What are the ways you reminded yourself that this was all toxic, how did you cope with all the guilt, and what helped you make more healthy boundaries (once again boundaries under the pretense of tremendous guilt). This has begun to affect the health of my sister and I, although we are young and healthy – our quality of life is doomed is this remains a focal point. I don’t want any more of my sister’s 20s to disappear to toxicity as well – and also for the sake of sanity with and of my future husband and children as you said!

I forgot to add before I clicked submit. When i close my eyes I think of my mom as a damaged soul, a sad and abused (so to speak) fragile puppy that is now coming out in the world with a big bark. this feeling about her makes it quite difficult to “hate her” or to feel i should attempt to have “power over her” in a way it simply just makes me feel soo soo bad for her.
however, talking to you has made me realize that even though that all may be true – it doesnt take away any of the aforementioned.

Dear Peppermint, thank you for your kind words – unfortunately, and you can read above, my parents are a force that cannot be reckoned with – they are insconsolabe unreasonable people that have truly gone down the deep end – the focus now is how do my sister and i maintain sanity and try for personal damage control.

Dear Anita,

You could not be more right. I may not know you in real life, but you helped my sister and I through yesterday- we had your guidance in mind. I almost imagined you watching all of it from the outside and shaking your head and thinking wow – exactly what I expected, I told you so (in the most supportive of ways).
As my sister said above, yesterday was a perfect microcosm of their insanity, abuse, and psychosis. Almost textbook.

Myself, fiance, and his parents (who i will just call in laws to make it easier) – went along with their plan for a family meeting – for no true reason but to end the constant stalking and harassment since last week’s fight – about their NEED for us to all meet today, constant calls text messages about the necessity, i tried to say it wasn’t a good idea for us today and of course they could not understand. during that conversation i attemmpted the “power over” technique. what became of that was insane hysteria screaming saying “now that youre all grown up and you make your own money, you don’t need us this is what you do, then say we are not going to come to this engagement party next week.
(background about engagement party – culturally the guys side throws it, his mom wanted to do something small, but my mom created INSANITY over that approach 6 months ago and FORCED his parents to have a large engagement party – so this is 200 people at this nice venue, and the beginning of the party will be a short religious ceremony with parents – which she INSISTED had to be a certain way – money is not the focus, but this is pretty much like a mini wedding next weekend and costs as much as most peoples weddings! ok back to now)
so she hangs up the phone. she immediately calls my MIL and cries and screams and says they are so hurt, they wont be coming to engagement party and will have to tell all their friends not to (half the guest list). during this time i am sitting in horror and talking to my sister, and we say to ourselves wow – just as expected it is getting worse and worse and worse. how can we at least get through this next week – and if for nothing for the inlaws to not have a fiasco at this party – minds racing.

my mom calls back a few minutes later SOBBING, OPPOSITE DEMEANOR, saying” sorry i don’t know what i have done to you but i am sorry forgive me, i love you and i want all of this okay, we are going to have a good meeting tomorrow and patch everything up – and proceed in such a nice way and go to india (mind you my mother, father, and i are booked to go to india on Dec.2 for 3 weeks for wedding shopping). then she puts my dad on the line who is equally hysterical and apologetic. i say so did you call the in laws and say youre not coming?!?! she says yes, i ask why – she says i was emmotional it happens its ok.

ok fine – breath in breath out. they are crazy but lets have a breather. we all kind of put this aside for a secon and think these psychos are uncontrollable but at this moment we can go along with meeting, and at least for in laws sake have a normal engagement party who knows.

fast forward 4 hours. its around 11 pm and i had just fell asleep watching a movie, geta phone call and i say in my head its fine ill call that person back tomorrow, then callsagain, so i abruptly wake up and think who is calling so late must be urgent.
pick up – it’s my mother (gone back to first demeanor – raging bull). shes says as my sister said above, that my dad is ill from all this and having chest pain – so as a doctor i say ok take him to the ER, we can come right now, she says “not that kind of chest pain.”
of course the convenient kind of chest pain to scare everyone, but not the true kind? insanity
she then goes on to say she cant make this meeting tomorrow its too much – i said ok but right now the focus is dads health, no? she gets furious and says that is why i am calling you – i have to focus on my husband’s health right now. i said ok – then i say well we dont have to havve meeting, she starts screaming and says she never wanted meeting and it is all because everyone else forced it.
continues to scream about how all this has affected her and my father’s health and then says – this is too much we can not meet and we can not come to engagement party – hangs up.

i speak to my sister an we decide we may want to call an ambulance considering my dads history of heart disease, but then also are simultaneously aware that she is just using it as a tactic. my sister calls my mother – and as above my mom repeatsthe same and is also furious – “why did your sister tell you it is an emergency – it is not THAT kind of chest pain.”

it was a horror movie. classic. perfect.

And Anita – if there was EVER a way and day to follow your advice – that the only way to survive is to cease contact with these types – it would be now….

my sister is struggling with the above, and i am trying to figure out how to truly break away.