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my bf slept with someone else while we were apart

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  • #401383
    alina
    Participant

    really don’t know what to do so here it goes;

     

    we got together again after a break up and it was really healthy and we were happy. but everything’s not perfect ofc. once in a while his mood would drop without any reason at all. when this happenned he would try to act like nothing was wrong but i know him so it was obvious to me that something was bothering him. i would ask him every single time and he would brush it off and smile.

     

    once he told me he couldn’t keep it in anymore even though his close friends, his mom and what i would like to call his mentor adviced him not to tell me. he said he regretted the way he acted while we were apart. he told me after i posted stories on ig showing my “new life” he lost it. in those stories i posted me drinking with a girl and two boys and he thought it was a double date. it was not, they were friends of mine whom he didn’t know of. i posted i was out late at night at the beach and the next day i posted a breakfast in the morning with a caption “hangover breakfast” or something. bc it was in a house he didn’t know he thought i went home with someone else and started a new thing.but i was out with my friend group and went home at night and had breakfast at one of their boyfriends house in the morning. i was away at college so he didn’t know my friends very well nor their boyfriends. it didn’t occur to me that he would think those things but i guess when you’re in that situation you think of the worst. the reason why i went into detail of these stories is the fact that he told me they affected him deeply and he thought he lost me forever because of them and then acted the way he did.

    i think because i never drink or go out made him think i changed the way i was living. but i was hurting so much and i was just hanging out with my friends to stop thinking and even though one guy was flirting with me in that group, i didn’t initiate anything. but i let it slide.

     

    after him accepting that he did some things he was not proud of, i told him that it was okay. we were not together at that time and him trying to move on bc he was hurting was normal and i did it too. we didn’t go into any detail of what he did.

     

    but something kept bothering him. i literally could see it in his eyes. so one day when this happenned again i forced him to talk to me. i asked him what he was feeling, he told me he felt remorse. i asked him if it was bc of the thing we talked about and he said yes. i asked him what he did. he couldn’t say anything. i asked him if it was physical and he said yes. then i asked him if he went all the way and he said yes. at that moment the bottom fell out of my world. i couldn’t believe it at first. he told me he was drunk and he left immediately and spent every day regretting it. he told me he couldn’t live with himself if he kept it a secret but every one he consulted adviced him not to tell me bc i was not in his life and it was not about me. but i think it is about me.

     

    i didn’t say anything and left. he came after me saying he can’t bear seeing me leave again but i just wanted to run away and hide. the next day i left for college.

    later i learned he tried to talk with someone new, and some girl liked him so he talked to her. flirted and finally slept with her. then he told her he still loved me and he can’t keep going.

     

    after a week of us not talking properly he texted me letting me know that he was coming to see me bc it was our anniversary. and it actually is a huge thing bc the tickets are too expensive here and he’s working and can’t make time.

    we spent three days together here and even though i was still hurting i saw the state he was in and let my guards down. i cried a lot, he told me what i meant to him. we even had sex but it took me a day of cuddling in bed and even then i stopped midway crying for a couple times cause i just couldn’t stop thinking about him doing this with someone else. he just reassured me and didn’t force me but i knew he expected me to act like before.

     

    after he left i started feeling like shit again. even though we were talking normally i just couldn’t live with it so i brought it up a lot. he said he didn’t wanna talk about a mistake that hurt him deeply too and that man was gone and it was unfair of me to keep bringing it up. but i was suffering and just wanted him to make it better. one day i told him i was unhappy, nothing made it better and wasn’t sure of what to do. he told me he felt belittled bc i was blaming him all the time and wasn’t returning his affection. we fought and he got defensive and told me i was the reason he lost it and did that. i was just trying to heal. and he told me to decide if i can be with him or not. he told me if i wanted him by my side while i was deciding and i thought it wouldn’t do us any good so i said no.

