Hi Chau

I’m glad to hear that you are healing from your break up and you have two lovely cats now. 😊

Do I remember correctly that you had difficulties with your previous ex and a previous partner? I would suggest that this kind of situation might be a trigger for you.

I think that you’re spot on in that she is emotionally unavailable at the moment. Sometimes people can be attracted to things that are not healthy for them because thought patterns want to continue.

Your work could be an issue too. I would recommend not discussing feelings with her.

She is clearly hung up on her on again off again partner. Just because they are not official doesn’t mean that they are not in a relationship.

Perhaps you are interested in dating again and this is the takeaway from all of this? Is there any kind of dating scene that you could get involved with?

I would file this away in my mind as a hard no. I think that a partner who is actively invested in a relationship is important. But that is just me.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Dear Chau (CLara):

You are very welcome and thank you for wishing me a lovely new year. I wish you a love-filled 2025, a year where you will co-create a love story of mutual commitment, investment, good-will, care and (again, mutual) respect, being each other’s NUmber 1 !

Anita

Hello Chau,

From the posts here, I understand that you are after a difficult break up. (?)

How do you feel about the idea to take a break from relationships, rest, focus only on yourself and simply let everything flow?

Sometimes when we try too hard, it just gets worse.

Enjoy the New Year’s Eve over there. 🙂

Dear Clara:

Thank you for sharing this update. It sounds like you’ve been navigating a lot of emotional complexities and doing your best to find clarity and balance.

It’s good to hear that you’re feeling emotionally ready for a new relationship, or comfortable with taking things as they come. It’s important to give yourself the time and space to let things unfold naturally.

Your situation with your colleague is indeed complicated. It’s commendable that you’ve recognized the red flags and the need for firmer boundaries. It’s also understandable that your attraction to her, the emotional support she offers at times, and the fact that she is a work colleague, all make it difficult to step back completely.

Earlier, you clearly communicated to her your interest and desire to take time to understand each other better, emphasizing the need for her to resolve existing issues first (her unresolved attachment to her ex/ present-partner). You showed her empathy and patience, and a willingness to support her during tough times, even if it complicates your emotions.

You are and have been emotionally aware and communicative about your feelings and intentions- with her, and here on your thread. You’re also cautious and reflective, recognizing red flags, and understandably demonstrating caution in proceeding with the relationship.

On her part, her on-and-off relationship and emotional turmoil indicate- as you know- instability and unresolved attachment to the ex-present-partner. This instability may be what’s leading her to seek comfort from others (you included), so to cope with her feelings of hurt, confusion, and distress.

During times of emotional distress, it’s common for individuals to seek out support and comfort from people. This helps to feel less isolated and more supported. Engaging in new relationships or close connections can serve as a distraction from the pain of the on-and-off relationship. By focusing on someone new, she might temporarily escape the emotional challenges she is facing.

But while seeking comfort from a new person might provide temporary relief, it doesn’t address the underlying issues or the emotional baggage from the on-and-off relationship.

When someone is still emotionally attached to an ex, their attention and emotional energy are divided. This can make it difficult for them to adequately invest in a new relationship as part of them is still focused elsewhere.

A new relationship formed quickly after a breakup can often be a rebound, where the primary goal is to fill the void left by the previous relationship. This type of relationship is typically less stable and may not be based on genuine compatibility. Therefore, before entering a new relationship, it’s important for individuals to heal emotionally and come to terms with the end of their previous relationship. This ensures they are ready to invest adequately and healthily in a new connection.

I’ve been experimenting with using poetry in my replies in the forums, and I wonder if the following may help you better communicate with her:

Poem for her: In Between the Lines

In moments shared, we’ve wandered close,
In couple-like exchanges,
In this grey zone, undefined,
Our hearts and minds were sometimes intertwined.

We’ve talked, we’ve laughed, we’ve held so tight,
Yet boundaries blurred in the quiet night,
I see the care, the warmth you bring,
But also feel the hurt it stings.

Your birthday passed, we spent the night,
You spoke of her, the endless fight,
She drains you, yet you can’t let go,
I struggle with this, can’t quite know.

Your heart is torn, I clearly see,
Between the past and what might be,
I’ve tried to stand with patient care,
But find confusion everywhere.

You said you’d help with simple things,
Like trimming nails for feline kings,
Yet plans fell through, commitments missed,
Between your tasks, our bond dismissed.

You see me when it fits your day,
But making plans, you shy away,
I asked for time, a firm resolve,
Not “maybe” or “unsure,” absolve.

I feel attraction, strong and pure,
Yet, no commitment, boundaries blurred
Make me unsure,

I need to step back, find my ground,
To set a boundary, gentle, kind,
So, peace and clarity we find.

Let’s take a step, a thoughtful pause,
To see the truth, to understand the cause,

With respect and honesty,
We’ll find the way it’s meant to be.

What do you think about this poem, Clara: does it resonate with you?

anita