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marriage.. to save or not?

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Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • July 30, 2014 at 11:39 pm #62290
    zaica
    Participant

    im really at a a loss right now… and ive ceased on telling my few close friends what im feeling coz i think they’re growing tired of my emotional fluctuations… ive already shared my story here.. and also got great responses that helped me pull through my dark days…
    for those who doesnt know.. here’s my story.. ive lived with my husbands family after we got married… at first it was ok.. but things started to change when i already gave birth.. my mother and sister-in-law began treating me differently whenever there’s only just the three of us in the house… i grew unhappy and started on telling myhusband thati want us to live on our own… he told me to wait.. bcoz of financial reasons…. but a day came when it was all too much for me… and i burst out.. there was a big confrontation.. his mother and sister shouted at me.. and i shouted back all my grievances.. itold my husband i dont want to live there anymore.. i asked him if he was coming with us, he said no.. when it was really sinking in, i asked him if ill not leave what will happen.. he said he doesnt want me anymore… so i packedd our things..called a friend to pick me up…and mmy son and i stayed at her house..my husband even helped in the packing… i called my mom.. she boarded the plane the next day and bought tickets for me and my son so we can go home with her.. my husband went to the airport… my mom was so angry at him.. hesaid sorry… and said what he said was a mistake and he want us back… i told him my family wont permit us to go back to him for the time being.. i said we can talk when i get back… i went back and we met against my family’s judgement.. i still love him.. and i believe he feels the same way too… i asked him to give me time.. my uncle is helping me get a good stable job.. once i get the job i can already be with him and my son and it wouldn’t be so hard for us to get our own place, hire a babysitter, and plan for our future.. he agreed at that time….
    for now, im still waiting for thecall from my uncle..saying i could already start working…im growing uneasy too.. my family is asking me not to go back to my husband anymore… i tried to ask for a little amount of money so i could apply for another work but my family wont let me, saying i just have to wait for my uncle’s call..but my husband is growing impatient…he wants us back.. he asked me if he can already come to our house to fetch us.. but if we go with him, we will once again live with his family.. he offered another house but its just across their house…and i dont want to see his family again to be honest.. i asked him to wait fora bit.. but he’s not aswering my calls or messages..
    i dont know what to do actually.. if not for my baby id have jumped off a cliff already..

    July 30, 2014 at 11:53 pm #62291
    zaica
    Participant

    am i so selfish? depriving my husband of the time he should be spending time with his son? is it wrong for me to want another place to call our home? away from his family?

    July 31, 2014 at 3:41 am #62305
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hi Zaica @zaica

    I am sorry for your confusion.

    Hey, are you happy to share a little about your background, culture etc ? It will be easier to offer appropriate advice if I can understand what sort of background you come from. We seem to have people from various cultures and nationalities on this forum.

    Cheers

    J

    July 31, 2014 at 5:04 am #62309
    zaica
    Participant

    hi jasmine.. thank you.. for taking the time.. im asian.. family means a lot to me.. presently im arguing with my husband.. he wants us back, but we’ll live near his family.. and i dont want to.. i want us to have a new start. away from eveerybody…

    July 31, 2014 at 5:39 am #62310
    zaica
    Participant

    ive already posted my story before here… and i keep on rereading the responses of matt and inky there…it’s just that this time i really have no one to open up too… my family doesn’t want me to mope for my husband.. my friends doesn’t want me to bother with him after what happened… they’re telling me that im better off without him….they said i was too submissive with him.. that this time i should think of myself and my son’s furture…
    it’s hard in our country to have a stable job.. that’s why it will be a big help if my uncle will be able to secure me that job…but he’s angry at my husband too.. and he said i have to move on without him in my life..
    maybe they are right..im too emotional…that im stupid when i fall inlove… we were married in the church.. and i vowed to god that ill be with my husband for forever… im a catholic by the way..and went to catholic schools until college.. so you can imagine the impact of my religion has on me…maybe im really stupid… my family is capable of helping me succeed.. they can even afford to finance my sons future without me.. to be honest, it will be a lot more easier to follow their advice and let go of my husband… and ill be much more successfull with all the opportunities that will come if i let him go… i tried following their advice.. i ceased my communication with my husband… but i felt myself really starting to lose it.. a professor once told me..”the diffrence between sanity and insanity is just a hairline”.. and i got scared.. i couldn’t afford to go crazy.. i dont want my son to grow up with an insane mother.. id better be dead if that’s the case.. so i reached out to my husband again… talked with him… and i felt the love that is still there…and i dont want to let go of that..

    July 31, 2014 at 5:47 am #62311
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hi Zaica @Zaica

    Now there are so many countries and cultures that fall into the “Asian” category. But I hear your message that family means a lot to you.

    Sticking to that main point, I would like to raise a few points of my own. Please think about them before responding to this post.

    You are a mother, wife, sister, daughter etc. I am assuming your mother in law (MIL) is also a mother, wife, sister and a daughter of someone and vice versa with sister in law (SIL). What does a “family” term mean to you ? Just husband, son and you OR does it include immediate blood relations ?

