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Met first love, but I have a BF

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  • #72319
    xxeeveexx
    Participant

    My love story starts off innocent, but turned into a big mess.

    When I was in HS, I was quite the go-getter. I would ask out boys that I liked, and broke up with them when I felt like the relationship wasn’t working for me. When I was 19 and started college, I met a boy (21 years, call him A) who I had no interest in whatsoever, but he chased me. This was different than anything I had experienced, so after a couple months, I began to like him and I went out with him. During my first year with A, I met another boy (19 years, call him B) in my class. We immediately clicked and never had I had such a wonderful and open friendship with someone. A and I were extremely close, but there was a clear boundary since we were friends.

    One day, I receive a gift from B and being naive at the time, I thank him for it. I showed this gift to my boyfriend, A, and he got really angry. He told me B liked me and since I didn’t like him back, I should return the gift. I tried to convince him that the gift was meant as friends, but after many tears and arguments with my boyfriend, and I ended up listening to him. So I approached my friend B and tried to return the gift to him. My friend B got angry and told me to just keep it because it was only meant to show that he had my back. Being afraid of confronting others, I never brought the subject up again, and I regret that we were never able to share how we felt and work it out. Ever since then, it was awkward between me and B. We would hang out occasionally, because we used to be best friends, but we never got close again. Soon, we would treat each other like anyone else, not a friend, but acquaintances.

    I always felt regret and sadness after this incident, because my friend didn’t mean anything, and now we weren’t close anymore. Soon, my boyfriend graduated, and we continued our long distance relationship for another 2 years. Being socially awkward, I found it hard ever since to make friends. My boyfriend became my only friend and I hated it.

    I turned 21 and I managed to make friends in my classes that I wasn’t close to, but I at least felt comfortable with. Soon, school took over, and I was spending nearly everyday with these two boys. I got particularly close to one of them (23 years, call him C), and we got closer and closer, just like how it was with my previous friend B. I hate to admit it, but I started to like C because my current boyfriend could not fill the loneliness I felt in my heart ever since me and my friend B grew apart. I guess you can say he filled the void that my friend B once filled.

    One day, C revealed his feelings to me, and after several weeks of thinking, I told my boyfriend A that I couldn’t be with him anymore. This was so hard for me because I hated to see people unhappy because of me. Anyway, C and I began to go out and we had the most beautiful relationship. He has depression, but I try to be there for him when I can. He listens to me when I need to talk about my struggles too. We have the same outlook on life, HOWEVER, we don’t really have much in common. We basically come together when we need someone to talk to and feel happy that there is someone by our sides.

    I am now 22. Throughout all this time (3 years since my friend B and I grew apart), the sadness from my first friend B never left me. I shared with this my bf C and he listened patiently. I finally came to the conclusion that I used to like my friend B, but never came to terms with it while it was happening. I no longer wanted to feel like this anymore, so I decided to talk to B again and settle what had happened 3 years ago. I wanted to understand how he felt, and I wanted him to understand how I felt. I no longer wanted to feel regretful because of this friend, and I hope we could at least be friends who were open to each other instead of acting like acquaintances.

    I talked to him online, and surprisingly, he opened up and shared with me that I was the only one he ever felt natural with throughout all his years in college. When he had given me the gift back then, he actually did like me, but he didn’t expect anything to come from that gift. When I tried to return the gift, he said that he realized he was in a bad position and thought it better to leave.

    Now, he talks to me everyday and very comfortably, like before. He wants to meet up with me to sort out everything and see what happens from there. He knows I have a bf right now. I’m starting to feel that connection with him again like long ago, as my best friend. But I feel like I am being unfair to my current bf, C. I love my bf and I know he loves me so much too. I also know that my bf will be depressed or even suicidal if I was to break up with him, not because I want to break up with him, but because I don’t feel like I’m worthy of his love.

    I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I am trying to fill the void from my first friend and I got into a relationship that I wanted with my first friend. I feel like a horrible person and I’m not sure what to do. I suddenly feel scared that this occurrence of filling in the void will happen to me in my future relationships. Perhaps I am not ready for a relationship. I was sheltered as a child, so I didn’t do my first relationship the right way. I learned now and I tried to make it work for my second bf. But now I’m stuck, feeling like an awful person. Thanks for listening to my long story.

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by xxeeveexx.
    #72322
    Ashley Arcel
    Participant

    Hello Eveee,

    I must ay that it takes a lot of courage to open up about your personal life so accurately.

    It is absolutely normal to have conflicting emotions so early in your life. I totally applaud your step to go back to person B to close the loop (which was open since 3 years), but remember the trigger that you went to person B after all.

    From my point of view, since you also clicked with person C and opened up with him so much that you discussed your previous relationships with him I would only find it fair that person C actually loves you more than B.

    I can only give you a perspective of what I would probably do if we switched sides.

    Hope this helps.

