Hello Meow Anna,

If I understand the situation…you and your boyfriend live together.  You make less than he does.  You had a joint account, but are not using it at the moment.  Why is the joint account not being used?  You say he does pay for groceries more than you do.  You might have mentioned this, but do you and your boyfriend split the rent and utilities down the middle?

What I get from your post is that you have an expectation of your boyfriend.  You want him to pay more because he earns more.  You kind of/sort of addressed this with him, but you say he didn’t really respond.  Or, is it that he didn’t respond in the way you wanted him to?  You want him to understand your financial situation – and why it is this way (so you can spend more time with each other) and you want him to appreciate it.

You say here, “But what I am missing is some money for myself but even more to see that he understands my situation and makes use of the income he has to increase my overall contentment with no big impact on him financially.  Yes, I could just do another job, but then we would almost never see eachother and it will be a sure way to the end of our relationship.”

I think this is the crux of the problem.  You want him to use his income to increase your contentment.  Have you said this to him directly?  It seems to be the white elephant in the room – he knows it’s there, you know it’s there, but no one is really addressing it.  You need to have a clear conversation with your boyfriend about finances.  The way it is structured now is not working for you.

You say that doing another job will be a sure way to the end of your relationship.  Is this true?  Or is this something you imagine happening because you won’t see enough of him?  You need to have a clear conversation with your boyfriend about your relationship, and the impact of you doing another job.

Your resentment about this will only grow unless you talk to him about it.  His responses will give you the direction you need.  If he is not willing to “increase your overall contement with no big financial impact on him,” then you need to decide if you are willing to stay in the relationship, do another job, and support yourself independently.

Airene

Hi Meowanna

When I read the title I saw I had to read your post because I was in that very same situation a couple of years ago.

Firstly, you need to have a sit down, like at a table, and discuss how your both going to contribute in the relationship. What is normally fair is to have each person contributes proportionally to their income. However, when incomes are substantially different you will have to agree to what you both think is fair. Maybe you take charge of groceries more or he agrees to pay more while you seek to improve your situation (and perhaps showing him every month how you are attempting to do so).

It pains me to say this but the outcome of your situation really is going to depend on how much your partner is capable of being empathetic. If he grew up with a silver spoon  or was very sheltered by his family, it is likely he will not understand how hard it is for you; he may even think you are lazy or aren’t doing enough (but know this only comes from his lack of life experience).

I myself grew up in extreme poverty. I mean the ghetto where all the girls got pregnant at 14 and the boys got into drugs and gangs. While I was attending night classes at university, and working a full time job as a receptionist, I applied for another job in a tech firm where I met one of the richest men from my city. We began dating and I eventually moved in with him. I barely made enough at the time to support myself let alone help him pay his million dollar condo.

I remember seeing eight-thousand American dollars in his sock drawer!! I told him it was not safe there and he shrugged it off saying it was only a little spending money. His biggest concern was a lawsuit against his condo for having installed a jacuzzi on his never ending balcony. While I was struggling to merely pay tuition fees. At one point we went out for dinner to a five star restaurant (which was his hang out) with friends where his rich friends wives were talking about buying 500$ jeans. My ex turned to me and said “yeah my girlfriend (meaning me) doesnt pay that on her jeans but she wastes her money on 10$ T-shirts like the one she is wearing now”.. I also once suggested around the holidays to volunteer with the soup kitchen and he said “charity begins at home” …lol I said under my breadth yes  because your home needs so much charity. lol

Needless to say his disconnect from reality was too much for me to handle and it caused many many fights. I literally screamed in our last fight telling him I wish he was just a regular guy and that I hated his money for what it did to him. I really did too… and still do to this day.

Now this was my relationship and its failure was mostly due to the fact that he could not understand me.  Privilege is something that many ignore.

You need to decide if your bf can, and if not I strongly suggest getting out because it could turn abusive FAST. If he does not understand your situation and how hard you have to work, if he shows no empathy, and if he starts paying more and more for things, he will start to control you (which is exactly what happened to me). First it will be small things like he will be the one to choose where you go out to eat (since he is paying) then where you live, then what clothes you wear, then who you see (they aren’t rich enough they cant afford to go out). He told me I was lazy and confused and that everyone of his friends were laughing at me for still being in school (I was 25 at the time which where I am from is pretty normal to still be at University).

So I suggest first having a good talk and see his reaction. If it is at all mean (dont ignore anything) get out. Your still young your 30. Dont let him put you down.

I hope it helps.