May 23, 2014 at 9:17 am #56953JamieParticipant
Hello Tiny Buddha Community!
I have been thinking about my ex. I miss him dearly. He was my best friend and someone I knew in my youth. Our relationship ended very badly and I never could give him his space. I was so angry and upset and heart broken for over a year. Now that the pain has somewhat subsided, I just miss his friendship and want apart of my life. He made it known that he didn’t care about me or love me, but I know we were just angry about how it ended. Is it possible for us to have a friendship? Should I reach out to him or is it a lost cause? I miss him dearly. I am not really sure what I should do or if I should just keep on with life and let his memory fade? Sometimes I still cry because I miss him, but I just want to know that he is okay and happy. What should I do? I hope anybody can give advice!May 23, 2014 at 11:50 am #57061KellyParticipant
Big warm hugs to you. I am sorry you are hurting. Ending a love relationship is so very hard. I’m going to offer my two cents worth. I’m sure others will weigh in with differing opinions, but here’s mine: I would think long and hard about if you really want to open yourself up to more potential pain by reaching out to pursue a friendship with him. The reason I say this is because it seems you are still in a lot of pain over the breakup, which is totally understandable and something you will work through as time goes on, however I think it leaves you pretty vulnerable. You say the pain has “somewhat” subsided, and you’re still crying because you miss him. Again, completely understandable but it seems it may still be too raw to initiate contact with him again. Eventually the pain will be completely gone and what remains would be a fondness for him and your time together. Only once you reach that point do I think you should even consider contacting him. And another thing, whenever I think about being friends with exes, I ask myself “do my friends treat me the way he did? Would I want a friend to treat me that way?” Maybe in your case he was a dear friend to you and as you say it was just the breakup that caused you both to express hurtful things to each other. But when I think about some of the qualities of my past partners especially in cases of betrayal, abuse, or other maltreatment, I couldn’t even call that person a friend. You should do what feels right for you, though. Follow your own heart and have the courage to do so.May 23, 2014 at 3:49 pm #57180Big blueParticipant
Everyone is different and you need to find your answer through this difficult journey. I agree that if you are still this upset, you probably should check in on yourself in say 6 months. Or until you do not gave the emotions welling up.
In my case, when my marriage ended, it took several years before she and I were able to move past the challenging emotions. We are really ok now, we help each other and work together for our kids, but it’s not like we would get together like friends.
Besides giving yourself time, it is true what people say re: if you focus on personal development, that will help you in many ways.
I hope this helps.
Big blueMay 23, 2014 at 4:27 pm #57181Bill LeeParticipant
Great advice (kind and practical) from Kelly and Big Blue. I would just add that it’s natural to want to hold on to the best parts of a past relationship, such as the friendship, yet we need to maintain firm boundaries in order to move on (which is often two steps forward and one step back). It may help to imagine a close friend coming to you with the same predicament. How would you advise her? That could offer you an objective and healthy perspective. I sincerely hope that at some point you and your ex can reconnect and maintain a healthy friendship. Unfortunately, sometimes friendships are lost because contact will trigger negative emotions for one or both parties. I’m sure you would want what’s best for your ex. If you truly want to check on his well-being, perhaps inquiring with a mutual friend or third party would be better. Be good to yourself.
BillMay 24, 2014 at 9:36 pm #57249sojournerParticipant
Are you really just wanting to be friends or are you wanting to rekindle hope that you can be bf/gf again? i think the advice above is excellent…give yourself more time. It has been my experience that staying in contact prolongs the pain of trying to let go, which is really what needs to be done. Good luck…protect yourself first with an eye on recovery and healing.
When someone wants you in their life, they will reach out to you. He is not.