     

    so, i know he regrets it and loves me. accepting the fact that i’m being loved is very hard for me because i have such low self esteem but i know he does. but i can’t stand the thougt of him being with someone else. i really believe in true love and thought this was it. i know love isn’t about this but we were each others firsts and i thought we would be each others lasts. but i can’t unlearn it now. i can’t stop picturing it and it gives me great pain.

     

    i just wanna be able to get over it. but all i can do is come up with new questions. was it night or day? where were they? how long did it last? did he kissed her like he kissed me? did he kiss her body? how did he touch her? was she prettier than me? what if it comes to his mind and he misses it? did he enjoy it a lot? i’m even thinking about the position. these questions are eating me alive. i don’t know what to do to get rid of them. i just wanna get back with him but i can’t while i’m like this. i want him to make it better but there’s nothing he can do i guess.

     

    now he’s waiting for my answer.

     

    if you have any advice for me to get over it, it would be greatly appreciated. and im sorry about the writing, english isn’t my first language.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #401481
    anita
    Participant

    Dear alina:

    Your story reminds me how important it is, when one is in a relationship (and some time after a relatioship breaks up) to not unecessarly expose the other person to images of romance/ sexual gestures with a third party: not on social media and not by telling the other person unecessarily about a sexual encounter, which is what your boyfriend did.

    “I know he regrets it and loves me… We were each other’s firsts and I thought we would be each other’s lasts… I just wanna get over it, but all I can do is come up with new questions: was it night or day? Where were they?… Did he enjoy it a lot?… These questions are eating me alive. I don’t know what to do to get rid of them” –

    -I think that it is so very rare for two people in our modern world to be each other’s firsts and lasts, that it is very close to being a fantasy. For the great majority of people, 99.99% I am guessing, this is pure fantasy. I learned that the more alligned our thinking is with Reality, vs Fantasy, the less emotional pain we experience.

    To ger rid of the images, you will need first to… no longer want to get rid of them. The more you want to get rid of them,  the longer they’ll stay. As difficult and as weird as it may sound, try to accept these images, to relax as they appear in your mind, to not get alarmed.. and to not hate these images.

    When an image or a thought appears in regard to your boyfriend having slept with another woman, take a slow, deep breath, inhale, and say to yourself: I accept this image, then slowly exhale and say to yourself: this image is leaving my mind and body. Do this repeatedly and let me know how it works, will you?

    anita

    #401507
    alina
    Participant

    thank you for your words.

    even though sometimes i feel like ignorance is bliss and agree with you, the thought of something like this being kept away from me is unbeareable.

    i already started doing what you suggested and i’m really hopeful this is going to work. i’ll see how it goes in long term and check back with you! thank you again for giving me hope.

    #401508
    anita
    Participant

    Dear alina:

    You are welcome. I re-read your original post this morning because I didn’t read it thoroughly yesterday, and I will comment further:

    1) I can understand how the pictures of you drinking and partying with young men (and young women) overnight would very much distress him. After all, much more often than not, drinking and partying overnight includes sex because alcohol lowers inhibition. I wonder how close you were to having sex with a young man on that overnight occasion, if you were approached in a different way, or circumstances were a bit different than they were. If (if) he is guilty for having sex with another woman while the two of you were not in a relationship at the time, then you are guilty for being close enough to having sex with another man.

    2) In your original post, you wrote: “He told me he couldn’t live with himself if he kept it a secret”. In your second post, you wrote: “the thought of something like this being kept away from me is unbrearable” – so now that the situation is no longer kept away from you, it should be… bearable for you, right? Try to focus on the situation being better now than it was before: he can now live with himself and the thought that you do  know what happened is bearable.

    3) After he revealed it to you, you brought it up a lot, and he told you that “he didn’t wanna talk about a mistake that hurt him deeply too, and that man was gone and it was unfair of me to keep bringing it up” – I think that he is correct, and that it is important that you do not bring it up to him anymore. If you do, it will be punishing him for what you both believe was the right thing to do. Why would one want to continue to do what’s right, if one is punished for it?