    I know it is hard to live with people who do not give us the love and respect we deserve but at the end of the day, it takes 2 to tango. It is very similar with love. If you give love and understanding to others, there is no way of receiving hatred or misunderstandings. It goes against the nature’s principle of what goes around comes around.

    Could you please figure out as to why and where things turned sour for you at your in laws place ? Are you judging yourself and themselves too hard ? Is there any verbal or physical violence involved in this relationship as that will change the whole scenario.

    We can have a new start any day if we can change our mindset about ourselves and people.

    What is your grievance with in-laws and hubby ? Care to elaborate ?

    J

    July 31, 2014 at 6:24 am #62314
    Anyone
    Participant

    Thanks Jas <3

    Hi Zaica,

    I understand that family means a lot to you, I’m an Indian too and your issue is typical of an issue that occurs once a woman marries and joins the husband’s family.

    The only thing that strikes my mind to convey to you is – do what YOU want for yourself. Practically, we really cannot consider what everybody in the family (there are many) members want. From my own experience I have observed in all the cases that it’s best to consider what we want rather than what others want from the marriage; after all it’s YOUR marriage, not everybody else’s!

    Seek your husband’s support to take any decision. It has to be mutual, that’s how it’s best to solve the issue, be it to be together or seek separation.

    From your post, I understand that you want to unite with your husband, see if this is what he also wants.

    Please, ignore a bit of advices coming from all sides (I can imagine), and concentrate on what you want!

    A quote I once came across – ‘Figure out what you want, and know how to ask for it’.

    Lots of love and light to you!!

    July 31, 2014 at 6:44 am #62316
    zaica
    Participant

    hmmm.. thanks for asking J…:)
    family to me for now is just the three of us… that’s selfish right?… i want to fix my marriage and my own family for now.. that’s why im thinking of my family first.. i know i have to make peace with my inlaws someday but im not so keen with the idea right now, to be honest..i believed once i get married, ill be starting my own family..
    i take care of our baby day and night… that’s why i feel sleepy even during daytime.. nevertheless, i still make it an effort to help around the house whenever i can manage it.. but there would be times that i couldn’t so maybe that’s also one of the reasons why my husbands mother and sister got irritated with me.. but there came a time when his sister was not talking to me at all.. she acts as if im not around… and keeps on banging things whenever im within hearing distance… i got pissed off by that.. coz i dont know anything that ive done that might have offended her.. in turn i asked my husband to please find a way so we can live on our own… he still couldn’t afford it so we agreed to wait.. but as the days pass i also felt his mother growing distant with me.. then it just burst out one day… then a confrontation happened.. we were all shouting.. i talked back to his mom.. forgive me for that… then i found out what was bothering his sister.. she was accusing me of getting money from their store.. i snapped… never in my whole life was i ever accused of stealing.. heck i could even ask my mom the same amount of their capital on that store… if not for my husband who wwas holding me back i could have slapped her actually.. but she managed to pull my hair.. she asked me what im so proud of to act as if im rich.. (modesty aside, i grew up in a somewhat well-to-do family)..so maybe that’s why im no good when it comes to household chores.. i asked her back on what she was proud of since she’s only a mistresss… everything exploded after that… it was wrong of me.. i know… but she did that to me a lot of times already.. actually , when i think of it now, she was a bully.. she bullied everyone in the family actually… and deep inside i resented that.. maybe that also triggered it, why i snapped…
    my husband on that day told me to pack my bags when he found out that his sister went out after our confrontation.. he told me he doesnt want me anymore.. even when iasked for his forgiveness, in talking back to his mother, and shouting at his sister..
    honestly, i was brought up to control my temper at all times.. my outbursts could just be counted in one hand.. i usually stay silent when im angry… but im really full of it, although ittakes a while before that happens.. i burst out…and end up hurting everyone…
    im regretting my outburst that day..but it already happened.. and there’s no going back…

    July 31, 2014 at 6:54 am #62317
    zaica
    Participant

    thanks A.. just read my other post and you were there too.. thanks so much.. to everyone here at tiny buddha… it means a lot to me.. people i dont personally know but finds time to read my posts.. shares what they know and helps me decide on things in an unbiased way… it means a lot… so thank you.. really..:)

    July 31, 2014 at 7:09 am #62318
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Anyone @anyone

    Hi Zaica @Zaica

    Thanks. It is good to see that you have some clarity. It shouldn’t be too difficult for you to figure things out.

    All I would say is that close relationships (esp the blood relations) require a lot of love, patience and nurturing. When 2 people stay under the same roof, they are bound to have arguments, misunderstandings etc. Now it is upto you as to how you wish to operate in life.

    I will share a bit of how I operate. I am 36 and a DINK.

    I do not live with my in laws and / or my parents. It is a decision I made a long time ago even before getting married and my husband was very much on board with my decision but I took a lot of time to explain my reasoning to him. My husband’s family all live together under one roof with other DILs and all (except for us). Everyone in the family from both ends gets along fine and has a lot of respect for each other. We have different levels of literacy amongst us all but we do not call each other names or behave in childish manner if we have misunderstandings or arguments.