    Ashley

    #72323
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Eevee,

    Reading your story, it sounds like the way you feel about A and C are more in line with a friendship than any romantic feeling. At 22, it is often easy to confuse the two especially when guys are trying to get into the relationship zone via the friend zone (most of us eventually grow out of it). If you don’t have strong friendships around you, you will end up entering a relationship just because you want a friendship. This can work to a point but the main problem is that when someone you feel truly connected to shows up, like B, you will be unavailable. It also goes without saying that it’s tough to break up with someone who loves you because you don’t feel
    that way about them AFTER you’ve been out for a while.

    Personally, I try to avoid dating women who only have male friends becasue it usually means that she can only relate to men that are interested in her (which indicate poor social skills outside of the romantic world), that her self esteem needs to be boosted by male attention (which indicates insecurity within herself) and no matter how much we try, the relationship never work out because her main source of advice are from guys that wanted to date her. Generally speaking, the only men this type of women attract are hanger ons and users.

    Before getting into a relationship, you should develop friendships with people that are not actively/passively trying to date you (e.g. other women). This will give you a point of reference re how you truly feel about a “guy friend”, a source of advice on how you should proceed and a comfort for when things didn’t work out.

    #72343
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Eevee,

    There’s a couple things going on here that weren’t said above.

    One is that we seldom stick with the BFs we make in college. B was a little immature in waiting as a wingman in case the relationship with A went wrong. By returning his gift you in essence called his bluff that he wanted a relationship and not just a friendship and then he got angry. Also, if he was so into you why didn’t he try contacting you himself in the past three years? He seems very passive to me.

    The other thing is that you mentioned that if you left C he would become even more depressed or suicidal. OK that is emotional blackmail, even if you’re doing it to yourself. And since you’re fantasizing about B means that you’re not as into C as you think.

    I say your best bet is to give up on A, B, and C and start over. It’s time to enter into healthy relationships with mature men.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Inky.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Inky.
    #72351
    xxeeveexx
    Participant

    Hi Ashley, thank you for your thoughts. Yes I did approach B to find closure between us, but I did not expect him to like me. And when he started talking to me like normal again (online), I began to feel how I felt before while I was with him.. and that was a really easygoing and strong connection.

    Hi Yue, something that is very important to me in my relationships is being able to know my significant other on a personal level while we are friends first. This is because I have insecurity issues and I cannot get over the fact that I’m putting so much effort into someone I might not get along with. I actually do have really strong friendships (with girls) outside my relationship now, and they are my best support system. This year, now that I have graduated college, I have been trying to keep and strengthen the few good relationships I had. That’s part of the reason why I wanted to approach B, because he used to be a very good friend of mine, and I hoped that he would be willing to be my friend again after we talked. Of course, we would never be the same again, but if we were on good terms, I was happy with that. Also because of B, I always felt regret and I wanted closure. So I approached him, and found myself connecting to him again. I understand what you are trying to say about girls only having male friends, but I don’t think my situation is the case.

    Hi Inky, the reason why B hasn’t contacted me over the years is because he didn’t want to break a relationship if it was there; he just liked me, and so he gave me the gift. But since I wasn’t reciprocating his feelings (returning the gift), he realized that he needed to go out and make more friends since I couldn’t be there for him. Now, for C, C and I truly truly love each other. The only issue has been his depression, which he has been trying to get over, and I have been trying to help him with. I always understood that C has been depressed since I first met him.

    I met up with my friend B yesterday night for the first time in at least a year. He expressed to me that he sort of gave up wanting to date me since I had a boyfriend. But when I approached him online with how I felt, he realized that him and I used to have such a wonderful relationship, one of the more natural and best relationships he ever had. And if he was to date anyone at that point, it would be me, because he felt that we would get along really well even though we hadn’t talked in a long time. Our interests, values, and humor lined up, and our personalities matched. While I was talking to him last night, I didn’t really feel for him like I thought I would. But, I knew that if I was to continue our daily talks, there was a really really good chance that I would like him again. I decided the best route was to be truthful, so I told him that there were some feelings there, but that I was happy where I am with my current bf. He respected my decision, but told me to consider how close we were before and to think about a relationship with him. I told him not to hope for anything, but that I would think about it. He said that since he gave his thoughts about how he feels towards me, he will not interfere with my relationship. He feels sad that he is stuck in the same position he was 3 years ago, only we are more communicative now. He told me that he might just not talk to me anymore, to avoid liking me so much and feeling stuck hoping for something that may not ever happen. I understand this.

    I told my boyfriend what happened that night, and my boyfriend felt really sad. He asked me if I wanted to be more than friends with my friend B. I said no because I really do love my boyfriend and I don’t know if the feelings I have for my friend are feelings of excitement from reuniting with someone I used to really love. I don’t want to act without knowing myself. One thing was for sure: I really cared about my friend, and my friend and I did have a wonderful relationship. Although I didn’t click with my current boyfriend the first time I met him, the more I got to know him, the more I started to like him.

    I’m at a loss… this situation is messed up and anything I do will hurt someone, and that’s what I hate the most.