    4) Next time you are with him and the distressing thoughts and images replay in your mind, don’t tell him about it, don’t try to get him to make you feel better (it will make him feel worse and in return, it will make you feel worse). Endure the distress without expressing it to him in words. Take a few deep, slow breaths and say to yourself things like: this is not happening now. It happened long ago, it’s in the past. I am not in danger. I am not being replaced. I am safe now.

    I hope you do check back with me and post again!

    anita

    #401516
    miku
    Participant

    Hi Alina,

    I literally just made an account to respond to your post lol, so first of all thank you for the incentive to make an account!

    Your story is very familiar, this kind of thing happens all the time, so I do want to preface this by saying you are not alone (see Ross and Rachel “We Were On A Break!” from Friends, a classic case of this displayed on television).

    I would advise that you let yourself feel whatever you’re currently feeling fully, which seems to be hurt and betrayal. The more you push away these feelings, the longer they’ll stay and they’ll fester away which I’m sorry to say, is a recipe for disaster when it comes to relationships. You love your boyfriend, and you made a commitment to each other, so it hurts to think that he slept with someone else especially during such a challenging period. Especially considering he’s the only person you’ve ever slept with, it’s no wonder that this is a great deal for you. Sex, for the most part, is a very intimate act. So, your feelings are very valid in this situation and don’t for one second feel like they’re wrong or bad. It’s going to hurt – but as they say “the only way out is through”. And more you allow these feelings to flow through you (what you resists persists), you’ll soon see how little power those images have over you. And you’ll laugh. Laugh at the silly mistake your boyfriend made.

    That being said if you love your boyfriend and want this relationship to work you have to “feel the pain to heal the pain”, communicate clearly and FORGIVE him. It sounds like he was acting out and retaliating when he thought you were sleeping with someone else. This is why clear and direct communication is important, because wires got crossed in this situation majorly. He also sounds incredibly remorseful for his actions, and I do respect that he came clean and told you the truth (green flag!). Also remind yourself, and it’s a hard truth but: technically you weren’t together when he slept with someone. I know it hurts but commitments weren’t being crossed and you never mentioned that you made some sort of clear verbal agreement to not sleep with anyone else during your break.

    I would say it’s also important that you tell your bf that you are still hurt because you keep imagining him sleeping with someone else, that you still love him, but will need some time to heal. You’re not going to help the healing process by throwing it in his face, but actually by taking some time to process it and bonding with him. Strengthen and reignite that connection, and you will see that he didn’t sleep with the other girl because he liked her, or he wanted to disrespect you – but because he couldn’t bear the pain of losing you and decided to suppress that pain in an unhealthy way.

    It sounds like you both really care about each other and that connection should be your touchstone for when you feel like the other person is out to hurt you. He’s not. He sounds young and a little foolish, but it sounds like deep down he cares for you. Weather the storm and your relationship will come out stronger than ever.

    #401537
    alina
    Participant

    hi anita,

    1) the night i posted that story was the second time i saw that boy who flirted with me and we didn’t have a one on one conversation and i was home by 8 pm. afterwards as we saw each other more, i kinda felt like he had interest in me but i acted like i didn’t know anything cause i selfishly liked the attention and didn’t wanna lose that group of friends. i didn’t hide the fact that i was still not over my bf and wasn’t keen on starting anything new but i still  let him give me attention bc it eased my heartbreak and i know i’m wrong for that. so no, i didn’t let him approach me romantically and there was nothing sexual throughout our “friendship”. this is actually something else that bothers me; after we started talking again with my bf, he asked lots of questions about this boy and i told him the elements of the relationship and how there was nothing going on and explained everything that was happening behind the scenes of what i posted. and i stopped seeing that boy cause it made my bf uncomfortable and i think him not wanting me to spend time with someone who likes me is understandable. what bothers me is the fact that he didn’t like that relationship at all and made sure i knew i did something wrong by spending time with him and doing domestic stuff at their (that boy and my friend’s bf’s) house even there were the four of us. all the while he hid the fact he slept with someone else even after finding out my ig stories were not reflecting the reality.