    My ILs and parents are always welcome to come and stay with us in our hone when and for however long they feel like. And they actually do that quite often and we all have a fabulous time.

    Above didn’t happen without love, respect and nurturing. It is very easy to choose friends but when it comes to family, we don’t get a choice. This concept used to intrigue me a lot in my younger days and when I figured out that there is a very big reason for our family members to come together in a pack, my thought process changed. From, I DONT WANT YOU IN MY LIFE, changed to I NEED YOU IN MY LIFE to help me progress further in my quest.

    Our family members can teach us a lot of about ourselves. They can be very good mirrors for us and help us grow in the school of life (which is my motto).

    So I live and I let them live BUT with love and respect. And what do I get in return ? LOVE and RESPECT. You have a similar choice.

    Stand up for what matters to you and your son’s well being. Don’t be afraid to set on a path. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, you have learnt something valuable and can change your path again. Learn the lessons and move forward.

    Where is the stress of jumping from a cliff ? These sort of dialogues only suit cowards. From your post, you seem like a sensible woman so behave sensibly as well.

    Best wishes and may you continue to get clarity for your situation. Whatever you decide, it will be for your highest good 🙂

    Jasmine

    July 31, 2014 at 7:37 am #62320
    zaica
    Participant

    thanks J… you’ve guessed right.. im too afraid to commit a mistake right now bcoz i cant afford to jeopardize my son’s future.. but as you’ve said i have to decide on one thing and do it… jumping off the cliff was just that.. a thought… nothing else..:)..you’re right too, respect was already absent in my relationship with my inlaws.. maybe that’s why it resulted to that embarrassing scene..well, at first i respected them, but their constant not so good treatment of me led me to lose that respect..i know i have to make peace with them if im going back together with my husband.. but for now, im honestly not ready for that..

    July 31, 2014 at 7:56 am #62322
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    @Zaica

    Thanks.

    2 things:

    1. “jumping off the cliff was just that….a thought….nothing else…:)” – you may think that such words may be a joke or may get you the attention you seek but you probably don’t understand the gravity of such sentences on your mind. Our thoughts and words have a huge impact on the state of our being. I hope in future, you will think twice before putting such words in your mind or on any source.

    2. It takes 2 to tango. What you give out, you get back. Take a game of squash for example. When you hit a ball, it goes to the wall but it comes back to you with the same speed. Love, hatred, arguments, miscommunications etc all work on the same principle. When we are nasty to others, others are nasty back to us in some form or other. We attract what we are as everything is energy at the end of day (my experience).

    It is easy to say that you had respect for them and you lost it after they started mistreating you. Perhaps, give this point a bit of a thought so that you do not have any misconceptions about yourself in your mind. Equation of any relationship is pretty simple and logical. Give love, receive love. Give respect, receive respect. It doesn’t go like this – wait for respect before giving respect, wait for love before giving love etc.

    There is no rush in life. Take your time to make any decisions as it is your life’s decision. Only you can make it 🙂

    J

    July 31, 2014 at 4:07 pm #62349
    yoda428
    Participant

    Hi –

    Just wanted to throw in my 2 cents. So sorry for your situation. It’s hard when you are in it but know that it won’t always be this way. As my mom always used to say, “this too will pass.”

    As I gather there are cultural and economic issues that I may not fully understand from my point of view but I think at the very least you do have to follow what is best for you. We can’t make decisions based on what other people are thinking of us (I speak mainly of your in-law situation). It doesn’t sound like a healthy environment – wanting out of that is nothing to feel bad or selfish about. Don’t compromise what is best for your own well-being. As others have stated here – only you know what that is but make sure it’s about you – nobody else. That may mean what’s best for you and your child and/or including your husband (or not).

    We can’t change others, we can only change our perspective. Don’t beat yourself up for thinking your selfish – sometimes being selfish is the best thing for us.

    Take time – find peace in the day – answers will come in the silence without the need to think so hard of how to fix.

    Take care.

    July 31, 2014 at 10:23 pm #62382
    zaica
    Participant

    @Jasmine-3
    thanks J… yeah..i see your point.. the golden rule… do unto others what you want you want do unto you.. correct?..:)… i know it may sound bizarre right now.. but after opening up here at tiny buddha i found myself gradually being at peace.. thank you..
    yes.. i must admit, that was weakness on my part.. wishing to end it all… in the past i would even cut myself on my inner arm just so i can distract myself with physical pain instead of the numbing pain in my chest that seems to be paralyzing me…i just make sure no one sees it for fear of being called disturbed.. i ceased on doing that.. with my present situation i was able to face the pain.. and let the tears cleanse me of it all…

    @yoda428
    thanks for understanding..:)..and yes, back then i always wanted to be in control of things.. but now, i learned to juust let it be.. things i have no control of.. other people.. circumstances.. i learned to let go of all those.. im still learning though… :)..

    to everyone…
    finding peace at last.. for all the responses i had received of my two posts here at tiny buddha.. it helped me a lot to finally make a decision… thank you all for enlightening my path… you’re all God sent.. and im really gratefull… may He bless you for always…

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