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Married the wrong person? Long post alert

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  • #236285
    MeditateMe
    Participant

    Perhaps the title of this post is misleading, but i feel that i may not be married to the right person. I have been married for 3 years, and i know relationships go through ebbs and flows, but i feel like this moment in time is making me wonder if this really is a forever thing.

    A couple of months ago we decided to go to counseling because our relationship had become very mundane, no affection, no intimacy/sex, etc. Right before we decided to go to counseling, my college sweetheart randomly messaged me to check in, and our conversation got much deeper. A little background about that relationship: we were together throughout most of college and we’re planning to get married, etc. We broke up shortly before graduation, for pretty much nothing, and never got back together because he began a new relationship shortly afterwards and married her. It took me many years to get over him and I’ve always called him the love of my life. Eventually I got over the breakup and moved on, we keep in touch periodically for birthdays or just to say a quick hi.

    Anyway, on this occasion a few months ago, he began reminiscing a lot, about a lot of small detailed memories that i almost didn’t remember myself. I wasn’t really sure why he was getting into it all, but he eventually came out and told me that he still loved me and never stopped. It all came as a shock because although I felt that it was true from years ago (over 10 years), i was surprised that he actually admitted it to me. So he told me he said it for peace of mind, ok great. A few days after, i still couldn’t wrap my head around it, and ended up writing my feelings down because i knew it wasn’t something that I could share with anyone else. All of these old feelings came back that i didn’t know were there, and i realized that he was the person i still want to be with. We are both married with a child, and i even found myself brainstorming if and how we could blend our families. Shortly after writing everything down, i felt silly because he never said he wanted to be with me, plus I’m married. I went about my life, whatever.

    The other day we ended up having another text convo where he got even deeper and stated that he wants to be with me but does not want to leave his wife for fear of losing his son. He doesn’t want to go through visitation and wants to continue to see his son grow up. I completely understand this, and don’t want him to go through that either. I want my child to have a stable parental relationship as well, because that’s what I’ve had.  However, i also don’t want us to live our lives knowing that we secretly want to be with each other but can’t. I have never considered divorce and i love my husband, but the love i have for my ex i have never felt before. We fit each other so well, and were right. I am torn Because i know that i can’t force him to do anything, but i feel like all of these feelings are still around for a reason and something has got to give at some point. FYI we don’t live near each other at all, and i haven’t seen him in years.

    im pretty sure there’s nothing i can do about it, but i needed to get it out. Has anybody gone through this or have any advice?

    #236363
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear MeditateMe:

    I don’t know if there is a use asking this question, but maybe there is a use  to asking it:

    You wrote, “we broke up shortly before graduation, for pretty much nothing”- what was that Nothing?

    * Nothing  with a capital N because it must be something that broke such a serious relationship, one where marriage was planned.

    anita

     

    #236367
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi MeditateMe,

    Please don’t throw away a marriage with a child for some college boyfriend who broke up with you over “Nothing”.

    They ALWAYS do this, these married or otherwise old college sweethearts!

    Let me lay it out for you: He’s like you, married with a family and he’s getting bored. He digs out his proverbial little black book (what guys had before computers) and stumbles upon your number/social media/address/old yearbook photo.

    He says “I remember Girlfriend Nothing! I wonder what she’s up to? Oh, she’s married *scoffs*. Well, she can’t be any happier than I am! Surely I will give her a call! Then when she dumps her hapless husband for me I’ll renew my vows with my wife!”

    Please, if you’re going to get a divorce, wait until your child is older, and don’t do it because of that sad sap. Save yourself. This is just a test from the Universe.

    Best,

    Inky

    #236369
    Mark
    Participant

    MeditateMe,

    As long as you are in contact with him then you feed the possibility of getting back together with him, focus your attention away from your own marriage, and in a sense, leaving your husband emotionally and moving away from your commitment.

    Your ex is a fantasy of “what could have been” and “what was.”   Of course current reality is harder and less romantic.

    If you truly want to make things work with your husband then cut off all contact with your ex-boyfriend.  Talking with him just fuels the fantasy and directs your emotional energy away from your marriage.

    Mark

    #236375
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Inky: this is one  of those Best of Inky’s (I am a fan!)

    Dear MeditateMe:

    I have more input to your post: there is no such things as “the right person” or “a forever thing”. There are wrong people for a relationship, but no   one right person. It is about working on the relationship as a team so to make  it right, to make  it beneficial for both parties, a Win-Win.

    And there is no  forever. All you can do today is increase the chances that there will be a day  after. Don’t give  up on your husband because of the Fantasy of the other guy, or any other fantasy.

    anita

     

    #236503
    Inky
    Participant

    “Thank You, Thank You!” *bows*

    #238229
    MeditateMe
    Participant

    Thanks everyone. As soon as i wrote this, i felt like an idiot, anyway. I got annoyed with my ex because i felt like he swooped in and used me because he’s not happy with his current situation. My marriage has hit its first low point

    this year, and because i wasn’t feeling emotionally supprted or connected, i allowed him to get into my head. I have stopped talking to him and have no desire to anymore. I definitely think we were stuck in the “fantasy” of where we were 10 years ago, but things have changed. I want to keep my family together, so my husband and I will need to figure out and do whatever it takes to make it work.

    #238237
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear MeditateMe:

    I think we are all  idiots  this way (“I felt like an idiot”), when we feel badly we want to feel better, we all do, so we entertain this or that thought or activity, so to feel better.

    A little summary of your marriage: married for three years, one child.  Recently the relationship “had become very mundane, no affection, no intimacy/sex, etc. and two months ago the two of you decided to go to counseling, couple or marriage counseling, I assume.

    My advice: couple counseling is an excellent  idea (may lead to individual counseling by the same  therapist or another). Something happened that has … killed the attraction that got the two of you together, getting married and having a child, anger likely, resentment. Resentment does kill feelings of intimacy very effectively. Such can be brought up in therapy. I attended couple therapy.  My therapist started  us with interpersonal skills,  getting effective communication  going. One principle  in such is EAR, standing  for Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect when communicating  with each other. That can be practiced within therapy sessions and continued in between, a practice that the two of you can persist in and get better  and better at it.

    I hope you post again with  your thoughts and feelings regarding your marriage.

    anita

     

     

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