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Married, divorce, kids, etc.

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  • May 7, 2020 at 6:57 am #353810
    Marcos
    Participant

    I am married since 2004, my wife is an awesome person we never fight, disscuss or anything like that, we have two kids, a 14 years old girl and a 10 years old boy. We live a confortable life, in 2009 I passed a public test and got an awesome job for the state, she helped me, because I had to leave my job to study for 2 years, she paid the bills.

    But I just turned 42, and miss the single life, I wanna live, meet new ppl etc.

    Its hard to divorce, dont wanna leave my kids, but I m not happy either.

    Any word of advice?

    May 7, 2020 at 9:20 am #353842
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Marcos:

    You weren’t happy in your marriage three years ago (your previous thread), even though you appreciated your wife then, and now.

    Is it that you want to experience different women, new to you women, instead of the same woman?

    anita

    May 7, 2020 at 10:33 am #353846
    Marcos
    Participant

    Yes, thats it. I think we are not meant to have the same woman / man for life, we are not parrots.

    May 7, 2020 at 12:08 pm #353856
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Marcos:

    I have a five questions for you in my effort to be of any possible help to you:

    1. Are you unsatisfied are you with the monogamous arrangement aka marriage you are in every day, and  from 1 to 10, ten being most unsatisfied, how unsatisfied are you?

    2. How does your lack of satisfaction expresses itself in your functioning as a husband, father, an employee, and otherwise?

    3. Did you tell your wife that you feel that it is unnatural for you to be with only one woman, that is, only with her? If you did, what was her response?

    4. If you divorce her, how do you see your life as a father, and as an ex husband?

    5. If you divorce, how do you see your life as a single man: will you let the future women in your life know in advance that you are not monogamous and that you are open to dating more than one woman at one time (or are you planning on being in a series of short, time-limited monogamous relationships, and if so, will you  be letting the women know in advance that this is your plan)?

    anita

     

    May 7, 2020 at 12:33 pm #353862
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Marcos,

    The way you feel at age 42 is not uncommon and many couples divorce as a result. Some are happier; some wish they had fought for their marriage. I like Anita’s list of questions and will add one more if I could: There’s a good chance that after a divorce your ex-wife will find a new partner to share her life with. Are you comfortable with your kids living full- or part-time with someone who may become a father figure to them with his own set of values that may be very different from your own?

    B

    May 8, 2020 at 9:03 pm #354106
    Ravi
    Participant

    Hi Marcos,

    I have read your post. Maybe I do not know your entire story. You mentioned that you miss the single life so I am considering that you are at a different location than where your wife is. Please tell me if that is not the case.

    But what are your chances/possibilities/options of-

    i. going back to the location where your awesome wife is

    OR

    ii. having your wife to the location where you are currently (if that’s not a suitable location then point no. iii.)

    OR

    iii. both of you move to a different common location where you could be together?

     

     

    May 10, 2020 at 6:49 am #354270
    Marcos
    Participant

    Thanks for the time you all took to answer me. I appreciate.

    Anita:

    1. 7;

    2. It doesnt affect me as a father and employee, as I husband I do but my best to make her happy, but I cant fake it, she knows I m not happy w our relationship;

    3. Yes I did, she says she s jealous and wants a normal relationship;

    4. Even tho its kinda normal these days, I dont like to think that I ll be far from my kids, I m always present in their lifes;

    5. If I divorce I wont get into another relationship, I might get a girlfriend but would never live w someone again, no more ties.

    Brandy, I think thats why some ppl dont get divorced. I dont want to see another man with my kids, thats a big problem I cant solve.

    Ravi, We are living togheter, and thats the problem.

     

    I though a lot over this, I ll stay, unhappy but I ll keep my family togheter.

     

    I wish I didnt marry at 24…

     

    Sorry my bad english.

    May 10, 2020 at 10:03 am #354300
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Marcos:

    You wrote that from 1 to 10, 10 being most unsatisfied, your level of dissatisfaction is 7, that this dissatisfaction doesn’t affect you as an employee, or as a father: you’re “always present in their lives”, and you don’t want to be far from them, and you don’t want another man in their lives. As a husband you do your best to make your wife happy. But you are not happy in the marriage, you can’t fake happy.

    Your wife knows that you are unhappy with her and yet, she is okay with you being unhappily married to you, as long as you don’t get involved with any other woman (“she says she is jealous and wants a normal relationship”).

    If you were to divorce, you “might get a girlfriend but would never live with someone again, no more ties”.

    My input today and a question: you are not guilty for how you feel, and I understand you not being able to fake being happily married to your wife. I don’t understand something: how can your wife be okay with going to bed with you every night knowing that you don’t want to be there with her, any idea how she does it???

    anita

     

    May 10, 2020 at 11:34 am #354322
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Marcos,

    I asked the question because what I observe is that a lot of couples split before really exploring what the consequences may be. It’s possible that the freedom you so yearn for may not turn out to be as wonderful as you think. Life is weird that way.

    …or maybe it will be as wonderful.

    Many of us will be happy if only we can get that cooler car, bigger house, or sexier partner. I get that. But how long does the happiness last? Maybe until our new sexy partner suddenly isn’t so sexy any more, but that’s okay because we can move on to an even sexier partner, and the cycle repeats until we wake up one morning and realize that the person we were with years ago, the parent to our kids, has some incredible qualities and is really quite sexy too, but it’s too late. This person has long moved on.

    Someone once said that the key to happiness is wanting what you already have.

    B

    May 15, 2020 at 12:06 pm #355202
    Marcos
    Participant

    Anita, I dont know, but I think she feels bad. She knows I lost interest. I do feel guilty because I choose her freely and now I am unhappy.

    Brandy I agree with you in every word.

     

    Thanks again for the answers, I made my mind, I think this topic can be closed.

     

    Marcos

    May 15, 2020 at 12:18 pm #355206
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Marcos:

    You are welcome. I respect your choice to close the topic. Best wishes to you, and feel free to start new threads in the future.

    anita

    May 15, 2020 at 2:26 pm #355234
    Brandy
    Participant

    You are welcome. Take care, Marcos! 🙂

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