    #72353
    smit
    Participant

    Dear Eevee,

    Firstly, Thanks for sharing ur problem with us..

    In my opinion, I think you should stick with C (as u said he truly loves and u and vice-versa). In my opinion and from my experience, its really very difficult to find a true love but u fortunately found it in C.
    As far as B is concerned, I think that he is only ur Bf(best friend) and not Bf(boy friend).

    I think that there is a very thin line between a best friend and a lover, and its often confusing who is the best friend and who is the lover. We share feelings with both of ’em and enjoy the company too.. So it does become an emotional mess, especially for people of our age grp.

    So, if I would have been in ur shoes, I would have had stayed with C and remain close friends with B coz,
    firstly, u do really love C, and,
    he is suffering from depression. Its a phase when he needs u the most and if u leave him hanging now, it can further detoriate his condition (not necessarily a suicide).

    I can understand ur dilemma coz a few years back I was in a similar position. I had a friend who already had a boyfriend, but her parents were opposed to her relationship. We became best friends. After sometime, I had this feeling that I truly love her but I didn’t interfere with her relationship.

    Eventually, she eloped with her boyfriend and severed ties with me. After sometime and deep thinking, I realised that she was just a friend and not a lover, coz I moved on. If I would have been IN love with her, I could not have been able to move on. Now, even though we don’t talk, it doesn’t hurt much. But I do miss her as a best friend.

    So I suggest u that u stick with B as ur best friend and love ur C as ur boyfriend.

    My best wishes are with u..

    Smit

    #72405
    xxeeveexx
    Participant

    If only it were that easy…

    So I decided that I really love my boyfriend and even though B and I had a wonderful relationship, one of the best I’ve ever had, me and my boyfriend share a different relationship full of love.

    I told my friend yesterday where I stood. I told him that I approached him with the intention of finding closure and perhaps be friends again. I also mentioned that I was surprised to hear that he liked me, and that he wanted to date me when it’s been 3 years already. I told him that I really loved my bf and that if he needed to not talk to me in order to move on, I understand.

    My friend hasn’t replied to me.. I hate to say it, but I did the exact same thing to him yesterday as I did three years ago. He gave me the gift and I tried to return it. He told me he wanted to date me today, and I told him that I loved my boyfriend. I feel like such an awful person.. I never imagined I would hurt him twice in a row. I am the girl every guy would hate. 🙁

    I’m feeling very sad and stressed right now, but I deserve it. I just have to accept the fact that I cannot be friends with B anymore and move on. I remember such good times between us.. if only I could go back in time. He will always be my best and worst memory.. my one regret.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by xxeeveexx.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by xxeeveexx.
    #72442
    Kath
    Participant

    Dear eevee!

    Your situation is not easy, but you made a decision! It is really cool that you had the courage to confront B and talk over what has happened between you.
    It’s hard, and I also have been in the position of being in a really good relationship, and then my old love turned up. Those strong feelings will never be gone, but I decided they were not worth giving up the relationship I had.
    A situation like this can happen. Sometimes it will make you realize that you were missing something important in your current relationship all the time, but this doesn’t seem to be the case! So I think you made a good decision.

    To be honest, I don’t think you can have a good relationship with your bf AND be good friends with someone if one of them wants more or if there is so much unresolved. In my opinion you sometimes have to make a decision.

    Why do you want to go back in time? Do you feel you are just making decisions for other people? In that case you maybe really need some time of for yourself to figure out what YOU really want. You also don’t need to be ashamed or feel like others would hate you for your decisions. You do not hurt people intentionally and you have every right to feel what you are feeling, to express your feelings and to do what makes you happy!

    So do what makes you happy! 🙂

    #72535
    xxeeveexx
    Participant

    Hi Kath,

    I have to say that your post was definitely encouraging and pinpointed what my problem was. First of all, I want to thank you for supporting my decision. It definitely was a difficult one, but in the end, I think I made the right decision. Yes, I do have strong feelings with my friend who I used to love so much, but it’s not worth the relationship I already have. I do think it’s impossible to be friends with someone who wants more.. my friend and I have stopped talking and I think it’s for the best. I am very happy that I was able to resolve the past with him, and I feel so much more at peace with myself now, unlike before where I felt guilty.

    Secondly, you are exactly right in that I need to figure out what I really want. As much as I love other people and want them to be happy, I deserve to be happy too. I always had a problem figuring out what I liked or wanted. I was kind of a “go with the flow” kind of person and didn’t mind others making the decision since it’ll make them happy, therefore making me happy. But if those other people weren’t there, what decisions would I make? I’m sad and scared to say that I haven’t thought about it, but I am starting to now. Now that I’m thinking about it, my bf and I differ in our values, and there is a chance that we may not be able to work out since I realized that I cannot compromise my values. My bf and I are discussing about these things now to figure out what we both really want. It scares me that our relationship has been really chill lately until now…but I think this talk is necessary so that we both figure out what we need and how to work with our needs. I am very serious about my bf and I love him very much.

    Thank you all for your kindness and support. <3

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