    2) yes, i agree with you. now that i’m a little better i can see the fact that him getting it off his chest and me finding out should be better for us.

    3) i did it bc every time those thoughts consumed me i wanted him to make them all go away, but i didn’t know how he could and he didn’t either so it made it worse. now i think it was a mistake and will no longer be bringing it up. you pointing it out too made me feel the need to apologize to him for the way i acted and i think i will.

    4) you have no idea how much this advice helps me. i will absolutely do this and i just know for a fact it will help.

    i’m sorry for the long reply and thank you for taking the time to read my post thoroughly and commenting further!

     

    #401538
    alina
    Participant

    hi miku,

    first of all omg!! i’m so happy you made an account for this. i hope it brings you joy like it did me.

    you understood how i’m feeling so well and reading your reply put a smile on my face.

    “you will see that he didn’t sleep with the other girl because he liked her, or he wanted to disrespect you – but because he couldn’t bear the pain of losing you and decided to suppress that pain in an unhealthy way.” that’s what i’m thinking too and this actually makes it better and worse at the same time. did he really have to do the thing he believed i did? did he have to get out of his line just because i did? i just wish he stayed true to his self but he’s so easy to ruin himself and like you said, act foolish when he’s in pain.

    i think we’re gonna have a big talk and i’m gonna let him know i’m still hurt and it will take time for me to heal. though i’m not gonna bring this subject up again later cause i don’t want to hurt him anymore and i think it’s not the way for me to heal.

    and at the moment with your and anita’s advice’s i’m just feeling what it makes me feel. i’m not running away. accepting the pain makes me feel better once it passes. i already feel stronger. and it makes me happy that when i think of him i’m not only focusing on what he did but seeing him as he is.

    there’s one more thing; i think i’m gonna stay away from sexual stuff for a while. it doesn’t feel right yet. doing anything other than sex was okay cause i knew he didn’t do those things with her. so i’ll just wait till i feel like it’s only the two of us again in those moments.

    thank you so much your reply, you made me feel instantly better and i’m so glad you made your account!

     

    #401540
    anita
    Participant

    Dear alina:

    You are welcome. I think that you are a decent, honest young woman and therefore, it’s a pleasure to communicate with you.

    “I still let him give me attention… I know I’m wrong for that” – I don’t know if you were wrong for that. There was a breakup from one guy and you let another give you attention. On your boyfriend’s end (at the time, your ex boyfriend), he was engaged in something similar that quickly, I imagine, turned into sexual intercourse. None of you were wrong (assuming that he practived safe sex), a I see it, just human.

    “what bothers me is that fact that he… made sure I knew I did something wrong… all the while he hid the fact he slept with someone else” –  first, again, I don’t see a wrongdoing.  But generally, it’s almost always easier to look at someone else’s wrongdoing and guilt than it is to look at oneself. It is easier to look outside of ourselves than it is to look inside ourselves.

    I’d say, look at your boyfriend’s behavior overall: is he in the habit of blaming others and not taking any blame for himself? If he does take responsibility for his behavior on a regular basis, even if imperfectly (no one is perfect) then what happened during the break in the relationship and him not telling you about it… can be forgiven, from my point of view.

    I suppose it will be important to not have another break in the relationship, unless it’s a final breakup, right?

    anita

    #401542
    alina
    Participant

    hi again,

    talking with you is a pleasure for me too.

    i knew there was nothing going to happen between me and that guy and i knew if my bf reached out i would go back to him yet i let the guy give me attention and this probably gave him false hope so that’s why i think i’m in the wrong. also i still loved my ex bf so it made me feel like i wasn’t doing something right.

    for the other thing; he actually had a tendency to believe he was right most of the time but it got better. taking the blame, apologizing and changing the behavior is something i believe we both learned in this relationship and we still have a way to go. we met when we were 17 so we’re experiencing it all with each other. he is a really proud person and him learning to put his pride aside when it’s about me, makes me realize he progressed but sometimes he still goes to his old ways and this was one of those times. him sleeping with another woman is absolutely relates to this problem. but he’s taking the blame on this. so yes, he takes responsibility for his behavior but he’s inexperienced with it.

    yes, i don’t think another break up is in the books for us.

    thank you for your insights. just in two days the change in my mentality is significant thanks to you.

