Hi Katie,

I know exactly what is going on here. Families like to put other family members in roles. Your role is the family failure/screw up. For some reason, long ago, they pegged you as Not Smart.

I’m sorry, did THAT cousin get straight A’s? Did THAT cousin get into a serious course of study (premed/law/PhD/Masters)?

OK, so MY kids were pegged as problem children because my husband’s cousin’s kids were perfect. They had to be problem kids simply because the Perfect Kids label had already been given. The woman wanted to write a Parenting Book using my kids as examples, for God’s Sake!!!

You know what happened? All my kids became winners: a PhD candidate, a Service Academy student and an Eagle Scout. My military cadet said, “Sorry I broke your Christmas ornament when I was little” and her daughters were all, “Mom, why are you bringing that up, that was so long ago?!” Meanwhile she had five unruly grandchildren at that very age. We hear a CRASH! at that moment from the other room!! Woman was mortified!!! Karma is a patient gangster.

You keep being a winner! If you get straight A’s you are surely smart enough to get that degree if you work hard. Then they will have nothing to say! “Our cousin, the stupid doctor”??

Best,

Inky

Hi Katie,

Dealing with put downs is very hard to do. They are meant to hurt and undermine your confidence in yourself.

It’s an ‘I’m better/my children are better/ my family is better’ than yours. You can call it one-upmanship if you like. The purpose of doing this is  that it makes them feel better about themselves.

It’s really a very covert type of bullying.

The best way to overcome this is in just the way you really have been doing. You are intelligent, you work hard, and you will be successful. That’s the best way to show them they got it wrong.

Often people who act like this are putting on a front – they are no better than anyone else, but by pointing out that someone else is worse is a smoke screen. Like Inky said, what great and grand achievements has that cousin of yours got that you haven’t? Is she a child genius or something?

In the scale of things, you don’t see them very often.. what a blessing for you!  This aunt and cousin sound the sort of people you should try to avoid altogether!

Best wishes,

Jay.