I have found myself in these situations over the years. I think it is because I am attracted to very strong personalities, being a people pleaser myself, I guess I gravitate (or attract) a certain type of friend. This friend I have known for over 20 years. We have had our ups and downs and went through a period of not speaking. We made ammends and have been friends again for 10 years or so. But I see familiar patterns start to show up. I am looking at how I can resolve my own part in this.

Basically she says things to me that I find offensive, usually in the form of small microaggressions or put downs that she calls jokes. And they hurt me, and many times I just let it go but I find that a wall of resentment builds, or maybe defensiveness. Then something will happen that is not necessarily so bad by itself, but it sends me into a tailspin and I get upset. And when I tell her I am upset she says I am over sensitive. Yes, perhaps to the one isolated incident but it is the pattern over time where she gives little papercuts and I say nothing. I know this is partially my fault for this dynamic. I shrink myself to not make waves. The times I try to joke back don’t go over well either, it comes off as passive aggressive and so I feel like I may be damaging this friendship with my inability to properly react to such comments.

I do care about this person and would like to find a way to work it out, but at the moment it feels toxic. I don’t really know how to change this dynaminc. How do I change it in myself to be less sensitive? Or how to I address when she says something “she’s just being herself and speaking freely”. She says she feels like she has to walk on eggshells with my sensitivity. I don’t want to be someone that makes people walk on eggshells. Ahh. 🙁