     

    #401544
    anita
    Participant

    Dear alina;

    The pleasure is mutual then. About giving the other guy false hope because you knew at the time that you’d go back to your boyfriend if he reached out to you… if the duration of the time he could have had false hope was short, an hour or two, or a day or two, and if during that time, he didn’t spend significant money on you. or any other material resource, then it’s not a wrongdoing on your part because such interactions between young men and women are business as usual: people talking with each other, liking each other, then getting distracted, then liking someone else, etc. Does this make sense to you, or am I missing something?

    In regard to your boyfriend making progress in taking responsibility for his behavior because of his relationship with you- that’s wonderful!

    anita

    #401799
    miku
    Participant

    Hey Alina,

    I’m so glad to hear that! No worries at all, I hope you are doing well since my response and taking it easy.

    It’s absolutely pivotal that in challenging moments like these (and life is abundant in them), that we show up for ourselves first . When you take a moment to breathe, accept the situation fully without judgement or shame, and validate what you’re going through internally – you will find the strength to go through whatever that is manifesting externally. And then…you see if becomes easier to let go. Little by little. After all, we cannot be there for other people if we are not there for ourselves, as the relationship with self is the foundation for our relationships with others. That will make it a much more simple and easier endeavour to respond to the situation, and communicate with your boyfriend in a way that is authentic to you, and you’re not projecting all of the pain and hurt you’re currently processing instead.

    It sounds like a wise decision to maybe put a pause on intimacy with your bf right now. When you’re both sufficiently healed from the situation, you’ll be able to connect on a deeper level the next time you have sex.

    Relationships suffer when people don’t communicate effectively and it’s because people don’t take the time to check in with themselves first. It sounds like you’re doing a great job showing up for yourself 🙂 I wish you the best of luck with yourself, and with your relationship. I have no doubt in the mind you will know what steps to take next.

    M

    #401802
    Danielle
    Participant

    I reactivated my account just to respond to this thread. I was exactly where you are 6 years ago. I actually was on this thread and Anita helped me so much.

    I’m just here to say if you’re committed, he’s committed, and you think he’s the one… you 100% can get through this. I struggled for YEARS to get over what my boyfriend did when we weren’t together. I’m taking 2-3 years, it’s not easy. Some years I thought about it daily. I thought I would never get over it. But finally, one day… I decided to forgive and move on. One day of not talking about it, turned into 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, and now here we are 3 years later the strongest and happiest we’ve ever been in our relationship. We actually got engaged last year in Hawaii. We’re currently planning our wedding.

    I like to think that situation prepped us to become so much stronger. Because of everything we went through at the beginning of our relationship as teenagers, we’ve become such a strong unit. We know the importance of communication, honesty, commitment. I like to think I won the lottery going through this young and at the beginning, most people that deal with anything similar to this is later on in life, years after marriage. Because we dealt with this so young, we’ve been able to have such a solid foundation.

     

    I’m here to give you hope. But you both have to make the commitment and changes necessary to make this relationship work, if so… it could end up being the best decision you ever made.

    #401912
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, alina???

    anita

    #407279
    helpwithlove
    Participant

    I need help and am kind of on the same page. My boyfriend and I broke up for three weeks. He had sex with someone else and now (three months later) still talks/snapchats her. He says he will not stop talking to her because they are friends but he only loves me. What should I do? Please help.

    #407283
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear helpwithlove:

    Please tell me more about your relationship prior to the cheating and after the cheating, and about your boyfriend’s character and personality as well as your own… so that I can have a better understanding of your situation, will you?

    anita

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